dumb, binding vows, identity, and gender nonconformity
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obligatory this is about the character alert and not the actual guy. idgaf abt the cc, this is about the character they are playing on bliss and the way the themeing they are playing with resonates with me.
also, im going to be linking to the youtube archived version of the vod as i can actually link directly to the timestamp. however, please do go watch the actual twitch vod on dumb’s channel first if you haven’t before coming back. i do recommend you actually watch their binding vow stream.
Other disclaimer: I didn’t proofread this. And the damn birds are chirping as i write. it’s late. i’m sorry for typos and dropped words. ill fix it. soon.
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May 29th, Dumb is live and tells their twitch chat that something doesn’t feel right. they woke up and something was off and they don’t know what it is. This starts an hour thirty long spiral in which Dumb attempts to talk their way through this “bump in the road.”
There’s something wrong with their gem, that’s the first conclusion they come to. A change. That’s what they need. Astra doesn’t fit. They go find traders, eventually going into a cave and looking for diamonds. Dumb constantly repeats the sentiment that they “would rather do something they hate than nothing at all.” They would rather sit there and mine diamonds than not be trying to reroll their gem at all. They would rather try and do something, even if it’s miserable, rather than sit there and let this fester.
They get increasingly and increasingly frustrated the more they trade, unsatisfied with every gem they get. “One more trade” they insist, to the dismay of their chat.
It’s clear, to both them and everyone watching that the core problem here isn’t just the gem. This runs deeper.
The conclusion Dumb comes to while talking to themself is that they really, truly, don’t have a sense of identity. They don’t know who they are and what they want to be.
So they reminiscence. In the past they were so sure of themself. Confident in who they were and the role they played.
During infuse season 1, when there was mindless fighting on infuse about these effects, Dumb steps into the role of the villain. Alongside Sharooh and Samm, the three of them vow to fix the server. Fix the violence by getting rid of the value of an effect. Sharooh and Samm and Dumb are confident in their goals. Sharooh and Samm are confident in their goals. And Dumb— well, Dumb was kind of just Sharooh and Samm’s teammate. And logged on and was given the items. And was there to fight because they wanted a fight. Sure, Dumb probably did believe in the cause to some degree but Apophis was not an idea piloted by Dumb. Actually—it was mainly spearheaded by Sharooh and Samm. Dumb was there because they were their teammate. Dumb takes on this role and it becomes what they fight for, but it’s not a role that they themself created initially.
During infuse season 1’s disciple arc, Dumb so desperately attempts to become the hero of the story. They wanted to be the one who did good. Who saved the world. And yet, and yet. Even though this goal feels like something Dumb wants, after all Dumb is trying to atone for Apophis, it’s not entirely their own. This thought of being a hero didn’t come up until Sharooh and Midnight forced the server into the state it was in. The state where the cracks that started forming long ago when Apophis was conceived started growing deeper and the world end became only more and more apparent.
Dumb’s call to action, to be a hero, was only started when the world called out for one too. And Dumb is an incredibly selfish hero, because let’s face it this is Dumb, but they are a hero in response to something. It is a role that was needed and Dumb decided to fill it.
During infuse season 2, Dolphin has one major goal: help Dumb. She tries her damn best, and succeeds, in helping Dumb become the most powerful player on the server. The first person to hold all 12 augments, the first person to play with the new updated and much more powerful ender. They win a 1v4 with it. They break their cycles of losses—well, sort of, but that’s a conversation for a different day—and stand with all the power the server can offer.
But—Dumb didn’t come up with this goal. Dolphin went up to them about it. Offered to help. She wanted to break her friend’s cycle of losing. But again, this role of the underdog, trying to climb to the top, is not a role Dumb creates for themself. It’s something Dolphin proposes for them.
