#poolofthoughtsbyclaire

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

i always imagine myself sitting in front of the beach alone. i dont care what time of the day. just sit there and feeling every thing - every emotion and every movement in my surroundings. i want to feel the waves crashing at my feet, the coldness of the air, the smell of saltwater, the roughness of the sand, and the rush in my blood.

just sit there and think. contemplate on my past, ask myself "have i lived my life? or was i just barely on survival mode?" i want to rummage through my memories and rationalize every actions and every words that i did and have said in the past. "was it all worth it?"

i want to remember every person whom i shared a part of my life with. i want to feel the emotions that i felt during those times. it takes me back and how weird is it if i told you that it makes me feel alive. it reminds me that i am alive. i am a person full of shared memories. "do they feel the same? did i even made an impact in their lives?"

or was it all just me?

it's weird having these thoughts and feeling these emotions as i wrote this. i cannot find the right words to explain the crumbling sensation in my chest, the butterflies in my stomach. i dont know. what i do know is that if i let myself lose to this sensation, i'd be lost but i'd be setting myself free.

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

12/10/15 ENTRY: ig post

This was taken when my college friends and I were walking down some street in GenSan. I believe this was after class but I cant really remember where we were going at that time. But this was shot before our manufacturing internship in Manila happened.

At that time, I was with my first gf but our relationship was on and off because of some issues. And the issues would be.. me. I think we were on cool off at this time because if not, I wouldnt be posting such content. I always remember her when I look at the skies, especially sunsets, and the moon. I think if you’ll take a peek at my ig account, you’ll see other photos of the sky posted with a sad quote.

I wrote this cus the world I lived in before was full of people that are… well they’re not fake but they arent real with me too so be the judge. My circle was big and I intend to keep it that way cus I thought that they’d all be there for me when I need them but turns out, you’re all what you have. I’m not saying I hate them all, what Im saying is that not all people who will come into your life should be in your life. Does that make sense? Anyways, so there I was and every night of those times, I always find myself alone. All those followers who liked the photo werent there for me as well when I was sulking in my own thoughts. Those people arent relevant to me so why should I bother putting an effort to make them stay in my life. Anyways, back to the post.

At that time also, few boys from our school were also on my inbox. Yeah, now you can guess the issue. But despite all the guys who messaged me, I always find myself going back to her. Hence, the quote. Toxic, aint it? Wait till it gets worse….

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

Hi! You can call me Claire. It’s not my actual name tho. I’d like to hide my real identity by that name. You know, to keep things private.

Growing up, I was the type of person who’s life was known by the most. At least for me, I think. I’m the type of person who willingly shares every story of my life to a friend, schoolmate, and even to a stranger. I grew up having the feeling that I need to tell people what’s going on in my life and now that I have grown up, I realized that it wasnt right. I grew up with fear that people are judging me for what I do and who I am and so I put a lot of pressure on myself which resulted to a chaotic version of me.

I realized that life doesnt always have to be shared. People dont have to know what you’re up to? They wont even care! So why bother sharing?

Maybe because it made me relevant to those people I want in my life. But growing up, people leaving you is inevitable because that’s just how things work. People arent always meant to stay in your life, and it’s okay. Its okay, you’ll be fine. I grew up with people knowing little snippets of my life and built an image of me in their perspective without truly knowing the real me. They know certain things about me without learning the truth behind, the real story behind. And what’s sad is that, those people I was talking about are the people I have known to be my friends. (IDK if Im making sense right now, it’s currently 12:51 AM and im kinda sleepy typing this so I might have to edit this).

Despite troubles in the past, I have this urge within me to share my story. Not to influence others with my wrongdoings but to inspire, I guess? To let someone out there know that they are not alone. We might have different stories to tell but if you’re like me that finds it hard to cope up with life then I’m glad to tell you that you’re not alone in this dark world. Long story short, Im a problematic person who overshares every tiny details of her life to people who dont give a fuck about me and is now regretting that she did cus it turned out that they werent real to me but despite all those things she still wants to tell the world the life she lived just because she wants to be remembered for who she is. And that’s why I created this page.

Also, there are things that I wanted to remember as long as I live but my brain’s not doing its job anymore so Im placing it somewhere it can be preserved for a lifetime.

Few things to know about me is first, I’m not straight. I’ve tried to be but being fit to the social norm isnt really for me. So if you’re a homophobe, please leave this safe space 1of mine. Second, I’m closeted so, whatever written/posted here arent guaranteed to be known by all in my world. Let’s just say that people around me are mostly homophobe, including my family. So, if it so happens that you know me in the real world, do me a favor and never speak of this to anyone. Thank you! :) Third, I have a very disturbing and messy past. So, I figured that one of the reasons I made this page is for me to unfold mysteries of my life and somehow accept what it is or maybe overcome things that have been troubling me. Seriously, IDK.