SELF_AWARE_

i'm neolution-bred.

[prclone]

evil lesbian racheI duncan rise

[avadaniels]

ORPHAN BLACK

Answer me this, Professor. Why Sarah? Of all of us, how is it the unmonitored tramp was successful?

Tatiana Maslany as Rachel Duncan

[prclone]

orphan black starters, episode 1-5.      (suicide ment.)

i’m back in town. 

well that’s not fair, is it? 

bitch. 

stop the train! 

you look like crap. 

i hit him first this time. with an ashtray. so he’s a little blue. 

you’ve been gone for almost a year. 

i saw a girl kill herself. 

when you’re a poor little orphan foster wretch, anything’s possible. 

i haven’t seen her in like a year.

any second, someone’s gonna ID the body, and it’s game over. 

you’re damn right. 

suddenly you don’t give a damn, i get pissed. 

you’ll probably take off again. 

i panicked. where’s your wit gone? you haven’t called me dipshit all day. 

you don’t have to babysit me, dipshit. 

i know this thing has got you all twisted up, but you gotta forgive yourself. 

i’m having trouble with detail, so i’m not sure i should say anything at all. 

try to separate mistake from result. 

can we get the elephant out of the room? 

the last thing i am is special. 

if that was my boyfriend, i’d jump in front of a train too. 

the whole sad point is nobody would notice if i died. 

let me finish what i started and the i’ll come back for you and her, yeah? 

you’re gonna disappear again? 

you’re already dead. 

it’s gonna be an intimate memorial piss-up. 

you know what, first though, you need a shower and a xanax. 

are you back on the meds? 

call me or i’ll squeeze your bloody bollocks in a vice– 

it was always fight or flight with her. 

i still want us to be together. it can work, yeah? 

someone shot her right in front of me. 

there’s blood everywhere! 

you need to get rid of the body! 

i can’t figure out why she killed herself. 

i have a knife and i will stab you in the face. 

i was mad at you so i decided to blow all the money from your stolen coke on it. 

why are you suddenly dressing like a punk rock ho? 

you’re not ready for this. you need to take more time. 

i can see it’s killing you, but you stopped talking to me months ago. 

i can’t keep waking up every night, checking your breathing, worried you’re mixing your meds, booze, god knows what else – 

i’m not dirty. i just freaked out. 

i told her to freeze. she didn’t. she ran. 

you’re making me nervous. 

they’re gonna start to dig. and if they dig, they find the pills. 

i’ve got to carry what i did. 

do you want a cuppa? 

i think whatever she found out drove her nuts and she topped herself. 

i’ll call back at midnight. 

why would you go in my room? 

rock and roll. 

who am i speaking to?

i’m a few, no familly too. who am i? 

why lord, why me? i never wanted any part of this. 

do i wear a huge ‘kick me’ sign on my back?

hide your ugly face on the way out. 

i had to go to bed, bath and beyond, okay? nobody wants to admit that. 

what the hell did you say to the shrink? 

what are you gonna say to change her mind? 

what’s the difference between a mood stabiliser and an antipsychotic again? 

why do you have to be such a hard-ass? 

i just need you to be my backup, okay? 

you’re gonna shoot me while your kids are sleeping? 

i was running from my own shit. 

she was losing it. like, clinically. 

you’re not supposed to be parked here at night. 

do not shoot me please! 

you point a gun at my brother again and i will kick the living shite out of you! 

last i checked, it was illegal, let alone impossible. 

am i going insane? 

body’s chewed up pretty bad. 

i think that some idiot didn’t realise they were burying a body next to an active quarry. 

do you have a criminal record? 

wasted youth, alright? 

wow… welcome to the trip, man. 

let me see your weapon. 

just give me an hour or two to get up to speed for christ’s sake.

if you ask me about that money one more time, i swear to god, it’s going in the shredder. 

do you know who shot her in the head? 

who’s killing us? 

that’s good. try and keep your sense of humour. 

you think someone’s jerking your chain? 

i should probably get back to my real job now. 

you could rob me blind. 

we’re hoping you realise you can’t run away from this. 

you cannot hide in minimalist furniture! 

