CW: suicide, abuse, assault, medical negligence, parental negligence, probs some more stuff.
20 years ago, I tried to kill myself (the first time). At 15, I had already experienced assault, and a miscarriage, parental figures who saw my growth as an issue, and so much more that someone my age should have even been privvy to. Of course my dramatiquƩ ass tried to do the deed with a bunch of Tylenol and the gin I kept under my mattress. I started vomiting within minutes, and nothing stayed down long enough to kill me (not that I even think it would have, at that point I was already maxing out dosages of most over the counter pain meds daily due to, you know, being in pain all the time).
Ten years ago, I left my abuser. I ate the debt he left me with, took out a student loan, and applied for assistance through the Manitoba government to go back to school. And while I learned a lot in my classes, I also learned that nepotism rules the industries I wanted to break into, and I was far more interested in fucking anyone who showed me affection because I was positive that was the only way to show love. In the second year of college, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and fed mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. I had gone to my doctor to talk about my pain, and this is what he diagnosed. Funny right? At the end of my second year, I once again attempted to kill myself by taking an entire months bottle of Seroquel. They forced me to drink charcoal in a not very nice way, and I'll leave it at that because it's still pretty traumatic. I did end up working in my chosen field for a few years, until I was "downsized" out of my role for being sick too many days. The same doctor who diagnosed me with bpd, suddenly decided I also had fibromyalgia, and told me that it would be likely I would need a wheelchair by 30. Haha, jokes on you, I made it almost all the way to 35.
5 years ago I turned 30, which was already so far past how long I thought I had here. I had just been rejected by a job I was absolutely perfect for, because of a seniority issue, and I was devastated. I planned a trip to Atlanta to celebrate my 30th birthday with strippers, booze, and sex. After a successful trip, I came home to no commitments. No job, no partners, a handful of really amazing friends, but other than that, no reason to stay, so my mom suggested I move to Toronto. I decided in September, sold off most of my worldly possessions, and packed the rest of my life into two suitcases and a backpack, and moved to Toronto in November. And after some false starts, some really dark times, some hard internal work, some new found friends and hobbies, finally realizing who the fuck I actually am, and a LOT of therapy, I turned 35.
And I hope, in 10 years, 20, maybe even 30 years? (lol if we last that long) I can look back at the hard times and the darkness with a sense of peace. And I hope to see all of you grow, and learn, and find your own happiness along this path. And I hope that even the people who have hurt me find peace and learn from their mistakes. And I hope that the people that I have hurt along the way can find peace, with or without forgiving me.
Here's to another rotation.
andulkaphoto
2087
vaporwave
pixelskylines
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
kaledo-art
discoholicmusic
