So, we talked about how when Pedro wiggled his pink-clad ass on James Corden, like you could see the outline of his chonies there? Which obviously begs the question: WHO DOES CHONIES AND WHO DOESN'T?
Omar Assarian:
TIGHTY WHITIES. All the time.
Zach Wellison:
Boxers most of the time, maybe occasionally some boxer briefS? But that man needs his freedom and like boxers are “HEY, babe, let that junk hang free.”
Jay Castillo:
Boxer briefs. He’s cool but also he’s so hot, THAT ASS GOTTA LOOK GOOD.
Oberyn Martell:
Underwear does not exist in Westeros. That man’s junk is just hangin’, free-flowin’ maybe even like THIS IS THE THEME SONG FOR OBERYN’S DICK JUST SWINGIN’ IN THE BREEZE; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWJXDG2i0A Yeah, fuck no.
Max Phillips:
Likes his Calvin Klein charcoal grey boxer briefs, thank you very much. He thinks they make his ass look amazing.
Marcus Pike:
Definitely wears underwear but some CLASSY ASS shit. Definitely Hugo Boss or Calvin Klein, and like he KNOWS what colors look good on him. This bitch knows something about chonies. (p.s. it's periwinkle. Periwinkle is Marcus Pike's COLOR.)
Pero Tovar:
What is underwear? What are pants, while we’re at it? I mean, he knows he has to wear clothes but honestly this man would go butt-ass nekkid with a sword and an axe in his hands if you left it up to him.
Javier Peña:
Dislikes underwear, I think this is firmly established.
Agent Whiskey:
I mean, he’s not opposed to underwear but he’s not married to it either. Whatever gets you all fired up, darlin’…
Ezra:
Yes, underwear, just as a matter of fucking fact. It’s hard out in the Green, and I don’t need to worry about chafing in the crotch area when I am worrying about LOSING MY FUCKING ARM…
Dave York:
I don’t fucking care about Dave York. Sorry Dave York fans. He probably wears tighty whities. Boring ass murder dad.
Frankie Morales:
CUUUUUUTE, cute cute cute boxer briefs in lovely colors (mint green! Periwinkle! Coral pink!) and they complement his tiny butt so well that you can’t help but compliment him and he blushes and HI, HE’S THE CUTEST SHIT.
Max Lord:
Bikini briefs, because he thinks he’s sexy AF. Some of them are shiny. HI, shiny junk. I mean… not gonna lie, pretty hot.
Marcus Moreno:
THE EXACT SAME PAIR of heather grey Hugo Boss boxer briefs, like he owns 20 of the exact same pair so he doesn’t have to make a decision in the morning, he just slaps a new one on.
Pedro From Across the Street:
WHAT IS UNDERWEAR?
Din Djarin:
WHAT IS UNDERWEAR?
Javi Gutierrez:
Sometimes bikini shit when he's feeling a little bit sexy which is NOT OFTEN, mostly he likes boxer briefs but ALWAYS IN FUN COLORS. HI this man WORSHIPS ORANGE.
Dieter Bravo:
Why are you asking about my underwear, srsly, LIKE DO YOU WANNA FUCK OR NOT?
Relationship: Javi Gutierrez [TUWOMT] x CisFem!Reader
Warnings: smut smut smutty smut smut. 18+
Notes: I have read the script for The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, which is what I based this version of Javi on. (As well as a bit of guesswork for the way Pedro will play him, and some head canon that I think fits the way he’s written.) Javi in the film may be different so who knows, maybe I’ll revise this later. In the meantime, please look at him and then ENJOY. xx
Heyyyy, remember this?! Yes, I am shamelessly reblogging this now that the entire internet is horny as shit about Javi Gutierrez. I wrote this, again, based on the SCRIPT for TUWOMT, but after seeing the trailer? That shit still tracks.
10 Head Canons for THE GREATEST THIEF IN THE WORLD...
**** gif credit (@a7estrellas) ****
👑 Some say he has dozens of aliases, if not hundreds, of aliases but no one knows his real identity. (This is not true. There are a handful of people who know, but he compensates them very well for their silence.
👑 Some say he never really had a proper name because he was orphaned at birth by his outlaw parents. (This is also not true. But he finds this rumor amusing.)
