Post Tinder

All I wanted to do was feel nothing for him. Now all I can do is feel nothing. It's never enough. I want more.

[posttinder-blog]

10 vs. 11

I don’t even have anything witty to say here. I’m pretty fucking irritated.  

So Ten, right? That’s family history of wealth and good health. Those two things don’t sound bad. I mean, I’m not interested in just that, but then again, I am. I just get this sense that he’s aware of our differences and has accepted them. He sees me, and is totally cool with sharing his time with me. I believed that to be sincere.

The way he goes about himself, there’s something about how poised he is. I want to involve myself with him just so I can have some motivation. No man like that wants to sincerely bring home someone like me long-term. He’s a sweet dude, so far. But I’ve seen the sweetest turn into the nastiest mother fuckers. Those are the ones I always end up with. They linger so hard that I just cannot trust anyone anymore. Like, I just fucking can’t. Saw a fucking meme that said “Pretty girls always have trust issues.” I think people in general should. People are deceiving as fuck. Ugh, I guess it’s kind of clear how I feel about Ten.

Then there’s Eleven. No man ever has an excuse not to text me ever again if this man is texting me from jail. Technology is crazy for allowing people to text through laptops. Nothing has been sexual. If anything, I was the one that voluntarily sent the leotard picture. No big deal though, no shame in my game.

We’ve literally talked nonstop since we first started texting. The only times we aren’t texting are when he’s at soccer practice and of course over the weekends when he can’t use his laptop. While we’re both working, we’re texting. Like one after another after another. I don’t have to wait long for him to reply back. I appreciate that. But then again, I already know how toxic it’ll be to be with someone nonstop like my last relationship. Speaking of which, you dead yet?

Yet, I’m really sad in all honesty. I’m actually pretty bummed if Ten doesn’t work out. So far, he’s said nothing. Just, nothing. How are you going to just do that? How can people just fucking do that?! It’s fucking rude. It’s such a coward thing to do. Be a man and tell me you’re not feeling it or you’re into someone else or whatever the reason may be. Fucking hate liars and cocky cocks that feel like they don’t owe it to the person. You know, thanks for your company? Thanks for all the good morning texts/butt pics? Thanks for holding my hand throughout the movies. Thanks for letting me hold you while you slept? The second fucking night we met?! Ugh, now I’m just getting mad.

I told myself when this all started happening that I’d probably be okay if one or the other decided to pull out. That would’ve made it easy on me to “decide” on which one to go with. But in all honesty? I’m bummed that that person may be Ten.  I’m literally about to close my eyes and just type it as I remember it.

Worst case scenario, he never surfaces again. It’s just sad dude. I just fucking loved the way he gripped me and held me. I loved the way he’d just casually reach over and hold my hand. I appreciated the fact that he didn’t expect me to talk a lot. He was totally okay with sitting in silence, just being in each other’s company. Jesus fucking Christ what did I do?! I even admitted how submissive I was towards him because of how he made me feel. Maybe he saw that as an advantage on his part. He can get what he wants and then toss it to the side until it’s needed again.

But I can’t forget about Eleven. He has 7 more weekends to complete. He says that he may have a free night from soccer sometime, and that he was trying to take off of work a couple of days. If he did, I told him I’d take off work as well. Fuck it. I can’t ever see him during the week because he kind of lives pretty far out. But the fact that he’s willing to skip work to be with me is so like high school. He brings me back to that era though.

We sent each other videos all day just talking random bullshit. His accent is so fucking sexy. Ugh, kill me! Knees buckle and everything.

But Ten....

[posttinder-blog]

This one’s gonna be long. There’s 2 seats involved.

So....yeah. About a week before I matched with Seat 10, there was another dude I matched with. Ironic enough that he was also a soccer player. However, this one was a professional player, paid and all. He was quite a ways away, about an hour to be exact, and he seemed really easy to get along with. He understood my humor, which I appreciate. We chatted back and forth on the app for a while. I mean, a while. We would suggest making plans but I was hesitant to actually meet up with him. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about the way he looked, or the fact that he had a minor case of Tourette’s. He doesn’t shout; he blinks hard. But yeah, the second I matched with Ten, I kind of just forgot about him. I’ll go in accurate chronological order for this one. 

So after my first sit-down session with Ten, we maintained a brief, casual “relationship” through text. Nothing really during the day. It was usually around the time he got off of work and it was a simple “Hey how are you?” text. I mean, nothing wrong with it. At least he did text me. I’m going to intentionally overanalyze this just to comfort myself. I mean, he worked a 12 hour day for like 3 days in a row. Every night that he came home, he could’ve just gotten into the shower and then straight to bed. I mean, I probably would, fitting the bowl in there somewhere. But yeah, he texted me every night just casually talking. I’m not even going to front, he got a lot of butt pictures, per his request. I’ll highlight one conversation that basically sums up how he feels. 

“I’m so exhausted. Long work day.”  “Yeah I bet! At least you can relax now.”  “Yeah I’m just on my couch.” “That thing will suck you in, for sure.”  “I wish you were here to sit on me.”  “Ha, oh yeah?” “Yeah. I’d rather get sucked into that butt of yours.” “Haha well that could be possible, but you’re tired.” “Yeah I really don’t have the energy. But I do want to see you. What about tomorrow? I’m off at 8.” “Yeah I can do that.”  “I’m going to leave bruises on your ass.” “That’s fine too.”  “I like how submissive you are to me.” “Well, I respect the role of a dominant so much.” “I like it a lot. A lot.” “(duh emoji)” “What kind of porn do you watch?” “It depends on my mood.” “Tell me what to watch.” “Look up Asa Akira. I love that dirty bitch.” “That’s so fucking hot. Zzz. Night.”

Somehow, I wasn’t nervous to talk about any of that with him. Usually I get a bit embarrassed, but nigga shit I don’t care anymore with him. At this point, I can’t help but imagine what life would be like with him in the long run. Could we potentially be together for a good long while? Or is this just like a fucking teen novel that ends 900 pages later? I’ll take 900 over 800 though. 

I’m trying to be real with myself though. I get the vibe that he’s just trying to have a consistent fuck relationship, which in all honesty I can deal with. However, I know that I feel hard and it’ll be devastating when it ends, especially with someone as dreamy as him. But who knows right? Maybe tomorrow when I actually see him I’ll feel different. 

I wake up and go to work, usual daily routine. No text or snaps at work from him. But this is where I start looking like the biggest fool. 

So I check my Tinder, just for shits and gigs and I see Eleven’s picture. I felt bad that I just kind of stopped talking to him. He was really friendly. Didn’t even suggest that he was trying to see me naked or anything like that. Ha, that’s how most of them lured me in though, like Nine! That nigga hinted at nothing of that nature. Then poof! He disappears into his stupid fucking k-hole. But anyways, I impulsively decided to message Eleven to just see how he’s been. Then, I realize I left my charger at home. Fml. And of course my 5s battery is shot so I asked if I could just text him because the app will eat my battery alive. He says yes and gives me his number. At this point, I’m not even wondering why I’m doing this. 

That whole day we were texting back and forth. He said he called out of work because he wanted to work on some school stuff and work out before practice. So we were just having random conversations. When we started talking about traveling, that’s when things got a little more intense, if that’s even the right way to word it. It wasn’t even sexual! It was just really cute. 

“You ever been on a cruise?” “Nope. I was always afraid of sinking.” “No way! Those ships are huge and up to par. I wanna take you on a cruise where you can sneak your weed on board and just chief in the room.”  “Aw that sounds cool! I’d be down!” “You ever been to Amsterdam?” “Nope, but I obviously want to go someday.” “I do want to take you there so you can smoke all the dank you’d like.” “That’s the sweetest gesture anyone has ever made towards courting me.” “It’s the truth. You seem like you’d be worth it.”  “Yeah? You do seem like you’d be a fun travel companion.” “Hey I’m so serious about traveling with you.” “Well, I partially am just because it costs money to travel!” “Yeah it does but you won’t have to worry about too much out of pocket expenses, especially if it’s for soccer.” “Aw right on! Well I have to at least get my passport.” “That’s a must, my dear. Ugh, I’m so ready for lunch.”  “Me too. I have Oreos and peanut butter.” “I think I love you. You’re like, perfect to a T. Peanut butter is my favorite.” “Yooooooo honet roasted crunchy?” “OMG I do love you.”  “You fucks with Nutella?” “Holy shit I make peanut butter, nutella, and banana sandwiches almost everyday. You’re perfect. So eager to meet you.” “Me too (kissy emoji)”

The unfortunate thing about Eleven is that he got into a bit of legal trouble and was having charges pressed against him for assault and battery. He got sentenced to weekends in jail. Weekends are usually my free days, especially since he technically lives in a neighboring state. I’m not making that drive during the week, especially when it takes me an hour and some change to get to work when it’s only 20 miles away. So, at this point, I’d just like to enjoy whatever conversation I’m able to have with him. 

Mind you, this whole time, I haven’t even really thought about Ten. 

I make it a point to slow down the replies with Eleven though. It’s time to go home and in a few hours, Ten may text me. I hate to make myself sound like I’ll drop anything for Ten, but that royal bloodline is intimidating and I don’t want to disappoint him. 

‘ding’ 

“Hey what’s up?” “Loungin’ around at home.”  “Yeah? You want to come over for a little bit?”  “I can do that. You gotta work early? I mean, you trying to go to sleep early?” “Not early early but definitely not too late.”  “Okay I’ll be there soon.”  “Just come in, I’m playing my game.” 

I’m not even going to lie. I’m REALLY stoned and am unintentionally moving so goddamn slow. Ugh, this is about to be the most nerve wrecking drive of my life. I’m trying to haul ass without getting pulled over, but I’m so fucking lifted I’m having a hard time maintaining 70mph. It probably doesn’t help that I’m bumpin’ DJ Khaled and I’m going ham in the car. But baby I’ll be there. 

Let me give a bit of background info. Ten mentioned that he liked heels. So what am I wearing? This sexy TopShop romper that drops so far down my chest it’s almost insane. My brother got me new shoes from his company so I wore those heels and bam! I’m a female again hahahaha but yeah, pure neck-breaker status. 

I walk in, slow and confident. I slowly walk down the stairs, turn the corner, and see him loungin’ on the couch. 

“What’s up girl? How was the drive?” “It was alright. Good day at work?”  “Yeah. Kids weren’t too annoying.”  “That’s good.” “Yeah but it was really hot out today. My skin is so burnt.” “Aw. Funny how much darker you are than I am.” “I know. We’re going to have to get you out in the sun.”  “I know. We should take a beach trip soon.” “We should.”