i think you’re being a bitch.

how would you like it if i started pulling this schizophrenic hot-and-cold crap on you?

the body dump doesn’t match the professional hit. 

this perp’s got some deep-seated spiritual problems. 

i think he went into one of the abandoned buildings here. 

i should have had your back. 

look, shit happens fast, okay? 

i’m not gonna let you drive me home like an invalid. 

hey, you’re not gonna hug me, are you? 

now can you please tell me what in the hell happened to your face? 

it’s not about revenge.

she was on this killer’s hit list and now i am. 

if she’s not dead, we need to find her. find out what she knows. 

i just need some time to myself. 

name me one homicide ever pinned on a female sniper. 

female killers tend to suffer from chronic detachment. isolation breeds sociopaths. 

you could have killed me, but here we are. 

anybody else feel like they have a target on their back? 

i don’t think you understand the situation here. 

you’re a punk! be one! 

no wonder she wants to leave.

you’re like a completely different person these days. 

it’s this case. it’s a bitch. 

we don’t bring that shit in here, right? 

what’re you gaping at? 

you ever fight a woman? 

they do say, crazy makes you strong. 

if you’re hearing this, you found a body. 

you’re different than the others. 

i think i’m dying. 

i came out the woodwork. where did you come from? 

i’m sorry about this but it’s very important that you keep this a secret. 

well, unleash the doves. world peace must be right around the corner. 

i came back to prove that i could, but i’m not doing anybody any good. 

so the killer is still out there? 

you’d stab me in the eye with a nail file? 

you’re shaking like a leaf. 

there’s the gun you wanted. 

last time i checked, i’m the only one defending us. 

i’m gonna shoot his balls off. 

i don’t leave prints when i burgle. 

she wasn’t messing around, was she? 

you silly bitch, would you get your fanny out of there? 

i’m entitled to a little privacy. 

you were the one who introduced me to punk rock. 

stay in school. 

you bitch! you faked it! how could you goddamn do this to me?! 

are you still concerned about her mental health? 

how’d you do it? 

we were on top of the world! 

we were parasites. 

is every man in your life a complete wanker, except me? 

i’m about to go in and shoot him in the balls. 

this is our chance to get answers. 

i thought you handed in your sidearm. 

well, apparently, i’ve got a stalker. 

i didn’t mean to get all tangled up with you. 

if she really is dead, how do i know you didn’t kill her? 

she killed herself because the man she loved turned her whole life into a lie.

this is a sick test, isn’t it? isn’t it?! 

you think i had a choice? 

[prclone]

much to think about...

[prclone]

🔪 stab beth, rachel

meme.

it’s tempting, the way the metal glimmers back at her and the thin band of light glints directly into her eyes. it’s tempting to run the blade across her throat and see the end of her biological counterpart, or to press the tip against a soft stretch of skin at her neck and watch her squirm as red beads at the ingress. it’s tempting to see the end of this now, to watch her bleed out and clean her hands of all of it entirely. 

beth childs has a mouth that doesn’t know when it should stop. beth childs needs nothing more than to learn her place – she’s a clone. she’s not real. (the difference is that rachel’s always felt pity for the others – they don’t know what they are. they live in the dark and scurry around like it’s their place to feel anything or see anything different. they’re lab rats with needles pressed into different parts of their brains just to see what makes them tick – but she’s different. she’s self-aware.)

there’s an icy calm that she clings to because if she doesn’t, she’ll tear it all down herself, with nothing but teeth and claws. her heart’s about to thump out of her chest, and that one deep breath that holds itself in the back of her throat is the only thing that keeps her from pushing the blade into beth’s eye and watching as the blood drips off the blade from the other side.

 i was born for this. i was made for this. this is what i need. this is what i’m entitled to. not beth, not any other clone that starts to get restless and decides they should be more. (more than just another pet to be prodded and poked but eventually put down after they’ve come to the end of their usefulness. beth childs has come to the end of her usefulness.)

               “it seems you were finally right about something, beth.”      through all the messed, cloyed webs of conspiracies and question marks, there’s one thing that still sticks in her mind from the determined stare she gives and the blood in her mouth that’s still there.

