Cri (cree)

I just feel a lot **Old blog cri-97**

[poetry-by-cri]

I got you a ring for Christmas

You placed it on you wedding finger and seeing it made my heart dance

I know it wasn’t real, you laughed and took it off

But for a moment I saw a glimpse

Of what could have been

[poetry-by-cri]

I’ve decided to give myself the love you couldn’t wouldn’t. It’s funny, I’ve had what I needed all along I was just wasting it on you.

-cri

[poetry-by-cri]

I was sent home early from work because I was so sick. You came home so hungover you couldn’t drive yourself back to the hotel to get your phone so I offered. We got there and had breakfast at the rooftop bar where you had another drink. You remembered you had your cousins 16th birthday to go to and asked me to drive you. I met your whole family that day, I know it means nothing to you I was only there as a fluke but it meant something to me. You got sick and threw up when we got home and I took care of you, picked up your son and drove three hours round trip to take him to his moms.

I wonder if anyone thinks I’m as pathetic as I feel. Even when I’m sick, I can’t say no to you.

[poetry-by-cri]

You talk about our future about buying a house and getting chickens. How we need to save to buy land for your son to play in. You use the word We a lot for someone who thinks we are nothing more than friends. So, who is this we you are referring too if not me and you?

[poetry-by-cri]

I’m not brave enough to leave and I hate myself for it

[poetry-by-cri]

I made your house a home

I loved your child as my own

All for you to say you just want to be alone

And in the same breath

Beg me not to go

-cri

[poetry-by-cri]

You used to drunk text me

Ask me “where you at” baby

Said “you’re supposed to be at home with me”

Used to hold me as we feel asleep

Now we get drunk and cause a scene

Fighting over what this is,

You and me

- cri

To be continued just needed to get this out of my head and on paper

[poetry-by-cri]

I can’t listen to music anymore. Every love song reminds me of you. Even worse, I know you’d think of her and not me if you were listening to it. And every breakup song makes my heart hurt. Now I drive in silence.

[poetry-by-cri]

Read the fine print…

[poetry-by-cri]

The girl you love got herself someone else and part of me is glad you hurt because you hurt me. But it’s not the same hurt, you didn’t love her deeply, completely.

[poetry-by-cri]

It’s getting harder to write. I thought feeling this much would fill pages into novels into a whole series of you. But writing, it hurts ‘cause it just makes me miss you.

[poetry-by-cri]

You didn’t come home last night, and you’re still not home. My mind is going to the absolute worst place possible. I don’t know if she was out last night too, I can’t get a hold of you. Have you finally taken her, someone new?

-cri

[poetry-by-cri]

It’s funny, I worked through this hurricane and the irony I felt seeing exactly what I feel like on the inside right there before my very eyes.

[poetry-by-cri]

He makes me feel small, and not in a bad way. He makes me feel small in the way I did as a child when my mom could wrap her whole body around mine, a time when being small was safe. I haven’t felt that since I was 8, when I had to be bigger than the body I was in to protect myself and the ones I loved. But he reminds me, every night, when he holds me I can be small with him, it’s safe to be small with him.

-cri

[poetry-by-cri]

Loving you was like falling in love with the sky. Everyday was different, yet the same. I know what direction the sun rises and where it sets. But some days the sky’s gray and the others it looked like heaven’s gates. Like the sky, you were reliable and constant but, never the less, a mystery. I’m in awe of you everyday, my sky.

-cri

Video credit: me

Note: it’s crazy I swear you know when I’m thinking of you because you always call. Like right when I typed the last few words. It was a pointless call, your at a concert actually, but you still called and asked me what I was doing. I hope we never lose that, our connection, whatever this becomes. Regardless, I’ll always have the sky to remind me of you.

[poetry-by-cri]

I hate when people say that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Because it’s not true. Loving him made me want to love myself. Loving him made life more than just bearable, it made it exciting. Loving him made me confident, beyond what I thought possible.

And it wasn’t ‘him’, he didn’t hand me these things, my ability to love him showed me that I could, in fact, love to begin with. Falling for him made me fall for myself. Loving him made me proud of who I was. I was a girl so broken yet strong enough to rip my soul apart for someone else and isn’t that just beautiful? how could I not fall for myself?

-cri

[poetry-by-cri]

But when this ends, and your bed is no longer where I rest my head and your arms are not the ones that hold me, will you miss me?