Came across this while going through google.
I don’t want to turn this small blog into a sappy repost, meme, angst pit. But this particular message is pretty impactful to me right now.
I know, if I’m honest with myself. I don’t really WANT to die or be in a serious accident. But I know I’ve stopped caring if it happened. My self preservation is definitely going numb. I don’t move further into grass when walking down the road anymore. I just ignore the occasional car in my neighborhood. If they hit me, they hit me. That’s just the facts.
I hate that my thoughts are always drawn to my unhappy memories and things that are gone for good. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say what I feel to those that just… broke me.
Really, that’s probably the best word for it. Broken. I don’t feel like the person I once was. I feel more like a shell. An empty shell that’s still going through the motions. Persisting just because there’s no POINT to shattering. But no point anywhere.
I don’t know if I’m posting because I WANT someone to talk to or if it’s just a stupid hope that I’ll have the courage to say my side of the story that no one wanted to hear.
Every day I wind up thinking about how I let people get close. How I allowed my most vulnerable part of my soul show. And then they acted out my worst fear and now I’m still dwelling and hurting. Unable to piece my broken self truly together.
I’m stupid. I know how stupid it was to believe I WOULD be able to trust someone to give me honesty. It hurts. I’ll always be dwelling on how I was tossed aside with my voice being silenced. It really weighs on me how I wasn’t worth giving a moment to know, or speak on anything I did to people. It’s just the same painful song. I do something without knowing it was an issue, and get hurt as if I intended to do wrong by people.
I want to stop hurting. I want my heart to heal. I want to be able to feel PEACE in my soul again. But I don’t even know what that feels like anymore. I don’t feel the same as I used to. I just feel empty when I’m not distracting myself.
First, let me ask. If anyone is still around and might see this, don’t call for someone to check up on me. I’m not thinking of anything stupid.
Now, I figure this is the best place to vent. It’s a dead account and probably no one will still be around. But I’m hoping it’ll help me feel better.
Most days anymore, if I’m not distracting myself, I feel just… pain in my soul. I’ve been on medicine for over a year for depression and it… sorta helped. But it’s just getting worse again.
What sucks is that it’s not the depressed feelings I started the medicine for. It’s a new miserable state that… really just feels worse and hurts worse than my old feelings.
I constantly find myself remembering that… “Oh yea, I’m unhappy!” During work, (The most common time I’m awake to think.) And when that happens, my mind forces me to relive my unhappiness. Reminding me all the depressing events and emotions that eat away at me and brought me to where I am now.
I’ve TRIED so hard to let the pain go. Rationalize it and consolidate it. Accept and move past it.
But it still hurts. A lot. It feels as fresh as when it all started and I just want to curl up and go to sleep since I can’t feel the pain when I’m dreaming. (Most of the time)
I just… I feel like I’m betrayed and unwanted. All because of how my brain works. I ALWAYS come across wrong to people. My words and my actions are misinterpreted or misunderstood, and I wind up receiving retribution or am the target of reaction, without ever being able to defend myself or even know WHERE I went wrong.
Honestly, if I had a guess as to why I am the way I am… I may have some variation of autism.
And I down say that like some horrible thing. But… it makeseems sense to me as to how easily I fail to notice, I’m a social fuckup.
I just… I want to stop hurting so much. I occasionally find myself just wishing that the misery would end. Either by a happy accident ending it, wiping my memories, or just… a miracle finally releasing me from the constant revisiting of it.
I hurt, and honestly feel like I’m resigning myself to feel this pain all my life. I would guess it’s similar to what people with addictions feel when they’re trying to run away from their own pains.
But I’m not a risk of something stupid. I just am so tired of feeling like I will never be happy because I’m going to run off every person I have any attachments too. I have so few friends because of how I am. And even less of a romantic life.
I’m so afraid of approaching people anymore since I just know. Eventually I’ll be the one to hurt. Always. I don’t have the ability to hurt others by just leaving their life.
But everyone eventually does with me. Poof. No reason other than they are done with me.
I just want to stop hurting. Stop being miserable by my unexplained losses in life.
I want to move forward and be confidant again. I used to be so happy. I felt like I could do anything. But that was when I felt like I had a real purpose in life.
That’s something I haven’t felt for a few years now.
Sorry for the god awful long rant. I don’t know how to hide the text on mobile.
RAIE’S SUPER DUPER MILLION BILLION BELL GIVEAWAY (yaaay!!)
Okay, not quite that much, but it’s close. Since I’m crazy rich in ACNL, and there’s no way in Hell I’m ever going to use up all this money, I’ve decided to do a SUPER HUGE GIVEAWAY HOORAY! I’m going to be giving away a grand total of over 200 million bells to 15 different people. Wowowow! That’s so much!! That’s like crazy ridiculous levels of so much!!! So let’s get this show on the road.
PRIZIES!!
THE FIRST PLACE WINNER will receive… My autograph!! Nah, just kidding. First place is 100,000,000 bells. Yes, that is eight zeros.
The SECOND PLACE WINNER will receive 50,000,000 bells.
The THIRD PLACE WINNER will receive 30,000,000 bells.
TWO FOURTH PLACE WINNERS will receive 10,000,000 bells each.
An ADDITIONAL TEN PEOPLE will each receive either a CROWN or a ROYAL CROWN (you pick). OR 1,000,000 bells instead if you’d prefer.
Also all the winners will receive a complimentary basket of lemons, because lemons man.
RULSIES!!
I don’t care if you’re following me or not. I’m a fantastically awesome (and modest) person, so go ahead and follow me if you want, but it won’t help or hinder your chances either way (‘cause that’d be silly).
Likes do count
Tumblr DOES NOT COUNT MULTIPLE REBLOGS, so you gain nothing from reblogging multiple times. Save yourself some embarrassment, spare my dash some clutter, and please only reblog this post once.
You must be willing to give me your FC, and also make sure there’s space on the ground (somewhere) in your town for me to drop millions and millions of bells over the course of a few hours. Money transferring is time and space intensive, yo.
Please make sure your ask box is open, so I can contact you if you win. I cannot stress this enough. If your ask box is closed, I will immediately re-roll the winner and it’ll suck to be you.
The giveaway will end on AUGUST 20th, and I’ll randomize/contact winners over the following few days. End date subject to change depending on how many people enter.
Alrighty, I think that’s all. Good luck guys!! ~OvO~
Anyone know a really good mmo I can pickup? I need something I can get fully immersed in and just enjoy. I don't care what as long as it's fun and doesnt require money upfront. Like a free months trial or something.
Note - Please do not take this as the be-all-end-all of betta keeping. It’s just a few of the myths that get thrown around. If you’d like more information on the habitats, biology and care of these fantastic but misrepresented fish, check out these links! If you wish to keep a betta, the least you can do is your research! They are a little life who depends on you, not a novelty or decoration. Just be aware there is quite a bit of advice out there at caters to the myths.
Nippyfish.net | Bettafish.com
Feeding Bettas | Ethical Betta Breeding
First Tank Guide (has great info and tips on cycling your aquarium)
The Plight of the Betta (Includes a section on “betta vases")
I made 2 Pinterest boards for betta tanks. One for tanks, kits and equipment that bettas might do well in/with and another for stuff that may be marketed towards bettas but are not very good at all for them or their owner. These aren’t exhaustive lists, but a point of reference to go from.
For printing/sharing elsewhere: a huge & a smaller single-page version.
kianamaiart
origamiaround
vaporwave
blakekathryn