👑 Interpol have been chasing him for years. Two lead agents have retired by now since they've had a file on him. Also one agent who asked to be transferred to another case because things got... (ahem)... too close... 🔥🥵
👑 He's also a master of accents; one of his aliases is a good ol' Texan boy... another is a Silicon Beach tech bro who sounds like a surfer... yet another is a Puerto Rican card shark from the Bronx... and on, and on, and on...
👑 His collection of rarities could fill a ballroom. One is a 50-carat ruby he stole by seducing a Sultan's daughter. Another is an Edo-era samurai's katana that his best friend nearly cut his head off trying to betray and steal it. (This is only partly true... his best friend was also his mentor. Taught him everything he knew. What a loss...)
👑 His greatest treasure, though? A Ming vase... that isn't a Ming vase at all. It's the fake that he inadvertantly swapped with a rival. A rival who... was the one who got away. 💔
👑 As a lover of good wine he is also, of course, a lover of good food. He's eaten and loved foods from every corner of the globe. (Unless there's peanuts in it, he's allergic.)
👑 His oldest bottle of wine is rumored to have been pulled from the same wreckage as Blackbeard's treasure. (No one knows this for sure. He likes to keep people guessing. But coincidentally he also owns four key pieces of Blackbeard's treasure. He sold the rest. With the exception of a few, most pirates had terrible taste...)
👑 He prefers to spend his down time dressed to the nines... or dressed in as little as possible. There's no in between.
👑 His favorite films are The Pink Panther, The Thomas Crown Affair, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Sideways. Sideways is the funniest movie ever made. 🍷
Inspired by @disgruntledspacedad’s “Favorite Scents” post. Although, I substituted Veracruz with Oberyn Martell because he’s my precious prince of Dorne. ☀️
Javier Peña
If he has to go into the office immediately, lots of black coffee with sugar. If he has time to eat, chilaquiles con cebolla, queso fresco y salsa verde. And lots of black coffee with sugar.
Dave York
An extremely cold shower and a green smoothie with a protein boost. Then watching his kids eat Froot Loops while trying to remember who he needs to kill this afternoon.
Maxwell Lord
Forcing himself to vomit. Then a handful of Tums, which he gobbles down frantically while Raquel screams at him that he has Alistair today and he’ll be here in an hour.
Marcus Pike
A massive stack of pancakes with extra syrup, bacon and freshly squeezed orange juice, while sitting across the table from your lovely face and watching you laugh while he insists your omelette isn’t better than these pancakes, come on... you know you want a bite...
Frankie Morales
Pussy. Then a stiff, spicy Bloody Mary and a fried egg sandwich on thick, buttery toast while listening to “Hotel California” and singing along, trying not to get crumbs on his favorite flannel. He says he’ll only give you a bite of the sandwich if you sing the harmonies with him.
Oberyn Martell
He can drink an entire jug of fine Dornish red and not bat an eyelash, but if he does feel poorly he just likes to sit in the Water Gardens while simultaneously watching his youngest daughters play in the sun, flirting with his brother’s new valet, and fantasizing about stabbing Tywin Lannister through the heart.
Jack Daniels
You know what the cure for a hangover is, sugar? Don’t stop drinking. (This hangover cure was sponsored by Statesman™: Fine Kentucky Bourbon.)
Marcus Moreno
Breakfast tacos with chorizo and cafe con leche, made by his mom and brought to him by Missy who helpfully reminds him it’s a bad idea to go out drinking with Miracle Guy, who has to drink a LOT to even feel buzzed.
Pero Tovar
A slab of cold mutton between two chunks of fresh bread. Don’t believe the Earl of Sandwich story; just like he invented bullfighting, Pero Tovar actually invented the sandwich.
Zach Wellison
Eggs Benedict, which is the food that he dreamed of on those nights that he was hungriest. He savors every bite, trying to decipher just how much lemon to put in the Hollandaise so he can practice making this on his own.
Din Djarin
What’s a hangover? He never lets himself get drunk. Ever.
