In Which We Stay Up Far Too Late To Psychoanalyze Batman For Purposes of Mpreg
Wands: there’s a panel from the silver age comics where Batman and Superman watch a tentacle orgy, have a sleepover, and talk about their emotions and how they complete each other
Swords: LOL
Wands: I'm not making a single word of that up
Swords: Holy shit really
Wands: REALLY
Swords: okay
Swords: wow
Swords: tentacle orgy and manly tears
Wands: this got published
Swords: children bought this
Wands: I can't imagine they didn't
Wands: sometimes
Wands: people really need to step back and ask
Wands: "Now is the tentacle orgy necessary"
Swords: I can't think of a single reason why it wouldn't be
Wands: |D
Wands: There is, however, one ending to this tale I can think of
Wands: that can top even what is on this page
Swords: ooh?
Wands: the entire point is those tentacles were propagating. So the obvious narrative parallel would be sweet tender lovin'
Wands: resulting in one of them getting pregnant.
Wands: then and only then
Wands: would this be the most blatantly homoerotic comic with Batman and Superman in
Swords: hot diggity damn
Wands: I prefer Batman because it could make him chill the fuck out for a little while and have more of that family he so desperately craves
Swords: GOD YEAH
Swords: Bruce needs to have a kid
Swords: like a legit pregnancy
Swords: because he is clearly not dad material
Wands: HE TRIES
Wands: OH GOD HOW HE TRIES
Swords: he goes full throttle nuclear dad and MY GOD
Swords: THE RESULTS ARE TERRIFYING
Wands: honestly the only person I can see pulling off nuclear dad is Superman
Wands: he'd look downright neato in a sweatervest
Swords: pulling it off and not being borderline psychopathic, anyway
Wands: true
Swords: then again, he wasn't exactly the best dad for Jimmy
Wands: or Connor
Wands: albeit, that was more centered on the Young Justice iteration
Swords:it still boggles me how he acted like such an asshole
Wands: it makes me happier to imagine a universe where Batman is Connor’s mama
Swords: Seriously, with a bunch of loving ninja siblings
Wands: Batman's got a noble goal in a shite city but
Wands: did you ever consider that if he had to take, say, a year off
Wands: he might use his not inconsiderable power as Bruce fucking Wayne
Swords: BUT FOR REAL
Swords:HIS PARENTS HAD THE RIGHT IDEA, THEY WERE DOING ALL KINDS OF SHIT TO CLEAN UP GOTHAM
Wands: BRUCE HAS DONE SHIT
Wands: IT'S ALL BEEN ON BATMAN
Swords: THAT'S WHAT GOT THEM KILLED
Wands: seriously, imagine him taking a year off for reasons of babby
Wands: and realizing he has some serious capital
Wands: that he could use to actually change things
Swords: Instead of embezzling from his own company
Swords: maybe pulling a tony stark and introducing like, idk, mass clean energy for gotham
Swords: or fixing up the goddamn transit system his parents built
Swords: or the hospitals
Swords: or putting some fucking funding into arkham
Wands: Shit, what if he funded tuition for psychiatry purposes
Swords: maybe HIRE MORE COMPETENT DOCTORS INSTEAD OF FUCKIN SECURITY GUARDS
Wands: get some people who know what they're doing on the job market for Arkham to hire
Wands: I AM TOTALLY IMAGINING ALFRED PUTTING A MORATORIUM ON ANY BATMAN BUSINESS
Wands: LEAVING BRUCE GOING STIR-CRAZY WITH ALL HIS SUPER DETECTIVE POWERS
Wands: and a load of information on Gotham City
Swords: MAYBE HE'D ACTUALLY GET SHIT DONE
Swords: IDK
Wands: at the very least--
Wands: okay do you know about the fallout for No Man's Land
Swords: like seriously it always amazed me that a man with apparently endless wealth didn't do shit with it other than build the world's biggest mancave
Swords: like okay bruce you have a bunch of fancy toys that's really great how is a bat-jet going to reduce crime rate in a city of MILLIONS
Wands: and y'know what
Wands: his being a billionaire playboy?
Wands: IT'S WHAT GOT LUTHOR ELECTED
Swords: OPEN MORE SCHOOLS, BRUCE
Wands: WANNA HEAR THE STORY?
Swords: POUR MONEY INTO THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM
Swords: I vaguely remember being pissed off by something related to that
Wands: okay so
Wands: back in the mid nineties
Wands: Gotham City was struck by an earthquake
Wands: full on natural disaster
Wands: ... they got no aid for a month, iirc
Swords: Ah yes, No Man's Land
Swords: That's the one where Joker shoots a woman protecting a busfull of babies and gets pissy because it isn't funny, right?
Wands: yep!
Wands: afterwards, people got together to talk about it
Wands: Bruce tried to weigh in
Wands: but surprise
Wands: no one wanted to listen to the airheaded playboy
Swords: OH YEAH!