He puts his legs on mine and I start rubbing them. His facial expressions are telling me that I’m rubbing him the right way, so I’ll just keep doing this until he’s trying to stick it in me. 

His game comes to an end and he drops the controller. He puts out his palms, I put my hands in them, and he pulls me in towards him. We’re lip-locked, and I’m straddling him with my heels on. He starts kissing my chest, says I smell so good. He pulls my romper down to my hips, grabs my ass, and rocks me back and forth on his dick. He’s breathing so heavily onto my chest, practically biting my tits off. He says he loves them. They love you too. 

I hop off of him and pull his shorts down. I go down until my gag reflexes start acting up. His eyes are shut tight and he’s really trying not to finish. He pulls my head up and says, “Put that pussy on it.” Yes sir. I lay this ass on him like there’s no tomorrow, WITH THESE MOTHER FUCKING HEELS ON!

I sat on him until my knees started hurting, then I just rocked back and forth until he flipped me over and had me on all fours. He rams it in, no mercy. He takes little breaks and has me throw it back onto him. My back starts seizing, and then he’ll start back at it, pumpin’ away at it. He wraps his arm across my stomach and adjusts me so that my face is deep into the pillow and my ass is high up in the air. He’s ready to finish, and I got just the trick. I turned my head towards him, look him dead in the eyes and say, “Give me your cum.” He loses it. He lost it. It’s all over my back and ass, but at least he was gentleman enough to clean me off. I walk over to the bathroom, butt ass naked still. Ha, my legs are twitching. This shit is gnarly. I walk out, still naked in my heels, and sit down next to him. He takes his phone out and says, “Stand up again and don’t look at me.” Ha, what nigga? Oh you want to take a nude photograph? I got you. 

“I’m crushed now. Ready for bed. You have work tomorrow?”  “I do. I should go now anyways.”  “You can stay.”  “I could but I don’t have the right clothes for work.”  “What are you doing this weekend?” “Nothing that I know of. What’s up?” “My friends are coming to town. Maybe I’ll have you come out with us.” 

Then, he puts his hand on my thigh and says, “You’re cute.” Nigga, not as cute as you. Then he lifts his hand up and grabs my hand and embraces it. I think he likes me. Ha, sweet. 

On my drive back home, I look at my phone and saw I missed a text from Eleven about an hour ago. Hey man, sorry I was out. Hope you sleep sound.

At this point my mind is saturated with Ten. That dick is so good. That face is so good. It’s cute he holds my hand. He doesn’t seem like that kind of dude. 

Next day and the first one to hit me up is Eleven. 

“I have to report to jail tonight at 6 for the weekend :[”  “I’m sorry that’s so lame.” “Yeah but oh well. It’ll go by fairly quickly. How are you today?” “I’m alright.” I’m actually sore as fuck ahahahah  “That’s good. Ugh I don’t wanna go to jail. Please don’t forget about me. You’re basically my soulmate.”  “Ha I won’t forget about you.” “Plus I’ll be able to text you I think because they’re letting me do my school work while I’m there. I can bring my laptop and can text you from there.” “You lucked out!” “I know, but it’s still shitty I won’t be able to see you.”  “It’s okay. We got nothing but time.”

While I’m talking to Eleven, I sincerely forget about Ten. Not really forget but I just don’t care so much as to why he doesn’t text me during the day. He snapchats during the day! He can’t say hi!? But yeah, Eleven is getting more into me and I can tell it’s going to be hard to just disappear from him without hurting his feelings. I bet he wouldn’t care ultimately but at the same time, just knowing a part of him may be bummed is kind of sad. 

The connection I gather from Eleven is more real than the connection I have with Ten. With Ten, I feel like it’s purely physical. Eleven seems real friendly. I mean, he hasn’t hinted at anything sexual yet and we’ve been on and off chatting for almost a month! I mean, he says I look brilliant all the time. I think that’s a pretty cute adjective to use. 

So I’m pretty torn. Like, do I go with the one that makes me weak in the knees everytime he looks at me? Or do I go with the “best friend” kind of dude that eventually becomes my boyfriend? Fuck my life. I dug myself into a bad situation. I need to learn how to fucking think. 

Oh but then comes 2:30AM this morning and my phone rings. It’s Ten. 

“Heyyyy babyyyyyyyyy” “Hi babe” “It’s time to get up and come see your man.” “How drunk are you babe?” “We’ve been drinking for a while! Come on it’s time to get up and see me. I wanna see my lady come on. We’re going to have a good time! Can you get coke?” “I doubt it. You gotta go about 2 hours away to get it.”  “What?! Ugh I can’t have my Uber driver take me that far.”  “Babe I’m so sleepy I’m going to go back to sleep.”  “No no no baby I got a bed for you. You can sleep with me. We can go out, have a good time, go home, make love, and just be in love.” “Ha god you’re drunk. Okay well I guess let me call him and see if he’ll sell to you guys right now.”  “You know, you’re a good girl. You’re a really good girl. Your man likes that. You know your man likes that.”  “Yeah I know. I’ll call you back.”

I’m not calling my nigga. Why you dropping the L word like that? I know you’re drunk, but you need to know that that word weighs more than you think. I’ll at least call you back and say I don’t think he can do it. 

Now the whole I dug for myself just got deeper. If he acknowledges it later today when he wakes up, we’ll then take it from there. I just believe that drunk dials/texts have some bit of truth in it. Whether he loves me or not, he’s into me. So is Eleven. Fuck. Who’s more dedicated? Eleven is iMessaging me from jail and Ten is drunk dialing me, confessing his love to me after 3 weeks? 

[posttinder-blog]

Seat 10

I've endured this long without his company. I can endure another 24 hours if I have to. When I wake up, I can already guarantee that I'll have some sort of notification from him via iMessage or Snapchat. So stoked.

AND BEHOLD! There's his face at the airport with the caption "coming back home" at the bottom of the picture. I only have to wait for another hour or so until his plane lands.

'ding'

"Hey I finally have service so I can text you instead of using Snapchat." "Right on!" "Yeah. So what do you have planned today?"

…nigga. After we've been snapping this whole time, talking about what's about to happen the second we see each other. I already mentioned that I'd clear out my whole day for him, but I'll play dumb if you want to play dumb. I'm not doing shit.

"Well I'm just going to chill out at home if you wanted to come over." "Bet. I have a little bit of running around to do beforehand but I'll be there." "Okay cool. No rush. Except it is indeed a torturous thing to put me through." "Huh?" "I mean, every second I have to wait for you." "Ha I'll do my best to finish everything I gotta do fast." "Haha all good just poking fun."

Alright well let me at least get my toenails done. Don't want your royal highness to see my current situation.

I'm hauling ass to feed my animals and get my nails done and to the gas station and ughhhh I just want to sit on him! I've anticipated this moment since things started getting intense between us. In the midst of my running around, he texts me again asking how my errands are coming along. I know you just want me to sit on that dick. And that's totally fine. I'm almost done nigga I'll be on my way.

"I might pass out so if I don't answer just come downstairs." "Okay, well your neighbors are outside and they might think I'm breaking in." "Hahaha okay let me get a shirt on and I'll let you in."

…he has no shirt on? Omg.

No, he does.

"How was your week long vacation?" "I didn't do a damn thing! How was your family vacation though?" "It was fantastic. I'm mad I had to come back." "Well I'm not." "Ha well of course I'm glad I came back. You good with massages?" "Duh, I'm Asian." "Hahaha okay well my legs are sore. We all hiked up this mountain for about 12 miles so my legs are pretty sore." "I got you. Just lay down on the couch and rest your legs on mine."

We're small talking again, but he's making more eye contact with me. I usually don't make eye contact with people as attractive as him but goddamnit, somehow I can't stop looking at him. I just want to run my hands over his entire body, from his face to his abs to his cock to his thighs. Everything.

"I want to kiss you but I'm not sure I want to get lipstick on me." "I can take it off." "Ha no it's okay come here."

His lips are so soft, but his face is so rough with stubble. His hair, I'm running my fingers through it and it's so soft and clean. There's a certain texture to his hair. It's pretty identifiable. Then his hands go down my backside and starts removing my panties. Wait dude I gotta show you that my lingerie actually matches. I stand up in front of him, and slowly remove my dress over my head. His eyes, they're so big. He says, "Goddamnit you're so fucking hot." Then attacks me like a savage.

I'm not dumb. I know what dudes look forward to in this situation. So I savagely ripped his shorts off and put my mouth around him. Hearing the noises he was making only reassured me that I know a thing or two about the head game. I'm applying pressure all over it and letting him hear the force of suction on that mother fucker. I don't play any fucking games. He grabs my hair into a messy ponytail and pushes me up and down on his cock. Then rips me off of it and tells me to stand up in front of him, ass facing him.

He's got both of his hands on my ass, just shaking it and slapping it, telling me how nice of an ass I have. Ha! Thanks boo. Dedication and donuts. Now, sit on it.

I didn't even ease it in. I just straight sat down on him. I looked back and he's got his eyes closed. It looks like he's praying to the heavenly skies. I'll send him there in a second. I'm a professional at this. I bounce up and down on him for about a good 3-4 minutes until he picks me up and slams me onto my stomach. He uses his cock like a goddamn pencil, just drawing all over my ass and my legs. Then out of nowhere, he rams it in and I'm caught off guard. If anyone heard from outside, it would sound like a genuine rape. I'm playing "catch me if you can" with him and he's got the strongest grip on me. Like, little girl you're not going anywhere. I'm going to fuck you until my cock falls off.

Bet money.

He's pushing harder and harder, to the point where we're both screaming. Then kaboom, just like a missile.

"That was so good." "Omg, I know." "Seriously that felt so good you have no idea." "Oh I have an idea babe. Don't worry about that." "That pussy was so good." "Not as good as that cock. Nothing is better to a female than a solid cock." "Well, let me recharge and we'll go at it again." "Definitely down for that."

For the next 2 hours, we laid on each other watching some British movie about the Kingsmen and it turned out to be a really weird fucking movie. Then the screen goes black and we're just sitting there. He starts sliding further backwards, applying more of his weight onto me. I wrap my arms around him and brush the side of his face, going up to his hair. I want him to get an intimate feel from my touch. If I could radiate anymore good vibes through my fingertips, I would be summoned away to some mutant academy to channel my powers correctly or some bullshit.

Then this nigga pulls me down and I'm laying on my back right next to him. He says, "Ready for round 2?" Oh you know it.

He literally just rips my panties off and once again, rams his dick into me. I'm on my back with my legs in the air, and he's just pumping away. Jesus Christ. Holy fuck. This is like straight porn material. Why don't we have a camera going? Holy fuck. He's not stopping. His grip is so strong. I hope all those grip marks look good tomorrow morning.

