Real Men Wear Tunics: Part Nine - My Fleece On Fleek
You ever have a great thing going with a girl, and then, for reasons you and your therapist haven't quite worked out yet, you sabotage it? Maybe you make yourself emotionally unavailable, or you start focusing on the little, minor things that bother you about her, or you just straight up don't keep it in your pants. Whatever the case, the damage has been done, there's no going back, and nothing will ever be the same. You fucked up, bad.
You ever do that with a sorceress?
So let's talk about Jason. He was kinda distantly related to Sisyphus, who you may remember as That Boulder Guy. You may also recall that Sisyphus once tried to overthrow his brother by marrying his niece, Tyro. Super gross. Well, after Sisyphus' boulder-death, Tyro remarried the king of a Greek region called Ioulcos, and had two sons.
The older one, Aeson, became king, as well as Jason's father. The younger one, Pelias, decided it sucked that he couldn't have a kingdom, so he'd just take the one his brother was using.
Right after Jason's birth, his uncle staged a coup, killed Aeson, and ordered Jason murdered as well, since he couldn't risk any rightful heirs to the throne coming back to bite him in the ass later. Fortunately, Jason's mom Alcimede was able to save his life with some very quick thinking. She gathered all her ladies around her, and told them to begin wailing and crying, as if in mourning. Then, she told Pelias' men that her baby had been stillborn. The womens' moans and sobs covered up the baby's crying, and the soldiers bought the story. Lil' Jason was bundled off to the woods, to be raised by centaurs.
That's right, centaurs.
As a rule, centaurs do not make great parents. Everyone knows that they're half human, half horse mythological creatures. But if you're thinking of those lily-white, garland wearing losers prancing around to Beethoven's 6th in Fantasia, you are sorely mistaken about the true nature of these guys. Centaurs, simply put, were huge assholes. They roamed the countryside, breaking into people's homes and stealing their booze. Then they'd get drunk, trample some crops, rape some women, get in at least seven fist fights, and move on. Centaurs were lazy, stupid, rude motherfuckers. So why would Jason's mother leave him with one?
Well, Chiron the Centaur happened to be the exception to the rule. He had gained fame as the one cool centaur in the world. He was intelligent, gentle, and helpful to anyone who sought assistance from him. So he took Jason in, gave him a proper education, taught him all types of survival skills and manners, and sent him out into the world a productive young member of society. And at no time were there any awkward, incredibly racist hoof-shining moments which had to be purged from the Disney canon.
While young Jason was growing up, Pelias went ahead and married Alcimede. Being a woman, she had little choice in the matter, although some versions of this myth hold that she'd been getting it on with Pelias all along, or at least wasn't unhappy about becoming his queen. This obviously casts her in a somewhat shittier light. Be that as it may, Pelias was always worried about being overthrown, since he didn't really deserve to have his position in the first place. To try and get some insight into what the future held for him, he visited an oracle...and I'm sure you know how well THAT turned out. The oracle offered no other guidance than to warn him, "Beware of a man with one sandal." Yeah, thanks, Oracle.
About 25 years passed, and Pelias didn't suffer any footwear-related catastrophes. So, he relaxed. He decided to hold some public games in honor of the god Poseidon, and advertised all across Greece that there would be a big cash prize awarded to the winner. Naturally, Jason heard about these games, and decided to compete for that sweet coin, and also tell his uncle that he was totally alive and knew the kingdom belonged to him. He walked to Ioulcos, not being able to afford Amtrak. Near the end of his journey, he had to cross a river. There was no bridge in sight, and as he started across, he spotted a crooked, frightened looking old woman also trying to make it.
Knowing this lady would surely be swept away by the current, Jason grabbed her arm and helped her across. Both made it safely, but he lost...yeah, you know.
Ok, I'll spell it out, he lost a sandal.
Also, the old lady wasn't an old lady at all. She was Hera in disguise, and she'd taken an interest in Jason, as a rightful king deprived of his throne. Being a goddess of royalty, Hera didn't like to see other royalty being screwed over, so she resolved to help Jason in any way she could, especially since he'd proven to be a nice guy.
Jason arrived at the games, walked up to Pelias, and was all, "Yo. This my kingdom. Step off."