Swords: THEY THINK HE'S TOO MUCH OF A FUCKUP TO HAVE A VALID OPINION
Wands: AND THEN MOTHERFUCKING LEX LUTHOR
Wands: PROVIDES AID AND IDEAS
Wands: AND BRUCE IS BRUSHED TO THE SIDE AND
Wands: GOOD FUCKING JOB, BATMAN
Swords: AND THEN LEX STEPS IN LIKE 'Hey I heard you got earthquakes have a billion dollars and vote Luthor for president'
Wands: WAY TO GO BRUCE
Wands: COULDN'T HAVE MADE BRUCE WAYNE ANY LESS OF A FUCKUP?!
Swords: NAH, INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW, CRAFTING A PERSONA OF SOMEONE TOO BUSY TO FORM LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE HE'S FIXING THIS SHIT CITY, HE GOES WITH 'ASSHOLE WHO FUCKS EVERYTHING, WASTES HIS CASH ON BULLSHIT, AND IS GENERALLY UNPLEASANT TO BE AROUND'
Swords: man i never realized how angry i was about bruce wayne
Wands: it really pisses me off
Wands: I MEAN FOR FUCK'S SAKE WAYNE
Wands: YOU COULDN'T DO AN IOTA OF WHAT YOUR PARENTS WERE DOING?
Wands: OR, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY GET RID OF CRIME BY ROOTING OUT THE CAUSATIONS?!
Swords: LIVE UP TO THE MEMORY YOU SUPPOSEDLY CHERISH, MAYBE?
Wands: SHIT, MAYBE PAY FOR AN ASYLUM THAT ISN'T BUILT OVER A VAULT OF HORRORS?!
Swords: For fucking real though he could literally build a newer better arkham with his pocket cash
Swords: Like Wayne Enterprises is one of the biggest corporations in dc canon
Swords: like it's one of two
Swords: Wayne Enterprises and Lexcorp. All others succumb or perish
Swords: WHICH IS PRETTY AWFUL AS WELL
Wands: FOR REAL
Swords: BECAUSE JFC THAT CAPITALISM
Swords: (And something I would love to see Clark and Bruce debate on, because Clark is all about mom&pop businesses and shit, while Bruce snatches up chains like he's fuckin Flava Flav)
Wands: I think it's because he's a dude. Not that that informs his decisions, but that he was informed by his heroes of youth... self-centered heroes who could save the world with a well timed punch
Swords: That is a good point. What was the name of that Zorro/The Shadow expy he had a huge boner for when he was a kid?
Wands: The Grey Ghost?
Swords: The Grey Ghost?
Swords: ah yeah !
Wands: animated Batman has a fuckin' shrine to the dude
Swords: I remember that ep
Swords: and the guy turned out to be a straight up criminal, causing crimes he could then go in and 'solve' to get fame, iirc
Wands: that was what he thought of as being a hero
Swords: A vigilante gumshoe with no respect for anyone's brand of justice but his own is such a great role model.
Wands: you realize you did just describe Batman exactly
Wands: that is exactly his MO
Swords: YEP
Swords: The only difference is Bruce doesn't pack houses with gas-soaked rags. Instead, he packs mentally disturbed people into a rickety old brick looney bin that should've been decommissioned right alongside Danvers, and is standing outside the gate
Swords: casually flicking a lighter.
Wands: and he would never admit this in a million years but I think why he got so fucked up by that event was he wasn't
Wands: entirely focused on his parents dying being a tragedy
Wands: he was eight
Wands: he'd just seen a zorro movie
Wands: I would bet money his very first thought was "Zorro wouldn't have died like that. I don't want to die like that."
Swords: exactly.
Swords: He had all those visions of heroism fresh in his head, and in that little eight year old Swords: mind he was Zorro.
Swords: Most of us in that mindset don't have the illusion brutally shattered in a horribly traumatizing way almost immediately after that bright movie afterglow.
Wands: he wasn't Zorro. He wasn't Zorro in the worst way
Wands: he stood there and watched his parents die
Wands: he internalized that
Wands: and he's never stood still long enough to realize "HOLY SHIT I AM LITERALLY PUNISHING MYSELF FOR NOT BEING ZORRO WHEN I WAS EIGHT"
Swords: He never will, either. He's way beyond the point of being able to come to that conclusion; he's already rationalized and sterilized every bit of his own backstory in his head to the point that it is gospel to him now. No wonder Doc Strange was so fucking obsessed with that brainspace.
Wands: This is one of those things where I think a pregnancy would actually make shit work out for the best? First of all, Batman is so obsessed with family--I mean the size of his little flock of Robins is proof enough of that. Damian, as well. A pregnancy would make him slow down, re-evaluate shit... and maybe realize his parents weren't at fault for being gunned down.
