cherry valley forever
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Andulka
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
JVL
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
todays bird
will byers stan first human second
Game of Thrones Daily
if i look back, i am lost
almost home
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
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YOU ARE THE REASON
Discoholic 🪩
★
untitled
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@prisonrules
back again
it's been a couple years. updates include: not even trying to care; caring too much; on the "no children" bandwagon; just got on Tinder again; I found a good tinted moisturizer for my complexion; just reread this journal and fucking hell I've chilled out a lot since then. Not sure if that's a good thing.
Aaand I'm back
I've had four incredibly negative experiences with men in the last two weeks and I realize if I don't cement rules down on how I am supposed to expect to be treated, I'm going to remain vulnerable. It's incredibly hard to realize that you can't just go out, talk to men, and make a mutually respectful agreement to go out, get to know eachother. It's not about meeting new friends, it's dating. It's a fucked up game or a dance contest. These are things I never learned before and whoa, I'm learning them now.
well damn if I didn't get a little singed!
Feels
My most recent exbf "liked" me on okcupid this afternoon. Coincidentally, I also broke my strict diet today, that I had been doing great at for six weeks. I forgot both how delicious everything is and how much I hate men. Lol
And at 31
It’s March so I guess you could say I’m a little late in my 2014 update but holy hell what a year. The effects of it have reverberated well into 2015. I pined for someone, got over them, pined for another, experienced major loss, dated, loved, lost again, and went kind of off the rails for awhile. I spend all of September in a horrendous haze of depression. I had a few more dating adventures in the latter quarter of the year but the first nine months of the year were really devoted to the horrible but enigmatic half-baked boy man Aquarius. Air signs, man. I get older and they stay the same secretive emotional age. But damn if I don’t find them hot as hell. I keep saying I really need to stick to earth signs but then I meet another super sexy and weird Aquarius.
I’ve had quite a few dates this year but I’m torn between fixating/wanting what I can’t have - people I’ve met who live not in Seattle - and what I can have, which is a growing acceptance of being cool with my #1 fan, me.
To that effect I’ve been doing a lot of going out by myself in an effort to learn more about myself. Truthfully, I’m more comfortable - and I have a lot more fun - hanging with girlfriends and going out in a group but making myself venture out to go dancing on a Saturday or Sunday has been incredibly important to the goal of being comfortable being alone. This is something Ive felt I needed to master before I seriously date anyone else. My entire life I’ve always had someone around whether it be family, a best friend, or a boyfriend and this is the first time in my life I’m alone and fairly content with life. Granted, being in the middle of my parents divorce - still - is a pretty constant heartache (not to mention headache) and there are some days (like today) where the sad brain fog is so all-consuming that I’d like morning more than to cry until I feel better. Unfortunately, I seemed to have dulled myself to that coping mechanism so I have to stick to art and workouts.
I’ve been super appreciative of all the people I know from music events who have made me feel comfortable and safe in going out and just kind of stretching my wings. I avoided the clubs for a long time because it always felt like exbf had a stronger claim on venues and friends. Thank goodness I got over that because I can’t imagine feeling as safe as I do when I go out now.
Over the past few months I’ve also worked hard at trying to express myself in online forums. Facebook has been a main place of expression. I’ve always handled pain through humor and sharing thoughts and feelings in a potentially witty way has been very therapeutic. Life is still really hard some days, namely due to being so responsible for my mom, but if I can find something good or funny about my day, I feel I’ve succeeded. Lately, there have been quite a few people who have told me in person or online that they love having me in their feed. It’s been really helpful having that kind of positive support, especially when I feel I am trying my hardest to be positive, every day.
I do hope I find my person but not yet. Although, clock is a-ticking. I think a lot about being a mother and while I feel ready for that next stage, I do not feel ready, yet, to share my life with someone in a healthy and balanced way. If my future daughter (cross fingers emoji) tells me she has met her soul mate at 21, I hope I’ll be able to show her this blog. You lose so much from not experiencing the highs and lows of dating in your 20s. Having never had a significant break up before 30, I was not emotionally healthy at all to deal with the fallout. Plus, tying your life to someone from such a young age, you risk losing a lot of your own personality. I know that I held back quite a bit to fit in with exbf’s parents who were critical of me seeking a higher degree over working; also I trusted exbf’s opinion on my creative expressions and when he would tell me something wasn’t good or funny or whatever, I would abandon the project.
So it's March. I'm getting where I need to be and I've stopped feeling embarrassed at all the things that used to give me paralyzingly anxiety - sharing an opinion, sharing art or a joke on Facebook, and talking to people when I'm kind of drunk. I've been testing the waters with different forms of expression and getting better at defining my personality. I'm getting in touch with who I was at intellectually at 18, before my emotional growth was stunted by codependent friendships and relationships. The most important take away I've had through all of this is that one can never blame someone else for their pain or misery. Ive watched both of my parents taking the victim route my whole life and has always driven me nuts. Unfortunately I reacted to that by just not causing a fuss when I was taken advantage of. It's true that I wasn't treated fairly by past loved ones and my generous nature was exploited but I know now that I have to avoid getting close to people who don't share my same values. I could complain up and down that one ex owes me tens of thousands of dollars or another, a couple hundred but it doesn't matter. Sure, practically it does bc now that I'm a full time PhD student I could use some of that payback. But, I'll never see a dime so I just can't let myself get in that place again. I don't know at what point I'll feel "ready" to give it my all but I'm honestly scared to death of meeting someone and falling for them and realizing that once again I've picked the wrong sort of guy. I'm equally worried that I will never feel the same level of connection and attraction with someone as I did most recent ex; months later and I haven't felt that electric jolt with any other man. Consequently, I still think about him way too often. I know the only way out is to meet someone new but that fear makes me get these crushes on random people I've never met with whom I have intense conversations online and on the phone. It's kind of a ridiculous water wings approach that reminds me of Lars and the Real Girl. I haven't been a nun but I also haven't been that attracted to anyone who lives in my city. I wonder how long I can handle the lack of physical connection before I order my own Real Boy.
This ones better.
To save its lone customers from the awkward perils of solo dining, The Moomin House Cafe kindly seats diners with stuffed animal companions called Moomins, a family of white hippo-like characters created by Finnish illustrator and writer Tove Jansson.
Good news if I'm alone forever lol
I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
Pablo Neruda (via thatlitsite)
No I’m ignoring you bc you sent me an unsolicited picture of your penis.
Finally someone gets my okcupid profile right.
Need to start starting over again but first, I need a three week nap.
I’m a diva, best believe when you see her, she gettin’ paid.
Single again
So, I tried to be friends with the ex but he didn't try to make sure our little pug stayed alive. I broke off the friendship and repossessed the dog. (He's slowly gaining back weight, thank goodness). Still no word on my laptop and the back cell phone and rent owed but showing up at a mutual friend's event with my taller, more successful boyfriend and wearing a tight cocktail dress certainly helped cleanse the palate of painful memories including and especially all the emotional affairs he had with women who wear toe shoes and no face makeup. Im worried about him but I have to stop caring about someone who has little empathy and such low living standards. For example, right now my house smells like delicious ocean and grapefruit. His smells like molded feces blankets, incense, and shame.
The most irritating thing about summer is that the sidewalks are always taken up in the evenings by couples walking side by side suuuuper slooooowly and it takes forever to find an opening to pass them and damnitt, I just want to get my coffee and speed home without seeing too much romance so I can get back to reading my romance books about witches and vampires and shit.
Pretty sure I have emotional dyslexic disorder, which I just made up bc boys make me cray.
