Planet Legend

Life after food

[planetlegend]

DTF WTF is wrong with people. You've got two buttons undone on your shirts, guys, we get it...you're DTF. But can you please do one of them up? You're making me feel uncomfortable.  I don't think this a new phenomena but I feel like it's really getting shoved in my face in 2013. It's hard to work out who's boning it the hardest : Lads or Dads? On closer inspection I've noted that some of the offending shirts DON'T even have the top two buttons, nor button holes for them. It's definitely a thing. I'm not talking about Rod Stewart/Keith Richards levels of flouncy button-free chest framing, I'm talking about modern men who dress "smart" with crisp shirts. If you assume that all the men with two buttons (or more) undone are operating on a DTF basis (which I do assume) then it almost makes you never want to leave the house. I watched "The Murder Trial" last night on Channel 4 and the ACCUSED had his top two buttons undone throughout. He turned out to be guilty of bigger crimes but Jesus, you're not helping yourself mate. Perhaps the DTF approach was a ploy by his defense to get more onside with the Lads/Dads of the jury. I just don't think it should have been allowed, the judge should have nipped it in the bud.  It's bad stuff anyway. Is anyone else bothered by it or IS IT JUST ME?

[planetlegend]

I hate CO-OP. I think it's a piece of shit supermarket. I even told them that. By the grace of God I got to answer a survey by a clipboard-wielding CO-OP-BOD once and I was ALL in their face with my critique. You should have seen the 3/10s and the 4/10s I was dishing out. The questions weren't as broad as "what do you think of the quality of our range" either, it was more specific like "do you like our bread?". NO, I HATE YOUR BREAD AND I HATE YOU!  Still, it's good to keep your enemies closer so I frequent a stinky little CO-OP pretty much every day. Not to be a blanket bomber but CO-OP seems, from my experience, like it employs a higher grade of cheeseburger on their check-outs. If you have a banana in your basket, you're 90% more likely to have it commented upon by the CO-OP check-out-a-teer. "Bananas for tea tonight is it, love?" There's one old fogue who comments without fail on everything I buy. The first time was when I was buying cat food and beer on a Friday night. He said, "Someone's having a good night tonight", so I replied, "Yes. I am going to drink loads of beer and eat loads of cat food". He didn't say anything. Next time I was buying a single bottle of beer and he said, "This bottle's warm, there must be hot stuff inside". I didn't know what to say. It wasn't even warm? Finally, on Sunday I was in there with my girlfriend buying tomatoes and a reduced bottle of cough syrup. He said, "I bought 5 bottles of this". I said, "I don't have a cough, it's for the future". He said, "Well, you've got to keep colds away so you can do more snogging!". I said nothing. Stop commenting on what I'm buying, you old freak.

[planetlegend]

"He's a walking sex machine" I was in the greengrocer when I heard the above. A walking sex machine? Not just a sex machine but a WALKING sex machine. I feel like we, as a peoples, have been desensitised to the concept of the human sex machine through heavy historic championing from the likes of James Brown and Tom Jones, BUT you throw "walking" in front of it and I don't know which end is up all over again. Adding "walking" to the mix makes you think too much about the mechanics; it freezes, rotates and turns the term into an exploded diagram. If it can walk, what else can it do?? For the record, I'd say he was more of a walking potato.

[planetlegend]

There are two things in this life that I think I'm good at. The first is guessing things. If someone asks me to guess how old a celebrity is or what price something was then I have a second to none success rate. I shouldn't give away my secrets but the tip is to not think, or rather to say whatever comes to mind first. The first answer, is my experience, is almost always the right answer. She's 42, it cost £7.99.  The second thing I'm good at is knowing when a drink will fit entirely into a glass. I'm not talking measures nor exact science. I'm talking the unknown and the unseen. Say for instance, with the picture above, I had about a dreg of a 2-litre bottle of Coke left. I knew instinctively that the dreg would completely fill my glass WITHOUT my glass running over. That's the key to the gift, what makes it a gift...the knowing that there will be no overflow. It's a cocksure kind of display, in this moment I'm pouring with total confidence and vigour. I won't lie to you, I'd love to see myself. What are you good at?

[planetlegend]

There will be kids today that pronounce pirates like pilates.

[planetlegend]

I've done years of research and this is still the best thing on the Internet

[planetlegend]

The final insult

[planetlegend]

FACETIME! I had this idea. When someone's looking at their phone too much, you push the hand with their phone up into their face and shout... "FACETIME!" Let's get this thing trending! #facetime #literally

[planetlegend]

I'm like Marmite. You either love me or you hate me. I've been ill, I've watched TV. Yesterday the "Marmite" thing cropped up twice in close proximity on different channels. If I wasn't so firmly lodged into my sofa, I surely would have fallen off. If there had of been anyone around I would have surely said, "oh my god".

[planetlegend]

Audrey Hebburn is basically one of my favourite actors of all-time. Firstly, Breakfast at Timothy's - look it up. Second of all, it's Audrey Hebburn, come on.

[planetlegend]

DAD TIME Derek enters the farmhouse through an open door. Derek : Where’s your Dad? Malt : He’s out back, in the shed Derek : Thanks kid, I’ll see you later on Derek enters the garden through the kitchen door. Derek : Kevin! Kevin emerges wearily from the shed Kevin : Derek? D: Bloody hell mate, you’re looking well K: Thanks mate Awkward pause. D: What’s going on anyway? K: I’m looking for the…for the... D: Drillbit? K: That’s right mate, how did you know? D: You left it round my end K: When we was… D: Watching football? K: Yes. Football. D: Well, I brought it. K: The football? D: No, the drillbit K: Great! D: Come and get it, mate Derek is tossing the drillbit in his palm, goading Kevin. K: Give over, mate D: It’s yours if you can win it Malt (from inside): Dad! Did you iron my socks? I need to go! K: Just leave it on the side, Derek. I’ve not gone time for this! Kevin races inside. Derek stands outside. A goat walks over. D: Come to Dad Derek pats goat. Curtains close, audience claps.