technicolor beat

I'm somewhere in between lightning and the distant crash of thunder

[poetrv]

“C’mon, what are you waiting for?” You laugh, and I can picture your smile. What I see is your back as you walk away. 

I don’t know, I think. I don’t know, and I can’t move. 

Come back, I think. Come back, I miss you. 

Aren’t we friends? 

But you’ve moved on.

Weren’t we friends? 

[poetrv]

it’s agony, that’s what it is. have i been doomed from the start, this cycle -

bridges they are burning

my hands are scrubbed raw and i don’t know when i’ll touch bone 

[poetrv]

can you at least pretend to take this seriously?

i don’t know how. i’m a coward, pathetic and scared and i run away because i don’t know how else to live. 

i’ll say i’m sorry, i’m sorry a million times over and i’ll still hide, ostrich in the sand. 

dumb and blind. 

[poetrv]

My body is wrapped in blankets but my toes prickle with the cold. I curl them into the rough grass and peer up into the stars. If I stare too long, I feel a bit dizzy and lost. I close my eyes and take a breath, chill slowly seeping into my lungs. 

[poetrv]

I have what I want. Do I? My head pounds in time with the rhythm of the rain on the rooftop. It’s alright, though. Everything will be alright. Everything has to be alright. 

It’s the first step on a path that I’m not sure that I wanted to take. My friend reached for the stars, yearned for them, and now they’re sitting in the palm of her hand. I watch from my doorstep, one foot in, one foot out, seeing her back grow smaller in the distance. 

[poetrv]

There’s a crick in my neck. My back aches. The fourth finger throbs. And I just don’t want to move. There’s an urgency that squeezes my chest. But I just don’t want to move. Opportunities litter the ground around my feet and I sit. I eat. I sleep. And these petals of hope wither and rot and die. And still I sleep on. 

[poetrv]

“Remember to stop and smell the roses,” people said. And I did, and they smelled wonderful. But then I hesitated for too long and now I don’t think I can remember how to move again. And so I’ve stayed and watched as my friends, family, life pass by. The roses grow taller, thorns wrapping around my ankles, rooting me to the ground. I itch to leave, but I don’t dare to try. And so I watch the backs of people I love grow ever smaller in the distance. 

The oppressive scent of roses fills my nostrils and lungs and I just want to breathe again. 

[poetrv]

I know what I want. But it just brushes past my fingers. It wavers and shimmers like a mirage. I’m too scared to reach again. Will it disappear this time? Is it just a frozen dream on the cusp of melting?

My feet are frozen, too. I think, move. They don’t. Like a cat on a hot tin roof, I guess I’ll keep dancing until I fall down or my soles burn.

Whichever comes first.  

[poetrv]

Sometimes, I wander. I walk the streets and twist and turn and forget to unspool the yarn that guides me home. I wonder if I’m following in a ghost’s footsteps or forging my own. Is there anything new on this old ground? How will I know?

[poetrv]

life before death

i can see my bones in the mirror

but i can’t break the glass

i’m free

but i’ve never felt so hopeless

[poetrv]

turn away

’cause i’ve seen the lightning

and now i’m just waiting for the thunder.

[poetrv]

reckless

play it fast,

play it loose. 

play it right before your eyes - 

before you die. 

[poetrv]

It’s very human to forget. To let go when it’s too tough. It’s ok. You don’t always have to be strong. Sometimes giving up can be harder than powering on. 

To go out with a whimper or a bang?

[poetrv]

I’m afraid to take action. At every fork in the road, there is a spot worn smooth by my feet pacing - back and forth, back and forth.

the ruts in my mind // c.l

[poetrv]

05.30.16

I’ve never really thought about it too much before, but I guess I can be kind of...intense. I have a one track mind, and homework is generally not on it. Everything fades to the side, I can rationalize away all sorts of common sense.

I keep telling myself I want to be independent, but I’m honestly a mess on my own. 

[poetrv]

My room’s a little too warm, so I change into gym shorts. After months of sweatpants and sweatshirts and socks, I had forgotten the feeling of bedsheets against skin. I lie on my back, slightly shifting my position every so often, relishing the cool slide of my toes against cotton. I feel content. 

[poetrv]

05.22.16

School’s almost over. I’m in that weird void of both feeling as if the year stretched on forever and as if it passed in the blink of an eye. 

I’m so, so tired. But I haven’t done anything. 

The checklist I wrote so optimistically down in my notebook - unchecked. 

If I’m improving, it’s only through grain by grain of sand passing in an infinitely large hourglass. 

I’ve avoided responsibility all my life. I guess it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that it would be a difficult habit to kick. 

My comfort zone strangles me, and yet I still can’t gather the courage to step over the line.