A Caged Bird Set Free @princessctianna - Tumblr Blog

Posts

I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Or just hold me and say nothing at all. To fall asleep in someone’s embrace because God I just need some kind of loving physical touch. Yet, here I sit alone again. I could cry forever. I want to just stay home and never leave my bed for anything. This time I did it to myself. Words that escape uncontrollably like vomit. I immediately regret saying them yet I still do. So alone I sit. No one to talk to at 1am. My heart I completely broken. Shattered all over and the pieces seem impossible to put back together. God please sooner rather than later. Come quickly Jesus because I need you so badly. Please give me my best friend back. I need her. I need her to lay in bed with me and hold my hand without saying a word on my bad days. I need her to delight in my best days with joy and laughter and all of the special jokes between us. In a couple weeks on 10/10 it will be 10 years that my daddy is gone and my heart is extra sad and there’s no one else I’d want to go with me for support as I lay flowers on his grave. Super struggling lately and it is REALLY hard to do any of this without anyone by my side as support. I don’t know what to do. Lost completely. I’m angry and sad and everything in between.

Words cannot describe how awful I feel these days. A year ago, I was so excited. I was moving into a nice apartment with my best friends and a good paying job. A year later, Megan moved back home to her parents, Im barely getting by and moving into an apartment by myself. To be honest, I'm angry. I'm so mad at God for allowing this to happen. Today I was so depressed that I couldn't even get out of bed and guess who was here to just lay by my side and hold my hand? No one. Not one fucking soul cared enough to check on me. To show up and just be there for me. Fuck this whole human race. I HATE living and I wish more than anything that I was dead.

Part of me hopes that I die. I hope I die. I hope I die so that the people who have failed me miserably FEEL their failure as deeply as humanly possible. I hope they feel my absence in the same way I feel theirs now when I'm alive. I hope they feel like they wish they had done more and know that they could have but didn't care enough. But mostly I hope I die so that I don't have to feel like I wish I were dead because another person who I trusted and opened my heart to doesn't care about my existence enough to give to me their friendship in the same way I'm willing to give every bit of myself.

Most of the time I end up being really sorry for thinking of others before myself and always being willing to be the one to drop what I'm doing to help anyone who needs me no matter how I'm feeling. It comes back to bite me in times when I am the one who needs someone. Yet here I am, giving 2nd chances and 5th chances and 191th chance thinking "next time it will be different, surely someone will be there". Yet again here I am, needing someone and here I am.. ALONE. Every last person has once again failed me. Maybe if I was dead just one person at least would realize how serious it is to be there and do as asked when I am able to bravely vocalize my needs because I would have done the same for them.

#depression

The Single Struggle

Until recently, I didn’t realize how deeply I struggle with being single and how much I absolutely hate it. I hate that I’m always the only one of my friends without someone’s hand to hold. It’s not that they look at me as any less of a person, but I look at me as a lot less of a person. Oh what I would give to be able to kiss someone passionately. What I’d give to walk hand in hand with someone amazing, who would drop what they’re doing just to say hello for 5 minutes. What I would give to be picked up, doors opened and taken somewhere just because someone cares that much and believes that I’m worth the effort. I’d give anything to just even be SHOWN by anyone what it looks like. What I’d give to be loved enough that we both lose track of time but are never bored in each others presence. GOD I’d give almost anything to not ALWAYS be the only single friend. GOD I’d give everything to actually feel like someone, anyone would even want me at all. It’s such a deep issue. To always be the single one. Makes me feel like I’m being picked last in gym all over again. Like no one wants me on their team but I’m the last pick so I have to be on their team. I want so badly to be in love. To find someone special and finally be served instead of the one who is always serving others. I feel looked down upon most of the time because I don’t have someone and the next time someone asks me if I “have a boyfriend yet”, I may just explode in their face and tell them that that information is none of their business in the first place but if I ever do, I’m sure that my mother will make sure the entire world knows. Right now I’m in a place that is kind of bitter about this whole issue and I’m so very angry about it. I could go on forever about being the single friend. I have sobbed time and time again about it in recent few weeks. For once can I just NOT be the loser out of all of my friends? And if I’m going to be single for life, please just kill me instead. I’m SO serious. At this point I’d rather die than be the single friend. Put me out of my damn misery or I’ll do it myself.

