Why I am not your fetish.
“You’re my Arab princess.”
“I love your cinnamon skin, my little brown girl.”
“You’re South Asian? I hope you’re spicy lol.”
These are all verbatim things that men have said to me, and I want to talk about why it is distasteful.
If you are into “Muslim girls,” “Arab girls,” or “Desi girls,” this is direct to you. No hate, maybe a little bit of anger, but mostly I want you to understand how it feels when you call us “exotic” or say you’re into [demographic]. No matter what the intention, the end result is diminishing: you are projecting onto me your own monolithic assumptions about what you think I am. You are approaching me with a cultural stereotype in mind. And more often than not, these assumptions don’t even remotely fit the real me.
It boils down to not seeing me as a person before all else. Instead, you are choosing to see my (supposed) religion first, or my (supposed) ethnicity first. The problem with this is that I am a person before any other descriptor. I would much rather talk about what movies I’m into than how “exotic” you find me. And the fact that you would not makes me feel a bit like a circus act.
Let’s take the Muslim girl “fetish.” So many men have approached me saying they are into Muslim girls, and I always bristle at this generalization. Always.
The problem is that Muslim women are not a monolith. The largest Muslim population is in Indonesia (bet you didn’t know that, Muslim fetishist!). The second largest is Pakistan’s, third largest India’s. And yet, 99% of the time when a guy says he has a Muslim fetish he is imagining a hijab-clad woman in the Middle East.
Guess what? Muslim women are just as likely to wear hijab as not wear hijab. Some Muslim women pray. Some Muslim women don’t pray. Some Muslim women celebrate Eid in shalwar kameez, some in abayas, some in dresses. Some Muslim women are pious and some are not. Some Muslim women have tons and tons of sex, some Muslim women are sexually reserved. The population is so diverse that it begs the question, what are you imagining in your sexual fantasies? What are you imagining when you say “I like Muslim women”?
Yes, raceplay is a kink. Religion play is a kink. But the people involved in those kinks make a choice to be seen in that way. Muslim girls involved in Muslim play make the choice to fetishize their religion. They make a choice to play with a trusted partner in a stereotyping way. When you fetishize me in that way from the beginning, you rob me of that choice.
If you want to race play or religion play, find a girl who chooses to do so. Who enjoys it. With whom you know you are entering a pretend world of fetishizing and stereotyping. I know a bunch of them and they’re all pretty awesome.
You know what should be more important on this medium than the color of my skin or the religion you think I practice? My fetishes. Your fetishes. What we have in common. And yet I’m more likely to get asked if I am Muslim than “what do you enjoy about ddlg?” That is what indicates to me that you are not seeing my personality, but rather a set of projections and assumptions about what you want me to be. It makes me feel so, so angry and objectified.
I am not some “pious Muslim slut.” I am not your Desi “exotic beauty.” I am not your “Arab princess.”