DEAR MAN | Interpersonal Effectiveness
*art by Belquis Elhadi*
DEAR MAN is by far one of my favorite skills to use because it has been one of the most helpful in communicating to others what I want and what I need. And that’s the objective: use DEAR MAN to get what you want in the best way possible.
BREAK IT DOWN, NOW!
D - Describe: Describe the situation or what is going on using only facts
E - Express: Express how you feel about the situation
A - Assert: Put forth and assert what you would like to get from the situation. Your assertion or goal should be something that is doable and reasonable for the situation.
R - Reinforce: Reinforce that there will be a positive outcome if the assertion is accommodated
M - Be Mindful: As you are making your request, be mindful of your goal. Don’t deviate from the topic at hand. If need be, be a broken record - if the person is not listening to what you are saying, continue to repeat yourself
A - Appear Confident: Even if you are nervous, be confident in yourself! Be confident in
N - Negotiate: Consider alternatives that would be acceptable if your initial assertion/goal is not accommodated. Be willing and able to negotiate with the person to get what you want
—
HERE’S AN EXAMPLE (or two):
D “You started working full time and since then, I rarely get to see you. When I do get to see you, it is bedtime and we are both too tired to spend quality time together.
E Because of that, I feel very lonely and I miss you. While I understand that you are working to financially support us, I often resent you because I feel so alone.
A I would really appreciate if we could find some time for the two of us to spend together on a regular basis. I would like to have a date night twice a week.
R If we are able to spend more time together, I will not be so resentful and will feel more connected to you, which will help us develop a stronger and healthier relationship.
M I think having a date night twice a week is reasonable because that gives us an hour or so, twice a week, to focus on one another.
A *says all that^ confidently*
N I understand that your work schedule is really busy. Instead of two date nights per week, let’s try to do one.”
—
D “I have been working at this company for over a year now. Throughout the year, I’ve been given more and more responsibilities that have required me to work overtime.
E I thoroughly enjoy working here and would like to continue working here. The extra tasks that I have taken on have challenged me and I enjoy that, but I do not think my current pay appropriately corresponds with the extra tasks and efforts that I’ve put forth.
A I would like a raise.
R If my request is accommodated, I will feel better about continuing to do all this work for the company and will continue to work here.
M I have really enjoyed this job and would like to stay here, but my pay needs to reflect my work efforts.
A *says all that^ confidently*
N I have offers from other companies that will offer me $xxx more per month, etc. (Negotiating in the hypothetical is odd, but you get the picture…)
You may be thinking “hm, this feels like manipulation” BUT IT’S NOT. This is a socially acceptable way to get others to do what you want by acknowledging their point of view. It’s the right way to go about it. It can be really scary to ask for what you need, but it can also be incredibly helpful and worthwhile.
Don’t be afraid to practice your DEAR MAN. Write it out, like we did here. Say it to yourself a few times. There’s no shame in preparing yourself for a difficult conversation.
If you’re having trouble figuring out what exactly it is that you want to ask for, try tapping into your wise mind.
NOW, GO OUT, USE DEAR MAN, AND GET WHAT YOU WANT