                          “we should’ve left you in front of that train.”    she turns, and the action is swift – the knife finds deep flesh in her abdomen and she thrusts it hard, deep, feels the whitening of her knuckles as she clenches the hilt as though her life depends on it. (it feels like it does, feels as though it’s pulsing beneath her skin like an impulse she’s finally able to satisfy. you should’ve died. they all should die.)

[prclone]

obscurewitchboy.

TOUCH MEME

send a symbol for my muse to react to yours… (or add +reverse for my muse to touch yours)

VIOLENT 🔪 – stabbing them 👊 – punching them ✋ – slapping them in the face 👞 – kicking them 🎀 – pulling their hair

FLUFFY/FRIENDLY 🍭 – stroking their hair 🖐 – high fiving them 🤝 – holding their hand 👄– kissing them on their [place of choice] 👐 – hugging them 💅 – painting their [finger/toe] nails  🤧 – comforting them when crying 🤒 – caring for them when sick/injured 💃 – dancing with them 👗 – adjusting their clothes 👒 – brushing their hair

NSFW 👋 – spanking them on the booty 💋 – giving them an open mouth kiss 👅 – giving them a love bite on [place of choice] ✌️ – fingering them/jerking them off 💦 – eating them out 💫 – pulling their hair 🔥 – grinding against them 💧 – bathing them

[luntfontanne]

A Child Raised by Neolution: Love, Loss and Rachel Duncan

[prclone]

badcode:

[reposting this ask as a text post for anon]

I don’t know if this is an original idea at all, but I’ve always thought that there was an important distinction between Cosima saying Rachel was raised totally self-aware and Rachel saying she has been self-aware since she was a child.

“Being raised” a certain way implies that she has always known, that she was never told anything otherwise. “Since she was a child” implies that she was told at some point in her childhood, and I think that makes a huge difference in terms of the effect on her psychological development.

I don’t believe Ethan and Susan ever would have told her (they would have loved her too much; they would have thought they were doing what was best and protecting her from the truth). I think she would have been told by Leekie after the lab explosion, so the knowledge of what she was would always be associated with 1) the trauma of losing her parents and 2) the fact that Ethan and Susan had lied to her for her whole life:

(“the man she loved turned her whole life into a lie”—think of how much that fucked Beth up, and imagine what it would do to a child)

Rachel would always wonder whether they truly loved her as a daughter, or as their prized experiment. And there would be that constant internal conflict between those two emotions, between wanting to hate them and not being able to because they were still her parents, they still acted like they loved her, treated her with warmth—warmth that she would never know again. So this brings us back back to Rachel’s fake memories:

We could explain her adult psychology as being the result of the trauma of losing her parents at a young age and ‘being thrust into the cold, unfeeling, corporate arms of Neolution,’ as I think I’ve put it before. However, while I don’t want to by any means minimize the trauma of being orphaned at a young age, I have trouble believing that that’s all there is to the story. Watching her interactions with Ethan, I can’t help but feel that her animosity toward him extends beyond his sudden (faked) death during her childhood and even his recent return into her life.

Her sense of his betrayal runs deeper than death or abandonment, deeper even than the lie of a faked death. His lie was worse than that. Ethan betrayed his creation, his daughter, in the most visceral and fundamental way possible: he denied her a sense of identity. He took away her reality. He stripped her of her humanity.

She doesn’t remember her childhood because it doesn’t feel real to her. The exact question Ethan asks her is “Do you recall, Rachel, not the memory, but the feeling of how much we loved you?”

Rachel does not remember—and it is precisely this, the feeling of how much her parents loved her, that she does not remember. Their love for her is what her abrupt self-awareness would have called into question. Among other things, probably, but for a young child, that’s what would have stuck with her.

I honestly don’t know whether Rachel would have been better off had she actually been raised self-aware. I’d like to think that she would have been, if her loving parents had told her that she was special and different, but that didn’t mean they loved her any less or loved her as anything other than a daughter. Maybe the knowledge that she was the only self-aware clone still might have caused her to develop, as Cosima assumed, a profound sense of narcissism. Maybe she still would think of herself as elite. But she most certainly would have turned out differently.

