Ben
I know the chances of you ever actually reading this are so low. But I'm taking a chance that maybe someday in the future you'll be curious enough to look up my old high school tumblr account.
There's so many things I wish I could say to you. I wish we could still be friends. I'm sorry that we didn't work out romantically and now we can't even work out as friends. You were my best friend. And I want you to know that all of this time the past year and a half, the unanswered messages and the half-hearted messages weren't because I didn't care about you or value you. I was only doing that because I didn't want to hurt you more than you were already hurting. I didn't want to make you feel stuck always trying to see if there were signs in between the lines of what I was saying.
We haven't talked for over five months. And I'm sure you think that I didn't notice that because I never reached out to you, but I did. I think about you, Ben. I think about you on your birthday when I don't send the message that I know I want to send. I think about you on random holidays that I know you would reach out to me on. I think about you on a random Thursday when I'm really missing my friend. I miss you and I miss our friendship. But I was trying to do what I thought you needed to be able to get over me. Your friendship is so valuable. You are such a great human being. You are kind and caring. You're thoughtful. You're all of the good things you think you aren't.
It hurts so bad knowing that you are setting a boundary to protect yourself and that boundary includes us never interacting. But I understand that it is what you need to live your best life. And I'm so fucking happy for you. I just want you to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted. But I think I can be sad in the meantime of what it means I'm losing too. I'm losing a best friend of over a decade. I'm losing someone who always looked out for me, answered when I needed him, and made me laugh the way no one else did.
I love you so much, Ben. You are a part of my family, and you will always be. Don't ever for one second think that time or boundaries erase what you are to me. It could be 50 years from now and I will always accept you with open arms.
If you're ever second-guessing reaching out to me for literally any reason, don't let the way that our last conversation ended be what makes you decide not to. I'm not a stupid 20-year-old anymore yelling that you should have to choose between me and someone else, or that if you leave now we'll never talk again. People grow and people change, and perhaps a boundary that was needed before will grow into something that is no longer needed. And there would be no hard feelings in that.
You are amazing. You are loved, even from a distance. I hope everything turns out the way you always wanted it to. You deserve that.
I will always be here for you and I will always love you. If you ever need me, you are always encouraged to reach out.
I love you, Ben.
