PoeticAuDHD

They/He/It Genderqueer Transmasc Aroace AuDHD College Student I make poetry about my experiences, from my shittiest of days to the best moments of my life

[poeticaudhd]

Intro

I like writing poems. And I don't think they should sit forgotten in journals and random documents on my laptop, so I'm going to post them here. I hope people who know me irl don't find this, but oh well.

I go by they/he/it pronouns, am aroace and genderqueer (transmasc and somewhat disconnected from the idea of gender), have autism and ADHD and will most often write about my own experiences that are inextricably connected to my autism, ADHD, and queerness.

My favorite shows are Good Omens and Supernatural. Music taste is weird and gay as hell (Will Wood albums claimed 7 of my top 10 albums this last year).

College student, so lots of my work will be related to that experience. Immunology/Pre-med + Gender Studies double major with a psychology minor.

I hope some of you enjoy these poems, but mostly this is for myself.

[poeticaudhd]

Willing and Able

They're not Cain.

I'm not Abel.

But sometimes…

I've sacrificed so much for them.

My childhood was ripped away

And it's not their fault.

But still…

I was a parent- am a parent.

Because our parents needed help.

Because their parents couldn't handle the both of us.

Because I was there, Willing And Able

"Oh, we can fight like we used to fight

Bony-limbed, red-faced, and teary-eyed

Under the glow of the TV light, I'd be Willing and Able"

Please, let's go back to how we used to fight

Not you being grown up,

Unable to understand why I can't let you go

Unable to know that I need you

Unable to comprehend that you are why I manage to live in this house

Because you've never had to parent your parents

Because you were always your age

Because I love you, have always loved you, and can't let you suffer.

"Go ahead, take the drinks, the world belongs to you"

I'll give you everything

Anything

The world belongs to you.

"Oh, I wish you could know me

And I wish I could know you much more sometimes"

You can't know me

Because I don't know me

Because I didn't get a chance to find me.

And I want to know you more,

Know you like a sibling should

Not a parent, not a therapist

Not a guardian.

"Wish I could do nothing with you

Sit in the yard while the day dies, leave it all on the table

And I'll say I love you and mean it this time"

I'll mean it this time.

I'm so sorry for all the times

I fucked up

All the times I let my anger towards them

Land on you

All the times I failed you

As a parent. As a sibling. I can't be both.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

"If you're willing, I'm able"

[poeticaudhd]

[Deadname]

I spend hours in the mirror.

I can see myself clawing

Through Her Flesh

Slowly - so slowly -

Taking over Her Body.

Her parents notice.

They comment on all I've done:

Contour on her jaw,

Mascara on my mustache,

Tape on her chest,

Socks in my pants,

My Name on a necklace.

"What are you doing, [Deadname]?"

I stare at the mirror.

Tears fall down My Face.

She is Gone.

When will They see Me?

[poeticaudhd]

Road Trips

I don't have many happy memories

Of being cooped up

Stuck in a car for hours on end

With my family.

I keep trying to get my friends

To agree to a road trip

Hours on the road

With music, conversations, and good company

It sounds amazing.

I want to rewrite my memories

Pretend I've never had a bad road trip

Pretend my parents have never had a screaming match on the road

Pretend my sibling and I have never pissed each other off

While stuck next to the offender.

Pretend my family isn't broken

Pretend my family loves each other properly

I'm stuck in a car.

My dad is driving.

My mom reads her book to him.

My sibling is napping.

We are managing

I can feel the hope that builds with every passing peaceful moment:

Can we make it through this trip without snapping?

Without lunging at each other's throats?

Time will tell,

I wouldn't bet on it.

[poeticaudhd]

Graduating

Finally, I walked the stage

got a diploma

and left forever

I struggled. I cried. I raged. and I broke down.

Over and over. and over. and over.

But. Finally. I am done.

Done!

But not really

I still have my bachelors ahead of me

I still have med school

I still have residency

There's so much ahead.

And then there's the rest of my life

Years- fuck, decades - to live

Somehow, I'm not filled with dread

I'm excited to move on

To bigger, better things

Things I care about

It's a surreal feeling…

The transitory period

between life chapters;

I'm lingering in the edges

of things I'll have to leave behind

I'm watching the cliff move closer

Preparing to make the jump

to the future

I went to my friend's grad party today.

She looked amazing

Free from the stress of finals

Ready for summer

Tired from the busy day

Emotionally overworked

Unburdened

A complicated mix of everything

Life isn't simple.

Even now, when I don't have anything looming, it's hard

But it does get easier.

You find yourself:

Style

Gender

Sexuality

Politics

Friends and chosen family

It gets easier.