During mace smp season 1, Dumb spends the early days doing nothing. Eventually they end up working for Dolphin, blindly following her orders, doing what she says, playing the soldier she wants and needs. And then they do the same for Stormz the moment Dolphin discards them. Dumb during all of alien is content literally playing the role that Stormz and Dolphin needed from them. Mace wielder, pvper, right hand man, advice giver. Yes, Dumb knew that they wanted to help Dolphin and Stormz but that role that fulfilled was not something they crafted themself.
And then, black hole. Do I even need to explain? Dumb proclaims it at the end of their video. Stormz and Dolphin are trying to play supervillain. To end the world and to kill everyone and what not. And Dumb is playing along. Dumb is playing hero again, in some strange twisted way. A hero who is doing this for revenge. For a reason that is not pure. However, Dumb is still trying to kill supervillains. And both Dumb’s resolve to do so and this sort-of hero role are both things that Dolphin and Stormz create for them.
So what’s the point? Why do we care again? Dumb explained all of this on stream in their recap. Well—when Dumb speaks on all these past moments when they’re certain of what they wanted, there is a detail that Dumb misses. All of these roles, these identities, are things that other people have given them. At heart, I think Dumb is a follower. I mean, you read everything I said above.
So now, on bliss, Dumb is in a position where there is no role. In fact, most people around them are actively trying to not push anything onto Dumb. Both Hazel and Stormz let Dumb go when they ask if they want to be a hero. And so, for the first time in their life, Dumb has to figure out who they are. And it’s here, where the crisis starts.
When Dumb is finally, finally, left to be “themself” they kind of realize they don’t know what that is.
None of the gems fit quite right. They can’t figure out what they want. Even Stormz doesn’t help, all Stormz says is “i want you to be happy” and “i want you to help me.” That’s not a role. That’s not a identity or a moral standpoint that Dumb can follow or a goal or a—
There’s this whole thing, I’m sure other people have experienced it before but maybe it’s just me, where when you spend a pretty long time of your life being raised on specific way and doing the things you were told and filling out the role you are born with, then you sort of don’t really question things. At least, that’s what it was for me. I went through most of my life knowing i was the “artsy, smart, responsible, older sister.” And I stuck by this. I was artsy and smart and responsible and I was an older sister. I let my mom pick out dresses for me and I faked crushes on guys at recess, and I called myself a girl to everyone I saw.
It’s a role that I spent an incredibly long time not questioning. And then, and then, at one point my parents stopped. Stopped caring as much, at least. And I spent more time away from home with friends who did not have these same expectations as my parents. I was not “Grace, the eldest daughter” I was “Grace, whoever they wanted to be.”
And honestly, it was kind of scary. I imitated my friends. Whatever they were interested in, I was. We liked the same foods and colors and fashion style. It was easier. And still, nothing felt right. You know? It went beyond just the surface level likes and dislikes, but right down to my core. I didn’t feel like the options I had, which to my younger self was guy or girl, were correct. I’m not a girl but I’m not a guy and—
And spoiler alert, I’m nonbinary. Woah. Shocked. But still, this concept of spending so long not thinking twice until you are put in a position where you’re forced to confront the fact that the person you’ve been for a while doesn’t feel like you is something that resonates with me. And I think it’s why when Dumb pieces it together and draws the prophet symbol in the snow and—
Dumb is proposed a question during their time on bliss. A question that they have never been given the luxury to answer before.
Every server before this Dumb has been there from the start and has been there with history. Every server before this has asked Dumb to play a role, whether it is the world itself or the people within it.
But on Bliss, a server so established, a server so full of history, Dumb is almost an outsider. And so, instead of being told: “be the hero,” Dumb is asked “what do you want to be?”
And it is now where Dumb has the slow realization that they don’t know. They’ve never thought about it and the more they think about it now the less and less sure of anything. And i think part of it stems from the fact that, sure, dumb was sure in their actions and morals during their past servers, but those roles they played? They hated them. They hated the hero and the villain and the underdog and the solider and most of all each time it all ended badly.
And the gems still don’t fit. The binary of options in front of them don’t fit. Strength, Puff, Life, Astra, Speed, Wealth, Flux, Fire. None of it works. The same way not one role in specific fits them not one gem fits them.