#depressing thoughts #depression #single

My head is a mess and my heart at this moment is even messier. My natural response to emotional roller coasters is to stop eating. Before you ask, no, it doesn't make me feel better, actually it makes me feel even worse than I already feel. But in some way, it is an emotional release and kind of a punishment to myself. I don't know why I feel the need to punish myself for feeling emotions but I do and it sucks. Otherwise, I end up physically hurting myself. So it's one or the other. I literally cannot handle anything right now and the urge to hurt myself is very strong.

#depression #anorexia

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look in the mirror and just like what I see. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever not hate my thighs. It would be so easy to just restrict and over exercise all over again and honestly is very tempting every day. It hasn’t gotten any easier in my mind to be honest. Although on the outsides I may look so much healthier, inside I’m still dying to be frail and thin and seeing my body change is honestly an hour to hour struggle. Inside I’m still desiring to look like walking death and I’m really not sure that will ever change. My everyday struggles with food haven’t gotten any easier than it was when I wasn’t eating, so why am I eating? Pressure to do so. Which also isn’t easy. At this point I’m still not sure what, If anything, would help me but that battle will always feel like a hopeless one to fight and I kind of don’t really want to fight it anyways because I still want to look like a walking skeleton even though I don’t and my thighs and butt are gigantic. Why couldn’t I have been one of those girls that was born with a flat butt? I feel like my entire issue would be solved if I didn’t have one that was so huge. Rant over.

Another one of those nights when I can't sleep and there's no one here to comfort me and I'm angry about it. I hate people. I literally hate people and this life can just be done now. I seriously can't even handle it anymore. I want so badly to just be careless. I also want to just be completely reckless and self destructive and I'm not sure how to hold my tongue or contain my anger anymore. I want to scream and throw things and bang my head against the wall.

I hate this season. I absolutely positively entirely LOATHE it. I’ve NEVER in my life felt this lonely and this needy. Not just today, or the last few days, but every freaking day no matter who is or isn't there. All the time. It’s entirely too much for me to handle and the suicidal thoughts are so loud they drown out my own voice. I’ve also never in my life felt this much like I just want to hurt someone else’s feelings so much they feel like hell. I was almost better off with work at the ARC and I just want to quit everything right now. I want to quit my job. I want to quit Mallards. I want to quit doing everything I used to love to do, dancing, music, acting, sewing and never do it again. I want to quit absolutely everything and isolate myself until I die which I pray will be as soon as possible because I can’t handle feeling this emotionally in pain for no reason and needing someone but no one is there and even if there was anyone, it wouldn't help. I don’t even feel like I can “stick it out”. I just want to quit life.

