25
This was a strange, strange year. In my 24th year of life, I would say I spent a lot of time alone. I purposely wanted to because I often have trouble sitting alone with my thoughts, anxious to waste any minute being still, mostly afraid to relive memories that are just that, memories and sometimes, no matter how hard I try not to have them, regrets. But I made it a point to spend time alone this year and I did, whether it was being lost for miles in Geneva training for a half marathon I barely finished or sitting alone in different small drive-through towns in America fascinated at how much I love this country to my core with no real explanation sometimes. I tried to be alone more often because I wanted to make sure, that without all the hustle and bustle of goals and appointments and validation from others, that at the end of the day, I am proud of myself and more importantly, I know who that person. This is something that isn’t resolved in any year of life, and despite a year of being not fully satisfied, and truthfully often disappointed, with my personal or professional growth, I am really proud of myself for being more aware I needed to dedicate more time to myself when I could, and plan on doing that more in the year ahead.
But where I might’ve felt lacking in self confidence and direction this year, I was also so fulfilled because of people, from the incredible peers I’m empowered by every day at Penn Law to the humans I love in the Bay and New York and Denver and Omaha and Chicago and London, I could never in a thousand years be lonely, no matter how alone I sometimes try to be. And for that I am grateful, because the older we get, the more I realize what a unique privilege it is to be so fulfilled by my relationships, so inspired, honestly so TAKEN care of by my friends even though I should really have my shit together at this point, and just so fascinated and inspired seeing all of the people I love grow in front of my eyes and what an honor it is to grow with them. It all takes my breath away when I think about it and I feel the luckiness so deep within me I could explode.
I have REALLY good friends and even when I’m not proud of myself, I’m ALWAYS proud of the people around me and literally in awe of them. I must be doing something right I really think if so many crazy amazing people love me enough to be my friend and be kind to me and care for me. That’s why birthdays are weird because I ALREADY feel undeserving of all the love I get from most people every day. I feel a little insecure that if I care so little about my bday I’ll miss an opportunity to really celebrate with people I love and love me, but once again I feel like this happens every single day so I’m just really grateful. I think 25 will be a lot of things. It will be about making myself proud, about not doubting myself or my direction, and continuing to make those who love me really proud too. I’ll give this some more thought later, but I’m content and trying my hardest to be alive and really live 25 this year. I know I will <3
