It's a personal blog, for daily activity. Each of my daily blogs will use the tag nBooth. I don't use this URL for more than just single, daily blogs, but I'll answer questions if asked.
these days were really mixed from eventful to not very eventful, I donāt really want to write much about them because theyāre not really interesting, and any thoughts that were part of those days were prettyĀ āmehā
However, friday was pretty interesting, I had M with a friend on friday...
I had a lunch with family, and aunt for my grandmotherās birthday today, and despite really feeling like crap, and being tired as all hell, I did it without balling my eyes out as well! I have a feeling that sheās a little worried that we might forget her, but out of all of my grand parents sheās the least likely to be forgotten... I just love her so damn much!Ā
(*sigh* tears, and I was doing so well too...)
I honestly dread the day she leaves for a multitude of reasons.
--
I also finally got my phone replaced today, unfortunately itās white though... That being said, the screen isnāt burned in, and neither does it have any scratches or battery issues (seemingly), so for the moment Iām pretty happy!
I donāt know whatās going on with my weight anymore, somehow Iāve managed to gain 5kg of muscle in a span of 2 days despite not exercising? Whaa? It also seems to fluctuate really rapidly depending on the time I weigh myself? digital scales are awful, I donāt know why I even bother with them.
I also decided to watch Rouge One today... I honestly canāt say that I liked it all that much... It was mildly entertaining but really should have just been a straight to DVD kind of thing, itās was just so average.
It was a pretty lazy day today, I played around with the raspberry pi, and was disconnected from the internet again despite paying my rent, although Iām being told that the house manager didnāt change any settings, but I believe otherwise because itās just conveniently happened after the I.T. guy mentioned that the internet issues only started toĀ āhappenā when I moved in... Which I know for a fact is absolute bullshit considering I heard my share of complaints about it before I even moved in, honestly Iām just sick to death of fucking everything but there isnāt much I can do without being super imposing or resort to moving back home, which doesnāt really look like a feasible option considering dadās moved his office into my room because my brotherās moved all of his extra crap back into his old room... SFMEL.
Despite waking up early today because of the construction work being loud, today was a pretty alright day, it was also raining all day today which was a really nice change because it hasnāt rained like this all year.Ā
Despite the rain which wasnāt super strong or anything, I raked the garden today and ended up getting a huge blister on the webbing between my thumb and index finger, I also went to carlingford court to hand in a resume, have lunch, and pick up some coke, then I went home and watched some anime, walked to the psychologist who was late again to our session, and then walked back home and continued to watch anime... Iām watching Jitsu wa watashi wa at the moment and am nearly finished.
Despite doing all that today I wasnāt hugely feeling up to talking to people and the fact that I was constantly faced with people to talk to was super unnerving... I ALSO WANT TO RELAX BUT I JUST CANāT SEEM TO WHICH IS REALLY FRUSTRATING!
I also found a bit of rusted metal in my gum between my teeth today somehow, I have little to no idea how it got there though, apart from either of when I accidentally smacked myself in the face with a metal pole, or it happened while I was eating something. -shrug-
I also decided that it would be a good idea to eat most (all) of a tub of ice cream today... It was indeed not a good idea and I havenāt been able to stop farting since an hour after I finished it... I regret nothing!
Honestly I donāt really remember what I did today because of the double dose of seroquel I took last night, I do remember that it was hot and that I handed in two resumeās though, it was also really hot at night and I was sweating my arse off because of it...
Urgh, today was ssssuuuuccchhh a hooooottt dddaaaayyyy... My plants were super thirsty and one of them even died sadly...With that being said, as long as I still have a rose though Iām pretty happy, itās looking like itās growing nicely at the moment, and it also looks like I might have an orange sapling growing as well which would be pretty amazing to add to my little garden!
I also went to see my parents today, I mowed the lawn at their place, and got a battery charger and my water sprayer so that I could spray the lawn with some seasol, hopefully doing that will actually work though and not kill everything it touches, because that would kind of really suck... I donāt really use fertiliser much, mainly because it usually really smells and I keep the plants on a windowsill in my bedroom, so yeah... That plus I know that too much of a good thing does usually seem to fuck shit up, so Iām going to try and keep it down to about once a week or so and see how things go... So far the plants are doing pretty well though, so thatās awesome!
Today was a hot day, thankfully it wasnāt as hot as monday last week though, that was a hot day...
