nbdy

Hi, my name’s Claire (not my actual name)

[thoughtkick]

“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.”

— John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

[thoughtkick]

“That is why I write — to try to turn sadness into longing, solitude into remembrance.”

— Paulo Coelho

[quotefeeling]

“I couldn’t be with people and I didn’t want to be alone.”

— Marian Keyes

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

I have been staring at a black screen for hours thinking how to describe the feelings I have listening to this song.

-------

Meeting you that day and never realizing that you'll bring so much impact to my life. I have never thought that I was able to handle this much until I met you. It was never easy falling in love with you. We were both afraid. Confused. Every reason I had to leave you and every warning I had to never go down this path, I ignored. I saw past through all the signs. For 6 months or so, we saw each other in our highs and our lows. And we stood by each other. I was at my best and at the same time at my worst. I have hurt people along the way rejecting their love because I was reserving myself for you unconsciously. Despite not having to know what our future would be. I just enjoyed every moment with you.

Summer came and I never thought I will be seeing you again. I'm so glad you came to see me that day. That was the time that all the confusion made sense. We were inlove with each other. Deeply. We started with all those bad things like how my mom confronted you. How my mom yelled at you through call. How afraid you were every time my mom is near. How you saw me being pursued by other guys. How people around us asking what are we and being anxious by that. But we made it past all that. We were all about each other.

We had everything we needed. Just the two of us.

But not until I slowly destroyed everything. I'm sorry. You don't know how much I wish that I can go back and make things right. I'd pay just to relive every memory. I'm sorry for hurting you. And I'm really happy you're okay now.

I'm sorry for leading you on and thank you for always being there when I needed someone. You stayed even though you didn't have to. You had all the reasons to leave me and yet you stayed. I'm sorry for fucking up. You're the sweetest, kindest and bravest person I know. I hope I didn't took that all away from you. I prayed for your healing without even knowing that it will be the death of me.

There's so much to say but I ran out of words already.

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

10/02

It was last year in college when I started having these thoughts about death. That night I was ready to leave. I felt like with all the experiences, memories and lessons that I have earned here in the planet Earth was already enough. I felt like I have already reached the finish line. I felt like with all the people I met and the lives I have touched, I felt like I have already served my purpose. Like that was it. I lost sight of what's in future. I was so ready that I told my mom to please take care of my sister once I leave. And by leaving, I mean die but of course she didn't know what I really meant. It was so painful and at the same time beautiful. Painful because I have to say goodbye to the people I love. Painful because I won't be able to see them again. Painful because I can no longer see the reason to stay and have to actually leave my body. Beautiful because.... at that very night, everything flashed right through my eyes. I remembered every string of memory I had since I was a kid. All the good and the bad but more on the good. It was all beautiful. Despite all the things that have happened to me, I can't explain how majestic it is to have live in this body. To have witnessed it all, to have felt every emotion there is. It was all beautiful. And I want to keep them forever in me. Despite my troubled childhood, I made the most out of it and I couldn't be more proud of myself. And that's how I concluded that I was ready to die.

The overwhelming rush of emotions, all being sucked down to my heart. I couldn't help it, I was drowning. But I felt alive.

FF, it's 2023 and I'm still alive. Way to go, self. You survived again.

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

08/31

seeing the moon despite it’s overflowing beauty makes me sad. i hope ure doing well wherever u are, my moon.

photo credits go to the rightful owner.

[quotefeeling]

“I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.”

— Unknown

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

i always imagine myself sitting in front of the beach alone. i dont care what time of the day. just sit there and feeling every thing - every emotion and every movement in my surroundings. i want to feel the waves crashing at my feet, the coldness of the air, the smell of saltwater, the roughness of the sand, and the rush in my blood.

just sit there and think. contemplate on my past, ask myself "have i lived my life? or was i just barely on survival mode?" i want to rummage through my memories and rationalize every actions and every words that i did and have said in the past. "was it all worth it?"

i want to remember every person whom i shared a part of my life with. i want to feel the emotions that i felt during those times. it takes me back and how weird is it if i told you that it makes me feel alive. it reminds me that i am alive. i am a person full of shared memories. "do they feel the same? did i even made an impact in their lives?"

or was it all just me?

it's weird having these thoughts and feeling these emotions as i wrote this. i cannot find the right words to explain the crumbling sensation in my chest, the butterflies in my stomach. i dont know. what i do know is that if i let myself lose to this sensation, i'd be lost but i'd be setting myself free.