And so, Dumb comes to the conclusion that they are no one. How can you exist as someone if nothing works. And yet— Dumb decides that if they are no one, not one specific gem, then they can be all of them. Everyone. Every gem when they want when they feel like it.
Dumb looks at the binary of gems they are supposed to pick from and says, “fuck it, i don’t want to pick. let me be all of them. let me be something else.”
They are slowly learning about who they are. Slowly learning their likes, their dislikes, and more importantly: their goals and morals and beliefs when it isn’t something the world demands. When they’re not given a role by the people around them to follow. And the first step is this gem switching. If nothing fits concretely, then let it not. let it change and fluctuate.
and, if you haven’t gotten it already, if you view the gems as the gender binary, the concept that you are either a girl or a boy, then dumb going against this is them saying “no, i’m not neither. i’m going to present how i want and be who i want when i want.” #nonbinary
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notes hello
1) i don’t include infuse 2.5 or mace s2 in my recap of dumb’s journey mainly because dumb doesn’t really like talk about those on the stream. I have a similar thing to say for both of those seasons, mace s2 is pretty blatant in your face about it and infuse season 2.5 had dumb basically only for stormz’s (and q4’s) sakes. dumb said their infuse journey ended with infuse s2 so that’s why i stopped it there tho.
2) i gave up on citations half way through. source: trust me bro (im lying. the stuff im saying and referencing is in streams. give me time and i’ll add hyperlinks with timestamps if i remember. if i dont, send me an ask and ill answer it. maybe. i’m forgetful.)
3) i personally have a fucked up relationship with gender. like most people, i’d imagine. for a while my “role” in my household and what i imagine id do in the world was intrinsically linked to the fact that I was born a girl, and the eldest daughter of my family. I have since very obviously deconstructed those beliefs and have a different understanding of who I am now. Dumb’s identity crisis and resolution resonated with me and the experience i went through for a majority of my life. I wanted to write about it.
4) There are, I believe, other factors as to why Dumb is a follower so often (anxiety about losing people leading to inability to speak for themself and what they want is a major one) but I mainly focused on the lens of the sort of conditioning side of it, i guess. not that there has been an all encompassing evil force in dumb’s life but more in the sense that they have been in this situation for a very very long time.
5) stormz is also a person that plays a factor into dumb’s decision to make the vow however the vow ultimately is something dumb makes for themself more than anyone else. their resolve this time around is to help stormz, and i do still think part of this is falling back into the same habits as before. but this time the whole helping stormz bit is something that definitely wasn’t as forced, thinking back to the conversation in february and other similar conversations.
6) shout out to how miserable dumb sounded the entire stream. keep it up. keep it up.
7) yes, this is why mirrors are becoming a very present symbol within the art i draw of binding vow dumb. if you’re curious ill prolly post about my art thoughts more on throughly, i think there’s also my actual design notes there too. my headcanons #myheadcanons
8) once again. this is not speculation about the actual guy in anyway. idgaf about them. she can have fun doing whatever it is he does bro. i’m purely talking about the character being portrayed on the bliss smp. also, please don’t take my words as gospel. i’m not like the end all be all of things. i’m just a nerd and have a lot of information rattling around in my head.
Yes purjopa please talk about Dumb selfishness purjopa. Talk about how even if Dumb was fully locked in it would not change anything because they do what they want to do, and teaming with kantje was something new interesting and fun, and they even stated right there and then that they won't try to help Stormz anymore, and proven it today by not trying to see from his perspective. Talk about how even if he didn't purposely lie while explaining himself he still lied - "I didn't realize until later" my ass they were cracking jokes about Stormz reaction while discussing if they should make announcement in team channel or not. It didn't seem like lie because Dumb didn't care enough to remember, didn't care for this situation enough to realize how massively it will actually affect Stormz
a huge part of dumb is that they have a very very self centered point of view. it’s almost an exact opposite to stormz, who i argue does care a lot about other people’s perspectives of him (ie: bliss and mace s1, “why torment myself to deal with stares from everyone, insults from everyone”) vs dumb who just doesn’t care much about that.
