I used to blog quite a lot when I was younger. Sharing things, not getting the response I wanted, or not getting enough, not enough attention, lack of meaningful communication. All of it led to me deleting everything, then regretting it. Deleting my blogs, losing contact with people. Being upset about it.
Years later I if I stumble upon my words in diaries or some notes I feel surprised because I donât remember me writing these words, but I recall the feeling. It reminds me of the âIâ that I used to have back then. I donât remember most people I was in touch with, most feelings of the past became empty and I donât feel it. Sometimes it strikes me how meaningless everything is, should I have bothered at all? Friendships/relationships ended - should I have bothered spending my time on someone? When you think that everything ends it doesnât make sense to make an effort, to spend your time on anything. When you think that feelings that once were so real and hurting you so much now is nothing you start thinking about your present feelings as âone day it wonât matter anymore, so it doesnât really matter now tooâ.
I was thinking that expressing yourself or seeking approval is feeding the ego. And itâs pointless, attention is nothing. Like all those people giving a TED talk and itâs so important to them, but to look at it with cynical eyes - on a great scheme of things it all doesnât matter, there is no real value in it. Itâs sad how important it is to the talker and how no one really cares, and itâs also funny.
I tried to follow âget rid of the egoâ philosophy and I got really extreme with it, never expressed an opinion because âdoesnât matterâ, never shared my feelings - they will pass, so doesnât matter, etc. But then I realised that my reasons were wrong. I didnât express myself not because it was pointless but because my ego was hurt that I didnât get what I wanted.
Finally I realised that you shouldnât ever forbid yourself self expression out of the thought of its meaningless. When you are expressing yourself, when you talk to people (even though you forget the conversations you had, even though sometimes you stop being in touch with those people, or even though ânobody caresâ and âI donât careâ and âitâs all pointlessâ), at the moment you feel connected and itâs important. Feeling connection with other human beings, not putting walls between yourself and others, saying your own truth is staying connected with the world, with the energy, with life.
You can express yourself without getting fanatic about anything. You can say your truth without expecting other people to join in. Sometimes itâs pointless to say your truth to a person who doesnât get it and itâs a waste of time. But not saying your truth and not expressing yourself is leading to isolation, there is no energy in it.
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