im at the library, trying to get back in the flow of things now that im better. i have forgotten 90 % of the python i knew.... sigh....
i went over friday to ransack/ pillage your fridge, youre moving after all, 3 hours away. i ended up staying to help you and canceled Bratwurst with a friend to sit and be with you as you sat there and packed you tea from your [redacted]. it was bitter sweet when you gave me a tea cup, i have no idea where to put it or use it.... i accidently broke the last cup you gave me and it still haunts me....
after i left i went home, layed on my futon for what felt like an hour then got up cuz i was so fed up and uncomfy. i didnt have an excuse to get up. i have so much rage and hate towards myself that i find it hard to grow and get up and do anything worth while.... but when i did get up i was dizzy and light headed and lost and confused.... i was contemplating between the shitty pocket knife i use to fuck with candles and wax and heating up a pan and putting it against my arm.... and then my dog touched me with her snout... and i fell and cried.... and bawled my eyes out and screamed.... i dont know what i was crying about, hell i still dont know.... i feel asleep after eating a handful of chips....
i woke up satuday around nine ish..... i was making food when you called... you asked if i wanted to get coffee and donuts knowing what i would agree. showered and headed out. got you coffee cuz 4% surcharge for card use is ridiculous. you look like bonnie taylor with that hair cut, it suits your new life. we drove back and you enjoyed the breeze and the weather, the clouds and the creosote smell in the air. i couldnt help but smile. dropped you off with a friend and you asked me to pick you up later, ran some errand to kill time. picked you up and helped you pack for the rest of the day.
now here is the thing. im not upset for helping you pack. im upset because this isnt how i pictured my weekend. i wanted to go to the library and enjoy the rain...
anyways, help ed you pack and you kept thanking me. over and over and for whatever reason it just got to me... i asked if you could wait to thank me until it was all over. and you got upset? (i dont really remember we were all tired) i understand i might've come a bit hot but i didnt see it that way... idk... i left shortly after. but came back to pick up the bike and rode it home.
you called me a couple hours later because your cat was hurt. i will always take you and your pets to the vet. we drove to the animal hospital and he was ok. he got med and we were on our way. its nice having a pretty white girl in the car with me while dealing with law enforcement.... when i dropped you off i offered to get you food and you complied. i didnt get far...
you said it so well the next morning, i have so much of my identy tied to my car. and when it blew i managed to keep it together enough to park and call you to say there would be no nacho fries... got him towed and got homeat 12:30, shared a cigarette with my mechanic.
i wasnt able to sleep until 4:30 ish...
i still dont know how to describe the look on your face.... the worry, concern and relief.... a part of you thought i wouldn't open the door. the grogginess and adrenaline spike was a weird head space to talk about car payments and engine swaps.... it meant a lot to see you that morning. all and all it was a nice 3 hour drive with you (even if you didnt send me the songs i liked) and i would do it again to see you.
i'll write more about this later... maybe
from a hungry, tired, touch starved, and lonly,