in a lot of cases, dumb’s doing things like “atoning for their past” not because they’re truly seen as a villain in the eyes of others but because they see themself as that. you see it in the way that they believed they were the sole cause of mace s1’s destruction when in reality no one believed them or how they were so dead set on making up for apophis when no one on the server was still upset about that.
and this also reflects a lot through this. dumb doesn’t consider how teaming with kantje will effect stormz beyond “oh he’ll be upset with me.” but, like, so will pinity so “shrugging emoji it’s not that big of a deal.” dumb doesn’t consider that this whole thing will hurt stormz more than just a base level of “lol i’m teaming with someone u don’t like” instead of “you are someone i consider my closest friend and you just betrayed all of that by teaming with the one person who i truly truly despise,” because in truth, stormz and kantje’s problems don’t revolve around dumb. therefore dumb doesn’t particularly care for them. it is not that dumb is lying, but what dumb means there (though they did say it in like the worst way possible but i forgive them) is that they didn’t realize the full and true extent they’d hurt stormz.
this has happened before too. dumb’s not realized truly just what they’re doing to stormz and then push him to the edge. it happened in blackhole. and it’s happening now.
and also, if you’ve had no reason to log on at all. and you find something that gives you a spark of motivation. a drive to continue. to play the server and not let it end like every other time (dumping out your echest to your friend and then jumping off a mountain or having that friend kill you and then logging off forever) then you would hold onto that too. you would do your damn best to make sure you don’t lose that again. and beyond just that it’s fun and you feel like you’re alive and you have a reason to do things again. it’s incredibly selfish, but this is dumb. of course it’s selfish.
and i’ve said this before but, dumb holds no attachment to bliss in anyway. they will not care when the world end comes, not in the way they cared for infuse. how could they? they’re here as a guest. they want to have fun. they don’t want to deal with the unscalable wall that is fighting le, trying to climb that wall and falling off it over and over again. why subject yourself to a Sisyphean task for a world you don’t even properly exist in. it’s why you don’t see that loop of power and guilt, which is a loop for dumb that stems from their self centered perspective, but instead you get the dumb who logs on in bursts of motivation when they find something fun and only does the thing they find fun. it’s why this is so different from their time on other servers.
ok bye
also if the dumb oshi is out here saying they’re the one in the wrong here you best believe it, okay?
anyways to this i raise: cognate for dumb and kantje. because they are in many ways so so so similar in what they want (or rather: what kantje wants now and what dumb used to want) but what separates them is the language (the way) they use to get to it. dumb who is a pvper at heart and fighting is what they do best and honestly they’re a one trick wonder sometimes so when it comes down to it they will use violence to say their piece. kantje who is everything but that. who speaks an entirely different language of conversation and notes and tests.
they descend from the same place (their goal in regards to their time on the servers they’ve played) but then differ by the actual way they go about it. the first being that ancestral language and the latter being the branches of that language.
and also in my humble opinion i think kantje and an older version of dumb r lowk more similar than youd expect.
This has been on the forefront of my mind for a while, so i decided to sit down and collect my thoughts. (Apologies if it still seems a littlw incoherent.)
The way people see/treat stormz is actually a really good representation of how people with BPD are treated irl.
BPD(borderline personality disorder) is mainly characterized by factors such as Emotional Volatility, dissociative symptoms, risk of self-harm, severe abandonment fears, etc. These traits, when seen and experienced from a third person perspective, seem very abrupt and hurtful. It is also incredibly villainized due to these traits. You’ll often find people label them as ‘insane’ or ‘crazy’ with no regard to their experiences or point of views.