Kaboom, like a missile.

"Now I'm ready for a nap." "Ha right? Me too. You got work too don't you?" "Kind of. I have some stuff to do for the start of tomorrow's camp." "Well I don't want to distract you." "I'll text you whenever I'm done with everything." "Okay bet."

He walks me to the door and kisses me on my forehead. He wraps his arms around me and embraces me fairly tightly. I pull away and I kiss him on his lips. I just love little kisses like those. He opens the door and hides behind it. He says, "One of my students is out there. I don't want her to see me like this." Haha okay, Sir.

I have to get rid of the idea of an instant boyfriend. But…is his exclusively mine? I can't bear the thought of sharing that dick. I cannot.

Overnight, he’s turned me into a sex addict. I mean, seriously. When’s the next time we’re going to be able to fuck? It better be soon. Because I can’t wait that long. I don’t have to be lonely if I don’t want to be. Plus, no one ever established anything between us. Once you make the move to claim me as your woman, then I’ll lose the others. No but seriously, I’m able to talk about sex openly today. So weird being able to have a casual conversation with someone about how wet I was while I was bouncing up and down on his dick. 

Ha right? Gnarly. 

[posttinder-blog]

Impatiently waiting for Ten, failed settlement with Eight.

Ten is off to the far Northeast for vacation. I’ve endured 8 days without him. Not even going to lie, he’s getting A LOT of nudes via Snapchat. Haha, maybe when PostTinder comes to an end...

I’m coming to realize that Ten isn’t here. What am I going to do? No dude. You’re not getting it. TEN IS NOT HERE. As Kevin Hart would’ve said, “Ball out.” I’m going to ski and sit so fucking hard. 

‘ding’

Oh hey Eight.

“Hola” “What’s good?” “Chillin. Imma be in town tonight. Tryna kick it?”  “I can. Where at?” “Same spot. Tryna hit the slopes too? We can split a ball.”  “I’ll throw in, yeah. Just hit me up when you get there.” 

I should probably recap though, publicly. Eight and I have been casually texting, about honest subjects. We talk about his relationship and he’s actively showing his young one on his Snapchat, and I know he knows that I follow him. We see each other for what we are: manipulators. Who really knows if they have an agreement or if he’s just doing this on the side. I can’t even judge now, because I definitely told him I’d make time for him even if Ten works out. I take that statement back anyways. 

No but seriously, Eight and I are able to just talk as friends. Chill, you know? He knows that I can twerk actually pretty well and he supports it in various ways. No lie either, he’s gotten a few videos that I didn’t even upload. He’s pretty cute though. It’s the manbun that gets me weak at the knees. #teammanbun

“Yo I just got off. I’ll be there in an hour.” 

I’m taking a ridiculously long and thorough shower. I need my hair to smell good. I need my skin to shine and feel like silk. I need my makeup to be on point. I just need to look as good as his girlfriend. I usually don’t envy girls like that, and I don’t even think that ‘envy’ is the right word. I just can’t be a legit hater and say she’s ugly because she’s not. She’s actually breath-taking. 

But then again, why am I even THIS pressed? I don’t want this nigga to be my boyfriend. If he’s doing this to her, a greek goddess, then I couldn’t even imagine what he’d do with me. Ugh, let me just put on this maxi dress I wore yesterday and call it a night. 

“I’m close. They’re just going to drop me off. So come whenever.”  ....oh so we’re going to fuck? OKAY. Sike. Knowing him, he’s not a soloist.

I arrive, he hugs me, leads me downstairs and of course, all his nigz are there. But oh hey, his cute Palestinian friend is there. I wish I swiped right to you instead. Mmm. I’m forreal though! He’s got long, thick dreads that he wraps up onto the top of his head, like a giant ass manbun. I fucking love it. And he’s so savage, walking around barefoot, playing soccer and shit. I somehow fucking love soccer players. Wow okay back to the subject. 

So we’re just all sitting there, slopin’ and smokin’. More people come through, more familiar faces. They’re all reminiscing about high school, loud as fuck. Yo, why is everyone yelling? I didn’t even go to their high school, so I’m just sitting there in silence. I can’t find anything funny because the volume of their voices makes me want to shoot myself. But forreal, I see his friend vibin’. I know he wants it, he’s just THAT good of a friend to not even try it with me. But yo, you trying to smoke a cigarette? 

...and he really is that good of a friend. Didn’t say shit, didn’t do shit. Whatever bra. 

At this point, Eight hasn’t done much, except hold the roach for me. He had me put my lips on his fingers. Ha, you sneaky fucker. Suave dohhhh! 

This is where it gets awkward. More people start coming through, including my ex-boyfriend. I’m not trying to sound full of myself, but I know for a fact that I was a big deal to him when we did date. I was 2 years older and he was big in the music scene in the area. Everyone knew us. We were a really hot, clashy kind of couple. Well, he came through and he looks good. I’m not even trying to sound like a whore. He just looks really well, healthy and all. Happy and all. 

I just felt so awkward because I mean, I came to kick it with Eight. They all knew that I was technically there with Eight. Then my ex-boyfriend comes through and now it’s just, kind of up in the air at this point. I don’t belong to anyone, so technically, it’s free game. So far though, my ex is wining. He keeps catching me looking at him and then notions me to go outside with him to smoke a cigarette. 

“It’s really good to see you dude. I’ve missed you. How have you been?”  “I’ve been alright. Just chillin’ at my parent’s house and working. How are you?”  “I’m great. Wow, it’s just really good to see you again. I never thought I’d see you again.”  “Oh ha well, here I am. It is good to see you again. You just seem so happy in your pictures and stuff.”  “Yeah man. I’m in a good place in my life and I feel like a totally different person. I think about the past a lot and wish I wasn’t so mean to you.” “Well, I wasn’t the nicest either, remember!” “Haha yeah you definitely stood your ground. You were bad back then. Can’t imagine what you’re like now.” “Ha well, I meet people like ------- off Tinder and find out they’re technically in a relationship. I’m apparently really good at that.”  “Hahaha whatever dude. Nah but we should definitely kick it again sometime. You can come kick it at my place nearby. I got the basement now.”  “Oh right on me too. I just bury myself in my cave most of the time, now that I’m not dating ----- anymore.” “Yeah that was a surprise cause uh isn’t he like a big time junkie? And he cheated on a bunch of my friends.”  “Yeah, in a nutshell.”  “Well fuck him. His loss. What you doing after this?”  “Honestly I was going to just go lay down. I’m kind of tired. It’s late as fuck.” “Yeah yeah I feel you. Well I’ll walk out with you. You park far?”  “Yeah in Egypt.”  “Hahaha I missed you dude. I’ll drive you over there.” 

We both walk inside and everyone surrounding the laptop, watching a music video with Eight and his crew. His friend has a camera and is filming people and holds the camera right at me. I tried to look as good as I could in those 3 seconds but for whatever reason, I got the vibe that that camera was on me for longer than I thought. Not even trying to sound like I’m full of myself. I’m really quite modest. I’m also just really ignorant and persistent. 

My ex is making moves to leave. Then another nigga gets up to leave. Then another. Then my ex looks at me and says, “You out too?” I mean, yeah I guess if you’re going to blow my spot up like that. I didn’t really say that but I tried to say it with my eyeballs. 

I make my round of hugs. First, Eight’s friend. He won’t even get up so I’ll just hug his hand in the most sexual way I can. Mmm. Then Eight looks at me and says, “Oh you’re leaving?” Yeah it’s late. I’ll see you again I’m sure. That was a sad hug. You just going to let my ex come in here and snatch me up?! You’re the one that invited me! Such a fucker stoner.

My ex invited me to go over to his place afterwards. I just wasn’t feeling it. I mean, I’m tired and I would’ve fallen asleep. Who knows. I’m only half sure he’d fuck me if I convinced him to. I might not even have to convince him. I can’t really repeat that. 

On my drive home, I felt compelled to text Eight and say that I felt awkward. You know what this nigga’s reply was? 

“Haha y”

Um, don’t be lazy please. Spell your words out. I said, “I just felt like I came to kick it with you and knowing him, he would hinder that.” “Yeah I mean, that’s kind of who he is lol” “Well it was kind of deep towards the end and I just couldn’t deal with that.”  “Lol all good.”

After that, I’m just over it with Eight. Plus, I have Ten to look forward to. He comes back in 4 fucking days. In 4 days, I’m going to get the brains fucked out of me. Fucking gnarly. 

[posttinder-blog]

Am I the only one?

Do you catch yourself thinking about the future? Like, in the beginning stages of dating. I’ve only been out with Ten for 2 nights and I’m already imagining myself in his rich family portraits wearing pearls in the historic parts of town. Am I strange for this? I can’t help it though! If I can’t picture myself with you for the next 5, 10, or for life, then I can’t be with you tomorrow or the next day. I’m just at that age where I date for a purpose. I think I’m over the whole seat thing anyways. It’s just more convenient for me to label them as such, so you know, I don’t hurt my own goddamn feelings in the end. But man, Ten’s eyes are so blue and his hair is so blonde. Can I get any more American than that? Oh but his family has a castle overseas still. I’ve always wanted to get married in a castle…

[posttinder-blog]

Recapping for my own advantage

I lost my system! I gotta get back on it. So, I left off at I believe 7? 

Eight, eight, eight. The one with the girlfriend and the “mutual agreement” that they could sleep with whoever they wanted as long as they didn’t know. Um, go fuck yourself. 

Nine, nine, nine. He was cool. REAL fucking cool, and then he disappears because it’s too much of a coward to tell me that he’s still in a relationship and has a problem with taking prescriptions for animals. Cool. 

Then ten. Let me fucking tell you about ten. 

So Wednesday I get a match and it’s some dude that looks like the total opposite of me. However, he said it’d be interesting to connect with someone like me. He said, “Maybe I need a chill girl in my life, versus a girl that’s always trying to do something.” What can I say? I’m a hardcore chiller my friend. So he comes up with the last minute idea to go to the beach for the weekend. Hey man, I’m totally down to go to the beach with you. 

“Really?” “Yeah I mean, why not? I used to live there. I don’t get bad vibes from you.” “That’s pretty awesome that you’d want to go with me.” “Why not? Spontaneity makes life a little more endurable.”  “Well let’s plan to hang out tonight then so we can make sure we don’t rape each other.”  “Ha right on alright I’ll let you know what the deal is after work.” 

I tell all my friends at work what just happened. They’re all concerned about me traveling with a stranger 3 hours away for the weekend. I mean, I feel like I’m the only one that doesn’t think this is weird. I mean, think about it. If, as strangers, we can last a weekend together, then there might be hope for establishing some kind of connection. To be honest, I’m so stoked that I can’t even think about work anymore. 