I had lunch with one of my house mates today and I didnāt have to pay either, which was really cool of him, I just kind of feel bad that I couldnāt really pay apart from giving him a lift to and from home (even though itās like, a 5 minute walk, still itās hot shh!). After having lunch with my housemate I saw my psychologist and we semi-confirmed that I had issues with disassociation... And I say semi-confirmed because 1. sheās a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, and 2. the method we used was online because her test (which had the same questions) didnāt have a calculator and she thought my results were high when they were actually only just on the line, so yes, it happens, but itās not major, but thatās pretty much just confirming what I already knew... Which was exactly like basically everything else regarding my mental health apparently and itās frustrating as fuck that Iām not listened to by my psychiatrists, but thereās not much I can do about that unfortunately.
In other news I also saw louise again today, Iād really like to ask her out, but Iām not really seeing any super obvious signs that sheās really into me like that apart from the occasional opening up to, plus I still donāt really know if I actually WANT to go out with anyone really... I really just want someone to cuddle occasionally honestly... Like a pet, but Iād much prefer someone I can talk to as well...
Today was another kind of weird day... I feel so detached from everything at the moment, and for some reason feeling really hurt maybe I have PTSD from going out with holly... But all jokes aside, I do feel that I want to get back into a relationship, but at the same time I donāt know if I really feel like I should considering the only people I end up asking out are people who Iām already friends with and 1. I donāt want to lose any more friends, and 2. If I go into a relationship Iām probably going to end up in the same path of going out with someone, being really happy with them, then basically being shot in the heart again because of whatever reason...
And if that magically somehow doesnāt end up happening Iām either going to find out that Iām in a relationship that I was in previously where Iām head over heals for someone and end up finding out later on that theyāre actually cheating on me or stabbing me in the back by saying awful things about me and exaggerating truths about something to people they know like hitting someone accidentally in my sleep or saying something jokingly, and then being told that Iām an abusive partner because of XYZ... People suck... Iād ask āwhy canāt people be more like meā, but Iām prone to sucking more than occasionally as well, so it wouldnāt really much of an upgrade really... It would also explain why I despise myself a lot as well despite trying to be nothing like everyone else... Ugh, I donāt know, I need long hugs =(
Iām not sure about what I should say about today... I watered and pinched my plants like I do every so often, I got annoyed at my housemates passive aggressively like I seem to every day because theyāre absolutely fucking gross and donāt do anything for themselves apart from eat and sleep (although how they manage to do even that without some form of alcoholic beverage or illegal drug seems beyond my comprehension... At least two of them donāt completely suck though... One of them doesnāt even come out of his room though which is why he doesnāt annoy me I guess, but when he does itās because heās using olive oil on his scalp and being really fucking gross anyway, so I donāt even know... N is pretty cool but he has his moments where I donāt agree even slightly with him but I have to grin and bare it, but I guess people do that with me as well... Including myself.)
I also saw my high school friends today, that was alright... They started without me again, which I did say I didnāt mind when I was back in mona vale, but now I donāt even know... Honestly I feel like the world is against me... I think it might be in reaction to the fact that I took one pill less than I normally do earlier in the week because I ran out of medication, but that shouldnāt really be the reason... should it? like, does 60mg less of duloxetine for one night REALLY fuck me up that much??? I certainly know that taking none of it at all (accidentally, even without realising it) does later in the week, but I should be fine with at least SOME of it, shouldnāt I? I wish I has taking less and less in small doses without knowing to see if itās just my brain doing a placebo thing or if I do actually need it... Because I certainly know for sure that if I do it because I forgot I get super fucked up because of it much later on in the week...
Similar to yesterday I was going to clean the other houses but ended up not doing so because 1. I still havenāt been paid, and 2. it was still ridiculously hot and I didnāt want to be drenched in sweat despite only mopping two houses...
What I DID end up doing though is going to bunnings and buying fertiliser for my plants/the grass (which both seem to be going amazingly despite only being watered until now), as well as something to hold the tomato plants up while they grow because every time I watered them they would get top heavy and droop down to the ground, which I suspect is why one of the two plants has mildew on them... but it could also be because of lack of light and too much moisture or something, so I donāt know...I guess weāll see if this gets rid of it or not... I kind of pray that it does because Iāve been looking after these plants for a while now and I donāt want them to die... :/
EDIT: I forgot to mention that someone fucking pissed all over the bathroom floor today, so I ended up cleaning the bathrooms, bath tub, and kitchen because fuck thatās gross, even if youāre drunk why do you not clean up after your fucking self? FFFFUUUUUUUU-
I was going to clean the other two houses today, but it was ridiculously hot again and I still havenāt been paid for the previous fortnight, so I really didnāt feel like doing anything today... I also waited on hold with centrelink for an hour after being continuously being disconnected every time I called... I eventually got through though and got my rent assistance, so Iām happy... More or less...
