I was aware that you would never answer, I know you too well, and I honestly don't know why I wrote to you or am writing to you, perhaps and probably out of boredom
right now I don't even remember the words I said in the past and what you said to me, I know they were bad, that's for sure, but I also remember that we were gripped by anger, and we both know how anger can transform people
in any case it always amazed me how you closed without a reason, and more than anything without any dialogue, being you the person you are
then more than anything I was confused, I didn't understand what I had done, you know? I'm perhaps one of the people who knew you the longest, and I knew what your principles were, I knew I couldn't undermine your trust, I knew that for you there was only black and white, and I always respected that aspect.
I think I've always been the person most loyal to you, even if you now think otherwise.
The night it all happened, I went to bed peacefully. I knew my statements about Marcela were ambiguous, and that you were angry with me, but I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, and that the next day I would explain to you what was really happening and we would fix it. I think you and I would still have been friends if I hadn't caught you at a delicate time.
When I read your messages that morning, I didn't understand what had happened at all. You accused me of telling Marcela your business, but in reality, I never did. I had always been faithful to you, and you were the most important person to me. I didn't understand at all, and it just seemed like a huge misunderstanding.
I didn't even know why Marcela could write to you, especially those words. After realizing what was happening, that you'd never go back, that I'd lost your trust, I was done with her. I still remember what I wrote to her, something horrible, actually, especially for her, but I think I got the message across to her. I think she thought that for me she had become more important than you, and in fact I had to block her by telling her that she was nothing compared to you, that she existed for me only because you existed (philosophically it's also true), if I were asking you, yes, losing you made me a horrible person.
This made me immensely angry, because the idea that I had lost you without actually doing anything was going through my head, and at the same time I had started to think that maybe you had tried to draw the first fact to get me away from your life, and I always wondered: why have you never done it directly? why would you do all this? on top of that, I knew and know that I was a ball-buster, especially after the breakup with Katia, but I thought that when you exceeded your endurance limit, you would be able to, yes, get angry with me for being nagging, but also move on.
Anyway, we both know how it ended, I don't know what I wanted to happen, but I was pretty out of my mind, I was shocked.
but in any case I've always and only been interested in you, and you know maybe when I contacted your friends, I just wanted to get noticed by you, have a dialogue that never happened, get answers that I never had.
so maybe I didn't actually write to you randomly, maybe I still wanted, after a year, to try to get answers I've never had, or at least explain things you never wanted to listen to, which is absurd since you're the person who listens most to others.
I honestly believe this has helped me become the person I am today, and I don't repudiate what happened. I don't know if we'll ever be able to reconnect, and I don't even know if I can imagine it, but I hope to have a person like you back in my life, even if I know you're unique in your species.
Even after all the harm I've done to you, the words I've said, and the ones you've said to me, I think I'll never stop wanting you a world of good.
origamiaround
kaledo-art
germansingergirl
blakekathryn
2087
turnnoffyourmind
janainaart
jbbartram-illu
