Nice try

Hello, some people call me Age, but not many. I'm a sophomore in college majoring in mathematics. I like numbers and playing games with my friends (and by myself, sometimes).

[privatefortunes]

so sick

of always being put second

i’m done with people

i give up

i refuse to listen to anyone when they won’t listen to me

[freckleshadowhunter]

It’s the emptiest and yet the fullest of all human messages: ‘Good-bye.

Kurt Vonnegut (via freckleshadowhunter)

[privatefortunes]

sometimes my hands become so full of blood they make this “smeck smeck smeck” sort of sound... the sound of something moist rubbing against something else moist

i like it

[privatefortunes]

“You always stop at the same part, when it’s very beautiful” pt. 3

I remember almost four years ago hearing this quote and forcing myself not to cry. It comes from the 2006 film The Fall and it’s spoken by one of the main characters, Alexandria. In it, the other main character, Roy, is telling her an epic story but becomes frustrated and it becomes dark. And she says, crying, “You always stop at the same part, when it’s very beautiful.” 

It has always stuck with me, all these years. I thought that, perhaps I could incorporate this into my daily life. I am so self destructive; so willing to run towards what harms me before I bother to even glance in the direction of safety. I thought, maybe, if I could begin to write about the times in my life when I stopped when it was beautiful, I could begin to push forward in other events towards it. I want to see the beauty for once.

I don’t want to continue to stop at the same spot. I want to keep going, but it’s so hard for me when thoughts begin to fly wildly through my mind. Sometimes I can’t make sense and only one clear idea forms - to cut. I don’t want to rely on it anymore.I am sick of taking one step forward, and then taking two back. For once I just want to keep walking forward, even if on a thin line.

For once I want to hold his hand without unwrapping my fingers out of the fear that he’ll let go first; want to kiss his lips without worrying if I am doing something wrong; want to fall asleep without always feeling like a burden to him. 

I finally want to stop pushing people away and be vulnerable. Because being vulnerable doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll be weak. 

[privatefortunes]

"You always stop at the same part, when it’s very beautiful" pt.2

I have so much to write, yet hardly any words to say them. And even if I were to write them, who would listen? Do I even want to listen to myself? Would I ever show anyone these words?

Often I'm left to swallow words I want to say, or spin them into different things. And I lie. I lie, I lie, I lie. To myself, to you, to everyone. I can't help it. I don't want to be vulnerable; I don't want to be something fragile; don't want to be glass panes. 

But I am weak. I am easily bent by the flowing wind. I am weak. Far too quickly broken after falling to the ground. Weak. The smallest wave sends me flying into the middle of the ocean to become lost. Weak. My knees buckle from the smallest weight. Weak. I fall apart much too quickly. Weak. I have made myself vulnerable. Made myself weak. 

All these measures to prevent this, for what? It's what caused me to be weak.

But it has also made me disgusting.

This has been sitting in my drafts for over 3 years. 

[privatefortunes]

i’m an asshole

such a huge asshole

[privatefortunes]

i’m so frustrated and i’m getting itchy with an urge to slice open my skin. but i won’t. this past month i have kept for digging into my skin and slice myself open. it’s so hard with everything exploding around me.

i am so tired of people telling me their problems, so tired of people just talking to me, so tired of everything.

this whole trip is starting arguments for nothing when it is my decision and no one else’s alone. it’s mine, why argue about what i should or shouldn’t do if i decide it. why stress me out, why make me want to cry and harm myself, why...

[privatefortunes]

I’m sorry I’m so difficult to love.

[privatefortunes]

More often than not, when I want to harm myself I become very mentally disorganized and physically clumsy and... just not myself? I just forget things within seconds, and I repeat myself a lot (as the last post suggest, I get “stuck.") And that, I mean I tend to repeat a lot of phrases and words over and over when I am feeling... that bad. Rather, having that episode, is the right phrase. And right now I am sort of in a phase right before I start to freak out - right before I begin to completely breakdown and self-destruct. 

I am observing. I know that I’ll become... obsessed, I suppose with a practical phrase or word, like always - “I’m bad/evil/a monster” and so much more, but it doesn’t matter - I know it will happen. And then I will cut so deep it takes months for my scabs to even stop becoming irritated; cut so deep it takes weeks for them to stop bleeding if I’m not lying still. 

There is an urge, a strong need to just slice every single part of me up. I want to keep cutting until I can’t even move; can’t stay awake; can’t breath. I want to die but I want to cut so badly - I want it to be the most painful thing in the world. And I am so tired. I wish everything could just stop.

It is difficult for me to express myself when I am in-between manic and depressive - difficult for me to find words when this is a phase I tend to only go through in a matter of seconds. All I can say is I am glad that I can think this clearly before I begin to shut down and become the person that is generally seen on this blog.

[privatefortunes]

sometimes i get so sad and i just get stuck stuck stuck 

and i can’t stop 

i can’t stop it

i keep repeating and repeating and i keep

getting so stuck stuck stuck

and then i cut

and my mind just keeps getting stuck

stuck on cutting

stuck on hurting

stuck on crying

i get so stuck stuck stuck

and i can’t stop anymore

i can’t i can’ i can’t

because i’m stuck stuck stuck

[privatefortunes]

gone

the constant struggle between wanting to slice myself open and to ignore these feelings are so odd. on the one hand, i want to bleed until i pass out; to slice from head to toe. yet on the other, i want to finally be free of these urges and to be able to throw away these blades without opening a new one after a few weeks. 

i wish i cared for myself half as much as i cared for my blades. i keep them nice and clean, wrapped in paper and hidden in a box. i make sure they are safe, even after i’ve used them and left myself barely able to move. 

there isn’t a time i remember not cutting. was i ever free of this need to tear into my flesh? what am i trying to cut out? because i’m not letting out any bad anymore, i’m just letting out any good that is left in me, just letting out everything.

[privatefortunes]

i need it so badly

i am going to slice into my skin and make sure a river flows from my body, just like the river of thoughts that continually run through my mind

i want red, red ,red

and i need to see this blood

need to get it out of me

get all the bad out 

i’ll cut out all the bad in me

[privatefortunes]

thismaybetheyear

i disappear

i’m tired again. i’m always tired. i can sleep for as long as i want, and i’ll still be tired. i can’t figure out what is draining me lately, what is so different these last few weeks from the weeks before then. i’m so exhausted i can’t even think straight. all i keep thinking is, “i’m so tired, i should sleep.” but when i lie down, i can’t. often i have to force my eyes closed - i forget they’re open. is this day dreaming or wake-dreaming? i can’t tell anymore. i am just so exhausted and drained and in pain.

[korruptkids-deactivated20190726]

[killurparents]

You can’t keep dancing with the devil and ask why you’re still in hell

Something my friend told me the other day  (via thatkindofwoman)

[hawwiboy]

[privatefortunes]

i am suddenly feeling bad again

and not the "sick to my stomach" kind of bad

not necessarily even a "bad" kind of bad

just a lingering kind of melancholy 

a sort of misery

in which i sit in silence for hours on end

convincing myself not to cry this night

and the next

and the 

next

the smallest of things have set me off

a tiny cut while cleaning dishes

on the finger

makes me crave

the cool touch of a knife's blade

along my throat 

along my

wrists

ma

jor

a

ter

ies