Relationship: Javi Gutierrez [TUWOMT] x CisFem!Reader
Warnings: smut smut smutty smut smut. 18+
Notes: I have read the script for The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, which is what I based this version of Javi on. (As well as a bit of guesswork for the way Pedro will play him, and some head canon that I think fits the way he’s written.) Javi in the film may be different so who knows, maybe I’ll revise this later. In the meantime, please look at him and then ENJOY. xx
A= Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
The first time you and Javi fuck, it leaves you both boneless; you roll over, stroking his chest and barely are the words “need water” out and he’s already halfway to the kitchen. He brings you back a tall, cold glass with ice and you sip it, watching his Adam’s apple bob as he chugs his own. Basically, any damn thing you want: He’ll hold you and stroke your back until you fall asleep or dive right back into eating you out, all it takes is your voice keening “please, Javi” and he’s off to the races.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
He’s crazy about you, so if asked it’s all very specific things: The curve of your nape to your shoulder; every mark (birth, beauty, stretch, scar); the shape of your nipples; the slope of your ankle (dios mio, he loves to bite down on your ankle when your feet are up over his shoulders as he thrusts into you…) Yeah Javi can be indecisive about things he loves, and he worships your body. On himself, he’d probably say his arms; this man is a cuddler and he loves to envelop you in his arms, making you sigh against the column of his throat. Come to think of it though there’s also his neck, which you’re constantly telling him is delicious; Javi always melts when praised. And he never gave much thought to his hair until you started telling him how beautiful it is…
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
Too embarrassed to admit it, but he loves tasting himself on your lips after you swallow his cum…
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
Well, there’s the one above. He’s also never really told you how he’d love it if you played with his asshole more often. (More on that in a bit.)
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
Javi is a passionate, deeply loving man but he’s no lothario. He knows his way around a woman’s erogenous zones but he’s also not had a whole lot of partners, so he relies on instinct as well as asking you what you like. Like, every detail, with a sincerity that speaks to how good he wants to make you feel; you like to get specific because boy, Javi is a quick study.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
He’s big on kissing during sex so he enjoys spooning or missionary, for that reason. Spooning is especially nice because he loves the way you dig your nails into his arm when he reaches around to rub your clit. If he’s honest though?… Javi Gutierrez loves a slow, languorous 69 in the middle of the afternoon, just the two of you savoring each other; it always feels so decadent, a little bit sinful…
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
He is a precious, goofy man, so you laugh a lot more than most couples do in the bedroom. Make no mistake, Javi can drown himself in you and if what you want is a serious fuck, he’ll deliver. But besides being lovers, you’re best friends who make each other crack up so it’s natural; your laughter is the most beautiful sound in the world to him. (He’s not past putting on your kimono and wrapping a towel around his head to do a Norma Desmond impression, which makes you giggly and strangely horny.)
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
He’s not terribly hairy so he has no real excuse not to be well groomed, but Javi keeps things tidy; it goes back again to wanting to be his best self for you. (Side note: He’s not really into fully-waxed pussy. Javi’s exposure to sex during puberty was beautifully shot 1980’s European soft-core films with actual plots, and the women in those movies had curves for days and well-groomed bushes.)
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
Whether you fool around for hours first or drop everything and go at it, Javi is always going try and make the earth move for you. He thrives on your pleasure, so he’ll caress every inch of you he can reach… pepper you with kisses, nuzzle your ear and softly moan “te amo…”
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
He’s miserable when the two of you are apart. He’ll take care of himself if he needs to take the edge off, but if he’s away he loves to coax you into phone sex. (You think it’s so Javi that he prefers doing voice calls to video; the picture on a phone can never beat the real thing, and as long as he can hear your sexy-ass voice, the wet sounds of your fingers inside you, he likes to just close his eyes and “see” you while he pounds one out…)
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
As noted, he’s putty if you praise; don’t ever stop telling him how thick and hot and good he feels. More importantly though, Javi recently discovered that he’s into ass play. It was something of a sucker punch, you were sucking his cock at the edge of the bed and his head was thrown back. He didn’t register you spreading his thighs further til there was a fingertip on his asshole and your thumb pressing into his taint. The next thing he knew he saw stars; he was trying to remember his name as you climbed into his lap, grinning: “I think he liked it…” (How does he ask you to do it again, but from inside this time?)
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
Truthfully, if he’s horny (and around you that’s often), Javi isn’t very choosy. He does feel it’s most romantic to have you in bed, but he won’t deny that it’s thrilling to step into the shower with you and let you lather his cock until he can barely stand. Or that time you both stumbled downstairs high to raid the fridge, and he ended up balls-deep in you on the kitchen table…
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
While he loves direct turn-ons like praise as well as a bit of dirty talk, Javi has to admit that he sometimes gets going just by your idiosyncrasies. Exclamations when you’re frustrated, little ticks and habits… the things that make you uniquely you are so, so attractive to him. This is usually where you catch him raking his eyes over you with that half-smirk and you say “Oh, don’t give me that look.” (Which implies “… unless you are prepared to give me that dick.”)