[prclone]

‘  where is my goddamn shoe?  ‘

meme.

              “try under the bed.”

she glances, briefly, to stella, before she slips out of bed, draws the silk robe from its hanger and slides it over her shoulders. the binds lay strewn across the bed, and the detective’s wrists still glow with a faint strip of pink from when she’d tug and jerk against them, and after a moment of staring at the ceiling, both of them are back into the throes of their lives.

stella’s leaving, rachel’s reaching for her phone and sifting through email updates and checking her calendar for the rest of the day’s schedule. meeting with leekie, reservations at 8 – she’ll shower and prep when the door shuts behind stella and they both go back to their lives, ignoring men, in heels and skirts.

                  “i expect i’ll be seeing you soon.”     she fastens the belt of her robe and when stella fishes the shoe out from under the bed, she catches her jaw in one hand and tugs her to face her. the kiss is hard, void of tenderness, and is used to claim before anything else, with the way her her teeth graze at her lower lip and how rachel smirks into it. (for a moment, she considers tugging, pulling, ripping at the skin and tasting the way she bleeds for her, but the urge passes and she releases her from her grip.)

                                               “until then, stella.”

[prclone]

Susan Duncan & Ethan Duncan: *fakes own death so child can be given to a business that will raise her*

Susan Duncan & Ethan Duncan: *gets mad at her for turning out like a cold hearted, self centred bitch*

[prclone]

‘  politics and poetry, promises, these are lies.  ‘

meme.

she knows politics well, knows the ins and outs of business and pleasure – she’s accustomed to the tense prick at the curve of her arm and the sight of red slipping down into a tube for sampling. monitoring. she always thinks there’s answers in that blood, a permutation that makes her different to any other batch or organic material spread across the globe. there’s something, there has to be. self-awareness isn’t where the truth ends, and it’s not where she bites and tastes the sting of coppery blood agains the inside of her cheek.

(the book still sits in the back of her mind, pages worn and corners folded, inscriptions and scrawls tapered in each margin in black, smudged ink and soft pencil lines, and there’s still a voice in the back of her head when she thinks of it. that book should’ve burned in the lab fire, and maybe it wouldn’t feel like her own heart being carved out of her chest when the tea took ethan in front of her. i’m sorry, rachel, you just don’t deserve me anymore.) 

      “– an animal may be ferocious and cunning enough, but it takes a real man to lie.”

she recites it like she read it yesterday, and she pauses for a long beat before she glances back over at the detective. her involvement here is still hazy, and somehow passes into the rather grey sections of dyad itself. (they can’t have that though, and perhaps she’s stumbled into a little more than she can chew without an… unexpectedly brief outcome.)

                    “i suppose it’s rather fitting in this day and age. lies.”

[prclone]

‘ vengeance is like an open wound. ‘

meme.

delphine speaks and rachel takes more than a beat to let it register, because the concept itself is more foreign than she’d care to admit. her life is spent punishing – hurting and harming when her odds seem less than likely with each passing day. they wouldn’t put a clone at the head of neolution. they wouldn’t put a clone at the head of dyad. they wouldn’t put a clone in any facet of power. they wouldn’t put her anywhere she could do any real damage.

(she’s grown into this. she’s grown for this. each day, she’d sift through articles, worming her way through old businessmen that wanted nothing more than to see her fall, and young businessmen that wanted nothing more than to see her splayed open beneath the sheets. she’ll do none of that – she’ll watch as everyone else falls. she’ll watch as sarah manning loses every morsel of luck that’s made her a poor mutational tramp with a child to show for her ingrained will to survive. sarah has caused nothing but headaches and eye twitches, and rachel seethes like the rage is about to split her seams.)

               “sarah manning is nothing more than a shoddy dna mutation. i don’t want vengeance, delphine. i demand justice.”

                         sarah manning drove a pencil into her brain. she’s a tramp with fists and bared teeth that needs to be put down like the dog that she really is – and all she has to do is apply the right pressure and watch the bitch squirm.

