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@pondscummy
every day lately i think about deleting my tumblr
Gonna go slam my head against the cement do you guys want anything
it's all fun and games until i want to move out so so so so so bad :(
this isn't angry so much as just I'm just like telling you things. my roommates threw out or misplaced my actual functional can opener and only had a hella broken one so I bought a nice one and I hid it in my office and now when I'm opening cans of food I have to go to into my office and do it in there. also one of them spent like $300 on a giant dog bed that they sleep in and it's not even a kink thing. and there's the girl I thought was pooping in the shower and such. I just. what's going on here ever
I mean this so real so sincere I am too much of a normie to be living w these people and I think I like that about myself actually
this isn't angry so much as just I'm just like telling you things. my roommates threw out or misplaced my actual functional can opener and only had a hella broken one so I bought a nice one and I hid it in my office and now when I'm opening cans of food I have to go to into my office and do it in there. also one of them spent like $300 on a giant dog bed that they sleep in and it's not even a kink thing. and there's the girl I thought was pooping in the shower and such. I just. what's going on here ever
imploding my roommate situation again ✌️
I have a shit fucking migraine and I pushed myself through to go make dinner anyway and first someone put the parchment paper in upside down so it all fell on the nasty fucking floor the second I tried to get one out. then I discovered partway through prepping food that someone used all of the olive oil that I bought and left me with none. then I found out we've apparently thrown away my actually function can opener and left only a nasty food caked one that skips and doesn't work. and the smoke started filling the kitchen bc some fucking cunt decided it would be cute to leave donuts in a cardboard box in the oven despite me asking repeatedly that we not leave things, particularly fucking flammable things, in the fucking oven. so anyway I put the donuts in the sink and ran soap and water over the box enjoy your shit
imploding my roommate situation again ✌️
nothing is happening I'm just thinking again about how unpleasant my roommates L and A's relationship seems lol. I keep coming back to like L has to go straight to say hello to A when they get home and then lock themselves up in their room to sit and stare at their phones together and if L talks A ignores them but L literally thinks A is like perfect
the "also sick" comment isn't like "btw I'm SICK, how dare you not know" it's me saying I'm sick like how 2/3 of my roommates are
but like I'm so;;;; it feels so rich that L is like wtf do you want from me about me not replying for 45 minutes when I had to beg his gf over hours and hours of texts every so often to not force me to sit in unwiped shit after my surgery bc she had openly told me she just didn't rly feel like setting up the attachable bidet after telling me for weeks she would, and I never ever got a reply from her or L ever acknowledging that they were wide awake hanging out and laughing while I was like stuck in bed barely able to move begging for follow through on a commitment they made in advance and i eventually had to spend over $100 to hire someone to come out the next day and do it for me and I had to hold my shit for hours lmfao
like L is sooooo great at couching things in flawless tumblr wellness speak but only to talk about how valid they are for not showing up for you and how fucked up it is that you MIGHT ever have a moment where you can't be 100% there w them. like idk what to tell you I've been laying in bed with a sore throat and cough and fever passing out and waking up to roll over in buckets of sweat like the rest of the house. I do genuinely get being annoyed by a lack of response but it's also right back to this whole thing about Always assuming I'm mad at them which is legit one of the only things that actually makes me mad fjdkddhk like bro I do not THINK about you when you're not acting like I'm a bomb about to blow (also, as an aside -- we all take turns buying TP and it's usually me who does it like it's not out of pocket for me to say hey you are the One person who is out of the house already rn, can you get this on your way bc None of the bathrooms have back up rolls and one is totally out and I had to text our sickest roommate telling her to use the bidet and drip dry like.... "am I the first person you asked" yes bc you are the person who makes the most sense dumbfuck. I'm not being "overly needy" toward you or whatever jfc)
they literally told me at one point that the reason they're so scared of me is that my face is "triggering" for them when I'm angry or not feeling good and puts them "back in a really bad place" they have seen my face angry literally 3 times and each time it was on my way back to my room to decompress and each time I said nothing to them other than that I was in a bad mood and I was going to go to my room. I didn't yell either I just said it normal. like I genuinely feel gaslit here like I'm this horrifying monster of a man when it's like dude sometimes people are mad I don't know what YOU want from ME!! I do all my venting here where they can't ever see it even tho we've blocked each other, I censor their name like anyone even knows who they are, I isolate to chill out and it's literally been less than a handful of times like should I fling myself from the roof??????? would that fix it???
