the Vortex
It was only last month that I got comfortable calling this woman abusive, and even then, I'm not comfortable saying it anywhere I think it might get back to her. I don't want to deal with the potential consequences of that, but I'm trying to make sure that (i.e. not wanting to deal with the consequences) is the only reason, because it's important for me to have my reasons not be about her and her feelings, because I realised that "I might hurt her feelings" is not a good reason to say somebody isn't abusive.
She was such a shit to me and I put up with it for three years. Three goddamn years wasted on this woman who didn't actually respect me, but who believed that she did respect me, and would get upset if I suggested otherwise. Her actions spoke louder than her professed emotions, though; it doesn't matter if she thinks she respected me any more than it matters if someone who's racist thinks they're not racist. And I'm comfortable making that comparison, because while she's not racist, she is openly and unapologetically prejudiced against nationalities. She doesn't think that's a problem.
She's also just hateful. I don't think her contempt for different nationalities (always European ones, of course; she wouldn't want to be racist, after all ◔_◔) amounts to hatred most of the time, but she is hateful in a more generalised way. She has so much hate inside her, and so much anger, and her (admittedly very profound and extensive) trauma doesn't make it okay that she accepts that anger and hatred as a personality trait rather than a problem that needs to be addressed.
Or maybe she's changed since she moved out. I don't know. Apparently she's started using CBT techniques and actually tries to manage her problematic emotions/behaviours now; it would've been great if she'd done that while were together, but I spent those three years (I'm rounding up, because the three months between dumping her and her moving out still involved me being a psychological carer for her) persuading her to try, and then our proximity ended before I could reap the benefits of all that work.
I did so much work for her. I worked my ass off. Worrying about Vortex is a full-time job, and I was pulling double shifts. I was staying up until dawn just so I'd have a few hours' break while she was asleep. That is a deep cut coping mechanism; the last time I did that, I was in a cult. It speaks volumes that I used the same coping mechanism for having no privacy due to being in a cult and being with Vortex.
Because she really didn't give me privacy, although she admitted that she knew I deserved some; she just didn't want me to have any. There were a lot of things like that—she knew it was wrong to want me to do or not do something, so she wouldn't, but she would be "unable to hide" her feelings about it, so I felt guilty if I didn't do what she wanted. After all, she wasn't asking me to, let alone demanding it, so it wasn't controlling or manipulative, right? She just ~wasn't able to hide~ her distress about me behaving in the way that went against her preference.
I cut myself down to fit into the role she wanted. (This is figurative; I did little to no literal self-injury when we were together.) I set the offcuts on fire to keep her warm, and it hurt. I hurt myself for her.
