Fuck The Lemons.

26 California. hippie shit on the DL.

[poeticsoulstice222]

Making bargains with grief.

[poeticsoulstice222]

I hate mourning life so much when I’m capable of living. Sometimes I just sit and ask myself how? I ask god why? And I ask the devil why me? I don’t feel ashamed for wanting simple things that we all deserve. U think all I ever wanted was someone to give me the love I’ve always carried myself. I want the late nights with only eachother I want the accidental best trip with my love. I want someone to pick me over and over again in pure love not judgment or regret. I want the proposal, the fresh airy mornings with only your eyes and the sunrise to wake me. I wanted children and the passionate love making after we’ve put them to bed, the dilemma of what we will do but going through it all together..not alone.. or with someone who doesn’t even care to brush his teeth. This man doesn’t care about anything and I’ve cared about everything way too much. How did I end up with this man that would have … just how. I don’t have any maternity photos, or pictures of my mom holding my belly or a grandmother and I cooking in the kitchen preparing for my new life. It’s just me. I have my younger nieces.. but I have no one who’s done this before. I have no one to make me believe hope actually is real and the outcome of hope can be love or happiness or idk anything other than this. I reach out to old friends ds to be reminded that there’s a reason we’ve seperated, I try to find love for this new life of mine but I find myself questioning reality, punching myself to see if it’s all a nightmare but it’s not. It’s real, real children crying everyday, real pain from who I became. I hate myself. I genuinely hate myself and I have never hated myself. I miss my cats, I miss my old job and my old bills. I miss sitting on my patio smoking a joint with Cosmo and gravy by my feet or on the beam of the patio enjoying the sunrise with me. I threw gravy to the streets like he was nothing but I am nothing and I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much. I miss Leon. I hate that relationship but at least I could escape with him. He was a dream in this chaotic world he was my hope. I hate being this mother. This is not what I bargained for.

[poeticsoulstice222]

My favorite show is friends (and greys anatomy) I use to always question as a child why Ross and Rachel would t just be together. Like duh, it made perfect sense to love someone and be with them. Well now I’m 35.. and I unfortunately.. completely understand what it feels like to be madly in love with someone and not be with them. Life moves fast, circumstances change what’s best for us. But how disheartening is it to feel… is it to know we do what’s best as adults and not what right. Damn.

[poeticsoulstice222]

I don’t trust people with children who say “if I could I’d chose to be a parent all over again” because why tf are you lying?

[poeticsoulstice222]

I miss my single shit check to check life. Now I’m nothing to nothing beg for beg going kid for kid. 🥲🥲 a cry for help? I’m done with it all.

[poeticsoulstice222]

The devil couldn’t reach me so he sent me the final boss of the shit men I date to be my children’s father

[poeticsoulstice222]

It’s one thing to be loved by family because you’re family and quite another to be loved by family because you’re YOU

[poeticsoulstice222]

A partner that loves me more and more for experiencing the emotions that motherhood brings >

[poeticsoulstice222]

Craving that physical touch that’s pure emotion. I need one of those “I love you” holds. I don’t think I’ll live long enough to ever get one again and having two boys, well how could I ever even focus or give enough care to allow it in my life again. My soul hurts my body yearns and my heart is on fire in the worst way. I can’t believe this is my life.

[poeticsoulstice222]

Wish I had a day to myself on a day I actually want for myself 😪

[poeticsoulstice222]

Every kick

Every cry

Every diaper

Every spill

Every laugh

In my hands

In my heart.

Mommy got you.

[poeticsoulstice222]

Miss the days I could just up and have a solo lake day. Miss my body being my own. 😪

[poeticsoulstice222]

Nothing really changes when the heart doesn’t feel at home. You can’t force a crab to be happy in a snail shell.

[poeticsoulstice222]

I hate when people start arguments with you just to justify some fuck shit. Like just do you without the bs.

[poeticsoulstice222]

He said the pressures on him,

While everything was in my name,

While if I didn’t do the work the work wouldn’t get done,

While doing exactly the same routine he has since the relationship begun

While I create new life inside me and hold a little one on my shoulders

He says the pressure is all his but I’m weighted down by boulders

Knowing as soon as I have the second, the seconds will slip right through my hands

I’ve got to find a job to relieve the pressure of the man

When it actually is all on me all of what parenthood demands.

[poeticsoulstice222]

I just need a break but lord if I’m not deserving please allow my soul that acceptance and take away the hope.

[poeticsoulstice222]

Don’t break your own code, don’t break the promises to yourself.