This season of waiting is awful. I am so very impatient because I’m 27 which means that a majority of my friends are already married and have kids. Even my younger friends. This season of waiting is absolutely positively the WORST struggle right now when I see my friends and my sister getting whisked off by some person who is sure to drag them further and further from my grasp until I’m alone completely again. Then I will once again be forgotten about. Sure, they all say the same thing, “I will never forget about you!” or the classic, “We’ll always be best friends even when we get married!” I’ve heard this far too many times to actually believe it. They don’t see it because they’re in it and don’t have the slightest clue how it feels to be single for your entire adult life so far because most of them have hardly been single AND not talking to someone for more than a year. These days in our culture, 80% of young adults have never been single for more than a year and I watch most of them change boyfriends like they change their underwear. Seeing your friends find someone special who cares enough about them to take them on dates, brings them things when they’re sick or just bring them something without asking what they want or if they need anything or even just as a nice surprise, or just randomly show up at your house and take you somewhere just because, seeing your friends experience such great things for such a long time makes you wonder after a long time what you did that made you so unloveable and makes you want to tell them to shut up when you express this struggle to them and they say things like “you know that’s not true!”, no, I don’t or I wouldn’t have said it and I wouldn’t be 27 and still single as fuck. OR the classic, “but I love you”. Not that I don’t fully appreciate you, but that's so much different, you know it is and it doesn’t help me at all. At the moment I’m completely bitter out of pure jealousy because so far not one damn person has proved me wrong that no one will ever love me like that, not even my friends do those things for me. But I sure as fuck would still give a damn limb for any of them even if they’ve burned me a thousand freaking times! Stupid on my part, but I can’t help that I keep hoping that things will change and someone will care enough to do these things for me too and I don’t always just have to be the on looker or the giver of these things, but actually be on the receiving end. Tonight I’m bitter. Tonight I want to hurt someone as much as I feel hurt. Tonight I’m angry. Tonight I feel unloved. Tonight not one thing can help me out of my own mind and I just want to scream at everyone in my path, which at the moment of course like every night, I’m alone. Tonight I again just want to die and get this stupid meaningless life over with. Maybe that would make people wish they had tried harder. Maybe it would open a few eyes. Tonight I feel extremely destructive and I just want to isolate myself until I finally die.

#depression

socialnetworkhell

“Consensual sex” is just sex. To say that implies that there is such a thing as “non consensual sex”, which there isn’t. That’s rape. That is what it needs to be called. There is only sex or rape. Do not teach people that rape is just another type of sex. They are two very separate events. You wouldn’t say “breathing swimming” and “non breathing swimming”, you say swimming and drowning.

dimxdada-deactivated20210403

Reblogging this a second time

princessctianna

This🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

Dear Best Friend, I know that right now is both the best season and the worst. I know how confusing that is. There's a reason why that you won't understand until God decides to reveal it to you. His timing is ALWAYS perfect, although it may feel awful right now. God has a plan that is way better than our own and he's continually show us His goodness through and through. You see, God is continually changing us and shaping us into exactly who He wants us to be and change sometimes can't happen without pain. Actually most of the time change is painful. Do you remember ever having growing pains when our bodies were changing from small children to preteens and teens? Or how about having to get braces when your teeth shift? Change is painful, but in the end it betters you. Value. I like to use that word. It means to consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of. I value you. Every little piece that goes into making you who you are. I value the things that have shaped you and even the awful, ugly pages of your book that you don't or can't read out loud (to which I will continually encourage you to try to read aloud to encourage growth). I cherish your kind heart. I cherish your time. I cherish every good morning and good night. I cherish your opinions and what you have to say. I cherish that we can be honest and open with one another. I cherish that because Jesus loves you deeply, you love others deeply and believe me when I say that we feel it! I will never ever take you for granted because I fully understand what it's like to have something so special ripped from your grip. I love you. Sincerely, T💋

#bestfriend

It’s true. There are days when the last thing I want to do is wake up another day, but at the same time, I’m grateful I do. I’m grateful that although this life has given me much to grieve about, I never completely throw in the towel and give in to my desire to just end it all. I’m grateful that even when all I can do is cry and cry and cry, that I’m still living and it’s a complete miracle with every breath I draw in and let out. I’m grateful that even when my heart hurts because I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, that I serve a God who is walking hand in hand with me through my heartache. I’m grateful that when life becomes too much, when my thoughts become deeper and more depressing, when my heart aches so much that it literally aches that I serve a God who reminds me that He never left my side.

In this moment I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel taken for granted. I feel unappreciated. I feel unimportant to anyone at all and although a few could attempt to tell me that I actually matter to them, in moments like this words mean nothing and action means everything. Don’t TELL me I matter, show me. Although I feel all of this, I pray to still feel that the only one who actually matters has never let my side, just as he promised!

