Poly~ENM~Swinging

Forty-something, married straight girl enjoying the swinger scene while in a polyamorous relationship. I'm 1 part quirky, 2 parts nerdy, and 10 parts overthinker. I love my husband, my boyfriend, and my husband's girlfriend. This is my blog about my adventures in non-monogamy.

[polypalooza]

Vacations

Our poly quad is taking our yearly big vacations separately for the first time in our 6.5 year relationship. I’m told that that’s healthy to do. Pffffft. Whatever.

A and R (I switched from the kitschy Friends themed names to initials; I’m married to D, my boyfriend is R, who is married to A, who is my husband’s GF) are leaving tomorrow morning with their adult kids and son in law for Ireland. They’ll be gone a week. I’m super excited for them; they’ve really been looking forward to this. I try not to be clingy, but fuck, it’s going to be hard. Communication will be tough, as they’ll be 6 hours ahead of us and busy with their family. I’m trying to think of things to do to keep me and my mind busy this week. We have some dinners with friends, so that helps…I guess?

D and I are headed to Thailand for 2 weeks in November with some of our friends from the gay bar. I’m looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time. I’ve never been apart from R for a week, let alone 2. And we’ll be 12 hours ahead, completely flip flopped days and nights. Of course I want to go to Thailand, but I don’t think I’d cry if it were canceled for some reason.

Sigh. So this is new ground we’re breaking, being apart 7 days and on different continents. There’s other ground I’d rather be breaking, tbh. Ah well, absence makes the heart grow fonder, I’m also told.

[polypalooza]

This Is Us

I get so tired of hiding who I love. Every day, I want to just scream it from the rooftops and love who I love, out loud. I want to post pics of my BF and me like it’s common knowledge and no big deal. Our polycule’s 6 year anniversary is coming up, and I want to show off cutesy pics of the 4 of us and tell our story.

I want to not give a shit about what people think, the judgement we would inevitably get, or the friends I’d probably lose (but were they real friends anyway if they don’t love me for who I am?).

While not out to most friends and family, we don’t hide it in the general public. I always hope that someone runs into us somewhere and the cat is out of the bag. I want to say, “yep, THIS IS US, we’re all happier than a fat kid with cake, and we’re no different than yesterday when you didn’t know we were romantically involved.” It seems so unnatural and weird to love someone so much but just “be friends” in so many settings and to so many people.

[polypalooza]

Love this guy.

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If I have to be on social lockdown, there’s no one I’d rather be quarantined with than him. And her. And him.

Love my polycule.

[polyintheburbs]

Date night recap

Of course I made too much of a deal about the date night. Too much anxiety. 

It was a wonderful evening. And followed pretty much the usual script: start at the bar, move to the lounge, sit far apart, sit closer, subtle touching of the shoulder/arm/leg, kiss on the cheek, blow job in the parking lot…

KIDDING! 

There was no blow job. We had a wonderful conversation and snuggled on a couch. We did get beyond the innuendo and agree that there is a sexual attraction there. So that was good. I dig her.

But…

I worry that she’s going to get too attached. They jumped into the lifestyle by getting into a six-year relationship with another couple, which evidently ended poorly because of attachments and jealousy. We are definitely not looking for anything serious. I think I have made that clear to her. I know that my spouse has made that clear to her spouse.

Speaking of the spouses: they had their date night last night. While it was going on, I was completely cool with it. Now I knew there was no hall pass, so maybe that was a part of my ease, but I never even wondered to what level of touching or kissing they got to. And I didn’t ask when she got home. As long as she is happy, I am happy. 

And she is happy. She likes him. 

I think that the four of us are going to hang together soon. Maybe as soon as tonight. 

[polypalooza]

Yep. You might say she got really attached. Sorry not sorry.

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What's polyamoufous

You mean polyamorous? It’s means loving more than 1 person romantically.

[polyamorouscultureis]

"Hey... I say this because I'm your friend and I care about you... I saw your wife with another man yesterday."

"Oh, yeah, that was probably her boyfriend."

[polypalooza]

Love this. Chandler would so say something like that.

That’s a downside of not being open- being seen by someone we know while out with our non-spouse and assumptions being made that we’re cheating. I refuse to let that get in the way of just being ourselves when we’re out together, though.

I know our neighbors have to wonder what the hell is going on. I’m sure they’ve seen me kiss Ross goodbye, and they know Chandler is my husband. I’d hate for them to think I was having an affair, but I can’t exactly yell over the fence, “Hey Viktor! Come over and meet by boyfriend!” Well, I guess I could.....

[polypalooza]

Chandler (hubby) and Ross (boyfriend, although I hate using that word for him, ) hung out tonight while Rachel wasn’t feeling well and I was out of town for work. That’s nothing really new, but I love when they have bro time together. Hubby texted me, “thanks for loaning me your boyfriend tonight.” I really do love my life and my people.

[polypalooza]

You know you have something pretty damn great when you’re wrapped up in your boyfriend’s arms in your bed on a Sunday morning and your husband walks in (coming home from his sleepover with Rachel) and says “oh, hey, guys, just getting my work clothes, I’ll be outta here in 30 seconds.” I love my love and I love my polycule.

(As a side note, Ross and I were like, “it’s not what it looks like!” and then laughed hysterically because it’s exactly what it looks like.)