I jet early and meet up with him at his place and holy dick. This place is shwanky as fuck. I’m talking like, housemaid and shit. My voice echoes throughout the house. He smells nice. His eyes are SO blue. Blonde. Mmmmmm. Skinny. Mmmmmm. 

The whole time we just kicked it, literally just kicked it. Nothing big happened but conversation. He thinks I’m showing true colors, versus the last girl he met off of Tinder. Small talk and all. I can get down with this dude, even though he’s so opposite. Maybe that’s what I need/maybe that’s what he needs. See you tomorrow? 

So we don’t end up going to the beach because of the weather. It was so gnarly. So instead, we kicked it at his place and I simply fell asleep. He held me for a long while. Didn’t fuck or anything, but just held each other. 

I like that he just straight up tells me what he’s looking for. It doesn’t sound ridiculous, but I know there’s some things I can’t continue to do, like smoke and ski. But if he’s worth it, then fuck it. I don’t need those things anyways. 

I just need to get out of this “instant boyfriend” mindset. I can’t expect a text 24/7 from him. I have to act like I don’t care. Fuck. This is what I put myself through with monogamy. 

[posttinder-blog]

I need to actually learn

Continuously jinxing myself when feeling these connections. I’m jumping into these things without closing previous chapters. So this is most likely going to be an outrageous rant. 

So Five texts me throughout the week, sporadically. He says things like “I had so much fun with you” or “I miss you” and all that bullshit. Ugh now I’m just getting mad. Nigga, if you’re vibin’ me and you let distance get between that, then you’re a fucking coward. I understand the need for people with those kinds of connections to want to be together all the time. I get it. I have an addictive personality, so whenever I start dating someone, I always want to be around them. Like, always. With Five, I know that I can’t do that, but I would cherish whatever moment I had with him, whether it was a weekend or one day or whatever. I guess you can’t just get that. I guess you just can’t fucking get that, even though I think I’m willing to admit that I want you to get that. 

No fuck that. That’s a game I’m setting myself up for. 

Then let’s talk about the ghost, the one that just straight up disappeared. Well, he ended up reaching out to me via FB, saying that he dropped his phone and had to get a new one and couldn’t find a way to reach out to me. Then a few days of solid communication, and then he ghosts again! 

Look. I appreciate a man that can be straight up honest with me, whether it’ll hurt me or not. To me, a man that can share heart-breaking news to my face is someone I want to fuck with, because I know they’d rather me know the truth and get hurt versus the opposite. I mean, I’m not saying I want to be with someone that likes to see me cry or whatever. I don’t even like crying to begin with. But yeah, I just got this gut feeling that he wasn’t into me and didn’t know how to tell me that. Goddamn coward. Just tell me the goddamn truth! I’m a big girl. I don’t have to be lonely if I don’t have to be. 

Then there’s this boy from multiple states away that has been constantly texting me, even after we matched on Tinder and even after his tour ended. Perhaps I should just have a boyfriend in multiple states. At least I can make some gnarly map display out of it with thumbtacks and string. One day I’ll just take over the world hahahaha I mean, I’ll have strings everywhere. Establishing emotional connections with mates all over the world. 

....either that or I’m just sending pictures of my butt to people all over the world. Whatever. I take care of my shit. I know that it looks good....to the right people. 

AND THEN THE BUSTER WITH THE GIRLFRIEND! This nigga texts me asking why I’ve been ignoring him. UM, BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU IGNORANT MOTHER FUCKER! What makes you think that I’d want to lay in bed with you, or let you take me out, or be seen in public with you?! I don’t want to be “your’s” because you yourself aren’t loyal. Your girlfriend is hot as fuck so what do you want with me?! I don’t know what the fuck he wants. Sending me random ass snap chats and telling me how much he admires my twerkin’ capabilities (yeah...i’m a boss with it for being small-framed). I just don’t get it. 

If that wasn’t enough, the original dude that caused me to even download the fucking app has been texting periodically. I feel a certain way about it. As much as I wanted things to work between us, shit happened. Life happened, you know? A lot of time passed from the time we split to the present. Been with a lot of different people since then. My feelings have kind of fallen off the face of the earth for him. I mean, love doesn’t really have a past tense so I do believe a part of me loves him. Shit, a part of me still loves his child, for sure. I was around his kid a lot and I learned to love him as much as I love my godchildren. It’s just....ugh. Now that he’s head over heels for me again, I can’t seem to shake him off. I’m almost annoyed with him. He keeps saying how much he misses me and how he still loves me. I know him. He wants me to say that I miss him and love him still. You’re not going to get that out of me, because I don’t think it’s you that I miss/love. I think it’s your kid. Sorry, but not. You broke my heart and put me through that hopeless trance. You kind of started this whole thing. Or, well, influenced it at least. 

But he’s not the main one bothering me. It’s the most recent relationship I had, the one that almost got me to abandon this whole outlet. He’s still haunting me! 

Someone in my past told me that psychologists believe that it takes about half the time you spent in that relationship to get over that individual. I was technically only with him for what, a month a some change? It’s been about a month and yet I still hold onto the memories that we shared. I still get nervous whenever I drive near his work. I still refuse to take the shorter route home just so I don’t have to see him, or see his stupid new girl in what I thought was MY goddamn seat. I still refuse to cut through his neighborhood to get to mine. It’s a quicker route, and yet, I’d rather go around the whole goddamn city just to avoid seeing him. 

Like, what’s wrong with you? Do you truly believe in all of your lies? All those things you told me, were they all lies? I bet they were. It all makes sense now. That girl that was supposedly your ex was probably not even technically your ex, just yet. It all fucking makes sense. If someone had a crazy ex like that, most of the time, they’d just ignore them. Why you kept texting her, I’ll never know. Ugh, it doesn’t even matter because I know I’m better than you. 

I don’t have to lie about who I’m seeing. I’m not greedy. I don’t have to sleep with multiple people WHILE being in an exclusive relationship with someone else. I don’t have to hide behind shit. At the end of the day, I’m fucking better than you and I hope you fucking know that. I’m a little sad that your conscience hasn’t killed you yet, honestly. Actually, I’m more sad to hear that you’re not in jail yet. I should call your probation officer and tell her everything about you. I want to ruin your state of mind the same way you ruined mine. Although it was only for a short time period, it still fucked me up and I don’t think I’ll ever fucking forgive you. if I ever see you again, I just simply won’t acknowledge your existence. Someone that lies on your level, well, has no real soul. You have no soul? Then you don’t feel anything real. No soul, no true feelings, no truth, no being. A ghost has more substance than you do. A fucking ghost! 

I do feel a little better. But not really. This lone wolf life just gets lonely and these emotions? It’s just a bit intense at the moment. I guess I just miss having that companion, connection, emotional bonding, adoration, all that. When someone asks for butt pics, that’s not the kind of adoration I’m looking for. 

I don’t know. Maybe I should just work on closing the previous chapters. Maybe once I learn to properly deal, I can properly stroll forward. 

.....but in the meantime this really cute guy just messaged me on Tinder. Heyyyyyyyyy <3

[posttinder-blog]

Row 3, Seat 5

I usually never have a problem finding tree, but for whatever reason, I was having a hard time finding it on Saturday. It was so dry around my neighborhood to the point where I had to mentally venture out to a different state to get some greenery. Why the fuck is it this hard?! Oh but Five is out there and I know he’d be able to find me some shrubs. 

Without thinking much I just send a text asking if his connections were all out in his area. 

‘Ding’

“Yeah but I can get rid of some from my stash when I get off of work tonight.” “Okay what time?” “Like 9:30PM” “Alright just hit me up.” 

I had 2 hours to waste. Those 2 hours went by slow

as fuck. 

‘iPhone ringing’

It’s him. Why is he calling me? No one calls me like that unless it’s something important. Hello? 

“Hey! I just found out that my parents went out of town so I have the place to myself.” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah I mean, you’re welcome to come sleep over as long as you’re okay with waking up really early in the morning.” “Yeah I can do that. I don’t really sleep much anyways.” “Alright cool. Well just let me know whenever you’re close.” 

Ha, good thing I shaved my legs and everything within those 2 hours I had to wait around! 

The drive was familiar. I’m almost ready to navigate myself there without the help of Google maps. But I did ask for the address just in case I was too stoned to accurately navigate myself. But you know, I was thinking, does he ski? I don’t think he does because I feel like he would’ve said something when I mentioned it a while back. I vaguely remember him saying it was a shame that I got on that stuff but then again, I don’t really remember so who really knows. I’ll just make him talk about it at some point, because he’s more than welcome to ski with me. 

‘Ding’

“Where you at?” “About 25 minutes away now.” “Perfect! See you soon.”

Yes you will. I’m straight up Tokyo Driftin’ it to you, nigga. All these spots look so familiar. 25 minutes is going to go by so fast.

And it did. Walk your skinny ass to me. 

“My friends are about to come through and pick something up.” “Okay well in that case I’ll smoke a cigarette then.” “Ha alright. How’ve you been?” “I’ve been decent. How about yourself?” “Yeah same. Can’t complain about having money in my pockets now.” “I feel you on that.” 

Then this little black car comes rolling up his street, loud as hell. It sounds like a bunch of white dudes in the car. Lord behold, it is a bunch of white dudes. It’s like a dream come true for me. Fucking love them. The driver leans forward and says, “Hey” in a flirty kind of way. So I say it back the same exact way he said it. Five goes over to hand them a small SD card and as they’re pulling off, all 3 of the boys look at me through the window and say, “Bye” in the same flirtatious manner as the driver who said, “Hey” first. So what did I do? I said it back the same exact way. I’m going to make sure I haunt all you mother fuckers, even if I’m about to sit on your friend in a few minutes. 

“Ha, they think you’re so fucking hot.” “Well I think it’s flattering that they think that.” “Well you are, end of story. You want to come in?” “No ------, I just want to sit outside.” “Ha such a fucker. Come in and we can smoke.”

I just go straight to his room to set my bag down. Then he calls me out to the kitchen for something to drink. We’re sitting down at the kitchen table and we start talking about the random drug findings we’ve come across at one of his skate spots. I mention skiing and he misunderstood me. 

“I’ve only had one omelet and I didn’t like it.” “Ah but you’ve never been on the slopes?” “Oh like the girl? I love the girl.” “Me too.” 

At this point, I’m not even going to say anything. I’m just going to bring it out to the table. 

“HOLY SHIT YOU JUST GO SO MUCH GNARLIER THAN BEFORE! OH MY GOD YOU’RE THE FUCKING SHIT!” “Ha, I know.” 