Pelias got pretty freaked out about his nephew not being dead, but didn't get too concerned because he had about 87 heavily armed guards to keep the throne safe for him. He threw some pretty major shade at Alcimede, though. To Jason, he said "Um, nah. I like being king. I'm used to it. Tell you what, though. I'll retire, of my own free will, and let you take over the kingdom, if you can bring me the Golden Fleece."
"What?"
"The Golden Fleece, moron. It's a pelt from a magical ram that belongs to a king who lives at the other edge of the world, on an island called Colchis. Go get a boat, find it, and bring it back here. Then you can be king."
"Ok."
It was super epic.
To prepare for his quest, Jason bought himself a boat, and named it the Argo, because it came from the city of Argos. Hera blessed it, which made it magic and awesome. Then, he gathered a posse of dudes he collectively named the Argonauts. There were the Boreads, the sons of the Northern wind god Boreas, who could fly. There was Castor and his brother Pollux, hardcore warrior twins who were, unsurprisingly, Geminis. Orpheus joined the gang, as this story takes place before he got his head ripped off by drunken whores. Atalanta took part in the fun as well.
With a crew of otherwise uninteresting assorted Greek dudes assembled, Jason took off toward the edge of the (flat) world, determined to find the Golden Fleece and win his kingdom back. He did not have a map, any sailing experience, or any idea what he was doing, but fuck it, Jason was a hero.
It would be a pretty long voyage to the edge of the world, so Jason and his bros mainly spent the time on their ship lifting heavy stuff, comparing how much heavy stuff they could lift with others, and eating various types of meat. There was no sex to be had, since Atalanta was a virgin and nobody wanted to be gay. So the gang was pretty happy to stop at the first large island they encountered, hoping they'd run into some tail.
With their food and water reserves low, the Argo anchored, and everybody whispered to each other with excitement at seeing strangers gathering on the shore. Jason and his crew were greeted by the island's inhabitants, all women. Score, right? Well, kind of.
They weren't Amazons, or sexy lesbian nuns or anything cool like that. These female islanders had all been normal Greek housewives with boring lives once, but then they forgot to worship Aphrodite. She got pissy, and exacted her revenge on the women by making them smell like rotten cabbage covered in puss. This caused their husbands to cheat on them, unable to handle the stank and needing to get their rocks off somewhere. The wives, in turn, fought back by murdering their husbands while they slept. The ol' battle of the sexes, amirite? This could totally be a sitcom!
Having replenished their supplies, and having run into a ton of horny murderous widows, Jason and his companions did the only thing they could, and banged the lot of them. No, I don't know if they still smelled or not. Let's assume they did. (The only person who didn't participate was Atalanta, who did not play for the other team.) Jason actually knocked up the widow he happened to seduce, and fathered twins which will literally never be mentioned again. Seriously. I am not setting anything up here. These twins will never come up anywhere down the line. Pinky swear.
The next island Jason's crew stopped at was inhabited by a race of murderous 6 armed giants who were not sexy at all. Being a hero, Jason and his gang killed most of them. Yay.
When they stopped at the third island, the Argonauts were met by envoys who took them to their king, who was just sitting down to dinner. Jason quickly realized something was wrong when he saw the king, a man named Phineas, who looked sick and emaciated despite having a sumptuous feast laid out before him.
The king graciously implored the men to eat, which they gladly did. But, as soon as the king tried to take any food at all, a horrible screech rang out overhead. Then, terrible creatures descended from the sky! The beasts, called harpies, looked like huge birds of prey, but had the heads of women. They had red eyes, wild, tangled hair, and razor sharp teeth. They snatched up every morsel the king tried to eat, and carried his meal away in their talons.
"King Phineas, what were those creatures, and why are they stealing your food?!" Jason exclaimed.
"Those were harpies. They have tormented me for many months now." Then, King Phineas proceeded to tell his story. He'd been born with an amazing gift: the ability to see the future. As he got older, the gift got stronger, and Phineas began to delight and amaze everyone around him with his predictions, which always came true. People stopped going to ask Oracles what the coming days held for them, since Phineas would just give them straight, easy to understand answers to their questions, rather than cryptic bullshit. This pissed the gods off, especially Zeus, who decided that Phineas needed to be punished for using the talent which he'd gotten completely honestly and without asking. Zeus decided that an appropriate punishment would be slow starvation by monster-women.
"But you," Phineas said, pointing at Jason, "you are destined to rescue me from these harpies. Don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you. Zeus isn't going to get revenge on you, for some reason. I know this because I can see the future, remember? Please, kill the harpies so I can have a damn chicken finger again!"
