2 years ago, I made a return to being on the mic after giving up so many times. This album was my highlight and at the same time, it was our heartache. Some of the great things about it was that even though I took some time off, I came back with my songwriting skills even stronger. I was more open to collaborating and producing with other talented people. I never forget when I wrote "Demons" and I got to the hook and I just remember the excitement I had when I knew I wanted Brandon Brains, the man who put me back on the forefront, to deliver this hook and he executed way past my expectation. Then "Misunderstood" came out, at first it was called "Glass Walls" but then the wonderful Candice Cheek, blessed me with the chorus and verse and I knew okay we're coming back with vengeance. At this point, I was feeling like nothing could stop me BUT low and behold life and my anxiety/depression came creeping back but this time harder than ever before.
Throughout the process of this album, all I could seem to write was my demons, my flaws, my unhappiness, my desire to love but yet didn’t even love myself. The reason why I say this album was just as much as heartaches as it was an accomplishment was because even though I was able to execute this album, I still did it out of fear and doubt. You could tell by the way I was delivering my verses, my voice had no confidence, you can tell I was expecting the worst from this. When I play this album now, I hear a 24 year old, crying for help, hoping somebody was listening. “My Worst Friend (Voices)” was the last song I recorded for the album (way before Logic did the beat ten times better lol) and that came from an encounter I actually had with one of my past demons. The night I was ready to give it all up and say goodbye to everything I ever known. I was weak, I felt like a burden, I felt like my mother deserved way more than what she got with me.
Its funny how I am writing this blog on Easter weekend because from a religious aspect, its about the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Now if you are familiar with the scenario of this story, Jesus was sacrificed his life and was crucified to cleanse us from our sins and disobedience. Three days later, he rises up a new being, a new entity, beyond men. In a way, I would love to say I went through that same experience, except it took longer than three days. As many don’t know, last year around October, I ended up submitted in a psych for my severe anxiety and depression. After countless suicidal thoughts, I was ready to actually stop talking and be a man of my words and end it all. Its funny though, when they submitted I spent the first 48 hours crying and crying like “why God, why God, why have you forsaken me”. I even cursed God and denounced him but then suddenly something came over me. The spirit of my grandparents and my godbrother with the message, “come home”. I always tried to shake it off because I didn’t believe in receiving any type of answer from the man upstairs but it continued to play through head until finally I couldn’t ignore it. At that moment, I found God again, now am I saying I went all in, no hesitation, no because my trust was still in a bad place but I remember kneeling down one day with tears in my eyes and saying “I leave it in your hands”. At that moment, the chip on my shoulder, the voices in my head, the negative energy began to die and the resurrection of my joy, my happiness, my ambition, my vision happened. I’m not perfect, I still have my days but now I take on life with a smile on my face and when I tend to ease back to my old ways, I always go to my rock, my mother and she always helps me out. I am in a state or should I say a chapter in my life now where I’m preparing myself for a blessing, I don’t know what this blessing is or how much of it is coming but I want to be ready for it.
Now that I am working on this new album, “Field Trip”, my main goal has been to give nothing but positive force and good vibes throughout this project. This is the happiest I’ve been with working on a album, I’m finding my confidence, my songwriting has stepped up to another level and most importantly love is an important factor in this project. I’m walking through this journey by faith and not by sight and I can move forward and not look back. So to celebrate this album that I released in 2015, I also want to celebrate my freedom. Love