Pocket Poly

I've been doing Ethical Non-Monogamy/Polyam for 17+yrs, Married to primary nesting partner hubby❤, together 23yrs, I have a platonic triad with my bestie and her hubby💕 & am currently in one of the most healing healthy relationships I've ever had with #redgrasshopper. These posts are stories and journal-like posts regarding my relationships as they come and go. Often nicknames are used in the tags. I share the ups and downs of my life here. Internal workings of my thoughts and emotions. As my poly life is often messy. But so is my healing journey

[pocket-poly]

[pocket-poly]

Due to schedules I havent gotten to see redgrasshopper in 5 days.

Today he was so excited to see me he had to go back out to the van to get the flowers he had for me.

I've spent my whole life not needing people. The frist born daughter to emotionally unavailable parents, parentified child, people pleaser, and years of perpetuating trauma, needing someone would leave me too vulnerable. Being needed was misunderstood as being loved and that is a earth shattering shift.

But I needed him.

Not in a help me with a task kind of need.

It IS soooo much deeper than that. I NEEDED HIM, his energy, his touch, his smell, his safety, his love. Everything about him!

[pocket-poly]

[sirarxen4]

Hmmm

[sirarxen4]

[pocket-poly]

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When you are loved in ways you need to be.

When your loved loudly, cheered for, supported and consistently shown effort...

things change in ways you couldn't grasp until suddenly you see it.

I use to walk in to spaces and worry if I was good enough, if my clothes were appropriate, if I was liked.. going on. Quick store run in sweat pans and a old baggy tee. Hell no i don't wanna be judged, I wouldn't leave the house unless presentable, I would second guess myself and doing things 150% because failing wasn't an option.

But being loved so well....

I walk into space knowing i am beyond loved, wanted and appreciated. That there isn't a single person in that store who's opinion of me matters.

It is a transformation in self-love that, despite extensive therapy, actively experiencing and feeling a secure and healthy love could help foster.

[pocket-poly]

[pocket-poly]

[pocket-poly]

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Best chance I have ever taken #redgrasshopper

[pocket-poly]

[pocket-poly]

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Oh he loves me so much more than I could even ask for.

[pocket-poly]

Reading this I am reminded how much exploring and living a polyamorus life has allowed me to maintain a since of self. It wasn't an easy start. All I had to talk about was my home and my kids but over time I learned I had more to who I was.

Who am I when I wasn't; the kids mom, hubby's wife, a daughter, a sister.....who am I.. it reignited my sex drive, my goals, my self worth and my dreams in so many ways. I learn more about myself everyday through the ability to live my life in a way that allows me to love others freely and openly.