[poisonouscrown]

a side account for hellenism and tarot.

01/19/2006 ☆ follower of hekate and apollo.

minors dni in dms , you will be blocked.

discourse of any kind dni. ableists dni. demonization of mental disabilities will not be tolerated. this acocunt is cluster a, b, and c safe.

[crownedhades]

Anyway, Apollo also advised me to take a break and let things settle so I don't have a burn out. Socializing is extremely difficult for me to begin with, so I need to be easy on myself so I don't accidentally fuck up my chances.

I will be socially isolating myself more (which, I have communicated with close friends so they are aware of my behavior and they have been patient and supportive) so that I can mentally and emotionally recover.

I need some time to internalize and self reflect on things. Big Things are happening and I don't want to keel over right at the start lmfao

I've done what I've needed to do. And anything else that I will need to focus on I quite literally cannot do for another couple of months (as gathering resources Takes Time)

[crownedhades]

I also picked up journaling two weeks ago.

When I was younger I used to keep track of my symptoms like crazy (since I have awful memory and don't remember more than half of it), but I eventually dropped it since I hit a point where it felt useless.

But now I'm writing again,, this time in a more diary format rather than giving an informative report lmao. So lets see how this works out for me.

[poisonouscrown]

It's mostly in the diary format of me praying to the Gods Hekate and Apollo, but it counts for something :)

Two things tackled at once ykwim. So I don't overwhelm myself

[crownedhades]

I also touched grass yesterday like Apollo has numerously advised me to do over tarot.

I walked in the park for roughly 4-5 hours, ate dinner at the sushi place, and bathed in the sunlight.

There weren't any clouds sadly, or I would have taken pictures of them, but at least I listened to my God for once lmfao and actually absorbed vitamin D.

[androphonos-theoi]

Hymn to Apollo

Here I pray to bright, shining Apollo, lord of The silver bow, master of healing and the plagues. Lord Apollo! Son of a Titaness and Zeus - Great is your reach, across Olympus and Gaea I sing to you, Lord Apollo, may you bless me.

[poisonouscrown]

sometimes i feel so uncertain and out of place with things.

there is a lot of doubt in my heart, unfortunately. and i am not sure how to conduct myself around apollo.

with hekate, it came easy. she's been helping me in the background and comforts me when i reach out to her. she doesn't overwhelm me and our relationship feels natural. and because of that, i have no issue worshipping and following hekate.

but it feels different with apollo. i understand that its a given considering that theyre entirely different gods, but im not exactly sure how to process my relationship with apollo.

hekate is calm and subtle. soothing in a way that makes you feel like shes holding your hand.

apollo is up-front and in my face. when he's around it's like his presence demands attention in ways that overwhelms me. i always end up feeling like im tripping over myself every time i interact with him.

i suppose it will have to take time for me to become adjusted and used to him. i do want to build a connection with him since he's gone out of his way to reach out to me, but i do hope he is understanding and patient with me.

i also have schizoid personality disorder, which makes it very difficult for me to trust and welcome people into my life. i suppose this now includes the gods too, now, haha,,

i do want to work with him and learn to trust him. i just hope that hes not disappointed with how his attempts to be closer in my life is being met with avoidance and distrust. i dont mean to. its just how my brain works, and i need to overcome it.

[feather-flock]

Divination with the gods is beautiful. For you to take the time to answer me, so small and insignificant in your shadow. For you to gaze upon me so lovingly that I am worth a response. Oh to divine with the divine .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

[praise-to-phoibos]

May Apollo, bearer of the silver bow, strikes all the generative AI data centers with his arrows.

[poisonouscrown]

i think hekate is the reason why apollo reached out to me.

hekate is not a goddess of healing, despite her desire to help other people. what i asked of her was to help guide me on my path to heal from the constant 20 years of trauma that i have endured.

apollo wouldnt have reached out without hekates approval, im sure. apollo is a god of healing, and he seems incredibly enthusiastic and in my face about it.

this is the conclusion i have reached, since before apollo reached out, i wasnt particularly interested in worshipping any god other than hekate. but now i feel like i owe it to him (positive tone).

[crownedhades]

not apollo telling me to Touch Grass More (go outside) in tarot

[poisonouscrown]

tarot ive pulled the past while

dont question the cards. ive been in Situations lately

cw: my carpet and artistic nudity

[poisonouscrown]

anyways last night was a train wreck

i dont think ive cried so intensely in years

that entire conversation i had with my grandmother and brother was digging up so much buried trauma

uprooting all of it in a single discussion. crazy

but its also those moments where i feel hekate's presence the most. like a quiet, gentle hug.

apollo is very good at brightening my mood and providing hope and encouragement, but it is truly only hekate who can comfort my soul when i feel the most lost and uncertain.

[like-ribbons-in-your-hair]

the way im genuinely better off as a concept than a real person

[poisonouscrown]

look at my necklaces that i now wear daily 🤧 lmk if you want the link to the etsy shop where i got them from

[poisonouscrown]

quite honestly one of my unrealistic dreams in the classical "what would you do if you were suddenly given a gazillion dollars" question is. i would use it to build greek temples sorry i am not ashamed to admit what i Need in my Soul

[crownedhades]

i feel as though there is truly no purpose for my existence.

whenever i think about finding a drive, motivation, or purpose, i always end up circling back to feeling as though that no matter what i do,

id be stealing time. robbing the world of space. projecting an existence that doesnt matter, because if i have these thoughts and abilities, then someone else undoubtedly does as well, as any trait i have is not actually my own but a replica of someone else.

like imposter syndrome, but at twisted angle.

[poisonouscrown]

i do not feel this way right now, luckily.

i feel like i can finally feel hope ever since i began worshipping hekate and now apollo.

they carry the light guiding me on my path.

for now, i just need to work on realizing possibilities while securing that future.

[poisonouscrown]

partner in crime by elio mei.