The way Stormz acts has been stigmatized to so many levels, leading to just slapping a label on him and calling it a day. (Note; most of these labels are usually just insults.) BPD defines very deep self-hatred and struggle with a sense of identity along with emotional pain that oscillates very frequently. This is also what alludes to conflict in interpersonal relationships for those who have BPD, making it the main target. The ‘manipulation’ that is noted, is mostly a way to cope with the abandonment and rejection issues.
Stormz’s obvious struggle with sense of identity, struggle with sense of purpose, is what has made him lash out multiple times when attempting to be put in a mold of what he ‘should’ be by others, which was usually to make sense of Stormz by just constricting him. These issues are further cemented by the ‘weapon’ and ‘human’ talk.
Interpersonal relationships are very targeted because of very quick attachments paired with severe fear of abandonment lead to very volatile actions and desperate attempts to be in control, which may lead to obsessive distancing to oscillating views on the people close. This can lead to ending relationships and hurting those people.
Another trait is devaluing things down to be black and white, evil and good. This may not seem prevalent to Stormz, but a very good example is his early on impression of mugm being ‘the villain’ and a blind attempt to take him down, only later seeing Mugms POV and discarding that view. Stormz also exhibits traits of a very unstable perspective on his relationships with/perspective on others that depend on obscure criteria. POVs fluctuating between putting someone on a pedestal to accusing them wrongly.
Stormz may seem like an advocate for change, but he’s not. His actions of seemingly leaving others and distancing himself are just a desperate attempt at protecting himself from the abandonment issues he has. Because surely he wont be rejected/abandoned if he’s doing the abandoning and rejection, right? In his, he may have put up the act of ‘moving on’ from his relationships/teams, but he hasn’t. (Tb, Te)
This is not to defend Stormz or be an apologist. Stormz is still responsible for the actions he has taken. Stormz has internal confusion over shame and guilt, his shame takes form in superficial ‘accountability’ saying that he ‘knows he does it to himself’ and that ‘he dug this grave.’ but this does nothing as stormz exhibits the same traits and destructive methods over and over again. He has a ‘I am a bad person and I have accepted it.’ mindset of sorts. While if he was genuinely guilty and had genuine acknowledgement, he would attempt to get better. This is not to say Stormz doesn’t have guilt, he does, at a very severe level but it’s also mixed in with shame.
(^this is also a characteristic of BPD in infantile behavior and a way to shrug of any blame of their own actions.)
All of these traits experienced by a third party or a third person POV can seem very confusing and desperate attempts to understand it can make it very. Very. frustrating. When Stormz’s words dont match his actions, when his actions dont match his words. Many times when someone talks about Stormz, it is straight up wrong or very… stigmatizing.
We, yes, we kinda live in Stormzs head so of course we can make sense of his actions and mental state that dictate them but others, cannot. And it makes for a very interesting perspective that people who have stuck with him still manage an extremely superficial image of him because of these long running debilitating traits of his. It seems like he’s given the space to be vulnerable and then immediately given labels that only encourage the villainization in the long run, just like real life cases of BPD.
His coping mechanism in the form of self-harm is not traditional, but takes place in throwing himself in dangerous and stressful situations and dying over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Most of these situations being fights or conflicts. He repurposes this as an ‘easy acceptance of failure and ability to get back up again’ but when it really counts, he falls apart. (Heretic)
BPD, at its core, is fear and instability(in various factors ofc). Attempts to protect yourself from this fear can come in varying methods, but when protection is achieved via achieving power, Stormz is going to strive for that.
Also, Anarchy servers and the treatment of PVP-ers cater an environment that only encourages Stormz’s degrading health and actively take away any chance of self-recovery or even betterment(WHOSAIDTHATT) Stormz isn’t going to learn because he actively avoids it and because he Cant.
I guess what I’m getting at is that i feel a mild irritation spike up whenever people call stormz ‘switchup’ or things of that nature. But it’s also very interesting to me. yeah ok im done im never doing an analysis again
GODBLESS BLISS SMP AND YOUR SYMBOLISM WITH ACTUAL REAL LIFE CASES REGARDING MENTAL HEALTH AND ILLNESS