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
Though he loves the sting if you scratch or bite him in the moment, Javi’s not really into inflicting/experiencing real pain – he’s had to compartmentalize a lot of pain in his life. He’s really all about pleasure when it comes to sex. BDSM holds no interest – he has nothing against it, it’s just not his thing. But choking, any other form of violent sex play would be a definite turn-off; he could never.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
Like pretty much anyone with a penis, Javi loves receiving head. That said, he’s very proud of how well he knows just where and for how long to lick your pussy to send you to the moon. (It was a satisfying AF learning curve; he was so proud of himself the first time he dragged the bridge of his nose over your clit and made you ball the sheets in your fists.)
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
Javi and you both like to let the mood guide the direction your intimacy goes in, so it could go either way. Because he’s such a romantic, if forced to choose he loves it best slow and deep… especially in the morning before coffee. But he also knows that sometimes you just need him to rail you into next week, and he’s happy to oblige. (Because of his mild bottom tendencies though if it’s going to be fast and rough, he actually prefers you on top; it’s hot the way you chase your pleasure and grind down on him, tugging on his hair…)
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
Again, it’s all about the moment but Javi’s down for a quickie if it captures you both. Movies can be a catalyst; sometimes you’ll be watching a movie together that isn’t working for either of you, you get bored and start making out, which leads to turning it off and taking this to bed. But it’s just as likely that you’ll stop the movie, have a gratifying quickie on the couch and then enjoy the afterglow with a good movie that you both love…
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
Outside the solid “no”s listed above, Javi is fairly open to experiment if it turns you on. He needs to get better about initiating it himself, but he’s definitely still thinking about the butt stuff…
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
As long as Javi is rested and has time to recharge – kick back, let you kiss his tummy and hips and thighs, mouthing the tip of his cock until eventually he starts to twitch against your lips – he can go a couple of healthy rounds in a night. If he’s pulled an all-nighter writing, or the two of you went out and had too much fun, though, it’s usually quick.
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
Javi doesn’t have a ton of experience with toys, but he’s tickled when he finds the wand you keep in your nightstand and gives you the puppy-dog eyes until you let him use it on you. (Soooo much fun.) Also, if he ever gets around to asking you about the butt stuff he just might go one step further and admit that he’s almost hit “Buy” on a strap-on about five times now…
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
Your Javi lives to spoil you, so he’s kind of hopeless when it comes to edging or anything near it. He’s more likely to drag out a joke longer than necessary to see if you’ll keep laughing or get annoyed and tell him to suck your tits already.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
Volume is sort of directly proportional to Pace; if it’s fast and rough and you’re bouncing on his cock he can get pretty vocal. (¡“Ay coño, sí sí sí… follame, follame mi reina!”). When it’s slow and gentle, though, he prefers to whisper sweet nothings against your skin, to tenderly nudge “te gusta?” when you cry out, lacing his sighs with big, juicy words like “infatuated” and “exquisite.” (He’s trying to become a better writer, after all…)
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
I mean, we already talked about the butt stuff. But also? Loves it when you take control… he just absolutely loses his mind when you are in the driver’s seat and just take, take, take everything that you need from him. Hnnngh.
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
His ass may be small but it’s taut like a drum, and he’s definitely a show-er; he bottoms out nicely when he fucks you but got damn, the stretch…
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
High enough that a couple of times now, when he’s needed to get rewrites done he knew the only way he could was if he holed up on his own without you as a distraction. Just about every other time? He can go from 0 to 60 if you want it…
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
Writing jams can leave Javi burned out or, if he was unproductive, feeling insecure; he’s more likely to want to sleep it off. If you do go for it, it’s usually quick and he knocks out immediately. Otherwise, see: Aftercare. Anything you need, baby.
Hi! I’m @getlostbobby, and I don’t really post on Tumblr anymore but I’m active on Reddit and Discord and I needed somewhere to post to post the occasional fic about Pedro Pascal characters. That’s about the long and short of it. ;)
Expect very sporadic posting, but when I do I hope it’ll be worth your while. Now let’s go be horny (not on main this time)...