You find ways to cope;

To regulate,

To breathe.

To Live

It gets easier.

Moments of rest

and reflection

Time to heal

[poeticaudhd]

Just getting my thoughts out there about Good Omens finale... Its very unorganized: literally just giving myself some space to digest what I just watched. If you don't want spoilers stop reading this post

Disclaimer: In no way is anything I have to say meant to imply feelings I have about individuals who worked on the finale (unless you count ng who can rot in a hole for the rest of his life for all I care). Even with all my complaining, I am happy to have gotten anything for season 3, and I appreciate everyone who worked on the finale at any stage in any way, thank you everyone for bringing us this episode.

I finished watching it at midnight, after a week of extra stress and sleep deprivation, so maybe not my brightest idea.

I have been so scared leading up to me deciding to watch it because I Knew that it would either be pretty good or god awful and I really didn't want it to be god awful.

From here on out, Actual Spoilers for the finale.

Going into it I knew if they ended it with human ineffable husbands I would actually just emotionally shut down for several days because that's an awful, horrible ending and they deserve so much more out of it. Of course, we got human ineffable husbands and I am lowkey pissed and am not at all ready to pretend to be my normal self after that!

Genuinely, I was trying to just watch it the first time and just take in what was happening, not analyze it or do anything vaguely meta while watching. And I got pretty far into it (probably halfway) before I realized that there was simply Too Much they were trying to deal with and so all the plot was honestly just bad and it kept just plowing ahead with no time for them to explore their relationship. And Then! When they do get a moment to explore their relationship (deciding the literal fate of the universe), it isn't even exploring their relationship it is simply them agreeing to Crowley's plan of erasing themselves from existence for 'the greater good'.

I'm actually so pissed at this whole scene. Getting God and Satan in there was honestly pretty good, and I think in a better done finale it would've really slapped, but everything was so rushed that the maybe 20 minutes spent actually knowing that God cares and Satan has a personality outside of being the Devil was unhelpful and fell flat. Aziraphale's one thing he wanted was Crowley, no? That is what I got out of the scene, and then Crowley goes "yeah well, I want humans to have actual free will, even if that means we never existed" and Aziraphale just agrees without any real consideration? Any pushback? Maybe I read into Aziraphale's one want wrong (just for Crowley to be happy? idk), but I think the fact that they discuss their plans for the universe in seemingly less than 10 minutes is awful, especially when considering that its Aziraphale and Crowley who cannot communicate for the life of them; considering that it ends with them erasing themselves (and literal God) from existence; considering that its the first real private moment they have to themselves without an imminent threat looming over them; considering EVERYTHING that happened in the finale. While heartbreaking, I didn't have any time to let that heartbreak settle before moving on - which is to be expected from a 90 minute conclusion to Good Omens, but I'm complaining so idc - so it didn't hit like the end of season 2. Instead the absence of a lull to process the heartbreak of their decision only solidified my hatred for that scene.

I was really upset that Nina and Maggie didn't show up again, I think having a moment with them would've made the finale much better. Honestly I think the whole Crowley losing his car to Brian something or other was in no way important or helpful to anything they tried to do with this finale and could've been replaced with a frustrated Nina and Maggie getting Crowley sobered up for a moment. Or with a 1941 flashback.

I am actually so pissed that we didn't get ANY flashbacks, especially no way to tie up 1941 and all that happened in their relationship. I understand, again, that it was only a 90 minute episode, I didn't expect more than one brief flashback, but I was really hoping they would realize the importance and value of at least the pivotal moment of 1941 for their communication and just generally their relationship. I'm upset we didn't get any sort of kiss (no, I'm not counting Aziraphale touching his fingers to both their mouths), I'm upset we didn't get any sort of date with Them (only human ending them), I'm upset we didn't get any new Queen songs, I'm upset we didn't get to see The Them, Newt/Anathema, the Horsemen, or Gabriel/Beelzebub.

Once again upset about not getting to have any time with Nina/Maggie. I'm confused on what happened on Whickber street, why did it seem apocalyptic? Is that supposed to all be Brian's influence? That makes sense to me I guess... Why was the entire Jesus/Whickber street plot line so disconnected from the Ineffable Husbands? I really wanted to see Crowley and Jesus actually connect, I wanted to see Aziraphale and Jesus get some time to know each other, and I wanted to get to see stopping Michael with the Book of Life and Jesus walking among the Whickber street traders come together with a little bow at the end (maybe with the ineffable husbands asking the world to be reinstated? Something better than "restart it but make it so we don't exist"). I do appreciate that there was a reason Crowley was unhoused, but I don't think any of it was necessary or even a good plot line. I think it would've been better if it was simply Crowley chose to live in an alley because he decided to wallow in self-pity and Nina/Maggie and Mrs. Sandwich kicked his ass and got him to start taking care of himself right before Aziraphale needs his help to find Jesus and the Book of Life.