I literally know it's bc I'm a man too. none of this was like this until my facial hair came in more and it got crazy worse after I got top surgery and they're so so vocal about how much they despise men and think men should all fuck off and die and there's only a handful of acceptable men that they've personally vetted. despite them pretty clearly having a trans woman fetish bc they only date or look at porn of trans women and they do the whole step on me mommy thing about it even tho their gf has complained like. lmfao you're just a baby te//rf even tho you ID as trans masc yourself. like that's all this even is. I'm a big (5'3") scary (spent the whole weekend w my coworkers asking if I was 12) man who's obviously going to snap and kill you all bc sometimes I *checks writing on hand* get frustrated and go lay down about it
this being the constant state of the kitchen (ft. food residue caked onto a "clean" dish is rly doing a number on my psyche
bruh who shit in the shower I hate it hereeeeeeeeeeeeeee I hate it
okay less venting and more soliciting actual feedback here about whether my opinions are too wild for me being a lef//tist, which is not something I ever want to do in a setting where randos are basically guaranteed to see it lmfao
I was telling my friend about a new crush I have on a different work guy than the first and I was trying to guess his age by the fact that I know he was dep//loyed into active milit//ary duty at some point after starting at our company, which makes him likely to have been within about ages 24-30 when it happened, bc the mili//tary owns you for 8 years after you enlist and can call you back whenever it wants. it's also very common that they pull from either the nat//ional guard or the voluntary res//erves, as opposed to like the standard branches who aren't currently serving.
anyway my friend told me that to them being in the mili//tary is just as bad as everything going on with my other coworker (who I could Never date fr bc his poli//tical opinions are so different from my own) and I was like really????????? bc like idk Yeah if he's in the voluntary re//serves that's bad to me bc it means he did his time and then was like yep I believe in this enough to keep doing it whenever you want me to past the time you own me even. I'd get major ick from that. but *i* almost enlis//ted in the nat//ional guard 😭 I was like 19 and stupid and had been raised by more con//serva//tive leaning parents and I just sort of saw it as a way to pay for school without really having to do anything too bad. I would've been very wrong bc they sent that branch to fight in afg//hani//stan and also used them in the por//tland prot//ests. but that was my thinking. and by the time I'd actually enl//isted if I'd done so I would've been 20 and they would have been able to call me back until last year, when my feelings were Very different than they'd been when I was barely not a teenager anymore
so idk in my mind, being or having been mi//litary is not an all a strike against someone who's had several years to change, it just makes me look a little closer to see if they have or if they are for a bunch of shit I'm against. but is that like super wild that I feel that neutral like is that something I should be re-examining???? idk
so me and roommate L talked on Sunday and I finally like aired some of my grievances and was like hey you really hurt me w how you treated me during my recovery and I realized I actually really don't feel like I can safely communicate with you and I haven't felt like I could for a very long time. and they did apologize and we decided to just be polite roommates and not friends at all and that's a big relief honestly bc now I'm not carrying around this tension the way I was before bc I know there's not expectation from either side but like. it's also freed me up mentally where I'm not thinking about all the immediate stuff anymore and instead I'm like remembering various random things that pissed me off but weren't big enough to focus on before lmao
