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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”

Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”

Man ~ “No, thanks.”

Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”

Man ~ “OK, how much?”

Boy ~ “$250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”

Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy ~ “$750?

Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

badjokesbyjeff

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”

Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in.

Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died.

“Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!”

Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him:

“Tell me about the day you died”

“Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”

newtonpermetersquare

Graphs! Graphs! Graphs!

badjokesbyjeff

Curious little Johnny

It’s the story about a divorced mom and her 10y old son Johnny. One night, Johnny wakes up and has an urge to go the toilet. When he comes back crossing the hallway, he hears some noise from his mother’s room. Intrigued, he looks through the keyhole of the door. He sees his mother lying on the bed, topless, and fondling her breasts, while moaning: “I want a man… I NEED a man … Oh, Lord! Please give me a MAN !” Johnny is shocked and confused, he don’t know what’s going on, but he realize that this is not his business! He ran back to his room and into his bed. Some days later, Johnny wake up again in the middle of the night, goes to the loo, and while coming back, he hears some more and louder noise from Mom’s room. Johnny knows it is bad to spy on people, but the curiosity is too strong, the looks through the key hole. He sees his mother in the bed with a young muscular man, and they are doing it… More shocked than ever, Johnny knows that this is not for his eyes, so he goes back to sleep. A few days later, it is his mom who wakes up in the night with an urge. As she come back to her room, she notice some noise coming from Johnny’s room. She goes there and have a look through the key hole of the door… And she sees little Johnny laying on his bed, having removed the top of his pyjama, touching and fondling his chest, while moaning: “I want an X-box… I NEED an X-box… Oh, Lord! Please give me a X-BOX !!”

ripe

annekasvenskaofficial on ig

thelordismyg0d-deactivated20221

carlottastudios

OMG

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the sad thing is, everyone thinks they’re so forgettable, or they don’t mean anything to anyone. but you don’t see your high school friend, smiling to themselves, when they think about your quirks or how dramatic you used to be whenever you got a crush. you don’t see the person who saw you around a lot but was always too shy to talk to you. you don’t remember the person you helped, and maybe you didn’t do much for them, but you didn’t know that they were having a shitty month and you sparked their first real smile in weeks. you don’t see the person that secretly loved you too, who never forgot the soft words that you said, or the way you smiled whenever you saw them, or how you reminded them of sunshine and flowers; and how the thought of you pops into their mind more than you will ever know and in the randomest of places. you will never know that a soft song or strawberries or a sunset will remind someone of you. they will go to the beach and think of you for some reason, until they remember that the last time they saw a color as beautiful and as profound as the ocean was when they looked in your eyes. no one knows their impact on people, or their worth. no one thinks they will be missed when they leave, but they don’t know that once you go into someone’s life, even for a fleeting moment, you stay forever, and you take up a soft place that no one else could ever replace.

thursday

*starts paper the night before its due* *puts a date from several days ago to imply to teachers that i am a diligent student who knows how to manage my time wisely*

avivi

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