Overall, it is worse than I was hoping for, better than I thought it could be, but definitely disappointing. I will probably make another post or two about it, maybe an actual poem, maybe just some more rants, but I do expect I will start a fix-it fic and rewrite the finale in the way I'll end up deciding it should've gone... I suspect I have a lot more to say about this ending, but I'm more than a little tired and I think getting a couple hours of sleep might be best at this point. If you want to discuss the finale at all I am more than happy to talk (dms, comments, whatever works really)

[poeticaudhd]

Hope

TW: Emetophobia - Depictions of vomiting and nausea

CW: Passive Suicidal Ideation

My alarm startles me awake.

I'm lost- why do I have an alarm set for the weekend?

Realization dawns. Its Tuesday.

Fuck.

I drag my way to the kitchen,

Start eating my breakfast.

About halfway through breakfast, I get up to finish it in the car.

Nausea rolls over me

I drop my bag and rush to the bathroom.

I throw up what little food I ate

Fuck.

I check my temperature - no fever.

I'm not nauseous anymore, but still out of it.

Nothing is quite going right.

I leave halfway through lunch,

I need a nap.

I don't get a nap yet.

I go to physical therapy, finally.

I get to work towards less joint pain.

It's nice, a welcome change from the morning.

I go to swim practice,

It's an easy set. We finish early

I'm already feeling better.

In the locker room, the light feeling falls

I'm back to feeling down

Overwhelmed.

I need a break.

I don't eat dinner - I know I should.

I don't do my homework - fuck it's piling up.

I don't shower, I don't brush my teeth, I don't change clothes.

I just go to sleep, and hope everything is better in the morning.

It isn't.

But one day, it has to be

I need it to get better

I want it to get better

I want me to get better

But I don't want to live through this.

[poeticaudhd]

Dejection.

My swim team.

I love my teammates, I'm close with my coaches

I play a pivotal role on the team, and I have for the last three years.

I cheer for everyone at every competition,

I keep morale high,

I resolve conflicts,

I walk new swimmers through meets,

I drive as many people to practice as fit in my car,

I offer snacks, water, hair ties, caps, goggles, swimsuits. Anything anyone could have forgotten.

And yet, I am not team captain.

This was the year. My senior year.

I can't find anything I did wrong compared to team captains from previous years.

I was a pillar of the team,

I try my hardest every practice,

I work well, I lead.

So why would my coach not make me captain.

It doesn't technically matter.

The team still loves me,

I will still support them however possible,

There's not application for the title to go.

But I'm hurt.

I feel like this is some sort of an attack against me.

Maybe I don't get along with my coach as well as I thought I did

Maybe I did something bad and didn't realize

Maybe I just didn't do enough. Maybe I did too much

Whatever it is, it hurts.

I feel like I deserve that title.

Why don't I have it?

[poeticaudhd]

Grief.

Of the big and small.

I grieve all the time.

My dead pets, my failures,

My ex-friends.

But today its a rejection.

I dreamt of going out of state for college,

Of getting into this special program

That was everything I wanted out of an undergraduate degree.

And I didn't get in.

I was preparing myself to get rejected,

Because I knew there was a good chance I wouldn't make it.

It still hurts.

There was no time for denial,

That happened before I opened the email.

"Maybe it'll be good news"

"There's no need to be scared"

And I couldn't open it.

I was too scared.

Anger.

The first thing I thought upon finding out I didn't make it:

"Fuck."

I wrote a whole poem upset at myself.

At my failure.

Bargaining.

How am I supposed to bargain?

Yet I found a way.

"It won't be so bad"

"I can get undergrad done quicker"

"I can do a double major"

Ultimately I know that school isn't the problem.

Depression. or Acceptance.

I know I'm depressed.

I will be depressed for the forseable future.

I don't think I will see this as a positive.

I just wanted to get away from my parents.

My mom, especially.

And I failed.

I'm stuck with them for another four years

All because I couldn't write more compelling essays.

Or is it that I didn't do enough during high school?

Whatever the reason, it's my fault

And I'll reap the consequences of it.

Stuck here for what feels like forever.

I just wanted to be free

To transition,

To grow into my own person,

To explore myself,

To escape the hatred I feel for my parents.

[poeticaudhd]

Rejected.