[polyculediaries]

Intentionally family

It’s the holidays. Thoughts turn to family, etc. I have to admit, this is an interesting year for me. My parents are both gone, and with the exception of one cousin, I’m pretty estranged from my family. My husband’s family hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve maintained a relationship. Different points of view, different ways of approaching my son’s autism and my daughter’s outspoken nature haven’t made it easy. With my husband’s parents’ advancing age, we’ve been spending more time with his side of the family. Including yesterday’s Thanksgiving. Each time, I saw him spend a full day mentally gearing up for the visit....and hours in exhausted silence decompressing after. It’s worthy of note that his brother and brother in law said not a word to him during the entire meal, not even a hello. And his brother in-law shuttled our niece out so quickly after dinner was done none of us could speak to her. When we got home, both adult kids and my husband went into separate rooms for several hours to decompress. And I found myself wondering if it was all worth it.

As we were sitting at our Thanksgiving dinner, my kids’ conversation turned briefly to Christmas. In hushed and paused conversation, they asked if their “other family” could be included in some of our celebrations this year. We’ve been out to our kids almost since the beginning, and since moving within a mile-ish of each other last year, our kids have gotten close. When we got back last night, I couldn’t wait to see them-my real family. The family that I get to choose everyday. We talked about that last night. My girlfriend asking me how I felt on days like Thanksgiving without my big family. I used to miss it. I did. But knowing that I can have a family of love rather than a family that leaves you exhausted doesn’t make me miss it anymore.

[polypalooza]

It took me a long time to understand that, just because people share your genetic material, it doesn’t mean you have to spend time with them or even like them. It’s not like you got to choose your biological family. If you weren’t related, would they be people you’d hang out with or talk to? If the answer is NO, then you should have no obligation to do so just because you’re related.

Family can be chosen, and chosen families are often better than those of the biological variety. You see and spend time with them because you want to, not because a holiday (or a guilt trip) obligates you to be with them.

[polypalooza]

This is a post from a poly FB group I’m in (reposted with permission). How magnificent is that?! Why can’t everyone be this accepting?

[polypalooza]

Hierarchies

We practice hierarchal polyamory; we each have 20+ years with our spouses, kids, finances, homes, etc., so it’s only natural that our relationships are hierarchal.

I love both Chandler and Ross like crazy (Rachel, too, of course) and they’re both so important to me. I don’t like having to rank them as husband vs boyfriend. Husband gets these privileges, boyfriend only gets these. On the flip side, I’m sometimes envious of Rachel, wishing I could have some of the wife privileges she gets.

The glass ceiling that our type of polyamory brings is the one downside for me. There’s only so far we can go. It’s so ingrained in me that you meet someone, fall in love, and follow a certain progression in the relationship. That happens to an extent in poly, but then there’s a hard stop where there’s no further you can really go. Speaking for myself, my feelings don’t hit the hard stop, though, so it’s tough. You want more, but there is no more.

If that’s my biggest complaint, then I’m pretty lucky, though. I take what I can get, and, overall, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I wouldn’t trade this for the world.

[polypalooza]

Catching up

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post. I have so many drafts, but I never seem to get them perfected enough to post.

A brief run down of the last couple of months:

Our little polycule is as happy and healthy as ever. 2 of the kids are back at college, 1 got her own apartment, and 1 finished his degree and is hopefully finding his own place in the next year. This opens up Ross’ and Rachel’s house to sleep overs. It’s kind of a big deal; Chandler and I have “a drawer,” so to speak. Our kid is comfortable with our relationship but not as uncomfortable knowing we’re having guests, so we wait till he works late at his second job every other weekend then we house swap.

Our latest rehab is a multi unit Airbnb and is almost finished. It’ll double as our 2nd home (when not rented out, anyway). 1 unit will be Ross’ and mine, the other will be Chandler’s and Rachel’s. I’m pretty fucking excited about that. It’s as close as we each will get to having “our own place.”

Next week, we all head to Riviera Maya for 7 fanfuckingtastic nights in an all inclusive paradise. We’ll split the sleeping arrangements 3-3 with 1 night TBD. Maybe that’ll be a night of all 4?

The E word (exclusivity) has been floated by in a couple of conversations, but that’s a whole post on its own (in my drafts folder).

We were almost interviewed by CBS for a polyamory documentary, but production decided not to come to our city. That would have been interesting to do. We’d love to see more positive media coverage on non monogamy instead of most of the salacious, sister-wife bullshit that’s usually the spin on these shows.

My heart is so full and happy with these 3 amazing humans. I’m fully aware of how fucking lucky I am and don’t take a minute of this life for granted.

[polypalooza]

Yay for Polyamory

Reason #zillion that polyamory is pretty fucking awesome: Ross plays softball. Rachel hates going to softball games. I fucking love it. Plus it’s kinda fun to show up and let Ross’ coworkers wonder who the hell I am.

[polypalooza]

Agh, this makes me so excited!! My very own place to keep my stuff in my loves’ bathroom/bedroom. They even filled one with a starter kit 😊. I love them so much. ❤️❤️

[polypalooza]

The only thing I’d change about us is that I’d meet you sooner so I could love you longer.

[polyintheburbs]

Willow Smith Says People Fear Polyamory Because Monogamy Has Made Us Insecure

My last relationship was fueled by jealousy and blind rage; checking each other's phones and fighting about our findings, angry at social me

She gets it.