[prclone]

hey hi hello let’s talk physical trauma!

               OK SO at the end of season two, we see rachel’s fall from power when sarah propels a pencil through her eye to escape the dyad labs, but this is way more than just a big up yours from sarah and has affected her more than just being incredibly painful. the science behind this kind of extensive penetrating brain damage really depends on case-by-case bases due to the complexity of the brain itself and the degree of damage. for example, rachel isn’t a full on phineas gage but ascertaining her symptoms suggests a deep(ish) penetration depending on the speed of the propellant (pressurised foam from the fire extinguisher).

rachel is stabbed in the left eye by the pencil and the pencil is probably propelled into the temporal lobe, being one of the lower, frontal regions of the brain, responsible for recognition of auditory stimuli, speech, understanding written and verbal material, facial recognition, taste, aggression, sexual behaviour, and memory, otherwise known as executive functions of the brain and ‘higher’ functions. these are complex and can cause serious damage.

we see a few of these symptomised by rachel’s aphasia, speech therapy, and art therapy, but she seems to suffer for a season and then is back to being the heinous bitch we all love to hate. i don’t think that’s entirely accurate (even despite the neolution eye… there’ll still be damaged brain tissue) due to the huge impact that the temporal lobe has on psychology and basic functions like speech and writing. 

if you look at the anatomy of the brain with relation to the face, behind the left eye is the superior temporal gyrus (STG), medius (MTG), and inferior (ITG). the STG is responsible for the understanding and processing of sounds (due to the presence of the auditory cortex), the processing of emotion and understanding social cues. it makes sense to me that rachel will have difficulty recognising and ‘reading’ people, which makes her job as dyad’s CEO that much harder because trying to form business deals with people she can’t read is… difficult to say the least. (the worst part in all this is how utterly useless she feels, and how frustrated she gets when she can’t communicate due to the aphasia. that’s the worst part for her; lack of communication.) rachel presents symptoms of auditory agnosia.

the MTG sits right behind the eye and would be where the most damage was done, because it has been associated with ascertaining distance, understanding reading and facial recognition. she has poor depth and distance perception as a result of this, and struggles with understanding written words. it wouldn’t surprise me if she struggled with facial recognition (prosopagnosia), for example, when she first saw ferdinand again after the injury, but she’d play it off because he’d see it as weak (that’s another thing for another meta because hoooo boy). 

the ITG is responsible for visual recognition and rachel has visual agnosia as a result of damage to it. this is where she struggles to understand visual stimuli, which we see when she’s tested with images and whether she understands them. she is less affected by this because it was damaged the least. the pencil had an upwards propulsion and damaged more of the MTG and STG. speech aphasia occurs due to the injury of the broca’s area in the inferior temporal gyrus.

we see that rachel suffers from mild paraplegia and this can be as a result of intracerebral haemorrhaging (this is incredibly likely due to the force at which the pencil penetrated: a lot of bleeding would occur as a result of the vast web of blood vessels in the brain and its capillary network). she spent the majority of her time on the island recovering and rehabilitating her ability to walk. we can infer that rachel has ataxia as a result of this trauma.

here’s a neat audio clip talking about some parts of it.

[prclone]

"took me a while to find you." - Mark

@govtdna.

                    “what, trapped in my own coffin?”

she’s come to one conclusion, against the backdrop of clinically white walls and an ominous air of empty that flows through each room like a gust of wind from the conservatory doors, that this is where they’re all going to die, buried under the foundations of neolution itself. there’s no cure, and soon enough, a cluster of clones will become nothing more than failed experimental material. sterile, organic material that’ll rot and decay just like anything else in history. irrelevant. obsolete. 

             she refuses to become nothing more than a number, or a genetic tag in a clump of data that’s been shredded and burned thirty years ago. but now, she’s itching, and clawing for her own bitter vengeance before blood starts lining her lungs and wetting her palm with every cough. susan wants to keep her here. susan will have to do just that.

                                   “– or should i say our coffin, castor?”

[prclone]

Will you ever calm down.

