The Lost Princess

She's in pain. She's nowhere to be found. Former secretkills. Hiatus. Bye

[havenlush]

…when I still tasted of heartache and war. (x)

[boils]

Sometimes, crying is the only way your eyes speak when your mouth can’t explain how broken your heart is.

D.S  (via boils)

[princesslanne-blog]

Nakakaiyak. I untentionally skipped my 12pm class, dahil sa pagiging makakalimutin ko waw. Grabe + i felt i was the most unimportant person in the group.

Dahil nakalimutan ko may class pako sa 12, naidlip ako i forgot the exact time pero i knew that was just around 12-12:10. Tsaka galing pa ko nagsimba kay medyo napagod ako. I wake up at 12:59pm with the two Honeys asking me bat hindi ako pumasok and i was like O_________________________O WTH! SA LAHAT NG PWEDENG KALIMUTAN YUNG MAJOR PA TALAGA! I was really in shocked at the same time knowing na walang text. O missed call man lang. As in walang wala. WALANG NAGHAHANAP SA AKIN. WALANG MAY PAKE. I asked the two Honeys bakit eh alam naman nila san ako nakapwesto, and they replied they didn't notice me daw at akala nila nagsimba ako and the heck with them!

NAGSIMBA?! TALAGA GUYS?! Alam niyong 8am palang ni rarakrakan ko na kayo ng text kung asan kayo hanggang sa natapos yung mass, but not even once may nag reply sa inyo! 11am bago kayo kumain nilapitan niyo pa ako para ayain so i was really sure alam niyo na andun pa ako! Pero wala, walang naghahanap kung nasaan na ako :( Sinabi niyo pa nagalit si sir kasi madaming lates and absents, eh ganun naman pala bat kahit text man lang na:

"Lab san ka na hinahanap na kayo ni sir!" Fu!

(Sorry, God)

I felt alone. I felt unimportant, and betrayed at the same time. I don't effin care wat pero the fact ni isa man lang sa kanila walang naghanap kung nasan ako - yun yung pinakamasakit.

Mangiyak ngiyak ako humarap sa prof ko kanina, kasi nag calculate sila ng grades and i'm worried na NG ako kasi absent ako. I was asking if pwede niya i checked yung na calculate ko and he replied na he cannot at that moment, yun na yun, absent ako. Sa monday nalang daw. Tsaka napagsabihan din ako na naging abusado na kami, and i was crying inside kasi i knew that was the first time na nag "absent" ako.

I went straight to the Chapel. Umiyak ng umiyak ng umiyak. I know kasalanan ko, and i was the only one to be blamed and responsible of my actions. I was crying for two reasons. First, i'm afraid of myself, yung pagiging makakalimutin ko, srsly hindi na siya normal and idk and i can't imagine myself na yung mga importanteng bagay at mga tao makakalimutan ko, pati sarili ko (and ofc it's not really a good sign if you want to pass the board). Second, again, it was just hard to believe that my friends didn't care about me. Even if Honey Rellon, who was really one of my close friends.

Kasalanan ko din. Nag expect ako that i can depend on them. So yea, same lessons again learned in a hard way, at the end of the day all you have is yourself (and God). They will forget and somehow, they will just leave.

[writingsforwinter]

[writingsforwinter]

A poem from my new book missed connection. Buy it here 

[sextfeels]

[xhericanex-deactivated20190103]

@meownimanga 😘

[princesslanne-blog]

Haaays. I just realized i really really need to buy new frame for my eyeglass after i've tried Ivy's fashion eyeglass and it really looked good on me huhu imagine it was worth only P50 huhuhu jk de totoo yung frame ko atm is sira sira na. I'm planning to buy new one for my practicum but the problem is i don't have money anymore :( Gala gala kami ni Ivy from family reunion and then i'd found out na di pala pwede yung P50 kasi not convertible to glasses yun. Naalala ko yung mga convertible sa mall eh P800+ (e.g dickies). Ang saya saya ko pa naman nung nalaman ko na may magaganda pala sa P50 </3 The service fee for replacing the frame costs around 300-500, so i need 1k+. Mama, Papa help :'( Irdk y wala akong savings ngayong taon srsly yung acc ko P9 nalang HAHAHAHAHUHUHU. Ewan ko san ko nagastos yung 1.5k na refund ni Papa taena talaga lesson learned ibalik sa bank yung kinuhang pera </3