Jason felt a little hesitant about it, but Phineas COULD see the future, and he had promised there'd be no retribution. So, he shrugged, brandished his sword, and told Phineas to try to eat again. As soon as the harpies showed up, Jason killed all their asses. Really, it's what he did best. "So, which way to the Golden Fleece?"
"A few miles over that way. You're very close."
"Cool, thanks bro. Bon appetit."
"Oh, but you gotta sail through the Clashing Rocks before you get to it."
"I'm sorry...what? The Clashing Rocks?"
"Oh, yeah. They smash together, crushing any ships that happen to be in their path. Unavoidable. Super dangerous. You might die. Anyway, get out of my palace, I'm eating dinner."
Back on their ship, the Argonauts soon noticed the Clashing Rocks looming in the distance. They'd been correctly named - they were, in fact, two huge fucking rocks that smashed together, then moved apart again. If the ship didn't time its passage through the rocks exactly right, everyone on the Argo would be crushed to bits.
"We have to get our speed precisely correct," Jason mused, standing at the bow of the ship and stroking his chin. "We have to figure out if we even have enough time to sail through before the rocks smash together."
"Um, guys?" Orpheus pointed out. "You know, I realize these rocks are a good hundred feet tall, and they're really big, and getting through them is the most direct route to the Golden Fleece, but...there's a pretty big ocean out there. Couldn't we sail around these rocks and go to the island we need to get to from another direction? Maybe?"
Jason narrowed his eyes at Orpheus. "Hey. This is my story. You had yours. You play your lyre or whatever, and I'll make the life-threatening decisions, kay?"
"But-"
"GET STRUMMING, LYRE MONKEY!"
Orpheus got strumming, and while he did so, Jason came up with a plan. He produced a dove from Hammerspace, and set it free to fly toward the Clashing Rocks. It had enough time to get through, only losing a couple of tail feathers when the rocks closed on it. Jason, for some reason, decided that a dove and a huge ass ship are the same thing, and deduced that he could also get through the Clashing Rocks.
"Row, row with all your might!" Jason called to the anonymous crew members inside the ship, and the Argo headed between the rocks. Maybe the wind was with them, maybe Hera was looking out for Jason, or maybe the fact that he's just the hero of the story kicked in. At any rate, the ship dramatically cleared the rocks just as they smashed together, suffering nothing but a tiny scratch to the stern. Now, nothing lay between the Argonauts and the island housing the Golden Fleece!
So, this particular island, Colchis, lay just off the coast of what is now Georgia. The country, not the Peach State. Duh. After mooring their ship, Jason led the Argonauts into the palace, pretty much the only building there, to greet the island's king. Not known for his public speaking skills, Jason simply said, "Hey! Uh...so, I came a pretty long way to get here. Can I have your Golden Fleece? I kinda need it so I can go back and be king of my hometown. Is that cool?"
The king of Colchis raised a single eyebrow at Jason. "Excuse me? Are you serious? You, a complete stranger, walk into my home, and just ask if you can have an incredibly rare, incredibly valuable, prized possession, which is mine and you have absolutely no claim to? And I'm just supposed to hand it over to you? Haha! Do you think I'm some kind of fucking moron? You want that super valuable treasure, which I am under no obligation to give up? You're gonna do some tasks. Heroes like you are good for two things, and that's having a fatal flaw, and tasks. First, you're gonna plow a field, using oxen made of fire. Then, you're gonna defeat an army, single handed. Then, you're gonna slay a dragon. You do that, and THEN you can have my Golden Fleece. Is THAT cool? All righty then, get plowing, bitch."
Still watching over Jason, Hera realized he was about to get hosed, and she had to act fast. She also realized that the king of Colchis had a hot daughter named Medea.
As a granddaughter of Helios, the sun god, Medea could be considered one quarter divine, though she wasn't immortal. Her eyes shone a golden yellow, identifying her as a member of Helios' family. Being not altogether mortal, she was capable of doing magic, and had been taught by her father from birth all about casting spells and making potions. She'd obviously be a huge help to Jason, Hera reasoned. If only Medea could be motivated to want to help him...
