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Hehe, god I love this blog. Even if it's not updated so often anymore, I always show up after some time and see new posts and it always makes my day, thank
((it's no problem! i'm happy to hear this, though. i really should update, but i also really should like. at least give everyone an explanation why i haven't been updating this blog.
(content warning for pregnancy, mental illness talk. trigger warning for abuse, csa, child abuse, suicide)
so i have disassociative identity disorder. it used to be called "multiple personality disorder" for a while until the label was changed by the dsm. i have one alter so far, and i know they're only trying to protect me, but it's still scary. imagine going to sleep (but you know your body is still up and walking about), and when you 'wake up' you don't know how you got to where you 'wake up'. you have no memory of anything and you become 100000x easier to gaslight and it's so scary.
it came about when i was reeling really hard from the effects these two. really terrible people. left on me. i cut off ties with them some time back, but i still feel the marks they left. (if that makes any sense?)
i sometimes get so angry that they're not affected by this. they're not affected by their own mental, emotional, and sexual abuse of a (then) minor. they're not affected by the four (and for the second of the two, two years.) years. they don't want to commit suicide because they're so disgusted with their body (because they didn't have two people objectify them for their reproductive organs. they weren't trans and wondering, shortly after coming out to two people, "why do you two want me to keep my uterus and ovaries and everything in between so badly. why do you two want me to keep my breasts. IT'S MY BODY WHY DID YOU WANT TO KEEP THOSE THINGS ON ME SO BADLY IF IT'S NOT YOUR BODY")
and i know they don't feel a single thing. they probably think i'm the bad guy for wanting to stay the fuck away from them for what they did.
and i know it was all online and that they never got the chance to act out their blatant objectification and sexualization of me physically, but it still hits me hard. this went on for a good chunk of my short life and for a long time, i believed it was my fault. that i was somehow acting in a way that just made people want to do these things to me. i believed that, no matter what i did, no matter how nice i was, there was a giant sticker on my forehead that read "abuse me. objectify me. sexualise me. tell me everything that you want to do to me without my consent. abuse me." i believed it was all my fault.
but. tldr: it's hard being funny when you're depressed. sorry about the lack of updates, guys :(( )
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