Now we’re bonding, and I can tell that he’s getting the good end of the deal. Dis nigga not going to sleep anytime soon. So to get you tired, can we burn again? Oh, and do you have anything I can sleep in? I can’t sleep in these jeans. They’re too goddamn tight. 

I step out of the room for just a few minutes and come back to an outfit laid out on his bed. That’s so fucking cute. Alright so let’s just get in bed and do what we do so we can sleep. I probably won’t even sleep but hey, I’ll lay in bed with you holding me, if that’s even your speed. 

His fingers brush through my hair. He starts saying how much he missed me. Then he casually rolls over on top of me and kisses me, insatiably. Savages. If he could get closer to me, I’d want him to. Then he slams his hands right over my neck. FUCKING SAVAGES. Now it’s like a game. Who’s angrier? This is the only game I’m okay with losing in. 

He kept saying, “This looks too good not to film.” And I mean, I would’ve let him but at the time I wasn’t feelin’ it. I mean, I don’t even know what he thinks of me to be 100% honest. I want to say he’s into me and would consider dating me if we didn’t live so far away, but it’s hard to say because he’s always talking about taking girls out and shit. I don’t want to have to compete. That’s not my style and I don’t share shit. 

He literally rolled over and held me for the next 3 hours. I don’t remember sleeping honestly.

In summary, he woke up and rushed to get ready. He gave me two hugs goodbye and then we both went our separate ways. I smiled for the remainder of the weekend. And now here I am at work, getting paid to professionally shred paper. Fucking awesome. 

I can’t wait to see you again though. You’re like, the closest thing I have to a consistent dude. A good dude. Honest intentions. A heart and a soul that’s not made out of paper. There’s substance there and I need that around me. Who knows? With you, I may not have to ski so much.

[posttinder-blog]

I’m over it, and I’ve decided on my plan.

“What?!” “How did I not see you?!”

Buster, we matched like a few weeks ago. I mean, I’m not expecting a whole lot of something but then again, it’s cool I guess that you acknowledged the fact that we matched in general. Not. 

So this dude’s features make me uncertain. Somehow though, my thumb automatically swiped right. I mean, what do I really have to lose? We could never meet and it’d just be an online thing. Or, an in-app thing. His hair is pretty fucking long and wavy, but he clearly puts it up in a bun. Let me tell you. I AM A SUPPORTER OF THE MAN BUN. Oh, and he dresses pretty well. Might be a little flashy, but at least he can put himself together fairly well. 

“Where you stay at?” “WB. And you?” “Oh I’m always there! I stay closer to DC.” “Ah, right on.” “Whenever I’m there though, would you like to kick it?” “We can.” “Cool. What are you doing tomorrow? I might be there for this weekend coming up.” “Just working. But yeah, I’m down to chill.” “Alright cool I’ll hit you up if you wanna give me your number?” “Alright bet.” Tomorrow comes with the ‘Ding’ “Hey! So, what do you like to do for fun?” “Ha, I’m kind of a stoner, and a hardcore chiller.” “Ain’t nothing wrong with that! We can smoke and chill then.” “I’m all about chillin’ and smoking.”

Then he proceeds to the small talk. Well, turns out, I don’t even have to work anymore. Long story short, there ain’t shit for me to do at the office. So homedude, I’m off actually. 

“Well, do you wanna kick it this afternoon? I’m going to my boy’s house right by you.” “Okay. I don’t have any plans so sure.” “Here’s the address. See you soon!”

Oh fuck. What do I wear? He looks like he knows a thing or two about fashion. Let me not show up looking like a bobo. But do I wear something tight? Hmm, yeah I don’t feel so bloated today. And I shaved my legs? Oh I’m feeling like a neck-breaker right now. Let me put on this tight ass AA dress and call it a day. Oh fuck. I didn’t put any eyeliner on this morning. Eh, I’m lazy. If he fucks with it now without the makeup, then I might fucks with him on a longer-than-temporary basis. 

Nigga is literally a hop and a skip away. Fuckkkkkk I’m nervous though. Come out and get me you idiot. 

….and there he is. He looks just like his pictures so I’m not even disappointed. He’s a lot less uh, jewy? 

So we’re sitting around in his friend’s room and then my snow dude calls and says he’s home. I gotta run out and get something and I’ll come right back? Sorry he’s just now getting back to me. 

“Alright well, we can drive you if you want?” “Who’s we?”

His friend shouts, “I’m coming up!” He comes inside the room and he looks SO much better. More savage looking, and I dig it. Thanks for the offer but I don’t think it’ll help just because he knows what my car looks like. Y’all can just hop in my car. 

Nothing too wild happened in the car, but let me just say, they both look really good in my car. 

His friend says, “I have to pick up my friend from work and bring him here. I guess y’all can chill here while I go scoop him.” 

We both look at each other and shrug our shoulders. I mean, whatever happens happens. However, I can tell this nigga is STONED. Like, stoned to the mother fucking bone, nothing wrong with that though! We can just do this small talk bullshit, until they come back! 

His friends are loud as a mother fucker, passing around the snow like it’s open to everyone to ski on. Fuck you. It’s not. That’s mine, and you all should know that I’m practically sponsored by Burton at this point. 

One of his friends suggests that we go upstairs. Okay, let’s all chill in that tiny ass room where there’s nowhere for all of us to sit. Then my dude looks at me with this weird “I’m going to seduce you” kinda face. Okay, I fuck with it. 

“You want to sit down?” “Ha, sure.” 

He gets up and puts his hand on my lower back and pushes me towards the couch. Okay, he made the first move. Then his friends start talking about going to some party. Okay, y’all can go. I don’t do that really so I’m just going to go back home. 

“Aw, you sure? It’ll be fun! Come on!” “Nah I gotta get back. My mom’s at home all by herself.” “Aw well you’re sweet. I’ll at least walk you to your car.” “Alright bet.” 

He stands by my front door and says thanks and all that jazz and then hugs me. It was a crappy hug. Then he walks away looking all sad and frumpy. I say, “What? Why you walking away like that?” Then he turns around and slowly makes his way back to me. He gets closer and closer and closer and then he’s an inch away. Like some slick shit, he leans in and locks lips with me. Not bad dude. Not bad at all. 

Then I get home and he’s still texting me, asking what I think about him and saying that he’d like to hang out again. But I have this weird gut feeling that he’s not telling me everything. 

Let me just say that I’m not stupid. I’m NOWHERE near stupid. I’ll find things out before you even know I’m on the hunt for something. Lord and behold, I find out he’s dating some girl that I actually know. THAT I ACTUALLY KNOW! You think you’re fucking slick? Go fuck yourself. 

So let’s fast forward a bit. I haven’t replied to any of his messages since I found out all that later that same night. Then a few days go by and I haven’t heard shit until I hear the notification. 

‘Ding’

“Why are you ignoring me?” “Honestly dude? Because you’re dating my homegirl.” “It’s a long story but she doesn’t care. She just can’t know about you.” “Why?” “Because she’ll get jealous.” …..WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?! THIS IS CHEATING!!!! I fucking hate everyone. 

I feel like society has made dating much more complicated than it has to be. It really doesn’t have to be this way. It used to be so simple. Now there’s formulas and shit for the perfect relationship. I’m a Pisces, number one. You’re not going to be able to figure me out, mother fucker. 

So I’ve pretty much decided that I’m going to just have a “boyfriend” all over the nation. Technically, I’ve already gone international with this shit. All I need is a bomb map, thumbtacks, and some string. Yo, this is about to be the prettiest map ever.

[posttinder-blog]

Withering as quickly as it started

“Want to come do a whole lot of nothing with me?”  “Duh”

I arrive just as he’s pulling up next to me. Ugh, that face is so fucking cute. He’s so skinny, almost TOO skinny. But then again, I fucking dig that too. Hmm, is this going to be the day we actually make moves on each other? I can’t even predict with him. 

“Want to watch a movie?” “I’m down. Surprise me.”  “Ahh well, how about something funny?”  “I can dig it. We can geek out!” “Hell yeah. I’m stoked now. It’s nice to see you again.”  “Aww it’s always nice to see you.” “Right on, girl.”

I just set my bag down on what I’m deeming “my spot for my purse.” I sit on the side of the couch I’ve sat on the last two times. He takes a seat next to me, a little closer this time. We’re about a couple inches apart. He leans forward to break out the goods and starts talking about his day. Huh? Oh did you have a good day? Sorry, you’re just so good looking. Is this where I do it, though? He’s leaning forward. All I have to do is rub his back and make my way to his neck. 

...but then again, fuck it. He should be the one to make that move. I’ve made it known that I’m attracted to him. He doesn’t need anymore hints, I don’t think. If he does, then well, dis nigga dumb. 

You know what? I’m actually so fucking mad I can’t even write this in present tense. We sat through the fucking movie without touching. He didn’t even try. Maybe he did and I didn’t pick up on it, but nigga, just touch me. A hand on a leg. A hand on a hand. Or just straight up turn my head and kiss me. I mean, it’s been this long. Maybe he’s just not diggin’ it like I thought he was. 

“Oh hey I uh, made you something.” “You....made me something?” “Yeah I hope that’s not weird.” 

He put on the table a wire-wrapped antique. It was definitely one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. I should’ve kissed him then maybe but, I mean, I was just smiling ear to ear. That was the most thoughtful notion, you know? If you have a spare spoon, I have no problem wrapping you one as well. 

“Really? I actually do have another spoon.” “Next time I see you I’ll be sure to give that to you.” “I’m so stoked! Ahh this is so cool. We actually have a lot in common.” “Yeah. We’re almost identical, which I hope works out in our favor.”  “Haha why not? You’re good peoples.” “I try to be.”  “You are.”

His phone rang and it was his friend claiming he was locked out of his car and needed help. He ends up offering to chill again another time and to go help his friend out. I was kinda bummed but I felt somewhat sure that we’d hang out again. 

AND THEN I NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN!!!! Now I’m about to start snapping off. 

I made this fucker’s spoon. I wrapped it and got inspired to start doing more with my time. I fucking have the spoon he gave me AND the fucking spoon I wrapped for him! Don’t even have the decency to say anything. I mean, I literally have not heard from him since that night. He’s not dead, because (not to be a creep) he’s definitely been active on FB. 

Like, what the fuck is going on?! I can’t find something decent. It feels decent at first, and then I start to get starry eyed and then BLAOW! I’m back to being alone and unwanted by no one that I actually want for myself. 