I just got an email

The one I've been dreading.

I didn't get into the program I wanted

My dream program.

Weirdly, I'm not crushed.

I kind of expected it.

I wrote a whole poem about it before I knew the results.

The meaning behind the rejection hasn't sunk in yet

I haven't digested the fact I'm stuck in this town,

With my family,

For 4 more years.

Fuck.

I've been in this shit hole of a town all my life

And college was supposed to be my way out

And now I fucked that up.

I fucked it all up.

I wasn't good enough for the scholarships I needed,

The program I wanted,

The cities I wanted.

I failed, and now I'm stuck here.

I almost feel foolish for thinking that I could escape.

That I could leave my family behind

And get to start over.

Gods it's all my fault.

I guess my prediction was wrong.

I'm not blaming my hellish high school for my failures,

Only myself.

I didn't do enough, and there's no one to blame except myself

Fuck I was naïve to think that I was unstoppable

That I would get in simply because I tried my best.

I've been rejected so many times before:

From programs I wanted to get into,

Friendships, events, memories.

But this one hurts.

I thought I had a chance.

I thought I could make it.

And obviously I was wrong.

Fuck.

I just needed a win.

A way to get away from my family.

My mom.

A fresh start where I could be myself.

And I failed.

Fuck.

[poeticaudhd]

Regret

I'm applying to my dream college

My dream program

But it the program is highly competitive.

With only 25 people accepted each year.

I'm going against valedictorian,

Perfect GPA, perfect test scores,

Countless extracurricular activities.

And I'm so scared I'll fail.

I'm worried my GPA will drag me down.

I've done plenty of things outside schools

I have a great test score

But my GPA is slightly lagging.

But there's a reason.

I went to a... a weird high school.

First, it's a middle and high school

Designed for "profoundly gifted" students.

It collaborates with the local university,

And my easiest class senior year

Was a 300 level Biology class

Through the university.

I spent 5 years at that school

And it was hell.

So much of my time was spent trying to get a 'decent' grade

Which, for my parents, was straight A's

I believed it too.

I pushed myself so far for so long

And now I'm a husk.

A shell, hollow and barely scraping by.

Now I grasp desperately at the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll finally be able to study what I want.

I'll finally have the chance to be free from my family.

I'll finally get to be me. Unapologetically.

But I have to make it into this program first.

High school wasn't all bad.

Nearly half the school is queer

And everyone is neurodivergent.

I had a surprisingly large group of friends

And my closest friends I wouldn't trade for the world

Which is what makes the potential of rejection so scary.

Had I gone to a regular, run-of-the-mill, public high school

I would have been valedictorian.

I would have a perfect GPA, perfect test scores, and shining extracurriculars

I would be the perfect candidate.

So if my lagging GPA and great but not astounding extracurriculars

Keep me from my dream

I will blame my high school.

I will regret making the choice to go.

I don't want to regret it.

I don't want the last five years to be a mistake.

I don't want my friendships to be a mistake,

A regret.

I know I will spiral farther and farther

Down into the hole

Of self-pity, loathing, and disappointment

That I'm teetering over the ledge of.

I don't want rejection to send me in this spiral

But I know that I can't stop it.

I can only cling to the hope

That my personality is enough

To overcome the deficit of my statistics.

[poeticaudhd]

New Years

New year, new me.

That's the saying

But I know it's not true.

Don't get me wrong, I want to change

Improve upon myself,

bring the person in my head out to the world.

I'm scared.

What if the changes I want to make drive away my friends?

What if I fail and end up worse off than before?

What if I regret ever trying to change?

This year was the first time I celebrated new years with friends instead of family.

I got away from my parents, who I can't help but hate

And enjoyed by best friend's company

The group of us had lots of fun.

I don't regret it.

I cut my hair today.

The first time I've ever held the shears and went to town.

I love the haircut, I look more like myself.

But I want to keep cutting,

Keep going until so much hair is chopped away that I finally see Me.

He's hiding underneath the surface,

Clawing at my sides - begging to be let out.

I want nothing more than to allow Them that freedom.

Will this be the year that I see myself?

That other people get to see Me?

"10! 9! 8!"

We're counting down the seconds.

I have no resolutions, only vague dreams.

I want to stay with my friends

I want to see myself.

I want to get into the programs I dream of.

I want to enjoy my life.

I want to fix the world.

I want

I want

I want.

But will I act? Or just pray these wants float into my arms

As I stumble blindly through my life?

"Happy New Year!"