I saw my mum and had lunch with her, I bought new earplugs, I fell into a nostalgia pit, and I played pokemon moon a bit, Iām close to finishing, but I need to level up a bit more before I can wipe the floor with the champion...
I realised it was december today... Like, I knew it was december, but itās really only just kind of hit me as I type this really... Itās certainly been an interesting year... Not a great one at all, but interesting none-the-less...
Today was full of things, but at the same time, not amazingly full of things...
I saw my psychologist today and sheās still adamant that I have PTSD (even though I know I donāt, nor do I have any reason to have it and my previous psychologists and psychiatrists have agreed that I have depression... getting them to understand that itās fucking clinical depression is the bane of my existence though... Literally always had depression... not figuratively. Literally, in the literal sense.) and I took a disassociation test today, from the looks of things I disassociate quite a lot, but not in the same sense that others seem to regularly talk about, I guess it goes back to when I was younger and I would always (yes, again literally in the literal sense) look out the window while I was at school, in the car, and anywhere else that I didnāt want to be and let time pass by because I was somewhere where I didnāt want to be, nor did I feel any actual need to be there... Which is kind of funny actually, because despite the amount of time passing that I did, I also seem to have come out more or less as well as I had thought I would come out... Actually, Iāve done somewhat better than I expected myself to come out from doing absolute minimum of what was expected of me, I know that I can do a lot, and I have actually done quite a lot compared to what people normally seem to do, but not in the same sense as whatĀ ādoing a lotā would be considered others I would think...
Since I was in kindy (even before if I remember correctly) I have been obsessed with computers and the many, many different things they can do, I have taken apart, and put back together countless computers and consoles, I can follow instructions better than lots of people seem to be able to, as long as itās written down, unfortunately Iāve always had a REALLY shitty memory, which is really kind of funny, because I seem to remember what I need to when I least need to remember it (also when Iām not under any stress, which is usually when I least need to remember something I guess...) also I seem to notice that I remember that I donāt remember anything, which might??Ā reinforce the fact that I canāt remember things? I donāt really know... What does seem to interest me (apart from seemingly hugely random facts) is that Iāve also always been really shitty at spelling, and the thing that helped me immensely was basically MSN messenger, also going to the UK and being humiliated beyond belief when I thought that someone was my friend when in fact it seemed like they hated my guts... that was definitely a confusing person... not just that one person though, like the whole group of them seem amazingly friendly until you hang out with them personally and then accidentally see how badly they think of you... But I guess thatās mainly a lot of people really... You can try as hard as you can to get people to like you, but as soon as you do or say something they donāt like, you end up to be worse than a freshly squished piece of shit under a shoe... I mean, I know there are a lot of people that I donāt like, but itās because theyāve harmed me or someone I know in some way, itās not because they hold an opinion I donāt like or donāt agree with, hell, Iād despise 99.999999999% of the people I know/knew if I hated everyone who had a differing opinion to myself...
Thatās also what seems to be another thing really, I donāt like a lotĀ of things, I accept them anyway, but I also donāt like that I donāt like them... Honestly I wish I liked everything because things/life seem/s like theyād/itād be a hell of a lot more pleasurable... But no, I seemed to be limited to liking things that Iām not ārequiredā to like, as well as computers, tattooes, art, gardening, certain music, and things Iām notĀ āallowedā to like (obviously not all things though, but if you tell me that I shouldnāt like something Iāll probably be likeĀ āfuck you, I like said thing!ā as long as itās not like morally wrong... Which should be obvious... But Iāve experienced people who like to believe the worst in people and... yeah... no... while I might not necessarily look like it, I like to assume the best in people until Iām proven otherwise, and that otherwise has, and is proven to me a lot...Which also makes me sad...
Why do people have to be dicks? Like, what is the driving force that people have that goĀ āYes, I am better than everyone, thus I must show this to everyone, starting with this person in particular!...ā
Today was SSSSOOOOOO HHHHOOOOTTTTT... Well, it wasnāt exactly as hot as it was humid, which was kind of funny because I was fine when I was inside, but as soon as I went outside I was drenched with sweat, apparently it was 38 degrees... It honestly didnāt feel like it was that temperature, but things seem a lot less hot since I went to central australia last year...
I also saw Louise again today, today we watched Zeitgeist and The Candyman, we also had a couple of beers and some asian snacks, as well as pizza... It seems we have pizza a lot when we see each other I fear my lost weight will come back if this is the case unfortunately...
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