What makes me mad was that he was so nice. I mean, exceptionally nice. He was always apologizing for things that he didn’t need to apologize for. I think he sincerely tried really hard to impress me, even for being the stoner he was. He didn’t have to try that hard though. I never really use the word “charm” but I mean really, his charm was what lured me in. And then he just fucking disappears. I’m a big girl. All you have to say is that you’re not feeling it. If you’re not that kind of person, then you can drop hints or something! But to just up and go without saying anything after we had bonded a bit over the last few days in person, and for a few days over Tinder. You invested time into getting to know me. Now all you have is a memory that I hope you come to realize is special. Hope you eventually see a picture of my butt and regret your actions instantly. 

I can tell he’s going to haunt me. Like, I got tricked again. Am I the fool? Perhaps so. 

[posttinder-blog]

Already have me moving each individual ass cheek

“I got tricked by my job. I gotta work tonight but how about afterwards?” “It kind of depends on time.” “Like 9ish?” “Eh, that might work.” “Honestly if that’s too late I totes understand.” 

...fucking totes and Six and butt sex man. But nah dude, it’s straight. 

“Cool. Well what are you up to?”

Okay. I think it’s actually really fucking cute that he seems like he’s actually interested. Like, do you really care to know what I’m doing right now? OR! Could you just be trying to keep the conversation flowing? Ha! He’s vibin’! But I’m just chillin’ hard, you know me. 

“Lol ain’t nothing wrong with chilling. That can never get boring.” “Indeed! Comfortable and situated and have everything I like to do in front of me.”  “Right? Ugh, I don’t want to go to work.” “Aw I’m sorry!” “Well at least I have something to look forward to when I get off.” 

Oh he went there. Ha! Duh. But that’s awful sweet of you dude. Definitely comfortable around you. Don’t think I could get annoyed with you anytime soon. 

“Yeah definitely. I don’t think you could ever get annoying to me.”  “Ha right on!”

He’s technically got only a few more hours. Lemme just bullshit until then. Ugh, but what do I do with myself? This is what I don’t like. I meet someone right? And get completely engulfed by them. And then we split, and now I’m lost. I had a routine and now it’s interrupted and I’m still adjusting. I’m a long-term adjuster. 

“I’m gonna grab something to eat and I’ll text you when I’m about 5 minutes away from my house.” “Otay.”

I’m not even going to lead you on. Another night just sitting side by side, no moves, nothing. But I can tell he pays attention to me. I can dig it. ‘Til next time, homie. 

[posttinder-blog]

Someone bring me back to ground level

We’ve literally texted back and forth since I gave him my number. One ‘ding’ after another. I don’t even want to turn it off because this shit sounds cute. 

But you gotta remember dude. Shit should look familiar by now, right brah?!

He’s asking questions that have nothing to do with sex, at all! Name your top 5 bands/musicians. What are you allergic to? What’s your dream job? What do you actually like to do? What do you do at work? I mean, there’s plenty of opportunity to steer the conversation in that direction but no one’s going to make that move, so it seems. I mean, I’m not! 

“So when do you work usually?” “I work 9-5 basically.” “Oh damn, I usually work at nights. I can’t do the mornings.”

....so basically what you’re saying is that we won’t be able to chill as hard because our schedules are literally opposite of each other. I get off at 5pm, he goes in at 5pm. Okay well, I mean, you ever get days off or you a workaholic? 

“Lol I just started this job so I don’t know my exact schedule just yet. But I know I work tomorrow evening at 5pm.” “Ahh well alright. I mean, there’s always the weekend unless you work those too.”  “I do work weekends but it’s usually a day shift.”  “Ah right on.” “Hey! I say the same thing!” “Ha small world!” “Well I mean, what are you doing later tonight?” “Hmmm a whole lot of nothing. I’m kind of a chiller, you know?”  “Oh don’t worry I am too. Well, you wanna chill?” “Right now?” “In like 30?” “Bet.” “Alright here’s my address. I’ll see you soon!”

So, this is happening right? Holy fuck. Uhh, I need to shave my legs. Do we go with all black or colors? Do we do something tight or something casually loose? Do I wear a dress? No way not when it’s still breezy at night. Well, do I wear sandals? Ew, no. My toes look crazy. Uh, fuck. I didn’t even do my laundry. Fuck fuck fuck. All I have are these black jeans! Ugh, fuck it. If I have to try hard for anyone at this point, it ain’t even worth it. You can’t get down with me at 60%? Then we can’t get down period. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it. 

Oh, you’re only 15 minutes away? Right on. And it’s an easy fucking drive. All I have to do is take 2 main roads and I’m there. Even when I’m not riding dirty, I still feel sketch on the last main road though. Ugh, whatever. 

“Text me when you park.” “Okie dokie. Almost there.” “Cool. I’m totes stoked.”

...ugh Six used to say “totes” all the times. Like, it’s totes cool for you to stay over. It’s totes cool to have butt sex. Fuck you Six. 

Um, I’m here?

Oh. Hey there. You actually look REALLY good. Skinnier than your pictures but I fucks HARD with it. Like, HARD. 

“Make yourself comfortable. My spot is in the basement right around the corner. I’m going to get a drink, would you like something?”  “Hmm a water?”  “You got it.”

I’m walking down and just remembered....DIS NIGGA SAID HE HAD SNAKES! Yoooooooooooooo how did that just fly right over my head?! I’m like, shaking!

“Ha, scared of the snakes?” “I mean yeah dude! I’m like, legit afraid of those fuckers.” “It’s all good. They’re not for everyone, but they’re tucked away so you don’t have to worry about them.” “Alright cool.” “I don’t really have anything planned but I kinda feel like going somewhere. You wanna just take a drive with me?” “Ahh okay?”

So we’re going down this road I know a little too well. This road has crazy turns and bends. Lots of people have had accidents on that road, and we’re driving down it like maniacs! 

“By the way, you don’t have to be scared. I’m a very responsible driver and I know this road fairly well.” “Haha if you say so. It’s thrilling though. Like a roller coaster forreal!” “Haha I know! I love it.”

....but I’m about to piss myself because I really am scared. 

“Sorry if that was too much. I know we just met technically.” “It’s all good dude. I mean, I’m pretty chill about a lot of things.” “Ha, yeah I can tell, which is awesome.” “Haha, I do my best to be low maintenance and easily approachable and all that jazz.” “Well, you probably don’t need to try so hard I bet. You seem like good peoples.” “I’d like to think I am.” “Wouldn’t we all though, right? Hahaha well you wanna watch a movie or something?” “Yeah we can do that. I do have to work tomorrow morning so I’ll have to jet after.” “All good. We’ll find a movie back at my place.” 

Tall, skinny, long haired mother fucking stoner. I’m going to jump you the second you let me. Like, I promise you booboo. 

But forreal though he’s pretty rad. He’s looking through movies and trying to suggest stuff but we so high we can’t even decide on anything. Fuck it, let’s just watch Adult Swim and geek out at that. 

“Yooooo you fucks with Aqua Teen?” “Duh!” “Ha, you get cooler by the second.”

I really do fucks with Aqua Teen, doh. 

But he not making any kind of move. Matter of fact, we’re sitting a good 2 feet apart. No sign of inching closer or anything of that nature. I think this dude is forreal being modest. He even mentioned that he doesn’t like cussing in front of a lady because it’s rude. Well then nigga shit. I’ve been a rude ass mother fucker all night, and I don’t even care about it. YOLO THAT! But it is getting kinda late and I should be getting back home. 

“Alright well, I definitely appreciate your company. We should definitely kick it again soon.” “I’m down. Just let me know whenever you’re free to do so.”  “Oh I definitely will. I’ll walk you out.”

....oh and here are his parents. Why aren’t y’all asleep? 

“Oh this is my mom and dad.” 

*Everyone waves and says hello*

His mom though....BAHAHAAH! She says, “Oh I think we’ve met before, right?”

New dude says, “Um, how awkward.” He opens the door and lets me walk out first, then follows and shuts the door behind him. He says, “Sorry about that. I really don’t even know who she could be talking about.”

“It’s cool dude. No worries.” “But yeah, thanks for coming by. Drive back safe.” “I will. Hit me up.”

And then we hug it out, but it was brief. Almost like a friend hug. Ha, so foreign. I need to get back in the groove of this shit. Maybe society is the way it is because people make it out to be that way. Like, when people say “you can’t date someone unless you have sex with them first.” I thought I believed that, but in reality, maybe it’s because everyone’s just hot and bothered?! 

I mean, I’m hot and bothered, but his company is pretty nice. 

‘Ding’

Oh really? I’m not even home yet. 

“Thanks again for coming by. We should definitely chill again soon. You seem like really cool peoples.”  “Thanks for having me! Yeah I’m totally down for hanging out again.” “For sure! You’re welcome to come by whenever.” “Ha alright! I don’t want to you know, get annoying though. I know sometimes when you see people frequently things get boring.” “Oh not at all. I don’t think you could ever overstay your welcome.” “Ha well if you say so!”  “What about tomorrow evening? Got any plans?” “Hmm, not that I can think of. A whole lot of nothing.” “Wanna do a whole lot of nothing with me?”  “Absolutely.”  “Super stoked! Just made my day and it hasn’t even started.” “Aww!”

I mean, what do I say?! I can’t send him heart emojis yet. That’s too intimate yo. If I’ve gone this long just talking to him, I can go longer. I mean, why not dude? Let’s see what you’re all about before I see what your dick is all about. 

[posttinder-blog]

Am I getting punked?

For the last couple of days, we’ve done nothing but chat on Tinder. What’s crazy, is that nothing is sexual. NOT A DAMN THING. 

He asked for my number though. Oh you vibin’?! I am too.

[posttinder-blog]

If all else fails, listen to the most responsible out of the group

I usually don’t take advice from other people. I mean, I’ll listen to them say whatever it is they have to say but I most likely won’t follow through with their suggestions. I just like proving people wrong. When I do fuck up though, I’m not ashamed to admit it. But forreal, I’m stoked I have smart friends. 

So this dude I swiped right to...for some reason I get the vibe that we would get along. He’s making weird faces but I feel like he actually looks cute in person? I don’t know. I could be totally wrong and maybe that’s why he’s as weird as he is. But! For some reason I think he’s real fucking cute. He’s right around the corner and he’s only a year younger than me. 

“So what’s up with lettuce?! I mean, how does that shit grow?”

...is this a joke though? How do I reply? I mean, they grow in the soil man. Don’t they? Fucking christ I have to look this shit up now before I sound stupid as fuck. Oh, so they do grow in soil. You gotta harden them? I learn new things everyday. Alright dude so they grow in the soil but you gotta sprout them first indoors then put them outside for a couple hours a day until they’re outside all day. 

“Whoa! See? Shit’s so interesting.”

I don’t think there’s anything about me being vegan on my profile...so random.

“How do you pronounce your name?” ------------------------ “Ahh intersting. You’ve sparked my attention.” “Ha oh yeah? Well, better than not, right?” “Right!”

