Hey ya'll. So before I get to the real point of this note, I want to give you a little backstory. I always enjoyed The Sims. I started playing it when I was as young as 6. I remember that when the Sims 2 came out, I'd watch my older brother play it in his room. Now, in all honesty, he was a pretty evil dude when he was a teenager. I'd often end up watching him speed up his Sims, leaving them to fend for themselves. I honestly still believe that those tendencies of his not only rubbed off on me to give me my dry sense of humor, but it also began our continuous love-hate relationship that we still have today, ten years later. Him introducing me to The Sims, however, is something that I probably owe him my life for. Sound dramatic? Let me explain. I was a child with an interesting mix of personality traits. I had a butt load of opinions that I wanted everyone to know, but I hated the mindless drama that came along with telling them. I was shy, yet I wasn't afraid to make a joke (offensive or not). I shut people out, but all I wanted was attention. I was creative, but I had no way of showing it without being shut down. I struggled so much to find my place among so many judgmental, angsty teenagers that I was facing off-and-on depression from as young as ten years old. To people who haven't faced depression, do you know how terrifying it was to wake up, hating myself, at the age of ten? Having the only thought in my mind as I struggled to get through the pointless day being, "Why am I alive?" I didnt know what was happening to me. All I knew was that every time I tried to tell someone about it, they'd tell me I was being dramatic, or brush me away with the simple parting statement of, "You're just having a bad day." At about this point in my life, after battling what I can honestly look back at now and say was a severe depression, I was 12 years old. The Sims 3 had just come out. I was entering seventh grade, which was the worst year of my life in terms of school, changing personalities, and my self-image. I couldnt talk to anyone about how upset I always found myself, and so I could just toss being a happy and carefree pre-teen out the window. When people joked around at the lunch table, I couldnt form a laugh. When people asked me if I was alright, I told them everything was fine. I could only speak in a monotone. I cried every night over something that I couldn't understand. I had no one. That's when I found myself at home more often, playing The Sims 3. I would play all the time, and when I ran out of creativity for my characters I moved on to read some Sims 3 blogs, which blew my mind. How did I not know that an entire community of people who enjoyed a video game as much as me were all friends, creating stories and characters and content? I was overjoyed, and I wanted a way in. But I had no idea how. So that's when I started reading 100 baby challenges. I started out with Della Wriner's first challenge, then Cadence Sierra, then Violet Newbie, and from there I was completely immersed in the world. I loved spending my evenings alone, reading and snacking and enjoying something so intensely that I didnt think there could be anything more joyful. On December 26th, 2010, a day I dont think I could ever forget even if I tried, I spent the entire day in my room creating a Sim. And her name was Amber Lights. As long as we're putting everything out in the open here, Amber was created from a Sim I'd downloaded from the exchange. And, if you guys know anything about the exchange, she came with a lot of crappy custom content that really screwed with my game through time. But Amber, with her personality and looks and story, was completely mine. I don't know how to put it into perspective for you, but having something that was completely mine, something that I could channel every ounce of my creativity into and spend my long nights up tinkering with and writing about, was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself in a time that was paved with darkness and self-loathing. I was finally excited about something again. I wanted to tell all my friends about my new story and character, and I started to fear their judgment less and less. This was mine. This was me. This was all I needed to get a bit better each day. And so began Amber's year-long story. Her baby challenge, which I am still astounded ended in 2011 as we head toward 2014, was all me. I put so much of myself and my personality and language into Amber that I am honestly still surprised none of you called me out on making her act like a rebellious 13 year old (which I was at the time). My blog blew up with comments, followers, excitement and more. I made friends with so many endless friendly people through Amber's FaceBook, like Vanessa (Cait), Della (Karni), Maci (Laura) and more. They were so kind to me in years where I was on the brink of full-on depression and being a normal pre-teen. They kept me balanced, happy, and will always be a massive part of who I am and who I will go on to be. Generation one of Amber's legacy was fun. It was so care-free and relaxed that it just felt like a less-cramped 100 baby challenge to me. When I began Valerie's story, by which point I was 14 years old, I started to enjoy this a little less. It became just a bit too difficult for me to find enjoyment in my writing anymore. I was struggling to find a voice in a character that, in all honesty, was so much like me. That doesn't make sense, right? That I would struggle to find a voice in a character just like me? Well, I did. I feared with every post that I was giving away just a bit too much of my lingering depression. And as I began to feel a bit better about myself and gain confidence through 2012, I suddenly had the issue of becoming less like Valerie. Suddenly I didn't know how to write from the point-of-view of a severely depressed person. Everything was beginning to spiral down from the excitement of my 100 baby challenge into a pit of blackness. Through the entire year of 2012, I lost more and more interest in her story. I have wanted so badly to finish it, but with so much more to go and an increasingly busy schedule, I didn't think it'd be possible for me to ever finish. And that is the reason I am here, writing this letter for you, on August 20, 2013 at 11:30 in the morning. Unless I find myself writing for Valerie again in the very, very far future for some odd reason, this is it. I am no longer going to feel obliged to be active whatsoever on any of my social networks, including Instagram, Tumblr or this blog. I am ending my relationship with a game that pulled me out of my worst and kept me above water. But its a calm, friendly parting. This is a tear-free, guiltless ending to a fantastic three-year journey. I started this when I was twelve years old, in one of the darkest times of my life. Now I am sixteen, heading into my sophomore year of high school, and moving on with my life. I made so many friends through this experience that I wish I was still in touch with, and memories that I will always hold on to. I am not afraid of what's in front of me, as terrifying as it feels to know that my entire future is resting in my hands, because of every single experience I have had since I began this all. I am so glad I got to grow up with this community. I love each and every single one of you, and if you ever need to talk to me, I promise I will check my email: [email protected] I'll see you guys in another life. <3