[thepinkpestilence]

there is a very particular sense of entitlement abusive parents have over their afab kids bodies. a young closeted trans guy might go out and get a buzz cut and his mom will react as if she herself was forced at gunpoint to get her hair cut on top of losing all her limbs at the same time. yes. the reaction can look like this.

[poeticaudhd]

I dyed my hair for the first time the summer before my senior year of high school.

I begged my parents to let me.

They reluctantly agreed, assuming it would be a one time thing.

I'd wanted to dye my hair since I was around 11 and found out about hair dye.

I was always denied it and stopped asking about 6 months after.

I always assumed I would have to move out before I could dye my hair.

Shortly after that first round of dye, I turned 18

I dyed my hair. Again and again and again while still living with them

My mom always complaining that I'm ruining my hair

My dad staying far away from me, the dye, amd the bathroom.

I've always wanted tattoos and piercings.

My parents have always thought those were desecrations of our bodies, sculpted by "God".

I didn't understand how He could make me wrong

And that I wasn't allowed to fix it.

Even at 18 I couldn't bring myself to get piercings or tattoos while living with my parents.

I didn't start testosterone. Top surgery was a far off idea.

I go back home for Christmas.

They are uncomfortable.

They don't care that I'm trans.

It's a problem. They don't care.

No effort in learning or working on their societally bestowed transphobia.

They look at me as though I'm an alien

Someone who has replaced their eldest daughter,

Someone who seeks to ruin their reputation,

Someone who is a threat to their existence.

I left to be myself.

I left to breathe.

I left. And I hate going back.

I long for the day that I don't feel obligated to return.

[poeticaudhd]

Boredom

A week into winter break and I'm tired of it.

The day I finished my finals I was bored,

So bored I dyed my hair.

The next day I spent watching something, anything to keep me distracted.

Day after day after day I have nothing better to do

Than twiddle my thumbs and stare at the ceiling

I lied. I have some online courses required for graduation

Countless crafts to continue,

Poems to write,

A dorm to clean,

Friends to meet.

But none of it saves me from the boredom.

It is so much worse than the stress of school.

I can't get off the couch.

Or is it that I won't?

I don't know anymore

I wake up late, go to bed early

Sleep keeps the boredom away.

Books and music and dancing and the gym do nothing to curb the emptiness of boredom.

What am I doing wrong?

Has social media destroyed my attention span so much that I cannot entertain myself anymore?

How do I stop the boredom?

I want to stop it.

It has to stop.

I will find a way to stop it.

[poeticaudhd]

"What are your thoughts on AI?"

That's not right...

No one has straight up asked me. They assume they know the answer.

My mom uses it to make sure her emails sound professional, with proper grammar.

Being an immigrant with English as her third language, I guess it makes sense for her to use it in this instance.

It's uncomfortable though.

Before, she would have me or my dad review her emails,

and now we've been replaced by AI.

My classmates use AI to write speeches, summarize articles,

Whatever they can get away with.

When you're buried in school, work, and extracurriculars, it makes sense to use it for these simple tasks.

I don't pretend to tolerate their use of AI.

Either lower your workload or manage your time better,

AI is not the solution.

Some people use it as a friend, doctor, lawyer, anyone they can think of.

It makes me nauseous to think of holding conversations with AI, let alone trust it with a diagnosis.

Do people not realize it doesn't know anything?

It can't understand text, it understands the frequencies of words relative to each other.

It doesn't know anything and people treat it like an all-knowing being.

That isn't even the worst part:

AI is going to kill us all.

I'm tired of pretending to not see the ugly at the end of this road.

The amount of water, energy, and materials it takes to run data centers

To answer your stupid prompt

Is insane. Every prompt someone puts into an AI engine, they actively participate in their death.

I'm tired of biting my tongue and watching people destroy the future.

Who is shoving AI down our throats? Tech billionaires.

The same tech billionaires that wouldn't look you in the eye as they beat you bloody

Not because they're ashamed, but because they don't think you deserve that small dignity.

The same fucking fascists that prey on children

The same assholes who exploit everyone.

The same scum that ruin your life.

Why would you ever use what they shove down your throat?

Why would you ever choose to kill yourself so you don't have to think?

Why would anyone ever choose AI?

Why are you killing us?

[depsidase]

[madgastronomer]

The USPS does not lose or spend billions a year. It was making a profit until a Republican Congress tried to sabotage it by forcing it to fund pensions for 80 years out. Now it's struggling to do that, of course. But that money doesn't evaporate, it goes into pension funds. Of course, the Republicans' ultimate goal is to eliminate the USPS so only private industry will deliver mail, so they keep on going after it, even though a postal service is specifically dictated in the Constitution. But that's what this claim is about.

[depsidase]