Journal #18
I know it’s been awhile bt I’ve been focusing on myself, school and work. I’m working at Red Robin now I love it where I’m working the people are great ! Me and “him” are done for good, still stacking up bread to move out so we still live together rn so it’s still kinda hard but May 25th is the Last day that I’ll see him cause he’ll be on the road and by the time he comes back I’ll already be out of the house and into my new place.. he’s not going to know where I live. He still wants to be friends bt I told him that it’s hard for me to stay friends with him bc I’m in love with him bt I want him apart of my life still so I’m conflicted bc I know it’ll be better for me to love him from a distance, cause if I was to see him moving on with so many other girls than my heart would never heal. I just don’t understand how he can not love me in that way anymore after years if it’s just a couple months yea it’ll be easier but we have been through everything together. He’s seen me in the hospital I’ve seen him in the hospital, we’ve taken care of each other. He’s seen me and my most depressed episodes and I’ve seen him there and we’ve helped each other overcome them.. he’s helped me get away from my family’s abuse and I’ve helped him with his family’s neglecting. I’ve been his number one supporter with his music and future career he’s been my number one supporter with my schooling for counseling. Whenever he was low on money I paid for what needed to be taken care of and he would do same for me. We argued a lot bc he experienced partying later on in his life and he ended up partying and dancing with other girls so it hurt me.. but I explained to him that he can’t dance and flirt with other girls when you have a girl, you can go to parties with girls around go ahead just don’t go flirting and dancing with em that’s all. Then him and social media is a whole other thing. He goes and likes, comments and saves other girls pictures, videos and stories but he doesn’t do any of that on my account so I addressed it and he said it’s just social media and I explained to him that he is making me look stupid bc nowadays that’s how you get in relationships, it’s through social media I mean we got together off of social media so no it’s not “just social media” it’s cheating. All of his friends are single and living that life and he envy’s them but I don’t get it bc I let him go out ALL the time, I only say to check in with me if he’s going to be out past midnight, I don’t bother him when he’s out, I let him go with boys any time he wants, I don’t stop him from that or from hopping on the game, I let him have friends that girls as long as it’s platonic, I let him be free because I got tired of arguing about those subjects so I let him be, I take care of his family, I take care of his house, I provide him money when he’s broke to go out. I take care of his room, make sure it’s clean, make sure he has food, make sure his laundry is done. He fed marriage and a family into me and my head and now he doesn’t want any of that bc I’m still “too much” for him. So he didn’t want to stop anything involving other girls so I told him that we were done for good as much as it hurts. I’ve done everything for him, I dropped my own life to take care of him and make sure he was always good. I’m still in school and I’m working, I’m stacking up and I’m moving out because he doesn’t love me anymore and I don’t know what I did to make him not love me anymore he says it’s not me, he says it’s him, he thinks he doesn’t deserve me so he always keeps doing stuff that will push me away and this time after 8 years I’ve finally given up.. it just hurts so for now I’m done with relationships in general. If in the future and I mean far future I decide to love again.. I really hope that I can find someone who will stay and not stop loving me out of nowhere because I never wanna go through this again. 💯