I have no choice pero tiis tiis pa ng matagal, kasi walang wala din sila Papa now na nag training si Kuya sa Manila, bawas sa sweldo dagdag sa gastos. Malapit na din lalabas si baby kaya kailangan full support sila kung ano kailangan ni Ate. Tapos kailangan din mag save for my upcoming practicum for sure malaki magagastos nila Papa dyan, sa uniform palang :( Nung isang araw din my heart was broke into two nung binigay ni Papa sakin yung P600 from my Ninang and then gladly said, "Yes. May pang dagdag na tayo sa ojt mo anak." </333 Ang saya niya nun, tapos i was really crying inside. This year, wala talaga akong nabili for myself, like a treat man lang for all my hardworks and struggles. It was supposed to be my new eg pero de bale, okay lang. Haaaays V, saan na sinabi mo ikaw gagastos sa glasses ko TT Sana frame nalang binigay mo magagamit ko pa sana eh </3 dejk lang. Anuba guys. May kilala ba kayong naghahanap ng organs? Ibebenta ko akin jk huhuhuhu i'm so broke.

[cigeur]

“You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re ok.”

Love Rosie (2014)

[ohjamescook]

“Please think about it. Don’t waste your time on Greg. This is our opportunity. Let’s stop being afraid and take the chance. I promise I’ll make you happy.                                                                               All my love,                                                                                               Alex”

[gyllenhaalss]

“My dear Rosie, Unbeknownst to you I took this chance before, many, many years ago. You never received that letter and I’m glad because my feelings since then have changed dramatically. They have intensified with every passing day. I’ll get straight to the point because if I don’t say what I have to say now, I fear it will never be said. And I need to say it. Today I love you more than ever; I want you more than ever. I’m a man of fifty years of age coming to you, feeling like a teenager in love, asking you to give me a chance and love me back. Rosie Dunne, I love you with all my heart. I have always loved you, even when I was seven years old and I lied about falling asleep on Santa watch, when I was ten years old and didn’t invite you to my birthday party, when I was eighteen and had to move away, even on my wedding days, on your wedding day, on christenings, birthdays and when we fought. I loved you through it all. Make me the happiest man on this earth by being with me. Please reply to me. All my love, Alex.” Love, Rosie

[diedhigh]

“Because I’ve realized that no matter where you are or what you’re doing, or who you’re with, I will always honestly, truly, completely love you.” - (love, rosie)

[cigeur]

“I’ve learned that home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling.” 

Love Rosie (2014)

[princesslanne-blog]

Yesterday was the first day na lumabas ako sa bahay at makighalubilo sa mga pinsan ko after ilang years hahaha. Tho magkatabi lang bahay namin hahahahaha pero dahil busy sa buhay kaya ayun. Busy na din kasi as mommy si Ivy ( yung pinsan na close ko) kaya minsan nalang kami nag b-bonding.

So kanina habang nag c-contemplate kami ni Kuya Carlou kung gana kaboring yung christmas vacation namin kasi puro kain-tulog-movie lang habang yung isa naming kapatid (Paulou) eh andun sa jowa nya nag m-mountain view, sinigawan ako ni Ivy "Lab nag t-tong its kami dito!". And dahil wala namang magawa, kahit madaming school works (procrastination at its finest), na tempt ako lumabas. Hahaha.