Hera quickly flew off, and struck a deal with Aphrodite. The goddess agreed to make Medea fall in love with Jason, in exchange for the code to Hera's Netflix subscription. After borrowing her son Eros' quiver and bow, Aphrodite shot Medea with a golden arrow, then went home to finally see what all the fuss over Stranger Things is about.
Meanwhile, Jason headed out to the field he'd been sent to by the king, with a bag of seeds he'd been given. He quickly discovered that the oxen he was supposed to use were, in fact, literally on fire. They stamped their flamey-hooves, and snorted tiny conflagrations out of their noses at Jason. They were not interested in being friends, plowing anything, or making heroic quests easier. Jason thought about having to yoke them, and wet his tunic a little bit. He wondered to himself if a kingdom was really worth third degree burns over his entire body.
He didn't have to wonder long, though, because Medea soon came up behind him, carrying a jar. "Hey," she said.
Jason turned to face her, trying to hide the wet spot on his tunic with his seed pouch. "Hey," he replied. "Um, can I help you?"
Medea shrugged. "Well," she said, "I couldn't help but notice you're about to try and yoke my dad's oxen, and they're going to toast your mortal ass, so I thought I'd whip up this magic ointment for you." She held up the jar. "If you put it on, those fire oxen won't bother you at all!"
Taking the jar and rubbing the ointment on his arms, Jason smiled. "Thank you, um...princess?"
Medea laughed. "Of course I'm a princess," she confirmed. "I'm a chick, it's not like I'd have a speaking role in this story unless I was a princess or a goddess."
After yoking the fire-oxen, Jason began sowing the field, dropping one seed into the dirt at a time. He couldn't help but notice, though, that the seeds looked kind of weird. "Uh, princess..."
"Medea."
"Princess Medea, what exactly are these seeds?"
"Oh, they're not actually seeds. They're dragon's teeth."
Jason chuckled. "Now why would I be planting dragon's tee-OH SHIT!!!"
Just as he dropped the last tooth into the soil, a spear shot out of the ground, narrowly missing him. Within seconds, a crop of fully grown, heavily armed soldiers had sprung from the field. The wet spot on Jason's tunic got a little bigger.
"I can't fight all of those...guys? Things? There's 50, maybe 100 of them!" They shuffled forward like zombies, brandishing their weapons.
"Don't worry, Jason!" Medea called, still standing behind him. "Those soldiers aren't really human. They're just programmed to attack anything that enters their ranks. If you try to charge them, they'll kill you in seconds. But -" she picked up a rock from the field, and threw it to Jason - "if you can make them attack THEMSELVES, they'll kill each other! Throw the rock into the crowd of them - then just stand back and watch."
Jason did as Medea said, throwing the rock smack into the middle of the Dragon's Teeth Army ranks. As Medea predicted, they attacked the spot where the rock had landed, hitting and killing whoever was next to them. The Domino Effect kicked in, and after a few minutes, all the weird Quasi-Zombie soldiers lay dead.
"Sweet! Jason said. "Now I just have to kill a dragon, and the Golden Fleece is mine!"
Medea furrowed her brow. "Well...you might not actually have to KILL the dragon to get the Fleece."
"But he's not gonna just let me walk in and take it," Jason pointed out. "Besides, I'm awesome at killing things."
"Yeah, but...it might be easier and less messy if you incapacitate the dragon, rather than kill him." Medea produced another jar. It also came from Hammerspace. "I have a sleeping potion here. If you sprinkle some on the dragon's eyes, he'll be out for hours. Then you can grab the Golden Fleece easily."
Just for a change of pace, Jason decided to go the less violent route, and took the sleeping potion from Medea. When he entered the dragon's lair, the creature predictably gnashed its teeth and breathed fire at him, but a quick toss of the sleep dust into its eyes, and ol' Bahamut was down for the count. Jason strolled right by, and grabbed the Golden Fleece. Finally.
Of course, when he came out of the cave, none other than the king, Medea's dad, stood waiting for him. Accompanying him was Medea's only brother, smirking and brandishing a club. "Yeah," the king snorted, "you're not taking that fleece out of here."
"Godammit!" Jason groaned, heaving a sigh. "Why? Why can't I have the Golden Fleece NOW? I plowed the field, I killed the army, and I beat the dragon! I did all your stupid tasks, now I get to go be a king! Get out of my way!"
Medea knew her brother would club Jason's brains in, and then he and her dad would play poker over the body, so she ran to Jason's side. "Jason," she cried, "I can keep helping you, buy only if you take me with you and marry me! Is it a deal?"
