VOL II: Entry Two [Consumption of Delusion?]
I am consumed by a presence that tears and wrecks me. He follows me in every waking moment and every evening's dream. He is unescapable and dreading, yet the yearning I feel when I am reminded of his presence over and over again doesn't frighten me in the way that I believe it must.
How to control feelings that cannot be felt?
I consume, consume, consume. Every image, every connection, every comment, every like, every follow, I am understanding and developing a plan of manipulation in my mind on how to seize the opportunity to know him. To be near him. For any excuse to speak of him or connect him to the conservation. I fear it has become obvious to those who know me well. I fear it might be obvious to him in which case I am nothing better than a ragging junkie who's addicted to nothing else but him .
I hate it. I hate him.
I hate the way he made me feel the first time I saw him and his smile echoed in the silence that my mind became in that moment. The mystery of not knowing him immediately only increased the delusion that his presence brought about. I was able to create a character in my head, like I have done with so many boys before.
I hate that I want him
I hate my awareness that I shouldn't.
I hate that I want to be a good person.
I hate that I am person with consequences
I hate that this is eating my heart alive.
-F.E Bohemian















