it’s extremely weird knowing that most people probably don’t like, actively and aggressively hate trans women but pretty much everyone has been exposed to enormous amounts of transmisogynistic ideas and think pieces in main stream media that proposes all these ideas, states lots of false claims as fact, and begs questions about the material and existential threat the existence of trans women pose.
like there are tonnes of people that are able to see that this stuff is coming from a place of bigotry, but they’re still passively absorbing this messaging and, unless they are actively seeking it out, are never exposed to anything that challenges that messaging in any specific way.
so you get a lot of people who are generally supportive of trans women and trans rights, but still have been primed to having these leading questions and ideas sitting in the back of their mind, never really thinking about or understanding the realities that trans women face, waiting for some single experience to trigger their confirmation bias. a kind of background mental process that one is not aware of, a vigilance that says “ok, those messages are bigoted but what if there’s some element of truth, it’s better to be on the lookout just in case” coz no one got eaten by the tiger they thought was there but wasn’t, but plenty got eaten by the tiger they didn’t think was there.
and so you know this is a general phenomenon that most “accepting” people are unaware of, but you don’t know how affected any given person is or how much of it is responsible for your negative experiences like how much of this is paranoia and how much is reality, and when it’s just kind of permeating the atmosphere so you can’t see it or point to it.
also you can’t talk about it or bring it up because that generally makes it worse, like how dare you tell someone who has been so accepting that they still have some transmisogynistic biases. that’s you telling someone who is good that they are actually bad and nothing evokes a defensive response like that, and nothing makes them see you as never being satisfied and so angry all the time and maybe that’s a holdover from your male socialisation and that this attitude is in fact coming from a place of entitlement and masculine aggression.
you definitely can’t point out the small little acts of aggression and bias because they are so very small, as singular events they are plausibly deniable and it’s only your personal perspective that sees those little things as part of a larger trend of behaviour and attitudes which you can’t really prove or explain to someone that doesn’t experience it, and even some other trans women have normalised that experience that they just accept that’s the way things are and you’re just bringing problems onto your self by raging (talking) about these things.
and the thing about all of it is, is that there’s basically nothing you can do about it. you can develop a thick skin, basically err on the side of I’m just being paranoid not because that’s necessarily true but because the alternative will literally drive you insane, which is extra fun if you, like many trans women, have experienced a great deal of personal trauma that has caused some kind of stress disorder. you can just practice being extremely patient, practice letting things go, practice speaking about issues only ever in the abstract and with very carefully chosen calm and polite words that treat the topic as an academic and intellectual exercise rather than your actual life (though not too academic lest you be condescending or abstruse).
but on the whole, you can’t change people’s thoughts and internalised messages or even know them. you can never fully trust anyone save for, if you are lucky, a select few people who will most likely be others with similar experiences.
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