Swords: And Bruce, in turn, wasn't at fault for being incapable of saving them
Wands: Maybe Gotham would be better off
Wands: if he finally admitted
Wands: he can't solve the problems one criminal at a time
Swords: He's not the Flash
Swords: He can't do it that way
Wands: He's not Superman. He can't shine that bright, be seen that far
Swords: (also I love the Flash and how he legitimately tries to help his enemies)
Wands: (IKR?)
Wands: (HE ACTUALLY CARES)
Swords: (Him and Diana man, they can actually pull off the one-on-one intervention)
Wands: (Batman needs desperately to fix himself before he can fix anyone)
Swords: (Seriously. And not only that, but his privilege is a huge block.)
Swords: (Like, Barry's a scientist, but he's also a nerd from a middle class family and knows first-hand what it's like to live and be the kind of people that his villains sprout from)
Swords: (Bruce is so fucking detached from the rest of the world it's almost impossible for him to relate on anything but a superficial level)
Swords: (Clark, similarly, is practically a man-made-god, and while he tries his hardest in some ways, there's only so far an honest country upbringing can go.)
Wands: (but he still sincerely tries. He believes in people. BRUCE DOES NOT)
Swords: (Bruce believes in failure and irony)
Swords: (And he's a huge pessimist. Not that he doesn't like being surprised, but he doesn't ever expect good things to last.)
Wands: (He's a rich kid trying to escape)
Wands: (and in the process, does less than nothing)
Wands: (I'd hate it more if it weren't so tragic)
Wands: (and if he didn't extend that escape to his Robins)
Swords: (He's a rich kid using the poor and underprivileged as his stepping stones for personal validation.)
Swords: (Not to say he doesn't make good efforts in his public life)
Swords: (But it's never enough, because he starts the projects and then delegates them to Swords: the wrong kinds of people.)
Swords: (Hell, Lucius Fox isn't perfect but at least he calls bruce out on his shit)
Swords: (HE should be heading W.E., imo.)
Wands: This is why I think of him getting pregnant. It'd shake his world to the foundations. It'd make him question. It'd make him unsure. It'd make him able to change... possibly into someone who realizes the Zorro thing is bullshit
Wands: So no surprise, but we ship Mike/Chuck. Hell I've got this headcanon where they play a game of sabotaging Chuck's car so it's never quuuuite good enough to justify taking against Kane. Defense-ready, sure, but not assault-ready. So Chuck just has to keep riding with Mike.
Swords: I like this. Who starts it though?
Wands: I am kinda totally picturing it being Mike. All like. "Huh. This is just good enough to take up against Kane. ... *drops wrench inside it* whoops that's gonna take some work" after seeing how Chuck is kinda nervous about it
Swords: Then later, Chuck 'accidentally' snips a cable. darn, gotta replace that.
Wands: Then accidental spill on a computer interface. Darn.
Swords: 'What happened to all the brake fluid?'
'Darned if I know, but it's gonna take forever to get the right stuff for this model.'
Texas catches them doing this and completely misunderstands
thinks it's a prank war
they catch him trying to stick
...
a banana in chuck's tailpipe
Wands: hahahahahaha
omg
Swords: right
'Dude, what... what are you doing?'
'Uh, duh, pranking the nerd. That's like a thing right? A thing we all do, breaking his car because he's a nerd?'
Wands: '... I'm not doing it on purpose Texas'
total lie
Swords: 'I can't tell which one of you said that cuz I'm not paying attention and you're lying.'
Sooo, rewatching Season 1 to catch up to Seeason 2 and.
I have a question.
So a Crystal Gem sacrifices herself to have a kid, right? Except their gem is then... part of the kid. Now either that kid is fully formed from genetics stuff or--
So did Rose Quartz knock up Steven's dad?
(STOP JUDGING ME, I HAVE REASONS)
I mean, with the cost of motherhood so high, I just bet the Crystal Gems would respect motherhood. So Rose Quartz choosing to do so can't have been a surprise or something they could object to. But at the same time Steven's dad would see it as unmanly and awkward, right?
What I'm saying is--their attitude towards him doesn't make much sense if Rose Quartz created Steven. But if he then rejected what they saw as a huge responsibility as an awkward inconvenience, even if he was willing to do it for Rose--it just makes a lot of sense, is what I'm saying.
So it's on Hulu, I was watching for the first time since... man, ages, and.
Did it occur to anyone else it'd be really neat if Ryoko turned out to be a guy? I mean. You wouldn't have to change one pose, inflection, or even most lines. And it'd really underscore the connection they have if Ryoko just happens to not be an amazing woman, which the series indicates is the direction in which Tenchi's attracted.
I'm just saying more serious variety in harem anime, please.
Hi! I'm Wands! A dear friend of mine, Swords, has joined me in doing this blog! See, between the two of us, we have a metric ton of bizarre of ideas, and we want to inflict them on share them with you all!
Swords: Join us as we journey through the fantastic fandom portal du jour to discover and indulge in the rarest and queerest headcanons we can conjure up.
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