prixprespacingout

random thoughts

[sentimental-scribbles]

Chasing Pavements

9 months. Alam kong alam mo na mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. Hindi ko gustong ako ang unang bumitaw sa kung ano mayroon tayo. Iniisip ko palang na mawala ka, naiiyak na ko. Bakit? Siguro dahil mahal kita? Siguro dahil gusto kong pang hawakan ang kung ano meron tayo noon? Siguro dahil ayaw kong itapon ng ganun na lang ang 9 months.

9 months. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko magawang mapagod. Kung bakit kahit na nagawa mo na akong lokohin at lahat, mahal parin kita at magagawa ko paring patawarin ka kung hihingi ka ng tawad. Pero, hindi. Hindi mo yata alam ang salitang yun. Pero andito parin ako, minamahal ka.

Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, I deserve better. Totoo yan, I deserve better. Pero pag nagmahal kasi ako – tunay at totoo. Kaya kahit ginagago mo na ko, mahal parin kita.

Naniniwala ako na pag nagmahal ka ng tao ay di ka dapat basta-basta na lang susuko, pero siguro kung palaging ganito, and pagmamahal ko ay kusa na rin lang din na maglalaho. Gusto kong maniwala sa mga binitiwan mong mga salita at pangako, pero hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ko makakaya na ganito tayo.

Nag aantay akong mag send ka ng message. Nag aantay ako ng tawag mo. Nag aantay ako na kamustahin mo ko. Nag aantay ako sayo. Palagi. Pero bakit kailangang araw o linggo ang lumipas bago mo ko i-contact. May halaga pa ba ko sayo?

Ang dami kong tanong. Ang dami kong gustong malaman. Pero natatakot ako. Natatakot akong malaman ang mga sagot dahil alam kong masasaktan lamang ako. Siguro maigi na ang ganito, pero kung tunay ang pagmamahal, hindi ba dapat ay honest ka…

Sa ngayon hahayaan na muna kita, hiniling ko sayo na i-block mo ko para mas Madali sakin and mag move-on at makalimot ng hindi ako paulit-ulit na nasasaktan. Yun nalang sana, kahit yun nalang sana ang pwede mong magawa sakin. Pero hanggang sa huli, selfish ka. Ako parin and magpapaubaya.

Ako na, ako na ang kusang mananahimik. Mag a-uninstall muna ako ng mga social media accounts ko. Eto siguro ang kailangan ko. Katahimikan, kapayapaan habang hindi pa ako tuluyang nauubos.

[lettersofshioritosaori]

I lost my appetite for grand ways of falling in love.

I do not dream of madly losing my breath when I am beside someone's presence. l do not desire hearts racing, hands shaking, and wishful thinkings.

I do not dream of a love that builds my hopes up, gives me dandelion promises, and runs away with me. I do not long for a stolen moment, a sweet convenience, or a sudden attachment.

I do not dream of a new year's kiss, of a thousand poems, and the extremes.

I dream of a love that's gentle. The one that will always feel like a pat on the back, a soft embrace, and a calm surrender.

I dream of a love that's quietly certain. The one that will shout its assurance even without words. The one that will echo its warmth even in silence. The one that will feel like falling asleep under the naked galaxies without the fear of not being found.

I dream of a love that stays. The one that will always feel like a reminder that I'm worthy of being held, of being called "the one", and of being a safe haven.

Sometimes, I grew tired of romance. But as I lie awake, I'd like to believe that when the stars finally align, I will get it, too.

— 🌹🐼 Sav

Artwork: Damian Gorny

[lettersofshioritosaori]

Kung tatanungin mo ako kung nagsisisi ba ako kung minahal kita, walang alinlangan kong sasabihin sa iyong hindi. Pero sa kabilang banda, hindi ko matatangging ako rin ang naging mali.

Hinayaan kong sirain mo ako habang binubuo kita, naniwala kasi ako na sa pananatili ay makakaya pa nating maisalba, natakot akong mag-isa.