Jason couldn't deny it: Medea had helped him a lot. Plus, she was a total babe, so he had no difficulty deciding. "Deal! Now help me get past this mook the king's got with him!"
"Run as fast as you can!" Medea screamed, and as Jason did so, she turned to her brother, and cast a lethal spell on him. He shattered, like a book that fooled Oprah, into a million little pieces. The king, struck with grief and horror, didn't think to dispatch any more of his guards, or even try to chase down Jason and Medea himself. He tried to gather up all the son-bits, and our heroic couple beat it back to the Argo, safely sailing off for home.
Standing at the bow of the Argo with Medea, Jason draped the Golden Fleece around him, puffing his chest out. "So," he said to her with a wink, "we'll head back to Ioulcos, I'll make you my queen, and then I'll make you do other things. Sound like a plan?"
Medea shook her head. "Not right away," she replied. "I can't become your queen, not like this. Jason, I killed my brother. He was an asshole, but I still killed him. That's murder. And you're an accessory to that. We have to be purified before we can go back to Greece, or else..."
"Or else what?" Jason barely had time to get the question out before a pants-shittingly terrifying thunderclap shook the air around them. For the next three days, the Argo got buffeted about between waves and rocks, nearly getting smashed or capsizing multiple times. The gods were angry with Medea, but she knew of an island where everyone could go to be cleansed of their sins, and guided the crew to land there.
The island had only one inhabitant: another sorceress by the name of Circe, a daughter of the sun god Helios. She got pretty pissed when a bunch of intruders showed up on her property, but instantly became overjoyed when she saw Medea's glowing sun-descendant eyes, and recognized a relative. Medea explained to her what had happened, and Aunt Circe cooked up some incantations and libations for the kids to chant and drink. It was mostly crap she got from reading Dianetics and using a kid's chemistry set, but it seemed believable enough that the gods, Jason, and Medea were pleased. The next day, they resumed their return journey.
The Argonauts had one more bit of difficulty to get through before they could return home. Since they'd been blown so far off course, they had to take a different return route, and had to pass the island of the sirens.
Mythological creatures much feared by sailors, and sometimes associated with mermaids, the sirens were beautiful women who lived on a rocky island surrounded by choppy, dangerous seas. They sang beautifully, so beautifully that they actually warped people's minds and made them insane. Countless sailors over the years had leapt to their deaths in the sea, trying in vain to reach the ethereal singing women. Jason heard the songs of the sirens in the distance, and immediately ran to find Orpheus.
He told Orpheus that until the ship had passed the island, he had to play and sing for all he was worth, or everybody on the Argo would die. No pressure. As the greatest singer and lyre player in the world, though, Orphy rose to the occasion. He played his best rendition of "Wrecking Ball", and all was well. The Argo finally docked in Ioulcos, and the crew dispersed, mildly annoyed that Jason had announced they would be paid in "the thrill of adventure". Soon, only Jason and Medea remained.
They went to Jason's uncle Pelias, carrying the Golden Fleece in their outstretched arms. Presenting it, Jason called, "We have brought you the Golden Fleece, now retire and give up the throne to me, as you said you would!"
Pelias shrugged. "Ehhh....no."
"WHAT? What do you mean, no?!"
"I don't wanna stop being king, you little shit."
"Why would you do this, after I fulfilled my obligation to you?!"
"I dunno. Cause I'm evil?"
As Jason huffed and puffed out of the palace, he caught Medea with a glint in her eye. "We're not giving up that easily," she said. "Listen, go relax. Stab a tiger or something. I will take care of this. I GOT this."
Medea found out from asking around that Pelias had children with Jason's mom after he was sent off to live with a centaur. He had three daughters, specifically. These girls, all teenagers, were...naive. Sheltered. Not very worldly. You know what? They were dumb. Just plain old dumb.
Medea offered her services to them, introducing herself as a girl who was, like, totally spiritual and could read their tarot cards and stuff. As she gave their reading, she remarked, "So your dad's getting on a bit in years, isn't he? Looks like he's got a limp and maybe a touch of the lumbago. I know of a cure for aging that makes old folks act young again! I could...demonstrate it for you, if you like."
