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for whatever muse you have turned 10 today! Can't believe I made this on my birthday

Turning 35 in 30 mins and I just spent the last day of being 34 doing nothing.

Like the saying, "There's always 2 sides of coin". Well both sides kinda make me feel weird (if that's the right word to say).

Half of my 34 were spent doing job I've been doing for years, and half of it was spent doing nothing. It demands me to restart things all over again. Some of it was the answers to my prayers. Been a long time I haven't felt this. To be enough and maybe content.

This year's 4th of July is going to be different. I don't know in what way, but it's going to be different. The kind of different that I don't know how to describe or say.

Well, happy birthday to me.

Another moment to make lots and lots and craziest du'a they said. Besides my family, your name still pops out of my head. In my prayer, silently, whole heartedly.

I don't know if this means good. But it gets easier and lighter. Breaking habits. Our habits. Or at least my habit on putting you on top of my mind.

Most of days I still wish to be able to hug you or to comfort you that everything is going to be alright. Those things you planned and want just need more time than you think. But sayang, at this point, I'm the one that need more time to be less worry about you.

I've always known that my mom writes daily journal. Not a mushy story-telling kind of writing, just pointers about what happened on that day or what she did.

What I didn't realise, she's also wrote how many days my grandfather has left us. She was on 600ish day. As I ask her when will she stop counting, she said she'll stop at the 1000th day.

I always found her little ways to be the most sentimental thing to do. To love in silence, to notice what happened, even for some people it doesn't really matter. I think I learned a lot to love someone from her.

The more I stay with her, the more I thank God for sending me as her daughter. Though it was a bumpy road at first, but by far, she's the most important person in my life. Forever.

The writings are still about you. Though I'm getting used to not put you on the top of my mind. But there are days where I just miss talking to you, make you calm a little bit from the home-sick you're going through, and just be there to talk about everything.

You owe yourself some time to grief. To acknowledge and feel those uncomfortable feelings for the ones you love.

The ache you can't ignore. The ache you have to go through, hoping that it'll pass sooner.

Each day passes as if time heals things. Until you're no longer able to tell the difference, does it get any better, or are you just used to it already.

A lot of things have occupied and should have occupied my mind already. It should have distracted my thoughts of you, but still, there are always a few minutes of everyday where my mind is on you. Thinking on what you're up to or even going back to the days where we're excited talking to each other.

It does not ache as it used to, or maybe i'm just used to it. Someday, if maybe you find these writings, it has been 3 months since I decided to step back. And sayang, I still miss your presence.

I told Him about you. In the holy land, while I prayed in the most beautiful scenery and place. I told Him that you're a good person. Everything you do is in kindness with very good intentions. So I begged him to protect you and grant all your wishes in life. I prayed nothing but good things for you, knowing that I might not see you anytime soon.

As I pray, my heart aches from missing you. From all the affections and kindness you gave me. So I told Him how I love you. How I miss you so bad and wish, maybe, just maybe you could love me back the way you used to, if it's better for my well-being, though I know He hates it.

Here comes the narrating-in-the-head starts playing. All the new 'what if's, the should and could have been also popping out as if I could do anything about it.

The thought of missing you is still there, but I think I'm getting used to it. Back to keeping things to myself in the head, suppressing all the thoughts and emotions, the way I did before you. The difference was, my expectations somehow won't go anywhere. Still hoping for another talk, another hug, another kiss, and another us.

Above all those feelings and thoughts, I still pray for you, still hoping you'd get everything on your bucketlist, your big dreams, but most of all, I need you to feel enough on yourself. Knowing that you're more than what you thought you are.

I miss you so so so so much

3 Days after we talked about us. Looks like it's finally the end of us. The part where you don't want to have this relationship anymore. The part where I think I have reached my limit. The part where we're too scared to face each other if one of us really need to left each other.

The second day after we talked about us, I slept for a whole day. Got so tired as if I was put into work for the past week non-stop. I think that's what people nowadays called being depressed. Because not being present in the reality is kinda better than being present.

Know that this is really hard to write and my heart kinda aches thinking about it. There's a part of me that would say yes if you let me back, but most of all, I think I need to have myself back first.

It was September 17th, Wednesday morning, around 5:30ish. You called to wake me up for the gym. You said you're out for a morning jog. Not long after, you ran beside me as I walked to the gym. Surprised. You're always good at surprising me. But this one, after months of learning not to miss you as much and getting used to you not being around as much, I'm kind of numb to all the feelings.

Until we sat for a coffee. The song you like, the one I listened to a year ago while I cried, letting you go back to Australia, played. The song I had never heard played in public spaces was played at that moment, when we had our coffee together.

Let's call it a coincidence. But dear, it took more than that kind of coincidence to happen.

That look at the coffee shop. The one where it gives thousands of words of that little overthinking head of yours. But none of those words came out. I act confused, but I do know you were holding back so many thoughts you want to share but you know you should not.

A friend once said she would not fight for a relationship if the other had already given up. Even if they reach a temporary mutual agreement to fix it. Because it's only extending the period to hold on to a selfish reason.

The most selfish thing I did was to stay. The beginning of how it all started. After that, nothing selfish act I could think of for the past year. I have gladly given my all. Happily. In love.

Until the moment you decide to finish it. Still, I couldn't be selfish enough to be where I want you to be. So here I am. Learning how to draw the line.

I don't need to be in another universe to tell you "I love you". The feelings are mutual here, but the law does not.

There are always the 'what ifs' to think about, which we know, it felt better to live in it and know we'd make a great pair. But still, the law does not allow us to do so.

In the alternate universe, we'd be planning things about what we'll do. I'd break from my comfort zone to meet your family as you already met mine. We'll set a timeline for you to be home while I keep telling you to chase the goal you've been living for. So then, we could get to build our dream. Our life.

In the meantime, we'll make the best of what we have. Know that I'll be around for you.

Mimpi ter-random malam ini dengan muka yang familiar. Ada Reza & Alia, tapi ada Ayahangku dan Ibuandung juga. Nggak ada interaksi yang bermakna, tapi Ayahangku ada. Cukup gitu aja, Terima kasih udah main sebentar yah.

Aku kangen.

Sorry for sending you a long emotional text to read in the morning.

It was a day after you said you needed a 'me time'. I never said no, because I knew you needed to cool down by yourself. You called in the evening, knowing that I was outside alone. You started talking about being bored with what we've been doing for months.

I guess there would never be enough 'I love you's that could hold this long distance relationship.

After more than a month, we finally get back to our virtual netflix date. Setting up the teleparty and google meet, I decided to use the American breakfast filter while you choose to be a birthday cake. A cheesecake to be exact, because it's your favorite kind of cake.

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