making an ep

• 24 • they them • autistic • gonna document the process here and also write about art i like!

[praisingrain]

i practiced my chords and made breakfast and fed the cat and sang to the dogs and tidied up and ITS NOT EVEN 12

im exhausted already might have a nap

like is this how it feels to do things

[praisingrain]

wow i oscillate a lot dont i

anyway i saw my friends and i feel loads better. it seems like when i actually talk to people it makes things better. so im gonna try and do more of the talking and less of the texting

[praisingrain]

i think my mental health is like. Bad. like im pretty sure its bad.

i dont know, i know i should only be writing for myself but i only get happy when i get feedback from people telling me they like it and even then i feel disingenuous in the moment.

also my lying is still very much a thing

im a bit tired honestly

maybe i should just go to sleep

[praisingrain]

i have put a whiteboard on the wall, and ive put things i need to do on that wall. the problem is that i dont actually want to do anything. I don't want to do anything on most days because i am reliant on sugar to help me feel normal.

maybe i should start drinking coffee.

[foil-flingza-roller-deactivated]

[praisingrain]

i just wrote the weirdest song ever????

its called collector

for like No reason

and i wanna sample the 2nd pokemon movie

i am an artist

[praisingrain]

it sometimes feels like i am going about this the wrong way.

there isnt really a right way. i think some ways are a bit more understandable than mine, sure. like i would like to try working with people but whenever i ask anybody i come across a bit too eager. (because i am) and i would love to work on my own but i wish i was more productive.

i think i am still trying to find the right amount of self discipline. its kind of hard. but i just emailed someone i really admire a sample of something i made. hopefully this goes okay!

[itspileofgoodthings]

Carly Rae Jepsen really wrote Store (Emotion Side B)

[j-uwu-ish]

Someone in my younger siblings class said they were “yandere for them” and my sibling responded “first of all cringe, second of all red flag” and no phrase has entered my daily lexicon so fast

[praisingrain]

you know whats wild

'c' and 'k', when they make a CKCKKC cracking klacky sound and not the gnnnh or silent sound literally sound the same

like c and k sound the clicky clacky same

so why do some words sound better with a k or a c when they literally sound the same and why do i know the difference without there being Any difference between them

[praisingrain]

i wrote a song

it was kinda cute

and i talked about how i felt sad

so thats great

[praisingrain]

im taking today off cause im ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻 very cute and need ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻 to eat chocolate

[girlsworlds]

question because i’m curious, reblog with if your home town has posts in tumblr search

[praisingrain]

i made a demo of music and i made that music about a minute long and then i sent it to 30 people asking them for their attention and affection.

success!!!

one day i will make something and Nobody will know until it is 100% a made thing. but today is not that day.

today i am so excited i clawed my way away from adhd symptoms and the tide of dread that uses the splinters of my breaking brain as toothpicks and made something and i want to share it with the people i care about and i want them to roast me about it but also i sent it to the people who won't give me entirely honest feedback but rather give me compliments and love and adoration.

and i have always been a massive slut for mankind's adoration towards me.

so i will get constructive criticism later. now i just have to sit back, relax, and hopefully see 30 people tell me i am gorgeous and talented.

[praisingrain]

i am back in this strange time zone, and i could do without being up all night - i would prefer to be awake during the day.

but the day is not as quiet. everyone else lives their lives in this house then, and i don't feel as comfortable being awake when they conduct their lives. because over the last few months, i am seeing my parents differently. i dont want to be awake when they are awake. because then they might see me and hear me sing. and i can only sing when i know they aren't listening.

its anxiety and thats what it is and i need to face my fears because i know that i need to get better. but there are a lot of pros to being up so late. the quiet and the privacy for one, but also time isn't real and i can eat whatever i want.

that's true all of the time anyway, but especially now that i am not being observed and cannot be seen committing food crimes.

[praisingrain]

i actually did work

i talked with a friend about lasanga and i did the work.

now i think i need to find a way to do that work at a time thats not night.

and im having good talks with my partner. its feeling pretty good.

[praisingrain]

its been a bad day. i dont particularly want to do anything, not even things i like. im addicted to my phone and youtube and stuff. watching other people be productive and living vicariously through my partner, which isnt really healthy at all.

i tried to exercise but i just kept stopping and crying. i think its due to the sugar and my alcohol withdrawal. im trying to be sober but its really hard.

its not like my life is bad, but i am just really tired and sad and feel like its my fault somehow. i really want to find something that anchors me and brings me joy, where i actually want to stay. but i dont know if its an ep or something else. it might be dance, but everyone is advising me not to buy a pole because i havent used one before. fair enough! i can build my strength up another way.

but yeah. im sad.

i also just did the cliche of writing 'i miss you' and then erasing it immediately so i am looking forward to therapy honestly