hardwired to self-destruct

independent bucky barnes. mcu & 616.

[prisoner56898]

Okay, it’s been a while now since my activity has been spotty at best, and I keep coming here and saying that I’ll be coming back soon, and then I don’t, and I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter, but it makes me feel so unbelievably bad because of all the people who put effort into writing replies and starters for me and are being ignored, so I figured it was about time I at least gave a more honest explanation to my absence. So if you’re interested, and since this got kinda long, just go into the read more. But even if you don’t, that’s fine, and I wanted to let you know that I love all of my followers and threads and plots and I’m so sorry if I made you wait.

I’m going through a really hard time since the last couple of months of 2018. A lot of intense social situations happened, which is already really stressful for me, and on top of that, right before I went into vacation at the end of November, I found out that my insurance will not be covering my psychiatrist’s appointments anymore. And I mean, it’s not that they won’t cover all psychiatrist appointments, but my particular doctor won’t be covered anymore. Which means I either have to pay her from my pocket (which I can’t afford) or I have to suck it up and find a new doctor. Which I should. I know that there are people out there in worse situations who can’t afford to get treatment at all, and I’m here whining about needing to find a new doctor. But man.

Just the idea of having to sit there in a new office with a new person and explain all of my shit makes my throat tight, my hands shaky, and I feel like crying just while typing this. That’s how bad my social anxiety is, especially when it comes to opening up about my internal issues. So I’ve been avoiding the problem, and in the process of that, I just stopped taking my meds. I just stopped. Again, I’m aware I shouldn’t, but I haven’t taken them for over a month and now it feels pointless to start taking whatever I still have left because I know I’ll have to go find a new doctor soon enough anyway. I tried to tell myself that it was fine and I wasn’t going to feel the difference so much, but it isn’t fine and I do feel the difference. I work home office, so most days I’ve been doing the bare minimum not to get fired and then going straight back to bed. I actually think I haven’t left the house or talked to anyone in person for over a week.

So yeah, I’m kinda crashing. On top of classes being about to start for me, and my campus is an hour away from my home, and all of this other shit I can’t even begin to talk about, I don’t know really when I’m going back to posting here, and that makes me so sad because writing usually makes me feel great, but right now I don’t have the mental energy to do it. So I guess this can be considered a hiatus warning? Maybe? I don’t know. I could be feeling better and coming back tomorrow, or in a month, or who the hell knows at this point. But I know I’ll be coming back here as soon as I get my shit together because I love Bucky and still have so much muse for him. The muse is here, it’s the mun that’s really not. So again, I’m really sorry I keep bombarding you with these shitty depressing explanations instead of actually being here to rp, guys. It really makes me feel terrible.

As always if you want to you can catch me at disco (acquainted with my own disaster#3870), sometimes it takes me a minute to reply to messages there as well but I’m still more present than I am here.

[aroseforno-one-deactivated20221]

sorry i forgot to reply i dont feel fucking alive

[prisoner56898]

update: i’m still mobile, yay! and since i’m not managing to reply to anything here, i’ll leave my discord in case you want to come plot or write there. just let me know who you are and we’re good.

acquainted with my own disaster#3870

[prisoner56898]

update: i’m still mobile, yay! and since i’m not managing to reply to anything here, i’ll leave my discord in case you want to come plot or write there. just let me know who you are and we’re good.

acquainted with my own disaster#3870

[marveladdicts]

Captain America and Bucky #624

[aseaofquotes]

Veronica Roth, Allegiant

[prisoner56898]

Having a bit of a computer issue, hence my not being around. Hopefully it'll be fixed this week and then I'll be business as usual. Also will probably do a bit of a url change. You know. New year new url. Or something.

[warcable-deactivated20190310]

      maybe the kind that leaves you MORE MACHINE THAN MAN .

[mcufam]

[rpmusings-galore]

                                           something inside you is broken

                                                maybe it always was

                                                        and some nights you

                                   desperately try to put yourself back together

                                     but the pieces never quite fit, do they?

                          ( maybe some people are just made to be shattered )

[lifeinpoetry]

“I did not believe in ghosts until I saw my own body.”

— Topaz Winters, from “battlefield,” poems for the sound of the sky before thunder

[prisoner56898]

iironbled·:

When all was said and done no matter what had happened or taken place between them, Steve Rogers had still been a friend to Tony. They had still been a team despite their differences. Was there anything Tony would take back? Of course there was, most of all what had taken place in Siberia. Now that he’d had time to think he’d realised Steve was just trying to protect a friend and while that still didn’t settle well with him he understood. It wasn’t something he could forgive, he should have known the truth about his parents but he regretted the way he reacted, if that meant anything now. 

He hadn’t expected to see Bucky but then again he had every right to be there, Steve had been his best friend after all. But even he’d decided to keep his distance, it felt wrong to be there at the front when he’d ended on such bad terms with him. But he still wanted to be able to say his goodbyes.

But when his eyes did lock onto Bucky, he looked at him for a moment or two debating whether or not to go over to him. Would it be unfair of him? He had nothing bad to say. If anything he would have rather made up the best he could for Steve’s sake. Slowly he turned away and started to walk over towards him, very few people were paying attention. “Hey. You should be over there.”