For real for real. This was the most random conversation I’ve ever had with anyone. I can’t even remember the last time I randomly talked to someone like this. Ha, this is kind of cute though, you know? We’re actually talking about things other than sex and relationships and all that bullshit. 

End of conversation.

I almost forgot what it was like to do it the old school way. I just remember it being unbelievably simple. And well, I guess it still is. Do you booboo. Talk to you later, you interesting mother fucker you.

[posttinder-blog]

Fuck you, Six. I almost gave you a name too!

I realized that I fucked up the order of these dudes/seats. But this one is for sure the right one. 

So I download Snapchat again, just for shits and gigs. I add him. Don’t expect him to add me back but if he does, whatever that’s cool. 

‘Ding’

“------------- added you as a friend!”

‘Ding’

And it’s a picture of his face with the simplest caption of “Sup?” Ugh, his face still cute. I guess I reply with a picture of my face, right? Gotta make sure I look REALLY good. This is the first time we’re actually speaking since we stopped speaking. Alright, I can dig it. Bullshit. And you?

‘Ding’

And it’s a picture with his good man bun friend with alcohol and large smiles. And then another picture with Six’s good face and the rear end of his friend with a caption containing an invitation to come over. At this point, I don’t even care what I look like in the picture. 

Ha, actually I fucking do. But I’m trying to at least look like I don’t care ahahaha

Yooooooo I gotta take a shower before I do this. 

‘Ding’

Picture of his face with a caption “But let me see that booty”

HOKAY NIGGA. Everyone gets one, even though you technically had a library of them. But eh, why not ahahah! See you in 30 buster. 

So, this is the worst route Google could’ve ever taken me to! One lane, car tailgating the shit out of me, up and down and up and down, and I’m high as shit. Like, I’m fucking stoned and driving with both hands on the wheel and laughing at myself rap. Fuck man and this place usually has tons of cops just hiding in neighborhoods, waiting to get you! Fuck and I have so much pot on me it’s not even funny. Like forreal? There’s a fucking town down this country ass road?! Jesus these last 11 minutes are going to be the longest and most nerve wrecking. I mean, this dude barely responds to my texts and yet I’m actually going to meet up with him in a few moments. Fucking hell. 

I’m here nigga. Come g-- holy fuck. You look really fucking good....still. 

....you WOULD smack my butt like we just saw each other yesterday, dickfuck. 

At this point we’re just catching up, small talk, bullshit talk that I honestly don’t even like to partake in. Ha, partake in. But yeah! Drinking a gross ass luke warm beer. I don’t even like beer but I already know where this is going. Yet, I have this weird ass feeling about something. I’m not quite sure what it is, though. But he definitely seems um, just a tad bit different than what I remember. 

Unfortunate I can’t fuck your friend. His man bun looks real good. 

Another two friends pop up out of nowhere and ask Six if he wants to go with them to a party. He looks at me and asks if I want to go. I mean, nigga I’m going wherever you’re going. Unless I just fucking go back home. I can’t drive though and neither can you. One of the two friends says that we can ride with them. Ugh, I don’t even want to go but I’m not about to seem like that girl. The two go inside though, right? Then his friend goes inside as well. So it’s just me and Six. We turn and look at each other and give each other looks, if that makes sense. I’m not saying shit first homie. 

“I’d uh, very much like to have sex with you.” “Yeah? Um, how would that work though?” “We’ll just, play it by ear. But I do want you and your butt on my face.” “Ha alright well, you’re the boss applesauce.” “Am I?”

He takes my hands and lifts me up, so I’m just standing directly in front of him. Chest to chest. His hands are out of control, but like I said, you’re the boss applesauce. His breathing is SO loud. Ha, nothing much has changed! His hands are going up and down, grab each cheek viciously, then back up. Then they make their way to my face, cupping it so nicely. 

And then he smacks me just the way I like it. Now you’re going to fucking get it. 

“You sure you want to go to this party? It’s going to be a bunch of people my age who are just as stupid as I am.” “I don’t think you’re stupid but I don’t care man. I’m drunk. Let’s do this.” 

There’s 4 fairly skinny people in the backseat. From my side to the other, me, Six, we’ll say roommate #3, then Six’s friend. Ha, and Six’s hand makes its way to my thigh and then violently shoves his hand to my area. You can’t even wait homie? How am I supposed to introduce myself at this party? Am I your Tinder hoe? 

....I think he’s got a girlfriend yo, cause he didn’t really laugh. Oh my fuck. Maybe that’s what this off feeling is! Holy fuck I gotta pay more attention. #wildchild

Short, quick introductions with no title or anything. Just my name and that’s it, no big deal. Do you booboo. Oh you gonna go get alcohol? No, I don’t need another beer thank you. And now here I am, in this fucking circle of strangers with the most obnoxious sense of humor. It’s crazy they ALL have the same kind of humor. Eh, fuck it. I’m drunk/high as hell. I’ll play obnoxious for the evening. One dude in the circle outside asked what my name was. I simply state my name, and that I’m with that dumb fuck Six inside. I mean, this nigga really did just leave me for like a good 30 minutes out here by myself. Oh well. I’m technically not his lady so whatever. 

...but who IS his lady?! Ha, oh hey you finally come back as we were just talking about how much of a piece of shit you are. 

“My fault. You wanna go out in the backyard?” “Um, and fucking do what dude?” “I just wanna go and talk and hang out with you. I like hanging out with you.”  “Do you really?” “I do actually.”

And we’re just sitting on a fucking playground. His head is laying on my lap with his right arm wrapped around my side, resting his hand on my back. It feels too good so I already prepared myself for some bullshit. 

“So, I’ve been weird lately because I kinda have a girlfriend now.”  “Ha! Forreal dude it’s alright. I kind of had the weirdest feeling. I didn’t think you were a relationship kind of dude I guess.”  “I mean, I do do them but I just haven’t in a while.” “Alright so the morally correct thing to do is not do anything.” “We’re not. We’re just talking.” “Ha, okay dude.” “I’m sorry I’m an asshole. You don’t even know how hard it was to not reply to you.” “Haha it’s alright man. I just always remind myself that this all started from Tinder.” “Yeah but, I don’t know this shit sucks. It’s kind of weird talking to you about all this because technically me and you were a thing not too long ago.” “Yeah but you should kinda know me to some extent. I’m pretty uh, weird ha with emotions and shit. I should be mad but I think I’m fucked up so no emotion is coming out accurate.” “Haha well, I don’t know. I mean, she makes me happy. But I don’t know. I really want to fuck the shit out of you.”  “I don’t know man. I don’t even know what to say.”

Thankfully, his friend does by screaming “Hey guys we’re leaving with or without you.” Alright, we’re coming. 

“You good to drive? We can go back to my apartment.” “Yeah once we get back to my car just hop in.”

The car ride home was spent with our heads resting on each other’s and hand holding and reminiscing. Then this drunk retard falls forward. Eh, I’ll just let you sleep I guess. 

....but not really because we just got here. Wake up nigga. Get in my car and navigate me back to your place from here. 

“Only” by Nicki Minaj comes on and here comes the lyric about eating ass like a cupcake. 

He turns his head, looks at me and says, “Yep. I’m uh, going to eat your ass like a cupcake. I don’t care. I want it.”  “You do realize dude that if you do that, I’m GOING to want to fuck. No way around that.”  “Okay that’s fine.” 

If only I could put a picture of him up on here. Like, when he said that, he genuinely looked happy but completely clueless as to what was going on. Like he could’ve been dreaming all of this! But then he pulls my skirt up and savagely shoves his hand down down and straight up there. Yo, I’m going to crash this car if you continue this. You need to wait forreal because there’s a lot of drugs on me right now! 

“Is this okay?” “I mean yeah but as long as we’re stopped.” “I shouldn’t even be doing this, huh?” “Yeah technically not. Dude I can just drop you off and go home if that makes things a lot easier.”  “Or you could come instead and we can just think about this.” “Okay you gotta grab your visitor’s pass?” “Uh, well I can’t because she has it.”  “Ha! Dude I don’t want them to tow my car.”  “They won’t. It’ll be alright. Let’s smoke a cigarette before we go in though.” “Okay fine.”

Ha, apartment still looks the same. Sloppy as hell. Oh but his room CLEARLY has been invaded by this new chick. Because forreal, I have never seen so much pink and print in my life. Jesus I thought you didn’t like retarded girls! 

I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, yet he decides to sit directly next to me, arm behind me and everything already set up. 

“Should we do this?”  “Dude I don’t know. That’s up to you.”  “She definitely tried calling me just a few minutes ago.” “Well would she show up unannounced?” “No I don’t think she would.” “You sure?” “Yeah. Let me at least eat your butt.”  “I’m fucking telling you that if you do that, I will most definitely persuade you to fuck me.”  “Okay. Fuck it.” “I’m turning off the lights then.” 

Same Six. Pushing me over and just straight up destroying my butt with his mouth. Ugh, this is unreal. He pulls away and just shoves his dick straight into me like holy fucckkkkkkkkkk I missed that dick. Haven’t had good dick in a while, forreal forreal. 

“Let me cum in your butt.”  “Do it.”

He’s pumpin’ like a pro. He wanted it and missed it. He can’t even deny it. I can tell the sex he has with her is boring as fuck. She probably doesn’t let him put it in her butt! I mean, I was fairly cooperative back then and I’m even more so cooperative now! I warmed up to it. This feels pretty good once you accept it and want it more. 

“Let’s smoke a cigarette, yeah?” “Yeah. Then I guess I’m actually going to jet after that.”  “Really?” “Yeah dude I kind of feel a certain way about this now and I think it’d be better if I did leave now versus later.” “Alright. Well you can at least smoke your stuff here too before you go.” “Okay.”

Jesus this is about to be an awkward conversation. Ugh. The second this fucker sits down directly in front of me? Oh it’s going to get weird really fast. 

“I am the biggest piece of shit ever. I’m sorry.” “Dude, ha, you don’t owe me an apology for that.” “I’m just saying. This is the second time I’ve done this.” “Well then, I don’t know man. If you like her that much then don’t do it.”  “Yeah. I was so drunk the first time it happened.” “Uh huh. And what about this time? You were hammered.” “Yeah but, even before I got this drunk I knew exactly what I wanted to do to you the second you got out of the car.” “And yet, you still want to stay with homegirl?” “I mean, I don’t even know what to do. I feel like I just ruined everything with everyone. I mean, we were just a thing not too long ago, you know? And then I just decided to be a dick and not reply back to your texts.” “It’s whatever dude. I’m not trippin’. I feel like I should but I mean, ultimately we never dated so this should all be alright anyways.” “Yeah but I mean, at one point I thought maybe I could date you. I don’t know I feel weird and awful now.” “You’ll feel better in the morning.” “You’re right.” “Well, I should go.” “I feel like the biggest dick and I’m just so fucking sorry.” “Shit happens man. What can you do?”

