When Your Own “Family” Ruins You.
(Just a heads up, I posted this earlier, but I felt I could add more to it, so I took it down and added more. Here’s the updated version).
Why does sleeping have to be so hard for me?
After trying and failing to fall asleep for three hours straight, Lena had completely given up and settled for staring at the ceiling instead. Despite being exhausted, every little house noise, from the sound of the air conditioning unit starting up to the creaking noises the house made as it settled made her jump, making sleeping an impossible feat. Lena knew there wasn’t anything to be nervous about and that she was safe now, but no matter what she did, her mind wouldn’t allow her to relax. She couldn’t even remember the last time she was entirely calm. She couldn’t even really remember what that had felt like. She hated her brain for that. She hated her aunt for making her brain that way. And then the thought hit her.
What if Aunt Magica’s here?
It came out of nowhere. It just materialized in her head, the way those Tolpas spawned around her. Lena tried to push the thought out of her head, but the more she fought to quiet it, the louder it got. It amplified all of the little house noises that already had Lena on edge. She quietly crept out her bed to make sure her aunt wasn’t in the house. She tentatively stepped out of her room and into the dark hallway, careful not to make too much noise. She checked in all the closets, the pantry, behind the couch and even inside the kitchen cabinets. Once Lena was certain Magica wasn’t in the house, she returned to her room, but not before she checked to make sure all the doors and windows were locked first.
See? Everything’s fine. You’re safe.
Lena tried to force herself to believe that, but she couldn’t and she didn’t know why. She couldn’t help but worry that her search wasn’t thorough enough. She fought the urge to check again as she crawled back into her bed. It felt as if Magica could be anywhere in the house, waiting to put an end to her or banish her back into the infinite darkness of the Shadow Realm, just as she had done during her attack on DuckBurg. She could just feel her aunt’s eyes watching her every move. The thoughts that were perpetuating her sense of impending doom were just as loud as ever. She had to check again, so she climbed out her bed for a second time and did yet another sweep of the house. Nothing. Magica still wasn’t there. Lena returned to her room, but she didn’t feel any better despite having searched her home twice now. The thoughts had increased their volume yet again and Lena was powerless to stop it. She was entirely helpless. Just when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, a new thought got caught up in the hurricane of paranoia that her brain had pulled her into.
She had ruined her. Lena could’ve been something different. She could’ve been calm and confident and hopeful, but she was none of those things. Magica completely destroyed Lena’s self-esteem, decimated any hope Lena had, and wreaked havoc on Lena’s sense of safety. She was scared, insecure and apathetic. Lena could’ve been sleeping right now, but instead she was awake and terrified that her estranged aunt was here, watching her. She could’ve been a “normal” kid, but instead she had been ruined before she even had a chance and that humiliated her. Then another thought came.
I bet she’s proud of herself.
The hurt, the sorrow and the absolute betrayal was too much to handle. How could someone who was supposed to protect and care for her hurt her so badly? What had she ever done to deserve all of the horrible insults, the threats and the screaming? Was she really that unlovable? Tears began streaming down her face. Lena tried to stop them at first, but she soon realized her attempts were futile and so she gave into them, letting all of this anguish she’d been bottling up for so long escape… at least for now. The pain was like a boomerang. She could toss it now and she’d be free of it for some time, but it would always return to her somehow. It wouldn’t stay gone. It was a part of her and it always would be even if she healed. She pulled the blankets over her head as a combination of despair, fury and terror gripped her soul. If Magica was here, she wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Never again. She may have been this frightened, broken little duckling but, she would be damned if that vile sorceress knew that she was the cause. Lena desperately wished her parents or Violet were awake right now. She wished Webby was here right now. All she wanted was for them to be here to make her feel even just a little better. Lena contemplated calling Webby or waking up her parents or going to get Violet, but she really didn’t want to burden them. Maybe someday she would gather the courage to directly ask for their comfort, but that day wasn’t today, so she opted to simply cry herself to sleep instead.
This story is based pretty heavily on my own experiences with hyper vigilance and betrayal by a family member. I threw it together at three in the morning last night because ironically, I couldn’t sleep.
baratheonpilled
jbbartram-illu
izzy806
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