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

0711 1:36 AM

And the thought hit me again. What if I just needed to wait? What if cutting you permanently is a mistake?

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

0706

Hi! So one afternoon this week, I suddenly remembered a phrase and I knew that it was from a song. A Justin Bieber song to be specific. The words were "And then you say, hope this will last forever."

I searched it on Spotify at first and I couldn't find it so I went to YouTube and there's nothing as well. Well, I wasn't sure of the title so I looked it up on Google and found out that this song was unreleased that's why it can't be found in Spotify. I proceeded to YouTube and found this link. I listened to the song and the flow of memories came rushing in. My heart sunk but it didn't ache but I felt happy. I managed to put a smile halfway to the song and I remember every beat of the song making me sing along to it.

It's the first time I managed to finish a throwback song about her without crying and feeling chest pains. I felt relieved. Maybe I am finally going somewhere else. I am moving forward.

I wonder why this song wasn't released? It's a good song.

Ok so, a little story for this song. It was 2013, we graduated high school. It was summer break and I got sick. She went to our house just right after my mom left for work. She got worried I was sick and also maybe because who knows when we will be seeing each other again. At first, I thought after our graduation that I won't be seeing her after that because I haven't tried meeting up with friends during summer breaks. I never tried asking for permission because I know that I won't be allowed to go outside so I gave up that thought already and accepted that it was the end of our story. I was really glad she visited me. Took care of me. Stayed by my side while I sleep. She never left until she has to because mom will be arriving soon. While I was asleep, she played some music and I woke up hearing this song. It instantly became one of my favorite songs.

That day was magical and the next following days until my cousin outed me to my mom.

Anyways, it was magical to hear this song again. A lot of memories resurfaced and it really felt nice to know that I was relieved after hearing the song. I guess this is it. All of these will just be in the deepest corners of my mind and heart. No more forcing myself to remember each memory. I'm finally starting to let you go.

Thank you so much for everything. For every sacrifices and battles you faced alone to save me and protect me. Thank you for understanding even when you are the one who needs to be understood. Thank you for being strong every time I showed weakness. Thank you for being brave enough to face your fears for me. Thank you for being courageous enough to come back into my life despite pushing you away. Thank you for always being there by my side, watching me silently and rescue me when I needed one even when we were miles apart and have not talked for months and years. I see all your efforts and scars now. I see it all. Thank you for pouring me your all. Thank you.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

i go to bed. i am consumed by overwhelming loneliness. i stare at the ceiling. i long for something i can't name. i question if i'm real. i see a funny little meme on my phone and laugh. hysterically for several minutes. i get too invested in an unrealistic fantasy. i pass out around three.

via seashellronan

[deviika]

Jane Austen // Bao Phi

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

you make alcohol taste better

[rains-of-words]

“My heart is always restless because I have millions of thoughts running through my mind in one breath.”

— 02/23/21, anastasiasyah

[quotefeeling]

“I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tightly is we fear something great won’t happen twice.”

— Unknown

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

0609

3 days passed since your birthday. It's Friday. Today is our live certification as well. I don't know what happened but I found myself opening your ig account. Maybe it became a habit. I scrolled down to the bottom finding out that you have deleted the picture of our infinity hand sign together. It hurt. It fucking hurt like hell.

Was it because I didn't greet you on your birthday? Or was it because you're really forgetting about me. I cried. And I can't believe I let myself go through this. I have a certification in the afternoon and I'm currently miserable. I hate myself for this.

Update: Luckily, I passed my certification. I admit it wasn't my best performance but thankfully, I was able to avoid any critical errors so that paved my way to passing the certification.

[quotefeeling]

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them.”

— lyanla Vanzant