          No, no. Don't come here. Please please please leave me alone.

          The silent plea runs in a loop inside his head, starting the second Stark's eyes lock onto his. It's for naught, of course, as the man seems to find in Bucky's face something that gives him the green light to approach. Or, rather, he doesn't give a single ounce of a shit about Bucky's comfort. He's almost positive the latter is true.

          Steel blue eyes regard the man warily as he walks over. He tries to prepare for a possible fight, counts all the different ways he could kill him while having only one arm. Ten. At least ten different ways. Stark's posture doesn't give away that he wants to cause an altercation, but you can never know with these people. Iron Man can probably keep a poker face like the best of spies, and Bucky won't make the mistake of taking the threat of him for granted. Not again ––– not when he can still feel the phantom pain of his missing limb like an open wound that refuses to stop bleeding.

          Expecting him to say Bucky shouldn't be here, he is thrown for a loop with what Stark actually says. His lips press together in a thin line as he mulls over a reply. "Pretty sure I'm still a wanted man in this country, so that sounds like a bad idea. Besides, he's already dead anyway. What difference does it make?" He asks, evenly, cruelly.

[brolinjosh]

[prisoner56898]

kidfrombrccklyn·:

STEVE SEES THE SOFTENED EXPRESSION ON BUCKY’S FACE. he observes the smile like one would observe a sunrise, feeling completely like he’s looking into the bright face of the sun. steve doesn’t know what he did to get that look, but whatever it was must’ve been good. he can’t help but smile a little back ; bucky’s smile has always been contagious. 

         steve’s smile fades when bucky starts to talk. he can’t hide the fact that he doesn’t feel like that’s the case, not when he just admitted to such. he waits patiently as the brunet gathers his words and gives a little nod of encouragement as bucky breaks off. he isn’t looking at steve anymore, but that’s okay, because bucky’s still holding his wrist. steve can feel the gentle touch to his pulse point, and he’s sure his heart is hammering in his chest. it’s the only natural reaction to a touch from bucky. still, steve doesn’t shy from showing it, instead allowing the contact. steve’s brows furrow as bucky speaks again, and then smooth at his last words.  ❝ buck, ❞ the blond says, touched, ❝ i always want to be someone you can come back to. ❞ he gives a soft sigh and his shoulders relax a little. ❝ i’m glad i can help, anyway i can. i just wish i could do more. ❞

          "Yeah, I know. And I know it's not fair of me to expect you to be okay with just sitting around and being my––––whatever." It's damn near impossible to word what Steve is to him, and he finds himself stuttering, backtracking. Face feeling hot. He could've said my emotional crutch, perhaps, but their dynamic can't by any means be explained in such a simple way.

          Memory loss has its perks for someone who's walked a severely traumatizing path like his own. Most days, Bucky is glad he only possesses muddy recollections of his stint as HYDRA's lapdog. On the other hand, he regrets not knowing the extent of his involvement with Steve. As his hand moves from the man's wrist to his shoulder, resting right where it connects to Steve's neck, Bucky hates not knowing if he's done this before. Not being sure what their relationship is supposed to be like, and if he's doing a decent job in filling the old Bucky's shoes. "But you know, if you can't keep going like this, whatever you need to do––I'll have your back."

[prisoner56898]

💕💕

@dramatikos gets a new year’s kiss.

          Holding back his laughter is no easy task, but he still makes an effort to keep a straight face the entire night, to remain serious-looking while Jenna has that pinched expression on her features, glaring daggers at Bucky every time he swiftly avoids her. It's almost midnight, and he is sure she believes he's about to leave her hanging as the ball drops.

          To give her credit, that does sound like something Bucky would do, way back when.

          He's in a different place now. Comfortable enough in his relationship to kiss her in public -- comfortable enough to prank her the entire night, knowing she'll huff and puff and then forgive him. With only seconds left in the year, after Jenna has already given up trying to snatch his attention, the former assassin approaches her. Holds her face between his hands, and kisses right over her pissed off frown. Kisses her mouth, and her cheeks, and her forehead; softly, lovingly. "Idiot. Did you really think I was going to do it?"

[prisoner56898]

💕

@getinthefunvee gets a new year’s kiss.

          He doesn’t mind being alone, even when everyone around him seems to be half of a couple, even while kisses and promises are exchanged as fireworks burst in the sky. Contentment fills him; it’s enough to belong to himself, for now. But he’s not the only one alone in their group, and unlike himself, Tony doesn’t seem to take so well to the solitude. Pepper’s absence is the elephant in the room no one wants to mention, and even Bucky, with his meager social skills, can tell how unhappy the man is.

          Tony excuses himself to the balcony, and a few minutes later, Bucky follows him. They’re not the best of friends, far from it; but Stark has helped him countless times, and Bucky has had enough Asgardian meade to feel braver. The soldier rests his forearms against the railing, nudging Tony with his shoulder ––– leans over when the younger man looks at him, stealing a kiss that is barely more than a light brush of lips. “Happy new year, Stark. Now you can’t say I never gave you anything.”

[roleplaymemesforyou]

Send 💕 for my muse to give yours a New Year Kiss!