no one reads these so I’ll just ramble on about my diagnosis’s to self reflect. First there’s my MDD and anxiety disorder. Years later get diagnosed with BPD, and a year after that I got b type personality disorder. The chronic suicidal ideation isn’t as prominent anymore, so that’s good. I can thank my therapist for that. I’m thankful for her. Truly. I feel like a mess. My family treats me differently. I don’t have much freedom anymore as a 27 year old. But for a good reason, for my safety from the shit I’ve pulled before. Still sucks. I can’t lock my door anymore, but I don’t mind anymore. Anything that sounds remotely concerning a family member will freak out. I can’t look after myself because of my mental illness’s, so I feel like a burden towards my parents. My dad made birthdays traumatic for me now. I hate how young I look. How I act doesn’t give off adult vibes, it gives off 15-16 year olds. It’s so humiliating when people learn this, their reaction just screams “you act immature for your age”. When I worked with my mom for a month and I turned 27 her coworkers asked her if I was lying. They genuinely didn’t believe me. Half of the warehouse didn’t believe me. I’m thankful that I’ve got a youthful appearance, but it’s also a double edged sword. Two separate events the guys I met up for sex asked me if I was underage. “I don’t want to catch a case”
do you see what I mean now? Idk. Just needed to let this out somewhere. I don’t have anyone else to talk about this. I know ones who said they’d be there if I wanted to express anything, but they are too busy. They have their own lives. They can’t just drop anything to help me. I hate asking for help. I hate feeling seen as a time bomb. I hate that my sister thinks that I have the capacity to kill her one day. My family is afraid of/for me. My parents don’t know the extent of my anger, but that’s a good thing. I don’t need that added to the mix.
There is a slight hope of starting over. With everything going on in the country we are considering moving to Mexico. It doesn’t seem worth it to stay here. I wouldn’t mind moving. I love my family there. I love the town. But not a lot of options when it comes to careers and school. Idk. I don’t want to lose the mountains, the feeling of having beautiful canyons just minutes away. I want to see more monuments and museums this state and country has to offer. I’ll figure it out, it’ll be okay.
jacobvanloon
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amandla
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