It's been a while 👋🏼😅💕
It’s been a while. Quite a Long while since I update daily on here - I can’t believe how much my life have changed since March last year. Technically things changed for the worse in June 2015 and before I know it, it’s march 2016 and I barely update since. Well, I Guess that’s procrastination for you. Then April 2016 rolled around and I turned 20, I remember myself crying. I was walking around like a crying bomb, ready to burst out in tears any seconds. But!!!! I did went out later that night - it’s a pretty unique night I’ve got to say.
Anyway, fast forward a year later and here I am. I’m a lot better than I am since that big mess in June 2015. It’s almost 2 years since - well, not exactly but oh well, Guess rounding up won’t hurt. So much have happened since, first off I’ve been to court because of sis, and then I mustered the courage to tell psych everything and to which by March this year, I’ve finally changed a new psych team at another hospital and so far, the psychologist is working out nicely; I can’t say the same for the psychiatrist since we have yet to have our second appt. I’ve also visited India and a few other countries last June which the entire holiday lasted 26 days. So many things happened; and some of which I’m quite hesitant to update about because I don’t know where to start since it’s been a while since I even update!
Anyway…. I’ve just cried so badly earlier. The feelings I am so desperately trying to avoid came floating back. And at this point I’m well aware that it’s all because of expectations, for birthday serves as a reminder of all things we have yet to accomplished, all the ways we are behind our peers, and/or all the things we are lacking or feel so inadequate about. To which, I checked all of them.
and as I turned another year, here’s to my 20 year old self; the self that I’ve believe started my 20s on a good note (trust me when I say I start it on a good note! It did, else read the paragraphs before this AGAIN!😂😐) & I intend to keep it so.
that I hope you may become wiser as you turn a year old (and I said “I hope” because I know the quote, “wisdom comes with age but sometimes, age comes alone.” would come to mind.) and that you remain genuine and true to yourself - and that you never blame yourself for all these lost time because there’s always something, a lesson, to learn from it. Not all is lost. After all, “it’s not a failure if you enjoy it.” so it really is about the experience, about all the little things life throws your way.
You have not been self harming (cutting) for a long while now and you haven’t been in a psychiatric ward for a year or so now. you’re doing so much better than before and most importantly, you held on to all the things you can find and survived. You’ve survived the worst, and now I’m sure you can survive anything life throws your way; yes, I know I know, you never quite make it out the same as you are before but… you’ve grown to be so much more resilient! Oh and empathetic! You’ve no longer an emotionless, cold or a robot anymore! and I hope you keep that with you.
you’ve found your way back despite it all, and you’re back on the path of self discovery. It’s been very painful, difficult and filled with tons of failures and a route that’s very different from your peers but look at you go!! life is not a rat race and there’s no need to feel inferior or compare yourself because there’s no one that’s you and it’s not fair to compare their life to yours at all! And I hope you remember all of that. There’s so much to come; yes, both the good and bad. But when you’re going through the dark times, always remember and be encouraged by the fact that this must meant that it’s always a matter of time before the good rolls around and the storm blows over.
and as times pass, I hope you only get better (mentally) and that you would eventually be free from the realm of mental disorders. That you never ever have to experience such pain again. you deserve good even on days when you don’t think so.
And to all of you guys who are still here and reading this, to the ones who bother to read it all, and the ones that stuck around and check up on me so every now and then, thank you. thank you so much :’) I’m honestly so thankful for the fact that you are still here with me even when the times been hard as fuck. 😭💕
It’s been such a mentally distressing day but I’m safe and I’m here, which is a huge thing because when did I ever expect myself to live this long oh woah.
And I think for once I’ve realised that I might be so ever slowly coming to terms and overcoming these feelings on a difficult day - that I’m okay even if I don’t get out of the house (yes I literally spend it counting down while I’m typing this on my bed 😕🙃) and go for a drink while I pretend the clock isn’t ticking away & this day don’t exist and isn’t happening at all.