the one I'm stuck on rn is how insistent they are that I'm on the spectrum. idk they do a lot of explaining myself to me that makes me like. bro shut Up you don't know what my lived experience is like lol you have no concept of anything. which. for context I have a dx and I thought I was on the spectrum for years and years but weirdly enough going to therapy and working through my ptsd made a lot of those symptoms just.... start vanishing. and one of my friends had been undiagnosed for the same reason so it got me thinking about it and talking to my therapist at the time and like. ptsd can present rly similarly. like I was neglected and abused as a child and I literally did not learn social skills, and I was very fearful of other people. as I like worked through the stuff that had instilled that in me and found my stride w stepping out of my comfort zone and getting comfortable being uncomfortable I really don't find it particularly hard to talk to people. I retook the RAADS and I got that I have tendencies but am not anywhere near diagnostic level. I'm literally moving states bc I find the idea of being in a new place and starting from scratch socially rly exciting and I want to like go out to events on my own and meet people both through apps and more organically and I want to get to be in the office with my coworkers like. obv there's more to a dx than just social anxiety but the things that my dx was primarily based in (social anxiety, need for stability/routine, aversion to connection, even sensory issues) are so easily linked back to trauma for me and like. being on the spectrum doesn't go away w therapy?? also I've found it harder and harder to befriend other people on the spectrum; I find I have less in common as time goes on and that my communication style is more focused on like small talk and less directness etc. and I don't tend to get special interests at all anymore like I find it a little difficult to discuss interests w people for long periods of time.
anyway idk my experiences just make me think that it was an incorrect dx but a rly understandable one. I'll probably always have tendencies and get along pretty well w others who do or who are on the spectrum but like I just don't think that I am. and whenever I tried to talk about this with them they'd shut it down and be like um I'm pretty sure you are lmao. and when we talked Sunday I made a comment about making some assumptions about their facial expressions at one point and they were like well we're both on the spectrum so. and I was like my guy I can read facial expressions just fine. if you're saying I can't read yours accurately bc You're on the spectrum then fine. sure. I actually think it's bc you're always so fucking stoned that every muscle in your face is dangling from the frame, personally, but like. i don't have this probably of misreading anyone else dude. like ffs stop armchair diagnosing me and acting like bc you said it then it's law. UGHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHH. it would be one thing if I thought they were saying this stuff bc they think I'm distancing myself out of internalized ableism or something. but it really seems more like they bring it up only to tell me how bad I am at things. which like I'm sorry lmao but. if I'm not giving this vibe to anyone else and I'm not displaying symptoms predominantly in my day to day life and if they're rly seeming to be correlated to my ptsd, maybe you're literally just triggering for me to be around. asshat
I will say I just want everyone to leave me alone lmfao. finding out my grandma got injured in a physical altercation w my piece of shit mother and is hobbling around injured while my mom wound up getting picked up by the police for a completely separate issue and thrown in jail, AND having to deal with my roommate's shitty attitude on top of that is like. can you just be chill for five fucking seconds
cunt lol
things this 30 year old woman could stop doing at any time:
• talking to herself out loud in full sentences at normal volume right across the room while I'm at work
• spending every Wednesday and Thursday morning making and remaking coffee until she gets it "perfect" and throwing out all the earlier attempts and leaving spilled coffee and coffee rings all over the kitchen counter
• slurping her coffee loudly and wetly with less than a full second in between slurps
• smacking her lips and sucking her snot also loudly and wetly
• breathing
oh originally I was also going to talk about things I felt like she should have grown out of by now but I got so distracted by the amount of mouth noises she was making that I forgot and now it looks like I'm like if you're 30 then sister just die.
things this 30 year old woman could stop doing at any time:
• talking to herself out loud in full sentences at normal volume right across the room while I'm at work
• spending every Wednesday and Thursday morning making and remaking coffee until she gets it "perfect" and throwing out all the earlier attempts and leaving spilled coffee and coffee rings all over the kitchen counter
• slurping her coffee loudly and wetly with less than a full second in between slurps
• smacking her lips and sucking her snot also loudly and wetly
• breathing
