On the 9th of May 2018, my dad died. Suddenly, unexpectedly, he went from being healthy and thriving to gone in the moment of an absent heart beat. It’s all been rough since. Thoughts of “what did I do wrong”, “Should I have seen it coming?” and a general, overall sense of trying to find a way to make this my fault. Because finding some way I could have prevented it, would somehow mean he would come back. I obviously know that’s not possible, but in the depths of grief and despair, you seek the wildest and most desperate of solutions.
The experience I had that night changed me forever. I won’t ever be the same, and I don’t think I’m supposed to. I regularly go to trauma counseling to help me deal with the images that’s stuck in my head, the sounds of my own screams that are ringing in my ears at night and the words that were spoken my the emergency call operator; “are you sure you can’t try CPR?” I knew he was gone, there was no point. I don’t know exactly how I knew, but I knew.
I’m trying my best to move on with my life. I’ve started the education that he was so proud of me for applying for, I’ve been working the job we found so interesting together, and I’m moving into the house I grew up in and that he was so proud of, some time next year. I’m trying to live my life in a way that I can always go to bed and think “he would have been proud of me today.” It’s hard, but it helps. And I think it makes me a better person with a stronger sense of integrity. Because, even though I’ve never been particularly religious, I can’t let go of the feeling that he’s somewhere, watching over me, making sure I’m doing ok. Because he wouldn’t be my dad if he left entirely.
There’s about a million things I want to say, but I know it’d be incoherent and hard to grasp, so what I most want to say is this; talk to the people you love. Tell them you love them. Every day. I thought I had 20 years left with my dad the last time I talked to him, and as it turns out, I had about 36 hours.
Finally; If you find yourself in a similar situation, talk to someone. If you feel like you’ve had a horrible experience dropped in your lap like a 1000Ibs boulder, seek help. That boulder will be hard to get out from under, on your own.
Shared sorrow is half the sorrow to carry, shared love is twice the love to enrich your life.