#godoverall #depression

aorarchived

Guess what I should have done todayyyyy…

howilearnedtocope

I survived an unimaginable amount by just delaying action for 5, 10 minutes at a time

shitborderlinesdo

This is a really nice and easy method for dealing with destructive urges. I have a much longer post in the drafts currently about how to cope with self-destructive urges, but in the meantime, this is a really easy and helpful way to cope with destructive urges (or any urge that may have negative consequences for yourself or others).

-Pandora

I never really realized the importance of community until I don’t have it anymore. I miss it. Most of the time I would wonder why I was even there because I am not the best in big group settings. But maybe I just didn’t have the right one. The only time when I’ve experienced community the way it should be was when Amy and Rich lived here and I was a part of their missional community. A missional community is a group of God loving people who get together once a week to not just study the bible together, but help each other apply it to your lives. I haven’t grown in Christ as much as I did when I was in that missional community. They made me speak in group when I really didn’t want to (because sometimes the only way to get me to speak is to just make me do it, it’s good for me), we prayed deeply out loud for each other and spoke the truth out of love. It was like a big family. It’s something to experience rather hard to explain. I know I miss it. I want to grow. I’m definitely not as wise as I was when I was a part of a missional community. Being a part of that kind of forces you to grow in the best ways. I long to grow in Christ as I once did. Sometimes I feel like my relationship with God isn’t much of a relationship at all and it’s kind of because of everything that happened with the church. He ruined everything and I wish so much that he hadn’t. He ruined a great friendship, he ruined my views of the church and he ruined that Sunday’s used to be my favorite day of the week and now I dread Sunday’s, even though I don’t go there anymore.

October

October has been a month of adjusting. Adjusting to one of the biggest changes, many changes, but the biggest change of being independent. Well, I feel like I already was pretty independent, but adjusting to living on my own. Thankfully I’m not completely by myself, but it’s been more of an adjustment than I expected it to be. I swear I spent the first two weeks in a depressive state because I just wasn’t sure what to think about it even though I’ve loved this place since the very first time we walked through to see it. For the first time, I am finally able to feel my emotions to their full extent and not feel like I have to hide them or stuff them away until time is more convenient or feel like I’m not allowed to feel them, which is a good thing but also a bad thing. I’m so thankful to have a roommate and best friend who is such a caring and understanding individual.. I feel so bad for her sometimes because when I cry, she just about cries with me and I can feel how badly it hurts her to see me so upset. There have been two incidents where I just cannot stop crying and ended up sobbing uncontrollably. I’ve been lucky enough to have her by my side in those moments of such vulnerability to help comfort me when I can't seem to calm myself, my thoughts and my heart. There’s no one that can calm me quicker than her when I can’t do it myself. I’ve found the very heart of Jesus in those moments because it’s not her, it’s the love of God working through her.

My eating has gotten a lot better since moving, but unfortunately I still have all the thoughts associated with ana. I sometimes question whether I will fully recover because I still see myself going back. I always do. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I still have a lot of undealt with trauma. A few nights ago I fell asleep for just a few minutes and as soon as I closed my eyes a nightmare/flashback happened and sent me into a state of uncontrollable sobbing and I was scared all over again. All of those wounds felt so fresh again. I don’t really talk about my eating or any of the trauma things at all because I’m the kind of person who has to talk about things for it to get better but I have to be asked about it to talk about it. I won't ever mention if I feel triggered or mention it on my own and wont speak to just anyone and it takes so much trust. I kind of have just tucked it back in the attic until it all comes seeping out again, which may be sooner than I’d like it to be since flashbacks/nightmares have started again.

