enlightenment
3 weeks ago, I met someone off Tinder who is a decade older than me. Below is a list of things he said that are wrong about me:
1. I am aggressive. Basically I “raped” him on the first date. His words, not mine.
2. I am dramatic with the things I text, like staying over and maybe going on a trip.
3. I look “nothing” like the pictures I used on Tinder. Apparently he would not have recognised me if not for me saying hello first.
4. I am unmotivated because I do not have a degree. This, despite me explaining that I could not afford one. Maybe government grants could help but I have not done any research on it.
5. I am demanding. Because I asked him for help with buying cat food. Granted the request was without warning. My cat. My problem.
He has mentioned that I am not that important in his life, yet. But I am not sure he takes my feelings into consideration when saying that everytime we meet, he gets more and more disappointed with me. Like, I am not sure he can tell I am trying to be better. “Other men would have left you by now.” yes, they have. without a word. and apparently he is trying to tell me that I can change and be a better person. Not to be too dramatic and assumptive about the relationship. Relationship, if you can call it that. He never asked me to be his girlfriend. so I guess that word is mute. But with all the negatives, not once has he mentioned anything positive or encouraging. Question is, do I want to be with someone who constantly shits on everything I do and say? No one is perfect. If you are looking for someone perfect, I have bad news for you. And funny how I haven’t even begun to think about whats wrong with him. I haven’t come up with a list. I do not have the motivation. Am I afraid I would lose him? How can I lose someone I don’t even have. He has admitted to not having a filter when communicating with me as compared to colleagues or friends. Do I need this right now? I am rock bottom. Is he trying to raise me up or beat me down? I don’t even want to start explaining how pictures on Tinder may nor may not reflect the true product. It is ultimately advertising and men are visually stimulated. Frankly in the past, men have not mentioned that I look that different. So this took me by surprise. I am close to asking “what do you want from me? How can I be better? What are you looking for?” but wow, drama.
Look. I couldn’t even ask if he was married without getting beat down and ignored. apparently asking that implied he was cheating on his wife. He mentioned marriage before. But not divorce. I mean come on, its the basic of getting to know someone. Not everyone can have a simple past like mine. Maybe I am so fucked up that no one stayed long enough to know me better. I have many regrets. Like everyone else, my hindsight is 20/20. In the long run, can I stand being with someone who can only see the negative? He literally LITERALLY responses negatively to everything single thing I have to say. I have never been with someone who thinks they are so smart, so perfect. Fuck if I leave it to him to end this. Fuck if I prove him right by being the asshole he thinks I am. I cannot even say anything on text that isn’t misconstrued. Its very stressful not to be able to speak my mind. Damn.. If there is someone better than me out there, please go ahead. Be with that person. Someone who has the patience for your crap and your holier than thou attitude. She will bleed you dry financially cos as you said “ its just money. I am rich man.”
fuck yourself.
