it happened in just three nights. you and me became us, and our story began to unfold. How can I describe all that i feel for you, when i don't even know myself? It’s painful, but its exhilarating, and my god i am terrified. After last time, after him, i almost didn't make it. I promised myself i would never let someone in again, never become dependent again. I promised myself i would never love again, nor could anyone ever love me back. It’s been three days, three days since you slowly pulled up under the thick blanket of the night, me waiting on the side of the road, nervous and frightened yet so strangely drawn to you. That first night, sped down the interstate with the windows down and our heads hanging out the sun roof, whooping into the rush of the autumn night air; where we flew away on impulse and drunkenly stumbled down the train tracks under the half moon, our breathes mingled together as we laughed into the cold night. Three days since you took my hand and pulled me onto the train, screaming about Murphey’s laws and the stars and the universe. Your eyes reflected the city lights in the distance, and my god you had no idea but there were galaxies exploding within you as i watched you talk. Your dumb raggy shaggy hair kept bouncing as you walked, and i had to restrain myself not to grab your hand and pull you into me that first night, but oh, how i wanted to. I remember as we sat on the slow moving train, just you and i, how it was okay. it. the world, fucking everything. nothing sucked. the crushing weight of sadness that had been burdened down on my shoulders for the past 2 years was momentarily forgotten, and my god i was free again. That night, were we danced under the red light district in the worlds most ironic church, screaming as we jay walked in front of fast moving cars. It was pure adrenaline, being with you, it was like the movies. The first night.
The second night left me in tears. I remember bouncing up excitedly to your house, feeling my heart beat in my ears as i pulled up and saw you standing there. waiting. for me. So happy and carefree i was, finally able to spend time with you. I could feel it happening already, me becoming obsessed with you. I didnt want it to happen, not yet. This was crazy! i had just met you, yet it seemed i knew you my whole life. I couldnt stop my thoughts from falling back onto you. I was infatuated, my dear, you had me hooked, the second night. I drove my car fast, eager to show you my side of the woods, where i had come from. I think i was hoping you were as curious about me as i was about you. I think i was wrong. you said you were tired. you were quiet. distant. I tried to talk to you, you laid back and slept. we drove in silence. I swear to god i wanted to turn around and go home. I felt so fucking stupid. every single doubt and insecurity i had about you liking me, about me myself, was confirmed in that stupid car ride to that stupid park in my stupid childhood town. You acted like you didnt want to be there. My thoughts were clouded in horrible memories from the past, and my self hate and sadness was so strong in that moment, you have no idea. i traced the scars on my legs as i cursed myself for being so stupid. He was right, this boy would never like me. I was a crazy and disillusioned and obsessive girl, with mental illness and a past relationship that almost killed both of us. What the actual fuck was a doing?! i hate myself. We went to the park, we talked for a while, you got bored, i could tell. I took you home. I drove around that night and cried. I didnt want to break down, didnt want to slip back into the sadness, but i swear in that moment, the past was in my head and the demons were on my back and i couldnt shake it. I was going to do something so so stupid, but you texted me. I snapped out of it. You told me you were sorry, that you actually really liked me. I was taken aback, but more cautious now. I still wasnt sure. How could anyone love me? This was the end of night two.
But on night three. We hadnt seen each other all day. you had semi od on pills, i was thoroughly worried bc it seemed so much like dej a vu. Maybe thats why i was so drawn to you, you reminded me of him. You texted me, saying you wanted to cuddle, for me to come over. You had never called me pretty before. I was floored by this and of course, against my better judgement, i went. I was so desperate for you, for anyone really, to like me, because i was so incapable of loving myself. When i got to your house, you were waiting outside for me again, and you took me into your room. Remember on the first night, when there were galaxies exploding inside of you? well they did, and the constellations were splattered on your walls. The shins record played slowly in the background, my favorite song, as you laid back on the floor and i , in awe, laid down with you. We stayed like that for a while, softly talking and me in the crook of your neck. You suggested we go for a walk before your parents returned home. I relented, and we bolted from the house and just starting walking, the convo light. But in my head i was gasping at every dark corner when i thought you might stop and kiss me. you never did. We had been walking for a while, getting lost together. You stopped and sat down, right in the middle of the road. Everything in my head was screaming “scene from the notebook”, and i smiled down at you. We laid down in the middle of the street, dead of the chilly fall night. it was silent except for your breath on my neck and the beating of your heart as i laid my head against you. you heard the car before i did, and we screamed and jumped out of the way. My heart was racing and your pulled me into a tight hug. It felt right. It felt safe. we laid down again, this time on the sidewalk. I played with your fingers as you tugged on my hair. it was nice, your mouth pressed against my ear, my forehead on your cold nose. Our breathes were in sync and there was no pressure, just calm. Comfort. You felt like home. We finally disentangle ourselves from the ground and start walking. you grab my hand and i hold you like we are slow dancing under the foggy moonlight. “what do we do now?” i asked you. you looked at me, already inches from my face, and whispered we should kiss. and we did. you were gentle at first, but then things started exploding and the stars themselves fell from the sky as you pushed into me harder, and my god i was laughing in your mouth because THIS IS WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE and i grabbed your hand and started to run because this can never end. You follow me, never taking your arms off me, and led me to a gazebo. another scene from a movie, i thought, as you kissed me once more. and again. and again. we are suddenly pushed up against my car and your tongue is in my mouth and you taste so good and i dont want to go home ever. you smell amazing and my head is dizzy and light and im giddy and cant stop smiling as you pull away and kiss on my neck, and my god i have to stop myself because it’s only been three days but jesus christ im falling for you. The third night
so what is it now, the heartache of the past that still leeches on and refuses to let go, or the blooming possibilities and the what if’s that could maybe hold happiness. I never thought i would let myself love again. This could be the biggest mistake of my life. But i want to know, i want to know you. Im just terrified that once you know me, my past, my struggles, it will all go to shit again. I cant stop being scared..
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
dededos
areudirty