Naging duwag akong tanggapin na wala nang pag-asa, na tulad ng mga nauna— sa pagsuko rin tayo mapupunta.

At dito nga rin talaga.

Ganoon pa man, hindi pa rin kita masisisi kung bakit wala ka nang nararamdaman at kung bakit sa ganito tayo nauwi. Pero masisisi ko ang sarili kong pilit na paulit-ulit na nananatili kahit ikaw— matagal nang hindi.

-Sav 🐼🌷

Photo ctto

[lettersofshioritosaori]

Sometimes, I wonder if you ever think about me like I often do. I wonder if you also miss those times that we spent together and all the happy moments that we've shared. I wonder if you still think about the dreams that we used to talk about. And I wonder if there is still a part of you that tells you not to stop loving me and not to give up on us. Because honestly, a part of me is still holding onto our love, wishing that it will never end just like this. It's easy to lie and say that I no longer love you. I can always say that to you and to anyone who will ask me about you. I can tell you right in front of your face that I hate you for everything that you did to hurt me, but I cannot lie to myself. Even though I'm terribly hurting, I know that deep in my heart, I will always be in love with you. You will always be the person that my heart will choose, no matter how wounded it is.

It's such a sad thing to feel so in love with someone who brings me so much pain. It is so tiring to tell you that I no longer want you in my life but still end up grieving for your absence. You have no idea how much I endure my heart tearing apart every time I say goodbye to you, knowing that you might actually be gone from my life forever. The truth is, I am afraid that you would hurt me again if I let you into my life again, but I am more afraid to live a life without you. I heartlessly say I hate you, but my heart says, stay and love me properly.

— Sav 😔🐼🌷

Photo ctto

[lettersofshioritosaori]

I thought I was fine. I really thought I'd be okay without you. I went on with my life like you've never been part of it; I was doing all fine being alone— until I saw you being happy with someone else. My heart started aching again. I remember how we broke up and turned into strangers.

You broke up with me, and I've heard that you've found someone better than me, so I left instantly. I didn't bother to fight for you, and I didn't even bother to convince you to choose me over her. I pretended that it was okay, as long as you're happy. But seeing you with her now is more painful than the day that I figured out you were loving someone else. I realized that I was never okay all along; I was just making myself believe that your absence would never hurt me.

And now that I saw you meters away from me, close enough to touch your face again but unable to even reach your hands— my heart is slowly breaking inside, and I can't even tell you how much I missed you.

— Sav 🐼🌷

Art: wifi313

[prixpre]

The Thrill of the Chase

Last night someone asked me, “Yan ba ang mahal?”

I was struck by the question. I am so bothered that it kept me awake the whole night. What is love, really?

Way back in elementary and high school days we have slam books and that question was there too. I used to write down, “Love is blind. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is a feeling., etc” The cliché answers we often read about. 

A friend told me, love is the feeling when the kilig is gone. It makes sense, yeah? But I feel like that love has to be deep-rooted and not fleeting. 

Maybe I’ve read too much romance novels, where guys sweep the ladies off their feet. During the courting period guys show off, and ofc you can’t help but feel the kilig. Not generalizing, but kinda, once a certain level of understanding is reached, the magic is gone. No more thrill. So when there’s no connection, whatever you had, just won’t work. 

So the cycle repeats, someone comes along, makes your heart flutter. When you get to know them more, they stop being interesting, you’re bored. You drift apart. Repeat. It’s just so hard to find that one person - well, not all of us are lucky.

Makes me wish there’s a boyfriend/girlfriend rental. The kind where you can get it when you want it and return it when you’re sick of it. Okay, the problem’s with me. So much for finding the right one. 

Anyway, back to the question. I ended up not being able to answer - simply because I don’t know. Just to be clear, we are talking about romantic love here.

[prixpre]

How this photo resonates so much to me. :)

The book is a good read too.