Pagpasok ko agad ng bahay nila Ivy, late na nung napansin ko andun pala si Mike (1st bf). Takte tologo. Mag n-night swimming pala sila mag pinsan kaya ayun nagluluto sila ng kung ano-ano sa bahay nila Ivy. Natatawa lang ako kasi nakatambay lang ako sa bahay nila from 2pm-7pm at simula nung nasa bahay nako di na ulit pumasok si Mike hanggang labas lng sya nakatago sa bintana o di kaya dun siya sa isang pinto dadaanan HAHAHAHA. Hi ex! Btw! Nahihiya ako kasi taena talaga hindi ko alam andun si Mike eh naka daster lang ako na red, tas shorts, buti pa nga naka bra pako nun kasi mostly lalabas talaga ako ng walang bra kung saan ako comfie. Hahaha kung alam ko lang edi nag tshirt nalang ako. Wala kasi akong pake sa susuotin ko kung kami2 lang

Mas tumangkad siya. Umitim lalo hahahahaha. Wala namang ano, as in wala talaga. Kasi puppy crush (hindi love haha) lang naman yun, di pa nagtagal ng 1 month HAHAHAHA. Tho walang official closure tas may pa tukso2 pa yung iba na kung titingnan kami pa talaga kasi nga diba biglang wala na kami kahit walang nag declare both parties. Haha. Sa part ko wala ng awkward pero sa kanya meron pa ata kasi hindi makatingin eh. Tapos that was our first encounter ever since nag college ako (at nung nag "hiwalay" kami) and imagine i'm a 4th yr stud now. Ang bilis lang talaga ng panahon!

Bdw yesterday i also played tong-its again, simula nung may ginawa akong karumal dumal sa sarili ko, i stopped playing cards na para di madagdagan mga sins ko. So yun, na amazed din kasi nakayanan ko yung 2 years na i stop ang addiction sa cards. V also suggested me to stop so yun si husby na nagsalita eh, so changed of heart na hahaha. Ngayon yung kati ng kamay ko hindi na tulad ng dati hahaha tsaka mga 1 hr lang ata yung paglalaro ko. Ayun, ayoko naman maglihi ng ganun nu kaya this might be the first and last, this year, na maglalaro ako. Hahahaha.

[newmoontree-deactivated20171127]

To all those authors who think happy endings are overrated- THEY’RE NOT, THEY’RE FINE, BETTER ACTUALLY THAN HAVING AN AMAZING BUILD UP, THEN HAVING YOUR HEART SUDDENLY RIPPED OUT AND BEING LEFT FEELING EMPTY AND USED but of course that is just my opinion, call me unadventurous if you will…

[writingsforwinter]

forgetting someone you want to remember is like losing something you can’t replace

It’s August. The sun burns itself down to the wick, again.

The salt we raised from each other’s backs

is in the bedsheets again.

When someone asks me how I want to remember you,

it’s easier to say I don’t want to remember you at all.

At this time, nothing is worthwhile if it doesn’t involve

enough of a dopamine release.

You are the neurotransmitters I never had the courage

or the willpower to acknowledge

while they were still with me.

When a man tells me to kneel,

I still picture your face.

When a man tells me to open my mouth,

I still picture you grasping your way through my body.

When a man asks me what my turn-ons are,

all I can think of is the one time you didn’t hurt me.

There are so many rivers left inside me,

and they all flow the same way.

They all swallow the same current.

They all bear the memories

of the way we drowned.

[princesslanne-blog]

I slept at 3:08am. Tortured myself in sorrow and pain. Tho i don't want to go to bed but my eyes were all blurry and sore and red. And when i wake up this morning at 8:16am, the 3rd thing i did was to break down in tears. Again, (1st i prayed, 2nd checked my phone) I couldn't back to sleep after so, yea. I cry for an hour or two before i decided to face the day. After all there's still a reason for me to live.

[princesslanne-blog]

i stayed up all night crying , so i was kinda surprised that i could still burst into tears atm. Yes yes this is how i celebrate my xmas

[lifeinpoetry]

And ghosts must do again What gives them pain.

W.H. Auden, from “The Hard Question” (via weltenwellen)