I just have this unsettling feeling in my gut at this point. Maybe it’s the beer and tree combo? I don’t know. And the fact I didn’t eat dinner yet could also be a factor. But I kind of feel bad for him a little. He sincerely looks upset about this whole situation. Is it fucked up to admit that it’s a slight ego boost for me? I mean, would he be this upset if I was a normal, basic bitch?! I really don’t think so. 

“I feel like we’re not going to be able to hang out.” “Okay, and I respect that. Totally understandable. I won’t hit you up anymore or send you butt pics or dumb twerk videos...” “Which are fucking dope by the way.” “Ha yeah well enjoy the ones you do have I guess.” “With that being said, I’m probably going to have to delete your number. Because knowing that I have it is probably not a good thing.” “Alright dude. Fine with me. Take care of yourself.” “I’m sorry.”

I’m actually pretty bummed, but I did my best to play that shit off like I didn’t give a shit about never seeing him again. I talked mad shit about him before meeting back up with him, but shit man. I’m losing my mind. I leave one, get another. He leaves me before it starts, get another one. Same thing. He leaves before it starts, clearly choosing another female over me. And the ones that want me just don’t vibe with me in the right way. 

Hmm, but maybe this one will? Casually swiping and hmmmmm, here’s one. Oh? You’re 7 miles away? You don’t say. I feel like you could have a really sweet man bun. I’m not saying shit first though. 

No but forreal I can’t say anything right now. I’m pretty uh, bummed man. Like, bummmmmmeeedddd. It’s a little too late now but I definitely feel like I was supposed to give him a reason to keep me around. I should’ve maybe shown that I cared a little bit more. I mean, he technically showed me that he cared when he pulled me away from the table that everyone else was taking lines off of, which I can’t understand how I even forgot to mention that! Wtf. But yeah, someone offered me a bump and I went for it and this nigga pulls me back and says, “You don’t need to do that.” 

Ha! I said, “Is this the --------- that cares?” I shouldn’t even be making fun of that moment because that was kind of the hint that told me that he slightly cared about me outside the bedroom. Aw so cute! Oh, and it’s gone, just like that! 

Why am I laughing? 

[posttinder-blog]

Continuously suppressing, going to fucking explode!

I just have to get this off my chest real quick. 

I can’t even fucking drive around here without wondering if I’m going to see you and that stupid fucking bitch you replaced me with. Replaced my body. Replaced my love. She looks like she’s fucking 17 and I’m not even exaggerating brah. She really does look like she’s still in high school, taking government or some bullshit like that still. 

No but forreal. I keep driving down roads that I know you usually don’t go near. I mean, I don’t know where homegirl stays at but my chances on seeing you feel to be pretty slim. But every now and then I catch myself wanting to see you. Like, it’s my mind telling me not to do it but my body is driving. 

Funny enough, I see the same kind of car everywhere in different colors. I have only seen one car that was like your’s but luckily, it was an overweight female. 

I don’t even know what I would do if I saw you. Hmm, most likely pretend like I didn’t even see you! I have this fucked up theory about you. But then again, you’re a pretty fucked up person anyways. 

You’ve been bangin’ since you were what? 15 years old? Alright, can’t judge you because some of my friends did as well. And that’s the only way you do stuff. Still not judging, until now. But you are almost 30! You’re okay with dying? You’re okay with dying, even knowing you had me as your lady? Your fucking partner? Your fucking best friend?! Maybe all those drugs fucked your mind up so bad that you can’t feel emotions accurately. Like, all those good times we had. It really did feel like you were satisfied, content with your life with me. Always singing around me, calling me your baby or what ever fucking else. Making a big deal about me leaving you. But it wasn’t enough! You have this bottomless pit of a soul in you and you have to destructively fill it with bullshit, drugs and whores and lies and whatever else! Why have one pretty girl when you can have three, right?! Stupid mother fucker. You know if you’re not careful you could wind up with a girl that has HIV. We’re not that far from the city with the largest population of HIV+ people. Ugh, I’m just so fucking irritated with the fact you still exist and get to live your life somewhat satisfied. 

I want to do all sorts of things that I know I’ll regret later. But I just want you to emotionally suffer in the exact same way, if not worst. 

I hope you get nothing you want. I hope someone robs you and you end up in prison again. I hope someone busts you during your stupid fucking drug runs. I hope you lose your license. I hope you choke on a fucking granola bar. I hope your car gives out on you. I hope you get an STD. I hope you show up positive on your next test. I hope you breakdown soon and realize you fucked up hard. I hope everything you love just dies in your fucking arms. 

But you know what? I don’t wish death upon you directly. I just want you to experience this. It’s fucked up, and I don’t deserve to go through this. You do, though. You definitely, you fucking lying piece of shit. 

Oh but you can text me saying you want to make this better? How many drugs are you on?! Is this even you or is this your girl? And then why are you going to call me while I’m at work from your other phone?! What the fuck do you want from me? You want me to let you slide that shit into my butt?! You don’t get that fucking luxury anymore, mother fucker. You don’t even get to see proof of my existence anymore. 

I hope everything about me haunts you until you go just as mad. If not more. 

[posttinder-blog]

F-O-I-N-E

Fuck it. I’m going to write however I want to. Whatever way works best for me. 

Sooooooo, this MIGHT come across a certain way but I mean no harm. The guy I used to buy my stuff from, well, he’s vibin’! I didn’t pick up on any hints from previous transactions but out of nowhere he texts me and asks if I was in a car with a white dude. 

“What, just now?” “Yea in the city” “Oh nah I’m actually outside the city with a friend” “Oh ok”

Then!

“Ayy u still wit dat white dude?” “Nah he’s a fucker. Piece of shit scumbag.” “Lol well his loss. I been out in the city cuz me and my girl split” “Shit that sucks dude sorry” “I ain’t lol!”

...and thennnnnn!

“But forreal doe wats good wit u ma”

Um, excuse me? I don’t even know what to say. Number 1, I have only let a select few call me “ma” or “mama” and it still sounds weird. Number 2, you trying to actually hang out with me? I mean, I feel like I come across as a weird, impulsive, destructive mother fucker. But then again, I try to be polite to people that do good for me/to me/etc. Even at restaurants with shitty waiters/waitresses, I’m still nice. I don’t want them spitting in my food! Alright anyways, I mean, what do you mean what’s good with me? 

“I fucks wit ur vibe, ur persona. I dig it a lot” “Oh yeah? Ha that’s awesome thanks! You’re not so bad yourself :]” “Lol yea when my friend said she was gonna gimme ur number i didnt think nething of it.” 

Mind you! My biggest pet peeve is when people can’t spell out the whole word. That bothers me for whatever reason. Like, it really bothers me. The only word I’m guilty of is “probably” and spelling it “prolly.” I should start typing the whole thing out. But yeah man, we should burn sometime. 

“Yea we should. A couple of times u kno?” “I can do that. I’m a stoner so that works.” “Yea girl i cant be fuckin around wit dat other shit” “I mean, I don’t fucks with it anymore, but I’m chill with it as long as no one acts up, you know?” “Yea. Idk doe cuz i be scared to try my own shit sumtimes” “Which is good! Never supposed to get high off your own supply.” “Ha and you street smart” “What can I say? I learned a thing or 2 being an addict back in the day ha!” “Lol. Well hey u need nething? Goin out of town for the weekend” “Yes I do actually” “The usual? Can u meet me at the mall?” “Yes I can! I’m on my way.”

Now here’s where it’s going to come across as some bad, grimey shit but it’s not. I’m a shallow person, willing to admit that out in the open. But then again, maybe it’s just preferential. I just happen to go crazy with skinny white dudes. This one though is not a skinny white dude. Jake is one of the finest black dudes I’ve ever seen. Not only is his face attractive, but HIS persona is what I fuck with. I fucks hard with it actually. He’s nice, respectful, get his shit done. If I’m peeping into the future, I doubt I’d be able to date him though because of what he does. Plus, he can pull females left and right and I can’t compete like that. I have a problem with competing and sharing so I’ll unfortunately have to pass on this. But yo, I’m here.

“Iight 10 min”

Meanwhile, I really have to fucking pee but he’s almost here so let me just sit in the car and wait. Ugh, but I really can’t. Just gonna walk into the mall real quick and use the restroom. But uh, is that him pulling up? I’m gonna pretend like I’m just minding my business and walk towards the mall. Then I hear someone scream my name. I turn around and it’s him and some girl in his front seat. Ugh, whatever let me just get in the back of his car.

“You going inside?” “Yeah man I was going to use the restroom real quick.” “I’ll drop you back off.” 

We circle the lot, give me my shit, then drop me back off at the doors. I’m sprinting at this rate. 

It’s always so satisfying using the restroom when you really have to go. Fuck. 

On my way out, I see him and that girl holding hands. Um, okay so you vibin’ but you’re holding hands with some girl? I mean whatever haha but I’m going to text him when I leave. Um, did he just fucking wave at me while he was holding her hand? What. The. Fuck. 

‘Ding’

“Forreal doe I am single again”

Haha, do I even reply? Yessssssss you do bitch. 

“I don’t wanna get in between what y’all got going on. But forreal if you’re down to burn still and she’s cool with that, then we should do that.” “Nah its straight. She asked me if I ever had sex wit u lol” “Haha wtf?! Why would she just ask that?” “I think it was cuz of the way I was watchin u walk across the street” “Hahaha I didn’t even notice!” “Lol girl ur tiny but y ur ass bounce while u walk” “Shit, I don’t know! But I do acknowledge that it’s there and I take care of it haha” “Lol well its workin”

I can already tell this shit is about to get sexual real fast. I’m not even going to condone it, but we’ll see what dis nigga has to say. 

“u wanna burn tomorrow?” “I can yeah after work?” “Yea just hit me up. Dont bs” “Nigga I don’t bullshit.” “Lol! Iight well see. But u fine as hell so forreal doe dont bs” “Hahaha I won’t.” “I just wanna burn and have u sit on my face.”

.......OH REALLY?! OH OKAY JAKE! YOU GET DOWN?! I FUCKING GET DOWN TOO. 

“Haha oh yeah? I might can do that for you.”  “Yea, wit dat bouncy butt” “I’m a pro twerker Jake. Let’s just get that out of the way.” “Too intense to have this convo in public lol” “Haha you started all this man.”

I’m not even exaggerating. I’m pretty damn close to being a pro at dropping butt. I will twerk on his face until my back has a seizure. Boo yah, ka sha.