Home. It’s so funny that one little word can mean so much. The last time I felt this at home in my own place was when I was little and my mom and I lived with my Granny. God, I miss her so much. Waking up next to her on Saturday mornings, laying my head on her chest and falling back to sleep while listening to her heart beat as her fingers comb through my hair. There aren’t many people I can say that without a doubt, I KNOW they love me. She loved me so much and she never ever made me doubt or question her love for me. I miss her. I miss that no matter how old I was, she still continually plastered kisses on my face. I miss walking in her house and immediately hearing, “Come give your Granny some sugar!” Oh I would hug her so tight! She is the reason I NEED affection so much because she was constantly loving on me and telling me how much she loved me. She is also the reason why I constantly thank and love on those whom I love the most, because she did it to me and I never questioned how much she loved me and I never want my loved ones to question how much I love them or feel like I take the time I have with them for granted.

I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately. This month it was 9 years since his death. 9 years since I last saw him walk through the doors of Porkies, where I worked at the time, and 9 years since I ran and fell into his arms. The only time I ever felt relieved to see him after crying over the phone to him because I missed him. 9 years since the day after that when he tragically fell 16 feet to his death. Time has passed so quickly and sometimes I’m afraid that I’ll forget what his voice sounded like. I spent so much time being bitter towards him for feeling like he didn’t care, that I missed all the time I could have had with him. I had 18 years and I wasted almost all of them being angry with him for not showing up when it was partly my fault that he didn’t. Sometimes I’m not even sure he loved me, I feel like I was always the odd one out because all the other kids have so many memories with him and I hardly have any. I question whether he loved me until some one like his fiancé tells me little stories of things I didn’t know that happened behind closed doors. Like how she yelled at him about what I had thought all these years and told him that HE is the father and needed to step up and talk to ME first because HE was the parent. Not long after that she had come home from work and he had the biggest grin on his face. She asked him why he was so happy and he told her he talked to me all day. I still have all of those chats, I printed them out. I try not to speak negatively about my dad and only say great things about him, but the truth is that for a majority of my life, he let me down. He wasn’t there. I’ve always felt fatherless, but now that I’m actually really fatherless, sometimes I’m not sure how to cope because I have always and will always want a dad. so much. Sometimes I feel so bitter that my friends have dads and it literally hurts so much that I don’t have that father figure in my life and it just makes me feel so empty. Since I was a little girl, I always dreamed that my mom would marry someone who loved me like I was their own and they would adopt me and we would have that amazing father daughter relationship. Then she married Michael -_- He can be great at times, and actually last week when I went over there, he decided to randomly hand me money just because and for the first time since I was 16, it felt like he was making an effort to be fatherly towards me. I’m not really very sure how to feel about it. It wasn’t the money that made me feel that, it was his tone and posture in doing so.

This past week, I have felt the depth of the darkness inside me eat me alive. It is the most awful feeling.. EVER! I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Darkness that makes me want to hide from everything and everyone. Darkness that makes me want to give up on everything and just quit doing everything including the things I really love doing. I can’t tell you the last time it felt good to dance. Of all things, darkness has taken the one things from me that can help me at least feel a tad better because darkness says “You’re not good enough.” “You’re not as good as her” and worst of all “You’re not a good enough dancer to even dance.” I need to feel something but this darkness makes me numb and then I can’t describe how I feel when asked. Sometimes the best thing is just to have someone there riding this nasty storm out with you. Whether that means laying with me until I fall asleep, laying with me when I can’t bring myself to get out of my bed, just sitting with me, random acts of kindness, some kind of small surprise, or simply a hand to hold for a while when I can’t get my tears to stop falling so quickly. I know in my brain that I serve a God who doesn’t let me face anything without His presence and light and love, but why can’t my heart know that? If my heart knew that, I wouldn’t still be sitting here after so much blessing, still wanting to just end it all but not having the guts to do it, so I settle for a less but still harmful choice. The darker I feel inside the deeper🔪. I refuse to give up even though this looks like giving up right now. It's just going through the motions and trying to feel something.

#depression

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

A Caged Bird Set Free