[prixpre]

Word I often say nowadays 😩

[sentimental-scribbles]

Love will always be equated with pain.

I don't know why it hurts so bad when I thought I had moved on.

I guess you'll always be that person who'll cause me pain and bring me to tears no matter what.

I've come so far

Only to be to where I started

Just because I looked back

06.07.19

[prixpre]

It's easy to always assume the worst in others.

And to judge others.

[prixpre]

Midlife Crises: Thoughts Buzzing

I sometimes feel like a driftwood - floating amidst the vast majority of busybodies.

I look around and observe too much despite passing the same route every morning and afternoon on the way to school and going back to where I live.

I often go for solo walks as I stare out at the skies - blues, purples with tinge of pinks and hints of orange, thinking. Yes, a lot of thinking and day dreaming.

I guess I think too much that at night it keeps me awake.

I can't talk too fast. Sometimes my words whorl about that I get lost at my own thoughts.

When I speak up and feel like choking on my own words. Cat bit your tongue? Nah.

I have so much argument in mind but end up nodding and agreeing to the majority. Blame it on adulting?

When I have no choice but to address the crowd and feel strangely claustrophobic as they all turn their attention towards me that it feels like all their gazes are caving in towards my line of vision.

The urge of blurting out "What the fuck? and What the hell?"

People assume I'm friendly. But I don't think so. I don't have a 'best' friend. I have great friends!

I find damsels-in-distress extremely annoying. If you aim and fight for equality, there should be no excuses.

I am annoyed of my own kindess - like suck it up! You don't have to sympathise and help out at all times. But - nope, no buts. Stop being goody-two-shoes.

I hate being so overly involved. I am learning how to focus on what's on my plate alone but I just can't help minding other people's business. Girl, fuck off!

I know it's okay to stumble and make mistakes yet I try so hard not to commit major ones. I don't think I can handle myself knowing I let myself and others down - a big screw up.

[prixpre]

Midlife crisis.

[remanence-of-love]

[amortizing]

!!!!!!!!!!!!??!!!!

[unefemmeviolette]

i’ve packed you somewhere deep in my heart, infatuation is the veil that blinds sensibility.  and as much as i would like to carry you everywhere with me, i know that this is not real. it is only as real as you are present in my life. i need to accept that this is nothing, because nothing is happening between you and i. i always thought that somewhere down the line that we’d find a way to each other. but now i’m beginning to understand, that the fantasy i’ve played over in my mind, will never come true. i am a choice, that you repeatedly fail to select. so every day, in my meditations, i work hard to let you go. to fight through mornings of lying awake and feeling the pangs of loneliness strike. i work hard to let you go, because i need to prioritize myself.

i need to be grounded. life resumes whether you’re in it or not.

i’ve always been one to adapt, to new places and people. my father calls me a survivor, i’ve survived through the worst and more.

[kinoaida]

monotony

One monotonous day follows another equally monotonous. The same things will happen again, and then will happen again, the same moments will come and go.

A month passes by and brings another month. Easy to guess what lies ahead: all of yesterday’s boredom. And tomorrow ends up no longer like tomorrow.

단조 (單調)

단조로운 하루가 단조로운 하루를 좇는다. 무엇 하나 다를 것 없는 날. 다를 것 없는 것이 온다. 또 온다. 다를 것 없는 순간이 우리를 붙잡았다가, 놓아준다.

한 달에 한 달이 이어진다. 무엇이 올지, 예측은 거의 끝났다. 어제와 같은 지루한 것만 와서 내일이 ‘내일이’ 아니게 된다.

- Constantine P. Cavafy, Collected Poems. Translated by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard. Edited by George Savidis. Revised Edition. Princeton University Press, 1992

[afadthatlastsforever]

“When you are in pain, make noise, give your grief a voice. do not grant it strength through silence, let it sing, let it roar.”

— Beau Taplin • M a k e  N o i s e