Things Not to Say to Polyamorous People and Why
“That’s just getting permission to cheat.” The explanation here is easy, its not cheating if you have permission and comparing a person in happy healthy relationship to a cheating scumbag is cruel.
“That’s so greedy.” Greed implies that someone is hoarding something, however you’ll notice, in polyamory people are allowed to date others. All comments of the greedy variety, even as jokes, come off as mean spirited and insulting.
“You’re such a slut.” Even as a joke or a compliment, using slut shaming language about the way that someone experiences their own romantic and sexual attraction is mean. Even if you’re using it to be friendly, nobody else ever is, and the majority of people will not enjoy being called a slut.
“Why isn’t one good enough?” Polyamorous people do not feel devalued by having their partners take on more partners. We do not feel as through we are being treated as not good enough. That’s not what its about. And if you’re not dating us, why should we explain our romantic experience to you?
“Don’t get used to it, you can’t marry both.” Mean. This is mean. You’re not being brutally honest or preparing them for the future. You’re being mean.
“I’d never date a guy with two girlfriends.” Any variety of the “well I would never do that” isn’t kind. First, if you’re monogamous, they know already. Second, they don’t want your opinion on their relationship.
“Do they know about each other?” If someone says they have two partners, this cannot be your first response. You are assuming right off the bat that they are cheating, a terrible thing to do. Assume their partners know. If they were cheating, they probably wouldn’t tell you.
“I’ve cheated before too, I get it.” Your experience in monogamous relationships is more similar to polyamory than cheating is. Don’t compare cheating to polyamory, ever.
“Well as long as they know about each other that’s okay.” First, they’re not looking for your approval or for you to tell them it’s okay. Second, this is another example of treating polyamory like its similar to cheating. Assuming that cheating is the baseline and polyamory is just “okay cheating” is both incorrect and mean.