The girls were naturally intrigued, so Medea got a big cooking cauldron, threw some magical herbs and spices into it, and brought out an old, arthritic ram. (She had not produced the animal from Hammerspace, she bought him at the market for a song. In case you were wondering.) Within moments of putting the ram into the cauldron, he leaped out, spry as a lamb! Squealing with delight, the princesses demanded Medea's potion, which she parted with for a handsome sum.
Of course, Medea was not interested in Pelias' lumbago at all, and she hadn't given his daughters her actual Youth Potion. Nope, she'd pretty much thrown some tumbleweed and coconut oil in a bottle and gotten paid for it. That night, Pelias' daughters filled a cauldron full of boiling water, tossed their dad into it, and then watched in shock and horror as he died a super agonizing death. They spent the rest of their lives wondering what went wrong, while staring directly into the sun and eating paint chips. Jason and Medea, with no obstacle left in their way, triumphantly took their rightful throne.
They ruled their kingdom awesomely, a decade filled with peace, love, and prosperity passed, and the royal couple had two fine sons to inherit their kingdom. And then, because Jason is a Greek hero, everything went to shit.
Jason got a bad case of the Seven Year Itch, and decided he could do better than his loyal, hot, loving, powerfully competent wife by banging a teenage princess. He got engaged to the daughter of the king of the neighboring region, and because Medea wasn't a moron, she found out about it. What with the huge engagement party and royal marriage announcement on every street corner and all. Being a king, no law could really prevent Jason from putting his wife aside for a younger model, but obviously it wasn't too cool of him.
Medea stormed through their palace, shrieking and sobbing, ripping her clothes, tearing her hair out, and begging her husband not to leave her for this princess. "How COULD you do this?! After all I did for you? I saved your life, multiple times! You never would've gotten back to Greece without me! You owe your fucking throne to me, you prick!!!"
Jason just shrugged. "I don't owe you shit," he said. "You did all that stuff because you fell in love with me. So, I ACTUALLY owe everything to Aphrodite, for making you fall in love with me." So, yeah. Jason knew his wife was capable of killing her own brother. He knew she would goad chicks into killing their own dad by boiling him alive. He knew she was a fucking sorceress. His wife was metal as fuck. And yet he still stuck his dick in that metaporical light socket.
The treachery and the mansplaining were all too much for Medea, whose eyes blazed with revenge as she mixed up a very special potion for her successor. She sent the potion to Jason's intended, including a note which read, "Please find enclosed a rare love potion! Pour it onto your wedding dress, and when you put it on your new husband will fall in love with you forever!" The princess, on the day of her wedding to Jason, eagerly followed the note's instructions. Well guess what, the potion wasn't a love potion at all. As soon as she put her wedding dress on, the potion reacted with her skin, and set her on goddamn fire. Jason's side piece burned to a crisp, along with his horny ambitions.
With Jason's plan to be a scumbag foiled, Medea continued losing her shit. When you piss off a metal chick, she doesn't just get revenge - she brings total destruction upon your world. Medea pretty much went insane, deciding that she couldn't stand to look at the children she and Jason had anymore. So she killed them. Yep. I mean, I can't even make a joke here, that's pretty heinous. From there, she transformed from a sorceress into a full-fledged malevolent witch.
For the rest of her life - and it was a long one - Medea flew around in a chariot pulled by fire-breathing horses, seeking out young lovers and harassing them by throwing lightning at them, giving them terrible hemorrhoids, or whatever. She became known as the ruiner of makeout sessions everywhere.
As for Jason, he never remarried. From this time onward, Hera deserted him because of his jackassery to Medea, as well as his disrespect for marriage. As he grew older, his ministers betrayed him, and usurpers took his throne from him. By the time he was 70, he'd been reduced to living on a beach, effectively homeless. When it rained, he took refuge in the wreckage of a broken-down ship which had long ago washed ashore - the wreckage of the Argo, long neglected and fallen into disrepair.
One day, as Jason napped in the shade of the Argo, a rotted piece broke off, fell on him, and crushed his ungrateful ass.
And there you have it, guys. Always remember to treat that special lady in your life with love and respect, especially if she knows how to do magic. Fuck up, and she might go on a murder spree followed by a cock-blocking rampage. And then you will be smushed by wood.
Well, I've only got one hero left to talk about in the Greek pantheon. Of course, I've saved the best hero for last. He's by far the most famous one. So famous, in fact, that Disney honored him with a woefully inaccurate movie about his life!
But that's another story.