           “– i don’t recall paying you to tell me to calm down, alana.”      she pays her to dig around in her brain in the most superficial way possible, and if it were completely up to her, alana bloom’s contract would have been terminated upon aldous’s death. she’s still adamant that a therapist isn’t the best use of alana’s time, and with every passing day, she’s finding more and more uses for her, some more explicit than others.

she keeps her around because she knows more about her than she’d like anyone to know – although alana tends to prise it out with snide remarks and heavy dosing of wine. but there’s safety in knowing where she is at most times. there’s safety in knowing just how easily alana bloom can be snuffed out, or silenced, to whichever extent she requires it.

               (sarah manning took everything from her, from her individuality to her basic brain function. she took away her speech, and her mobility, and left her stranded on an island with her dead mother while she rehabilitated herself. i’m not interested in calming down or being in any way approachable. sarah manning needs to learn her place.)

         “she put a… – pencil into my brain. i cannot allow that, alana.”

[prclone]

              𝐔𝐏  𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒,  𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐄.

[prclone]

hey hi hello let’s talk physical trauma!

               OK SO at the end of season two, we see rachel’s fall from power when sarah propels a pencil through her eye to escape the dyad labs, but this is way more than just a big up yours from sarah and has affected her more than just being incredibly painful. the science behind this kind of extensive penetrating brain damage really depends on case-by-case bases due to the complexity of the brain itself and the degree of damage. for example, rachel isn’t a full on phineas gage but ascertaining her symptoms suggests a deep(ish) penetration depending on the speed of the propellant (pressurised foam from the fire extinguisher).

rachel is stabbed in the left eye by the pencil and the pencil is probably propelled into the temporal lobe, being one of the lower, frontal regions of the brain, responsible for recognition of auditory stimuli, speech, understanding written and verbal material, facial recognition, taste, aggression, sexual behaviour, and memory, otherwise known as executive functions of the brain and ‘higher’ functions. these are complex and can cause serious damage.

we see a few of these symptomised by rachel’s aphasia, speech therapy, and art therapy, but she seems to suffer for a season and then is back to being the heinous bitch we all love to hate. i don’t think that’s entirely accurate (even despite the neolution eye... there’ll still be damaged brain tissue) due to the huge impact that the temporal lobe has on psychology and basic functions like speech and writing. 

if you look at the anatomy of the brain with relation to the face, behind the left eye is the superior temporal gyrus (STG), medius (MTG), and inferior (ITG). the STG is responsible for the understanding and processing of sounds (due to the presence of the auditory cortex), the processing of emotion and understanding social cues. it makes sense to me that rachel will have difficulty recognising and ‘reading’ people, which makes her job as dyad’s CEO that much harder because trying to form business deals with people she can’t read is... difficult to say the least. (the worst part in all this is how utterly useless she feels, and how frustrated she gets when she can’t communicate due to the aphasia. that’s the worst part for her; lack of communication.) rachel presents symptoms of auditory agnosia.

the MTG sits right behind the eye and would be where the most damage was done, because it has been associated with ascertaining distance, understanding reading and facial recognition. she has poor depth and distance perception as a result of this, and struggles with understanding written words. it wouldn’t surprise me if she struggled with facial recognition (prosopagnosia), for example, when she first saw ferdinand again after the injury, but she’d play it off because he’d see it as weak (that’s another thing for another meta because hoooo boy). 

the ITG is responsible for visual recognition and rachel has visual agnosia as a result of damage to it. this is where she struggles to understand visual stimuli, which we see when she’s tested with images and whether she understands them. she is less affected by this because it was damaged the least. the pencil had an upwards propulsion and damaged more of the MTG and STG. speech aphasia occurs due to the injury of the broca’s area in the inferior temporal gyrus.

we see that rachel suffers from mild paraplegia and this can be as a result of intracerebral haemorrhaging (this is incredibly likely due to the force at which the pencil penetrated: a lot of bleeding would occur as a result of the vast web of blood vessels in the brain and its capillary network). she spent the majority of her time on the island recovering and rehabilitating her ability to walk. we can infer that rachel has ataxia as a result of this trauma.

here’s a neat audio clip talking about some parts of it.

[antisocialclimber]

[cloningfailure]

@prclone